Chapter 14 If This Is Such a Great Idea, Why Do I Feel Like Crap? #2
She’s passionate about their volunteer work overseas, and she’s welcomed me with open arms when she could’ve hated me for what we’re doing.
Cue my mom feeling jealous (even though she doesn’t believe in marriage) and me trying to placate her.
It’s not that I don’t want her to come to New York to meet Dominic and be part of the wedding preparations, because I do.
But the truth is, the stuff we’re doing there is totally set up (other than selecting the gown), so she won’t be helping us.
It’s all staged to look like the normal process couples go through, when in reality, the decisions have already been made by my sponsors.
Anthropologie has a curated list of items they want to showcase, and Tiffany’s has the ring picked out.
Apparently it’s going to set off a whole new era in engagement ring design.
Honestly, I’m a little terrified. But back to my mom, because she’s going to have to ‘act’ like this is all organic and authentic, when, in truth, it’s all a bunch of BS.
And if there’s one thing about my mother, it’s that she wears her heart on her sleeve.
Or rather, her face. It’ll be glaringly obvious when she hates anything, so Frank will have to be very careful about when to include her in the shot and when to cut her out.
It’s going to add another ball to juggle, which is the last thing I need, but I love her and it’ll make her happy, so I’m going to make it work, even though it’ll be rough.
The truth is, this is a highly intense, pressure-ladened situation, and I’m about to crack.
Tonight, I’ve hit a wall. I literally have nothing left to give, which means I need to recharge so tomorrow morning I can hit the ground running.
Dominic has gone to work and Josephine has gone out line-dancing with a group of girlfriends.
I was invited, but the last thing I want to do right now is boot-scoot, or whatever it is they’re doing.
I told her I had to work, but really I’m going to do laundry and watch The Proposal, you know, as research on fake marriages for green cards.
Ben is currently reading Henry his bedtime story, and I’ve settled myself on the couch with a bowl of popcorn with chocolate chips sprinkled into it (try it, it’s delicious) and a Diet Pepsi.
I’m hoping Ben will go out to his shop as soon as he puts Henry to bed.
He’s building some sort of incredible pirate ship playhouse, so he’s been going out there the last two nights while Josephine and I hang out.
The last thing I want to have to deal with is a man who’s branded me a homewrecker.
Although, he has had a guilty expression on his stupid, gorgeous face every time he looks at me, which makes me think he might regret what he said.
Not that it makes it okay. I’m pissed, as I should be.
Honestly, the whole thing makes me think he probably chased Henry’s mother off by being such a judgmental ass.
Okay, that was offside. There are no facts to support such an awful accusation, so I shouldn’t be spreading rumors about it, even if I’m the only one I tell.
And he’s not that bad—like, ‘cause a woman to abandon her own newborn’ bad.
He’s upset, and he definitely overstepped (and acted like a judgmental ass), but to be fair, I won and he’s losing a lot, so I suppose I should just let it go already.
After all, we’re going to be family soon.
Well, sort of. The point is, I need to move on.
But that doesn’t mean I have to hang out with the guy.
Especially not tonight, when I’ve got nothing left to give.
Because the thought of having to deal with Mr. Morals, who, quite frankly, doesn’t have the first clue about the pressure I’m under, is about as appealing as eating those jelly beans that have disgusting flavors in them like vomit and rotting fish.
No, thank you. As far as I’m concerned, we can steer clear of each other until this whole marriage is over.
Ben comes out of Henry’s room just as Sandra Bullock sees Ryan Reynolds’ family home for the first time (so beautiful, it makes me want to move to Alaska), and he sits down on the far side of the couch.
For a second, I let the show play without saying anything, then the awkwardness takes over and I pause the movie.
“Oh, don’t stop it on account of me,” Ben says.
“If you want to watch something else, that’s fine,” I answer. “I can go to my room.”
He clears his throat, then says, “Actually, I was hoping we could talk. I need to apologize for how I acted when you first moved in.”
I curl up my legs under me and turn to face him.
“I definitely shouldn’t have called you a homewrecker, and, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have called my mum.”
“Because it backfired?” I ask with a little grin.
He shakes his head, his face serious. “Because it’s not my place to interfere.
Dominic is an adult. He needs to chart his own course, and I don’t get a say in that,” Ben says, his tone low and sincere.
“I’m a big believer that when you make a commitment to someone, it’s forever, so …
this whole thing feels … wrong to me. Not that it matters because I’m not the one doing it.
But I believe when two people get married, they’re making one of the most important promises a person can make.
It’s meant to be forever. It’s meant to be because you’re so in love with that person that you can’t imagine your life without them.
Not because it’s a good business decision. ”
I listen to what he’s saying, finding myself caught up in his words.
“Yes, in a perfect world, falling in love and living happily ever after would happen for everyone. But that’s not reality.
Reality is that sometimes things don’t work out the way you hoped they would.
Sometimes, a person gets caught up in something they would never normally do because you can’t see another way out, and not because they want to hurt anyone.
This whole thing started out as something small—a harmless, little white lie, then, before I knew it, it blew up. And I can’t back out now.”
He stares at me, and I can’t tell if he’s skeptical or disgusted or if he’s just listening. “There’s got to be another way, especially if what you’re doing goes against your own morals.”
Shaking my head, I say, “There isn’t. Not now that we’ve gone public with it.
And I get that I’m doing the wrong thing here.
I know it’s dishonest, and I know it’s wrong to trick all my followers.
I promise I know that.” Suddenly I find myself wanting to make him understand.
“But … have you ever made a huge mistake out of pure desperation?”
“Sure.” He gives me a hint of a smile. “I called my mum and told on you guys, and now I’m sharing a bed with my brother, the cover hog, for the next several weeks.”
I laugh, then say, “So you do get it.”
“I do.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I look into his eyes.
“The thing about this job is that it can feel like a lot of pressure sometimes. It’s hard to keep people watching every day.
They get bored, you know? And occasionally, that pressure can cause you to do something stupid like posting a video at three in the morning pretending you have a boyfriend. ”
“Is that how this all happened?”
I nod, wrinkling up my nose a little. “Yes. So stupid. My followers are all moving onto getting married and having babies, and they were starting to leave me behind. So I made up a boyfriend. It worked for a while, the mystery of it and all that. But then this one rival of mine in the luxury lifestyle space decided to go after me online and share her doubts that he is real.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yup. Her video about me garnered a lot of attention, and pretty soon my management team was on me about it. They were going to drop me.”
“So you told them you were getting married?”
“I did. I know, the whole thing is insane, but sometimes a person will do something completely out-of-character purely out of desperation,” I answer, feeling totally ashamed, and for reasons unknown, needing him to understand.
“And that’s how I ended up here. I was on the brink of losing everything I’ve spent nearly a decade building.
It doesn’t make it right, but maybe it’s somehow a little more understandable than you thought. ”
“It is,” he tells me. “And I’m sorry you had to feel so desperate.”
“I’ve never felt that desperate in my whole life, and it’s honestly the worst thing I’ve ever done.” Relief washes over me as I stare at his face and take in the compassion in his eyes. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I hope you won’t judge me solely based on this one huge mistake.”
He shakes his head. “No, I can see this isn’t who you are.”
“Thank you,” I say, feeling my whole body relax.
“But I want to be honest with you. I’m not ever going to approve of what you’re doing.”
My stomach drops and I realize his opinion matters far more than it should, but I don’t know why. “Okay.”
Ben lets out a small sigh, then says, “Although, at the end of the day, what I think doesn’t matter.
I don’t get to tell you—or my brother—how to live.
I don’t know the first thing about your life, and it’s none of my business.
It was arrogant of me to think I knew better than you did what was good for you, when I don’t know you at all.
And I hope you won’t judge me on that alone. ”