Chapter 32
thirty-two
SKYLER
Asher and I are sitting in Hudson’s living room when we hear the car pull up. Neither of us have said a word for the last ten minutes. He’s exhausted from traveling and I’m exhausted from… I’m not sure what.
I managed to find some more onions and make the chili without burning any of the ingredients the second time around, but neither of us have wanted to eat anything.
A car door slams and we both stand. My heart starts to pound against my chest. I run to the front door right as Asher opens it and I see Hudson carrying Ayda, who’s fast asleep in his arms. Autumn runs toward Asher and hugs him tight. He whispers something in her ear and she nods.
“Hey.” Hudson nods at his brother, still holding Ayda close. At some point he must have taken off his jacket and tie. His shirt is crumpled and unbuttoned. “You didn’t have to come,” he says to Asher.
“Of course I did.” Asher gives his brother a one-armed hug to avoid crushing Ayda. “Come on in. Skyler made food.”
Hudson looks at me. I try to smile but I can’t. The guilt is killing me. He steps inside and I get a glimpse of Ayda’s face. Her right cheek is resting against his chest, her little arms around his neck. She’s wearing different clothes to the ones she had on this morning and for some reason that kicks me right in the gut.
She looks so tiny. And I lost her.
“I’m going to put her to bed,” he says.
“Good idea.” Autumn’s voice is warm. “How’s Parker?” she asks Asher.
“He’s fine,” Asher says. “He’s sleeping which is for the best.”
Hudson walks upstairs with Ayda, and Autumn strides into the kitchen. “God, that smells good.” She groans when the aroma of chili hits her. “Can I have some?”
“Of course.”
I hang around while she fills up a bowl, then scoops a spoonful into her mouth. “So,” she says, when she’s swallowed it down. “Wanna hear what happened?”
I nod. Asher snorts.
“You always did love to keep us in suspense,” he says.
She sticks her tongue out at him. “Well as you know, Catherine and Ayda were coming out of the café when the police swooped in. Although it was pretty peaceful, according to the cops. Catherine didn’t put up a fight, didn’t even look surprised to see them. Just hugged Ayda and told her to be a good girl and that her daddy would be there soon. Then she let herself be arrested.” Autumn takes another spoon of chili, humming as she swallows it down. “We got there about ten minutes later. Catherine was in the cop car, Ayda was being checked over by the first responders. She’s fine, by the way, but it’s protocol or something.” Autumn shrugs. “I’ve never seen Hudson run so fast. Or shake so much when he picked her up. He hid his head when he hugged her but I’d bet a billion dollars he was crying.” Her eyes sparkle.
“You like the thought of that, huh?” Asher says, looking amused.
“I always like seeing my big brothers melt into mush.” She pokes him. “So then he carried her over to me and told me to hold onto her. She was all smiles and huggy. I swear she just thought it was a day out. Then Hudson strode over to the car where they were holding Catherine and demanded to talk to her.”
Autumn barely takes a breath before she continues. “So there was a bit of an argument, but then the cops finally opened the door and I’ve never seen Hudson look so menacing in his life. I don’t know what he said to Catherine, but I swear her eyes were about to pop out of her face. It reminded me of when I was younger and he caught me trying to smoke a cigarette.”
“You set your hair on fire, Fall,” Asher reminds her. “The only thing that was smoking was the half-can of hair spray you used to use daily.”
“Fall?” I frown.
“That was my nickname when I was a kid.” Autumn shakes her head.
“She was constantly falling over. Bruised. Always injured. Autumn – Fall.” Asher ruffles her hair and she groans.
“And this is why I used to wear hairspray. So you wouldn’t do that.” She shakes her hair. “Do you want me to finish this story or what?”
“Carry on.” Asher gives her an indulgent smile.
“Okay then. So whatever Hudson said to Catherine. She shook her head and started tripping over herself to apologize. Apparently she swore she was always planning to bring Ayda back. That she just missed her and wanted to see her. She came over to the island to see if she could get a glimpse. And then…”
“And then she saw her chance,” I finish.
“So the cops took Catherine away, the ambulance took Hudson and Ayda to get her checked over. The police wanted her clothes for evidence, so I got her some new ones and made a bit of a game of it. Oh, and Dr. Methi came to the hospital.”
“You saw Dr. Methi?” I ask, my eyes widening.
“Yeah. He was cool as a cucumber. Talked Hudson down. Told him that Ayda was fine. Then we came home.” She shrugs. “It’s been a long day.”
Footsteps come from the hallway and Hudson appears in the kitchen doorway. His eyes roam over the three of us standing at the kitchen counter. Asher has finally helped himself to some chili, and Autumn is on her second bowl.
I swallow hard at the black bags beneath Hudson’s eyes. “She’s asleep,” he says. “I’m probably going to head up too.”
“Want some food?” Autumn asks. “Skyler made chili. It’s good.”
He shakes his head. “You should go home when you finish. You all should.” His eyes land on Asher. “Except you.”
Asher grins. “That’s good because I have nowhere else to stay.”
Autumn finishes her second bowl in double time and loads it into the dishwasher before walking over to hug Hudson. “Call me if you need anything,” she tells him.
He nods.
I stand and grab my bag. “I should go home too,” I say.
Hudson’s eyes roam over my face. “Wait a moment. I want to speak with you privately.”
It gives me the gentlest of hopes. The memory of him burying himself in me after he got the legal notice from Ayda’s grandparents sparks inside my mind. I want to offer him succor. I want to comfort him. He looks like he needs it.
After we see Autumn off, Hudson inclines his head at his home office. I follow him in and he closes the door. He turns to face me, his broad body close to mine. His mouth is pulled into a thin line.
“She’s really okay?” I ask.
He nods. “According to the medical staff.”
“And you?” I say softly. “How are you holding up?”
For a moment he says nothing. Then he takes a step back, like he’s trying to distance himself from me.
“This is my fault,” he says, taking me completely by surprise. Because if anybody isn’t culpable for this whole mess it’s him. He was nowhere near Liberty when it happened.
“No it isn’t.” I frown, reaching for him. But he steps back again, like he doesn’t want me to touch him. “It’s all my fault. I don’t know what to say. I got distracted for a second and then…” I take a breath. “I am so, so sorry, Hudson. I will do whatever it takes to make this up to you and her.”
“You told me who you were,” he says, as though he can’t hear me. “You told me and I didn’t listen. You said you weren’t reliable. That you didn’t like commitment. You made it oh so fucking clear. But I thought I could change you.” His gaze flickers to mine. “I never should have tried.”
There’s an ache in my chest where my heart used to be. “What are you trying to say?” I ask. “I’m trying, I really am. I want to be better. I want you to trust me.”
“But I can’t.” He shakes his head. “Don’t you see, I can’t? She’s my daughter, Skyler. My first loyalty always has to be with her.”
“I know that.” My voice breaks. “And it should be.”
“I can’t trust you. I can’t leave her with you. What kind of relationship would that be?” he asks.
“I messed up once. I won’t do it again. It was a one-time situation. Something happened and I got distracted for a second.”
“What happened?” he asks. “What was so important that you took your eyes off my kid?”
I open my mouth to reply, but I can’t. I can’t tell him about the blood test. Not now. I can barely come to terms with it myself, so I can’t have him thinking I’m using it as an excuse.
“It doesn’t matter,” I finally say. “None of it matters. You’re right, all of it. I’m not the person you need me to be.” A ragged breath escapes my lips. “I should go.”
He looks at me. It’s clear he’s in pain too. I want him to beg me to stay. I want him to tell me he understands.
But instead he nods. “It’s for the best.”
And that’s how my heart shatters, to the soundtrack of the man I love telling me that walking away is for the best.
But I do it anyway. Wondering how the hell I’m going to survive this.
* * *
HUDSON
“What did you do?” Autumn asks, pushing her way past me into the house. It’s the next morning. The weather is overcast, the dark gray skies matching my mood. I’ve spent the last hour on the phone with my lawyer, who’s arranging for a protective order to be placed against Ayda’s grandparents.
Ayda is currently laying on the sofa, watching some cartoon, laughing silently like yesterday didn’t even happen. Dr. Methi said she’d be like this.
“Kids don’t always understand adult relationships,” he’d murmured when he walked into the hospital room. “She knows you love her and she knows her grandparents love her. Unless you start ranting in front of her about it, she’ll just file it away as a nice day out.”
I’m still skeptical, but somehow hanging onto that.
“What do you mean ‘what did I do’?” I ask her. “Are you needing me to go through my to-do-list? Because it mostly involves talking to lawyers and organizing restraining orders, with a little dash of planning fantasy murders rolled in.”
“I mean what have you done to Skyler?” Autumn says, her eyes full of fire.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I murmur, closing the front door behind her, since she clearly isn’t going to do it herself. And I’m desperately trying not to think about Skyler, or how every five minutes I pull up her name on my phone and think about calling her. “How’s Parker?”
She lets out a loud huff, reminding me of how she used to throw tantrums as a kid. Asher and I would place bets for how long she’d keep them going. I always chose the longest time and I always won.
“I’m not here to talk about Parker,” she says, jabbing me in the chest with her finger. “I’m here to talk about you and what an ass you’re being.”
“You’re going to need to be more specific.” I glance into the living room. Ayda is sleepy, I can tell that from the way she looks hypnotized by the television. I feel a momentary pang for using the screen as a babysitter, but right now it’s the only one I trust.
Autumn follows me into the kitchen. I walk over to the coffee machine and slide a pod in. “Want one?”
“No, I don’t.” She throws her hands up in the air. “Skyler’s leaving the island.”
“What?” I turn around, frowning. My heart starts racing.
“There. Finally a response.” She tips her head to the side. “Not a great one, but still…”
“Where’s Skyler going?” I ask, frowning.
“Like you care,” she says, sitting down at the breakfast bar. “You’re such an idiot.”
“I think you already said that.”
“She’s leaving,” Autumn says again, like she’s a voice recording on repeat. “How can you stand there when I’ve told you that?”
“What do you want me to do? A little dance?” I try to ignore the panic in my stomach and lift the cup of black coffee to my lips. My third of the day and it’s still not touching the surface of my exhaustion.
“No, I want you to chase after her. I can’t believe you’re being so laid back about this.”
My feigned indifference is working. “If she wants to leave, she’s free to do so,” I say, ignoring the twist in my gut.
“What did you say to her last night?” Autumn asks. “After I left.”
“I think that’s between me and her,” I say, taking another mouthful of bitter liquid.
“Aargh!” She shakes her head. “Tell me, or I’m gonna…” She looks around for something to annoy me with. Then she jumps off the stool and stomps over to wrench open a cupboard door. “Mess around with your cans until they’re not organized by date order.”
“I’m quaking.”
“I’ll do it, don’t think I won’t,” she says. Then she reaches in and moves the cans inside all around, like a kid playing that cup and ball game, trying to hide which cup has the ball inside. “There,” she says.
“Feel better?” I ask her mildly.
“No. Now what did you say to her? Either you tell me or I’ll ask her.”
“I’d prefer you didn’t.”
“Hudson…” She steps toward me. “I will wring your neck if you don’t tell me.”
I sigh. I’m going to capitulate, not because she can hurt me, but because she’s annoying as fuck.
“I ended things,” I say. “We’re not right for each other. She said it all along and it just took me until now to realize it.”
Autumn’s mouth drops open.
“She agreed and left. That’s it.”
“That’s so not it,” Autumn says, her voice low. “She was upset all day. You saw her. She was so scared about Ayda and she was only looking after her to help me out. I can’t believe you’re blaming her for this.”
“Who else do you expect me to blame?” I ask, my voice sharper than intended. “She was in charge of my daughter and she let her be taken. That’s not somebody I need in my life.”
“Does that mean you don’t need me in your life?” Autumn asks. She blinks, looking suddenly upset.
And I hate that so much more than when she’s annoying.
“Of course I want you in my life. You’re my sister.” It’s been my life’s fucking work to make sure all of my family is safe. Autumn included.
“But I lost Ayda too,” she says. “Even worse, I let her wander off. She wasn’t snatched from under my nose. She walked away and I didn’t even notice. And it was Skyler who took care of her. So if you’re choosing who should be part of your world on the basis of whether you can trust them to look after Ayda, then I guess I shouldn’t be here.”
Her eyes water up and I reach for her, but she steps away. “No,” she says. “You don’t get to have double standards and expect me to be your friend. You don’t get to take things out on Skyler when she has nothing to do with the Clarkes and the custody battle. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
She grabs her keys from her pocket. “You messed up,” she says, her voice a broken sob. “And you can’t even see it. Even worse, by the time you work it out it’ll be way too late. She’s already on the ferry. She’ll be far away from the island and to god knows where.” She turns on her heel. “I don’t like you right now, Hudson. You hurt my friend.” Before she storms out, she takes one last glance at me over her shoulder. “You just lost the best thing that’s ever happened to you and you don’t even know it.”