Chapter 22
Dressing Room Confessions…
Vivian
Okay, Vivian, you can do this. Getting over a man is exactly like getting over any addiction.
You just have to take it one day at a time, twelve-step-program style, and soon your squishy, warm feelings for Benjamin James will be in your past. Future Vivian will be so happy that Present Me nipped this in the bud because she’ll have a fun husband who won’t break her heart, a killer career, loads of new adoring followers, and a whole lot of money in the bank.
Only, I don’t know the twelve steps. Something about let go and let God, but that’s the only one I can think of, and the thought of letting go leads me to think about letting go with wild abandon and a very nude Ben. Maybe the other eleven steps will help? I should add that to my to-do list.
I open my Notes App on my phone and add Google 12 steps to my ever-growing list of wedding stuff.
I’m currently in a cab on the way to Posh Bridal where I will meet my mom, who flew in this morning.
I was planning to pick her up at the airport, but Dominic and I were filming at Anthropologie at the same time and she’s perfectly capable of getting in a cab so stop doting or you’ll make me feel old, thank you very much.
Dominic is obviously skipping the wedding dress shopping (as tradition dictates), but he’ll join us for supper later so he and my mom can get to know each other a little.
Right now, he’s on his way to meet up with Seth, who has the day off.
They’re going shopping for souvenirs and gifts for Henry, and won’t that be adorable?
The Uber stops in front of the shop and I get out quickly, seeing my mom standing on the street corner in the autumn sun with her suitcase next to her.
She’s on the tall side, like me (or I guess I’m like her), and she’s got the same blonde bob she’s had my whole life, only now it’s got a few strands of gray in it that suit her beautifully.
When she smiles at me, her crow’s feet appear, and I’m reminded of how much time has passed since I left home.
Those lines weren’t there when I packed up and moved to college, and somehow, they always surprise me even though they’ve been there a long time by now.
My eyes fill with tears as we rush to hug each other.
I squeeze her tightly and sniffle, then let a single sob escape.
I want to tell her everything that’s happened and every little feeling I’m having for Ben and about what I’m doing, but I can’t do that, because if I do that, we won’t go in the store and I won’t buy a dress and I won’t get married.
When we pull back, her smile fades, and she says, “What’s wrong? ”
Wiping my eyes, I say, “Nothing. It’s just so nice to see you.”
“Vivian…” she says in her ‘don’t try to BS me’ voice.
“Seriously, Mom, I’m fine. It’s been a lot these last few weeks, and I guess I’m a little emotional about today, which makes no sense at all since none of this is even real.” I offer her a bright smile. “I’m overtired. And you know me when I’m overtired.”
She nods, but still look skeptical. “Oh, believe me, I know what you’re like when you’re overtired. But, are you sure that’s it?”
“One hundred percent. This whole thing has been super stressful, but I’ll get through it and it’ll be over before I know it,” I say, looping my arm through hers and grabbing her suitcase. “Shall we go inside?”
“We shall.”
A gentle tinkling sound announces our arrival as soon as we walk through the door, and I see Frank is already here getting the equipment set up.
The shop has bright lighting, plush red carpet throughout, and classical music playing softly in the background.
I feel my heart tug a little at the idea of trying on actual wedding dresses and try to convince myself it’s just another article of clothing.
No big deal. Only it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?
I give Frank a quick wave, then smile at the older woman standing behind the reception desk. She glances at my mom’s luggage with slight disapproval, then her gaze shifts to me. “I’m Eddie. You’re Vivian, yes?”
Nodding, I reach out to shake her hand. “Yes, and this is my mom, Natalie, who came straight from the airport.”
“I see,” she says. “We can leave her suitcase in the cloakroom with your shoes and jackets. We’re thrilled that your team decided to work with us on providing you with a gown.
We’ve blocked off three hours, so you’ll have the shop to yourselves, and we’ve already set aside a large selection of off-the-rack dresses in your size, so we’re sure to find the perfect thing for your big day. ”
“That’s terrific. I’m so excited,” I answer, just as Frank walks up to us.
I’m not excited at all. I want to go lay down in the corner and close my eyes for the next several hours to avoid the reality of what my life has become.
Instead, we spend a few minutes going over the logistics with Eddie, and then Frank and I go over the plan.
“We’ll start with the shot out front, pretending we just arrived and introducing my mom, then come back in and start going through the dresses. ”
My mom, who is already familiar with how ‘set up’ everything really is, gives Eddie a knowing smile. “Be back in a jiffy!”
Not such a jiffy after all. We have to redo the introduction eight times, three times because of loud passers-by, and five times because my mom couldn’t seem to sound or look in any way natural while we pretend we’re seeing each other for the first time.
Her face was frozen in a fake smile with her eyes open too wide, and she was moving like a robot as she gestured toward her suitcase with an open palm.
“I have just come from the airport now. It is wonderful to see you, Vivian.”
I tried to tell her to pretend the camera isn’t here, but after three more tries, we decided to move on.
This whole thing is weird for regular people, and that includes her.
It’s uncomfortable and feels phony, which I totally understand.
It took me a long time to get used to it.
Eventually, we decide to start the video with my mom standing next to me smiling while I tell the world who she is and what we’re here to do.
Once I start trying on dresses, everything goes a little more smoothly, in part because of the bottle of champagne Eddie opens for us.
We flip through the racks of dresses that have been selected for me and sip our bubbly drinks, adding pink clothes pins to the ones I want to try on.
I walk out of the dressing room in an off-the-shoulder lace gown with a sweetheart neckline.
My mom puts both hands in front of her mouth and gasps, which is exactly the same reaction she’s had for the first three dresses I’ve tried on.
She’s really playing it up for the camera, and honestly, it’s a bit much.
“Oh my goodness, that’s beautiful. Dominic is going to love you in that,” she says, even though that’s not true and we both know it. He’d much rather see Timothée Chalamet in this gown.
I fidget a little while I stare at myself in the mirror. Who is that woman? She looks miserable. “It’s too scratchy. I’ll be uncomfortable all day.”
She nods. “That’s out then. You need to feel comfortable.”
I go back into the dressing room, and it takes me a few minutes to get out of the scratchy lace dress with Eddie’s help.
(Sidenote: how awkward is it having a stranger in a suit slip into your dressing room when you’re half naked?
Somehow the suit makes it worse. Like if she was in pajamas, or say, a bikini, I’d feel like we’re on equal footing.) I get into a gown with a corset bodice and a flowy chiffon skirt.
When I walk out, my mom’s nose wrinkles up.
“What?”
“It looks like you’re in your undergarments.”
“That’s the point,” Eddie tells her. “It’s very sexy. It tells the groom he has a lot to look forward to in this marriage.”
I look at myself in the mirror, and immediately imagine wearing it in front of Ben, who is devouring me with his eyes (in my dream life, anyway). “Yeah, it’s probably not the vibe I’m going for, as lovely as it is.”
We continue on for another hour, with me saying no to everything, and my mom saying yes to most of it.
Finally, we decide to take a break. Frank goes outside to have a cigarette, and Eddie disappears to the staff room for a bite of lunch.
I flop down onto the couch next to my mom in a bathrobe and slippers.
She offers me a small smile. “I know it’s different, but I can’t help but think about when I was trying on wedding dresses with your grandma.”
“Did she approve of Kevin?”
“Of course she approved. Your father was handsome and gainfully employed. That was all a man needed to be back then.” Mom shakes her head and says, “I was so stupid. All the red flags were there, even before we got married, but I refused to see them. I wanted so badly for it to work out. Although, to be fair, we didn’t know about the flags back then. ”
“What do you mean, you didn’t know about the flags?” I ask, laughing a little.
“Seriously. We believed every man was a ‘good enough’ man, and that some were just a little better than others. Keep in mind, I got married in 1989. People were still allowed to smoke in their offices and bosses everywhere would slap women on their behinds whenever they felt like it. And we’d laugh, as if it was a compliment. Can you imagine?”
“No, I’d slug a man if he did that to me, not laugh.”
“And that’s a good thing.”