Chapter 14 If This Is Such a Great Idea, Why Do I Feel Like Crap?
If This Is Such a Great Idea, Why Do I Feel Like Crap?
Vivian
Two Days Later
A smile spreads across my face, and I decide to set aside my guilt and let myself enjoy the moment. After all, Lorna’s the one who started it. Not me.
My phone rings and my dad’s name appears on the screen: Kevin (Father of Sorts).
I suck in some air through my teeth, my stomach tightening at his name, like it always does.
I’m sure Tube Top has informed him of what I’m doing.
She keeps up with my channel so she can pretend we’re super tight-knit and I love her when she’s out for brunch with her friends.
If I had to guess, I’d say they all ask for substitutions and leave an insulting tip. I swipe to answer. “Hello, Kevin.”
I stopped calling him Dad after he left us as a not-so-subtle form of protest.
“Hey, Viv, how are you?” He’s got his fake cheerful voice on. He always starts this way, even though the effort for him to call will probably cause him to suck back a generous serving of scotch and take a long nap as soon as he hangs up.
“Great. You?” I answer in a clipped tone.
“Good, good. Hannah made the cheer team again this year. She’s a tumbler again. And Gregory made varsity, so that’s exciting.”
“Varsity what?” I ask, even though I know he plays basketball. I’m being a jerk.
“Umm, basketball,” he answers, trying to hide his irritation that I’m not bothering to remember any details about my half-siblings. “Did I not tell you he left for Iowa State two weeks ago?”
“Nope, we haven’t spoken since my birthday, so…”
“Right. Right. I need to do better, don’t I?”
Too late for that, shithead. I don’t bother to acknowledge his question. He doesn’t mean it, and we both know it. I’m a reminder of a life he didn’t want. A guilt trip. Something to avoid. “So, what can I do for you?”
“Oh, umm, well, Angela said you’re getting married.”
“That is correct.” I am one-hundred-percent not telling him the truth about Dominic.
I don’t trust Angela any farther than I could throw her (although I’m guessing I could throw her a few feet, what with all the pent-up rage I harbor and all).
If she knew the truth, she’d immediately start running her mouth all over town, and before I know it, some asshat will be posting about how my ‘step-mom’ is calling me out for being a liar.
“That’s so exciting,” he says, even though he couldn’t care less. “Wow, my daughter taking the plunge. That is something. Time sure flies, doesn’t it?”
“That it does,” I answer in a tight voice.
There’s a long, uncomfortable pause, then he says, “I hope you picked a good one.”
“Yup. He’s the best.” In other words, he’s nothing like you.
“Great, great. All three of my kids are really … killing it.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So, when’s the big day?”
“October twenty-second,” I answer.
“Whoa! That soon?”
“Well, when you know, you know, right?” Okay, that was a little mean of me to say.
It’s what he told me when he took me for ice cream and announced that he found ‘the one.’ Not that he’ll remember he said it.
“We’re getting married on Santa Valentina, so don’t worry.
I don’t expect you to come. It’s really far and I’m sure you’re swamped at work. ”
“No, no, there’s nothing more important than my daughter’s wedding. Of course we’ll be there.”
We’ll be there. Puke! “Honestly, it’s not necessary.”
“Vivian, please, I want to be there. Maybe it could be a fresh start for us.”
I let out a sigh. “Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“Oh, kiddo, my failure to be a good father to you will always be my biggest regret. If I could start over and do everything differently, I would.”
I blink back an irritating onslaught of tears that do not have my permission to come forward. “Yeah, well, we can’t go back in time.”
“Do you need money? I’d like to pay my share.”
“No, the whole thing is being covered by my brand sponsors.”
“Oh, wow! That’s terrific,” he says, sounding super relieved.
“Maybe you can get a university to sponsor you when you have kids because the cost of sending them to college is crippling.” As soon as the words come out of his mouth, I know he regrets them because he didn’t offer me a dime toward my education and now I know he’s paying for Gregory and Hannah to go.
“Well, my kids can do like I did and get huge student loans and work their way through school.”
“For sure. That’s smart. It builds character.”
“So much character.”
There’s another awkward silence, then he says, “Oh, umm, the boss just handed me a note for you. It says, ‘Name of resort and required attire.’”
I bristle at everything he just said from calling Tube Top ‘the boss’ to her demanding any information from me. “I actually have to run so I’ll email everything to you when I have time.”
“Sounds good. Call me when you get a chance, okay? I want to find out more about this groom of yours.”
“Yeah, okay. Talk to you later.” I hang up without waiting for him to say goodbye, like I always do. It’s my little way of avoiding the fact that he’s not going to say he loves me.
Dominic pops his head outside. “Okay, Mum and I are all ready to go to the cake tasting.”
I offer him a smile that I know doesn’t look complete. “Perfect. I just need a second to finish up what I’m doing.”
He gives me a salute and disappears inside, leaving me to my thoughts again.
Sitting back in the chair, I stare out at the sea, wanting the breeze to wash away all memories of the conversation I just had.
I close my eyes and listen to the waves and the gulls, and remind myself that the pain I’m feeling right now, that’s been following me around since I was eleven, is a gift.
It’s a reminder of why I should never let a man into my heart.
It may be working out for Paige, but I’m not Paige.
And I’m pretty sure she snagged one of the last good men on Earth.
Text Conversation Between Vivian and Her Mom:
Mom
Umm, your future mother-in-law gets to do ALL the wedding stuff with you?
Me
Not on purpose. Ben (the big baby) called her to come put a stop to the whole thing, and it turns out she’s pretty cool and supportive. Also a little crazy, but in a fun way. I think you’ll love her.
Mom
I’m sure I will, but I’m honestly a little hurt. Do you know how awkward this is for me? All my friends are calling asking why I’m not there helping you with this stuff and I don’t have an answer for them. #embarrassing
Me
You don’t have to use hashtags on texts. They’re meant for people to use as search topics on social media. Also, I didn’t want to ask you to come to Santa Valentina twice. Dominic and I are going to New York next week to do the gift registry/dress shopping. Do you want to meet us there?
Mom
Yes. Obviously, I want to be there when my only child is trying on wedding dresses. I’m the mother of the bride, for God’s sake. (Also, I’m going to use hashtags if I want. #Iammyownwoman)
Me
But, you remember this isn’t a real wedding, right?
Mom
Still. It might be the only one you’ll have. #biggestmomentofyourlife
Me
Still fake and is in no way the biggest moment of my life.
Mom
I can pretend it’s real.
Me
If you don’t believe in marriage, why on earth do you care about the wedding?
Mom
Weddings are still very special to me. It’s the stuff that comes after that sucks the life out of you.
Me
Like your daughter who loves you?
Mom
You know that’s not what I mean. Send me the dates you’ll be in NYC and I’ll arrange for flights. #cantwaittoseeyou!
Me
Can’t wait to see you either. Love you.
Not that I’d admit this out loud, because this entire debacle is of my own making, but planning a fake destination wedding is exhausting.
Especially when your wedding is also your job so you’re juggling all sorts of brand sponsorships, scripts, filming, editing, skin treatments, responding to comments on posts, and it turns out your soon-to-be mother-in-law is a tiny bundle of endless energy who is super thrilled about ‘finally having a daughter to love’ and wants to do all the things moms and daughters do.
The last forty-eight hours have been bananas.
I’ve barely slept because I’m still getting up early to make Henry breakfast and hang out, then all day it’s filming, planning, and bonding with my MIL, then I’m up late to catch up on work.
As planned, Josephine was with us for the cake taste-testing and choosing the flowers, and the fans love her almost as much as they love Dominic.
She’s funny and sweet and open to others.
She also randomly breaks into song, even in public, which gives me a hint as to how Dominic ended up in his career of choice.
When we were in the cake shop, she started singing a Nancy Sinatra tune called “Sugar Town.” She sang the entire thing, start to finish, while using a fork as a microphone and making way too much eye contact with the other patrons in the shop.
Was it a little awkward? Yes. Yes, it was.
Was it also sort of fun in a weird way? Also yes.