Chapter 20 #2
“Great. So great. We got a lot done—the videos for the ring and the gift registry and a fancy lunch out. Frank’s back at his place editing. We’ll have the big ring reveal tomorrow, then the registry video on Wednesday.”
“So? Can I see it?”
“What?”
“The ring, silly!”
“Umm, I’m not wearing it until the video comes out because I want it to seem like it’s happening in real time.”
Her smile fades. “It’s that bad?”
“So bad,” I answer, standing up and walking over to my desk drawer. “Like, beyond awful. I hid it from myself so I won’t have to see it.”
I open the drawer and then shudder while I lift the lid on the box. Switching the camera on my phone, I let Paige have a look.
“Oh no,” she says. “That is … whoa … bad. And you could’ve had Jo’s beautiful vintage ring!”
“Don’t remind me! It’s breaking my heart.” I stare at the awful ring again. “On my hand, it’s even worse. It covers my entire knuckle. Frank said it looks like I’m wearing a shiny little dildo.”
She snort laughs, covering her mouth with one hand. “Oh no, now that I’ve heard that, I can’t not see it like that.”
Switching the camera back, I flop onto the couch again and let out a sigh.
“Anyway, other than that, everything’s fine.
The dishes and houseware stuff from Anthropologie is exactly what I would’ve picked, so that’s a huge score.
And Dominic is loving New York. Like, seriously loving it. He’s out right now seeing Wicked.”
“Oh, very nice. Well, I’m missing you already. I was getting a little too used to having my bestie on the island. Now I’m going to have to wrap my head around the fact that you aren’t going to stay forever.”
“Same with me, because this is definitely where I live.” My heart squeezes, and a wave of despair crashes over me and tears fill my eyes. I blink them back quickly. No, Vivian. No crying. You’re not going to bawl over a man you made out with once. You’re better than this.
Paige leans closer to her screen, narrowing her eyes at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you on drugs?” she asks.
I let out a loud tsk, totally offended. “What? No, obviously not. You’re the second person today to ask me that.”
“Well, are you? Like Adderall or something to keep you awake?”
“No, I’m drinking some chamomile tea.”
Tilting her head, she says, “Oh shit. You’re in love, aren’t you?”
I nod, feeling every ounce of glorious, awful emotion I have for Ben rise up from my toes to my face. “A little bit, yeah.”
“Sweetie,” she says. “You’ve got it bad.”
“I really do,” I answer, my voice cracking.
“I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m totally useless at work—a complete babbling idiot.
I can’t focus on anything other than him for more than a few minutes at a time.
I should be answering emails right now, but I’ve been working on Ben’s website since I got home.
And I keep watching this short clip I made of him over and over and over. And it’s just a shot of his backside.”
“Like his bare-naked bum?”
“No. He’s in jeans and a t-shirt, but he’s using a saw and his arms keep flexing and we totally made out right after I took the video, and I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Wait. You touched him? What happened to being the queen of self-restraint?”
“Turns out that was wishful thinking. I touched him,” I groan, totally disgusted with myself for my lack of self-control. “I really, really touched him, all over.”
“Umm, naked?”
“No, over his clothes. We made out in his shop until we were both completely out of breath, then he came to his senses and put me down and I left.”
“Oh no, he picked you up?” she asks.
I nod pathetically in response.
“You didn’t wrap your legs around his waist, did you?”
More sad nodding.
“Shit,” she mutters. “That’s hard to forget about.”
“I know,” I moan, flopping down sideways on the sofa. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“So, how’d you leave things?”
“The next morning, we went back to being overly polite, like we were when I first moved in with them. Henry was there so it’s not like we could talk about anything. We both pretended it never happened,” I answer, letting out a pitiful sigh that makes me hate myself. “Gah! This is the worst!”
Paige chews on her bottom lip for a second, then says, “Well, what are you going to do about it? When you get back?”
“Nothing,” I answer, shaking my head. “Nothing. Because I’m a big, dumb coward and an idiot who’s gotten myself caught up in a stupid lie.
I’m going to spend the rest of the week doing Ben detox, so when I come back wearing that giant dildo ring, I’ll be over him.
Then I’m going to marry Dominic and live out the rest of my days as a celibate, successful influencer.
” I sit up. “It’ll be fine though because Dom and I are going to get a puppy in a few months, so that’ll distract me from the pain for the next ten to fifteen years. ”
She pulls an ‘oh, muffin’ face. “Aww, what kind of puppy?”
“I’m thinking a red mini-poodle or maybe a Papillion? Something small so I can have it in the building.”
“You can buy it little outfits.”
Is she being sarcastic? I’m too brain dead to tell.
“Yes, that’s what I’m going to do,” I say, nodding quickly.
“Cute little onesies and tiny winter boots. And Dom will be a wonderful dog dad. It’s going to be great and I’m going to forget all about Ben.
He’ll eventually find ‘the one’ and move on, and that’s going to hurt like hell, but I’ll get over it. Maybe get a hairless cat or something.”
“You could knit sweaters for your little hairless cat.”
“Exactly,” I say.
Paige raises her eyebrow. “Or … you could call the whole thing off and be with the man of your dreams for the rest of your life.”
Yes, she was being sarcastic.
“No, I can’t do that, Paige,” I answer. “Have you not been listening?”
“No, I have. Your career and Dominic’s shot at Broadway, blah, blah, blah.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Not that. I mean, yes, that, but I can’t get married for real with someone I’m in love with. That’s never … been a consideration and it never will be.”
“Listen, I’m going to tell you something that’s going to be hard to hear, but know I’m saying it out of love.
” She pauses, then says, “You’re being a complete dumb ass.
Like, beyond stupid and you’re very quickly hurtling down the path of ruining your life forever.
You’re in love with Ben. I’m guessing he’s in love with you.
His son adores you and you adore him. So …
forget about New York and brand sponsors and subscribers and likes and start really living.
I gave up the grind to move here and be with Mac, and I have never been happier. ”
My shoulders slump and I can’t help but feel defensive. “Yeah, well, you didn’t have as much to give up. Your pay was an insult to paychecks.”
“Money isn’t everything, Viv. And popularity means nothing if you’re not living the life you’re meant to be living.”
“Who knows if that’s the life I should be living?
I don’t even know if Ben would want that.
He’s every bit as anti-marriage as I am.
He might just be super horny, which, for that matter, might be my problem too.
Maybe if I had one really incredible orgasm, I’d forget all about the guy and could get back to my fabulous life. ”
She stares at me like I’ve just said the stupidest thing she’s ever heard. “Well, fine, if that’s the way you want it. See if you and your dildo ring can live happily ever after.”
My head snaps back and I glare at her. “Rude!”
“But honest.”
“I don’t want honest. I want my life back.”
She lets out a sigh, then says, “The thing about running from the truth is that it’ll never stop chasing you.”
“Oh please, did you get that off a fortune cookie?”
“It’s the truth, Viv. You know it too, deep down in your cold, cold heart.
Your brain is fried because for the first time in your life, you’re in love.
Like the real and lasting kind. You can pretend all you want that you’re not, but that won’t change anything.
Ben is the one. And if you don’t woman up and try for a life with him, you will never stop regretting it. ”
“You know what? I have to go now,” I say in an angry tone.
“I need to finish this website, and answer a thousand emails and get my beauty sleep because tomorrow morning, I have to look fresh as a daisy for trying on wedding dresses. But thanks for calling me a complete dumb ass and telling me I’m beyond stupid because that was really nice to hear.
Helpful too, since I can’t do anything about it. ”
“You can. You just have to decide you’re worth letting yourself have something more than a bunch of swag and some superfans who tell you how great you are all the time.”
“Wow. Way to shit on my life. Thanks, Paige.”
“I love you and I hope you hear me because you are an incredible human and you deserve happiness. The real kind, not the little dopamine hits you’ve been chasing for years.”
“Yup, got it. You don’t have to say anything else,” I answer in a curt tone. “Bye!”
“Bye!” she snaps back.
I end the call, then toss my phone onto the other side of the couch, furious and hurt and completely confused.
She’s right but she can’t be right because if she is, I’m going to have to tell a man that I’m in love with him, and the truth is, he may not love me back.
He might not even like me that much. Well, I know he likes me.
But he’s not the kind of guy who’s going to throw caution to the wind and marry some woman he hardly knows.
He’s got a son to protect. And he would never ruin his brother’s life like that. Neither would I.
Nope. I’m taking the high road, which in an odd way is taking the low road because I’m a big, fat liar.
But the lies are keeping Frank and me employed, and they’re going to give Dominic the life he deserves.
I glance at the phone and mutter, “Yeah, Paige, what about Dominic? Doesn’t he deserve to have his happily ever after too? ”
My phone buzzes, and I groan, then grab it off the couch. It’s a text from Paige:
Paige
I hope you know I love you and I only want you to be happy. You’re like a sister to me. One I like.
I chuckle, then write back.
Me
I know and I love you too. It’s just not what I wanted to hear.
Paige
I hope I didn’t upset you.
Me
I’ll get over it. You’re not wrong, but neither am I.
I lean against the couch and close my eyes for a second. My phone buzzes, and I assume it’s Paige, but it’s my dad.
Kevin (Father of Sorts)
Hey, Viv, have you sent me the details on the hotel yet? I don’t seem to have them and Angela is getting worried that we’ll run out of time to book it.
A flash of anger hits me. There is literally nothing I care less about than Tube Top being worried. She wasn’t worried about me when she started boinking my father. I take a deep breath and remind myself that carrying around that baggage after all these years really is getting heavy.
But beyond the anger, there’s fear. The truth is, having my parents on the same island is the last thing I need. Especially with Angela there. That’s some Real Housewives shit. Letting out a sigh, I write back:
Me
The other guests are staying at the Paradise Bay Resort (including my mom). If you want to stay somewhere else, there are lots of other nice properties on the island. If you want to save money, use my name to get a discount on the room.
Kevin (Father of Sorts)
Your mother and I should be fine. It’s been over fifteen years. I definitely can use the discount. Had to send Gregory $500 for a new cell phone. Apparently he fried his at a frat party.
I let out a combination of a growl and a snort. Seriously? He’s sending him money because he got wasted and wrecked his phone? Where was this guy when my Tercel broke down and I couldn’t afford to fix it?
Me
If money’s tight, seriously don’t worry about coming. I won’t have much time to spend with you anyway, because everything is being recorded for my channel.
I stare at my words before I send it. It’s as close as I can get to telling him the truth, without telling him the truth. I hit send, then go in search of some salted caramel ice cream. By the time I’m back on the couch with my snack, I see my father has written me back.
Kevin (Father of Sorts)
Nothing could keep me away! And don’t worry, your mother and I will play nice.
“You will, maybe,” I mutter.