Chapter 27 #2
I cock my hip, push my shoulders back, and adopt my no-nonsense face that scares people at the office. This is the beginning of war . . . for Kaede.
I just have to get past the final barrier of his fears. And my fears. Fine, our fears.
There are footsteps behind the door, and as it opens, Kaede’s jaw drops. He’s still in his clothes from earlier, but I’m definitely not, and as his eyes trace every inch of me, he is well aware of that. The crew did not let me down with the prep assist.
“Wow, you look . . . wow.”
I don’t give him a chance to invite me in but instead push past him, strutting into the middle of his living room like I own the place. Looking over my shoulder, I give him a look that says I already own the most important thing in the world . . . his heart.
Or I hope to by the end of the night.
“Kaede, we need to talk.” Actually, part of me debated just bending over in my skirt and showing him that I’m not wearing any panties underneath this thing . . . but I want more than his dick.
I want his heart. I want his soul. Forever. Nothing less will do.
“Yeah,” he says, desire and worry mixing with the resignation in his voice. “Drink? I think I’m going to need one for this.”
I watch him go into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of scotch, and pouring two tumblers on the rocks. He comes back, handing one to me. I take a small sip before he shoots his in one swallow, the ice clinking against his teeth and lips.
Liquid courage or numbing himself? I’m not sure which.
“I’m so sorry,” Kaede says as he sits back on the couch, a man who’s already defeated because he thinks I’m here to tear him apart for hurting me. If only he knew. “We told Jeffrey not to mention you and Vi. You heard us say that. I know it’s probably caused all sorts of problems. I’m sorry.”
I hold up a hand, cutting him off. “Kaede, I don’t want an apology, especially for something you didn’t do. I just came from a family meeting about all that—”
“What happened?” he interjects desperately.
“That’s a conversation you need to have with Ross. Later. That’s not why I’m here.”
“It’s not?” Confusion mars his face, knitting his brows together. While I was meeting with my family and putting on my warpaint, he’s been here, stewing in his own doubts and fears. His mental wheels are probably spinning out of control.
But I know what will focus him to this moment, him and me right here on his couch. “I’m here for this.” I reach down, lifting the ring and chain around my neck to show Kaede.
“Courtney—”
“No, my turn first.”
His eyes widen in fear, and I see him now in a way I never have before.
I remember him standing in his mother’s kitchen, his comments about not being enough, not fitting in.
He’s still that boy deep inside. Kaede is strong, confident .
. . but in the parfait yumminess that comprises him, there’s also an ooey-gooey center where he’s unsure of himself.
He hides it well, using that silent, shadowy persona to keep people from getting too close, just like the Ice Queen facade I use to keep people at a distance.
If I’m going to get to his heart, tender and fearful, I’m going to have to break down all my own defenses too.
He’s worth it.
We’re worth it.
“I should be the one apologizing to you,” I restart, taking a deep breath and cracking the outer defensive wall of my inner ice fortress. “When you asked me about this fake engagement, I wasn’t sure I could do it.”
He licks his lips, fighting to stay silent because he thinks he knows where this is going. His insecurities and doubts are talking loudly in his ear. I can see it all over his face.
But I can be louder, fiercer.
“Not for whatever reasons you may think but because I wasn’t sure I could keep my heart safe from you.
And I was right. I know you’ve seen it in my eyes, and I’ve seen it in yours too.
I’ve wanted you for years, but as we’ve spent time together, just the two of us, and gotten closer, I fell.
Hard. The crush I’ve always had on you . . .”
His eyes widen at my directness, but I’m too far gone to back down at all. Hell, I don’t want to back down. If anything, I’m gaining speed and momentum, slashing away as ice crystals fall around me.
“That crush . . . it grew. Deeper, bigger, just . . . more. From our first date at the smoothie café—because I’m counting that one, so put it on your calendar as our anniversary—to tonight, you’re all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of.
And when you put this ring on my finger, I wanted it to be real. In my heart, it felt real.”
Ooh, that’s a big one. A fissure in the foundation of the castle.
Kaede swallows a little, taking the rest of my scotch when I hold it out and downing it in a single gulp again.
I can see his doubts still trying to whisper in his ear.
But he’s going to say what he has to. “I wanted that too, Courtney,” he finally says, his voice rough from the sting of the alcohol.
“But you’re a princess. I’m just a guy.”
“Bullshit!” I growl. “You’re not just a guy. You’re Kaede McWarren. You’re the man who captured my heart. You’re the man I love.”
There, I said it.
The walls are down, the ice crumbled around my feet, leaving me standing alone and cold. And hopeful.
Yeah, it’s not the soft, romance movie version that I expected. It’s jagged. It’s harsh. There’s no swelling of music, no Ellie Goulding singing in the background. Kaede doesn’t step forward like Sir Lancelot to sweep me off my feet and whisper his confessions of love in return.
There’s none of that. This is real.
Instead, Kaede looks at me, his eyes full of shock and pain.
“I . . . can’t. Court, you can’t. I want you so much, but you deserve more. More than me.”
“Dis-a-gree,” I say firmly, using the no-nonsense, don’t fuck with me voice that got me dubbed Ice Queen.
“Wrong. You are what I want and more than I deserve,” I tell him, my voice getting softer as I speak from the heart.
“But I need you to forget the fears, forget the doubts. Just want me back enough to do that, Kaede. Because I can see it. I know you love me. And I love you. That’s why I did this whole engagement thing.
It’s why I cheered you so hard today. It’s why I’m here now, scared to death that all of this won’t get past the wall you’ve built around your heart. ”
I’m laying it all out, painfully vulnerable in a way I have never been before.
If he refuses me, I don’t know if I’ll recover.
Oh, I’ll go on, build the walls again, taller and thicker, and bury myself in work the way I’d always planned, but it will be with a big gaping Kaede-shaped void in my heart, a hole that won’t heal.
He doesn’t move, but I can see the agony he’s going through, warring with himself.
I give him a moment, letting him work out all the puzzle pieces in his head, plot out the chess game to resolution, and hopefully arrive at the same one I did.
I know if we can get past this, we’re going to have to talk.
We have baggage, poison, hurt, and misunderstandings between us and the world at large, but we can share those with each other and carry that weight together.
He wants me. He said he does, and I know it down to my soul, but he’s not meeting me halfway yet.
Patience has never been one of my strengths, and I can’t wait any longer, beyond ready to get to the future I can see glimmering just beyond my reach.
I dig even deeper, beneath the surface of what I thought was my rock bottom into the cold, frozen ground for more.
I climb off the couch, kicking off my heels and dropping to my knees between his spread legs. Cupping his cheeks in my hands, I force his eyes to mine, seeing the shadows lurking in their depths.
“Listen and listen good. I, Courtney Andrews, love you, Kaede McWarren. I love your kind heart, your brilliant mind, your dark shadows, and the light you shine in my life. How many more times do you want me to say it? I’ll keep going as many times as you want. I love you.”
The breath that explodes from him is loud, the explosion of his release, of his fears being pushed out, of falling into us, and I see a tear form in his eye, though he blinks it back.
“Courtney, I love you too. So fucking much. I have for so long . . . forever.” At the hope in his voice, tears sting my eyes too.
His hands wrap around my wrists, and in the next instant, the dam breaks. He’s on me, his mouth meeting mine in a sultry, steamy kiss. Both of us submit to this thing between us. It’s not perfect, it’s not storybook . . . but that’s what makes it even better.
It’s our love. It’s us.
Kaede devours me, pausing for a breath to meet my eyes, and he whispers, “I love you,” again.
It’s a private confession, one he’s been holding on to for as long as I’ve been holding onto my secret.
We’re so stupid, these strong, bold personas too afraid to admit our greatest weakness . . . each other. But no longer.
We both smile, looking into each other’s eyes. In his, I see pure joy. I’m sure he’s seeing the same in mine because I can feel the brightness of it in my heart. We say it again, together this time. “I love you.”
Kaede laughs shakily, and we’re both weeping now, not crying but overwhelmed by the emotion of it all.
We kiss again, not able to get enough of one another. He wraps his arms around me, hands tracing my sides and around to grip my ass. “Fuck, honey . . . I need you. You look so good, feel so good. So . . . real. And mine.”
The wonderment as he says ‘mine’ is my undoing, the moment I know I have his heart. It’s mine, truly. Just as he holds my heart. He has for so long.
I grin into his kiss, tugging the hem of my skirt up my thighs. “If you pushed me away, I was planning on showing you what you’d never, ever have again on my way out.”
He groans. “You little cocktease.”
“I wasn’t teasing. I’ve got my showerhead at home,” I say sassily.