Chapter 15
15
MAC
“I’m gonna jump in the shower.” The question is directed at me, but Rainn is staring at everything else in the room but me. His arms are full of his clothes—thank the ever-lovin’ sugar sticks he’s not coming out in a towel—and his hygiene bag. “Unless you want to go first?”
“Nope. You’re fine. I mean, good.” I wave my hand, and gosh, I hope he understands. His faint chuckle reaches me, and then he’s in the bathroom.
Taking a shower.
Which I am not going to think about.
Did I ruin everything? What the heck was I thinking?
I’m not into guys. I didn’t lie about that. Sure, I was confused after I kissed Rainn when we were fifteen, but we agreed it meant nothing.
After Dad stopped drinking, my parents threw Casey and me into therapy, trying to undo all the damage or something. Maybe it was part of the twelve-step program. I didn’t open up in counseling as much as my sister. My distrust of adults translated into a distrust of therapists being paid by those adults. They sent me to several. But nothing worked. After a year or two, they gave up. I lived with my anger and frustration. And the nightmares.
Then, at fifteen, several things happened. I got into a fight at school, which meant I no longer had a choice. This therapist was different. She introduced me to equine-assisted therapy, and I was immediately intrigued. Evidently, it works well for post-traumatic stress disorder. Which I had. And it could help me get rid of my nightmares. That was all it took. I was sold.
I opened up to the new therapist, and it was hard, but the nightmares stopped. I no longer flinched every time my dad moved or I heard a loud noise. Glass breaking had thrown me into panic attacks. But after counseling, life was bearable. It saved my life.
But in a moment of weakness, I blurted out that I’d kissed my best friend. My therapist explained things in a way I’ll never forget. Rainn Harding is my anchor. The person who has always been there for me. Even when he lived with his mom, we’d talk most days. The second most stable person in my life was my sister Casey. And that year, she’d gone off to college. It sparked the fear that my dad would take that one drink that would break our family apart—and my sister wouldn’t be there.
It was frustrating after I’d worked through so much in therapy. She told me there might always be times in my life when something triggers me. We can never get rid of them. But we can recognize them and put out the fires before they overwhelm us. She also told me to give myself a break. The kiss didn’t have to mean anything more than me wanting to be there for Rainn the way he’d always been there for me.
“Thinking pretty hard over there.”
I jerk my head up. Rainn is freshly showered and dressed in white linen shorts with a blue-and-white striped short-sleeved button-down. The sleeves are tight and I remember the feel of his bicep in my hand. The taste of his lips. His strong thighs. A stray drop of water runs down his neck, and I track its progress before briefly meeting his eyes. “What’s the plan for today, doc?” Oh schnikes. My face bursts into flames. What the heck, Mac? Why had I confessed that last night? “Never mind me. I’m just going to die of humiliation over here.”
I’m still in bed, and I pull the blanket over my head. But that doesn’t help because it smells like sex.
“Mac…” He pulls the cover down. “I don’t regret anything. If you do?—”
I almost smile. Typical Rainn. I shake my head. “No. But I’m not ready to talk about it.”
He nods. “Then get your ass moving. Hal made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and although Mama Gladdie is complaining they aren’t as good as hers, she keeps trying them just to make sure. And there’s coffee.”
Things slot into place after that. Not perfectly but enough so it isn’t noticeable to most people.
I’m not most people. I know Rainn better than anyone— huh . Absolutely true. And that brings warmth to my chest and a smile to my face. He and Hettie argue over the last pastry, and it’s so normal.
Hal and Joy give us a tour of their town. The ocean takes my breath away. The beach and the beautiful rocks. The rhythm of the waves. Sometimes calm. Sometimes not.
“There are tons of tourists this time of year,” Hal says, swinging Joy’s hand as they walk,” but this spot is secluded. Unspoiled. We love it here.”
We explore Kennebunk and Kennebunkport. Small communities filled with tourists and cute little shops to explore.
“This is what we wanted to show you.” Hal bounces as he motions to a yellow three-story historical home. “The Wedding Cake House.” The buttresses brace the house with high pinnacles and intricate detail, all done in white, reminiscent of a wedding cake. “One legend says the seafaring captain built it in 1825 as a present for his bride to compensate for denying her a wedding cake.”
“Do you think that’s true?” I ask, staring at the house.
Joy laughs. “Probably not, dear. But it is interesting.”
“Zye would love this.”
We check out several lighthouses and go to Kennebunk beach. “Also known as Mother’s Beach,” Hal informs us. We slip off our shoes and walk along the edge of the beach.
“This is beautiful.” The awe in Rainn’s voice reminds me of last night. He takes my hand and my heart stutters before I remember we’re supposed to be newly married and totally into each other.
Come for me, Mac.
I duck my head, trying to fight the heat in my face.
“You okay?” Rainn asks close to my ear, which doesn’t help my situation at all.
I nod again. Been doing that a lot. “I’m good.”
He holds my hand loosely, absently twisting the band on my finger. “Are we okay?”
I stop, holding his hand tighter so he has to stop with me. Leaning in, I brush a kiss over his lips. “Stop worrying so much.”
He grins, and that final piece slots together.
That evening, we keep the blanket wall as a reminder that this thing between us is fragile. We need to go slow. The annulment is there in the back of my mind. But it seems less necessary now. We hold hands under the blanket wall, and I sleep soundly without any nightmares.
The next day, we explore Portland. The old port district has cobblestone streets and red brick buildings with cafés, art galleries, and boutique shops. I’m not really one for sightseeing, but it’s heckin’ charming. I hold Rainn’s hand and we walk along the rock cliffs around the Portland lighthouse as the ocean waves crash against them. The Portland Headlight Museum gives the history of the lighthouse and Hal eagerly goes from one exhibit to another. He clearly loves this stuff. The difference between Belinda and her parents is startling. Rainn’s stepmother barely leaves the house.
We stop at a food truck. The orange-and-blue sign reads Bite into Maine . Joy tells us there are several in the area. “You can’t come to Maine and not eat lobster,” she says with her musical laugh.
I’m glad we’re eating outside. The breeze keeps it from getting too hot. I order the lobster roll and we take our bounty to one of the red coffee tables. The food is amazing. Rainn knocks his leg against mine, letting me know I’m enjoying it a little too much. I try to tone it down.
“Are you settling in at Mama Gladdie’s?” Joy asks Hettie.
She smiles, but the strain of everything is still in her eyes. “It’s great. But I miss my friends.”
Mama Gladdie pats her hand. “They can visit any time they want. I mean that.”
Hettie nods, and I get the feeling they’ve discussed this before.
“Are you excited for school to start again?” Hal turns to us. Hettie sags, looking relieved the focus isn’t on her. “Do your schools start at the same time?”
Rainn brightens. Med school is something he loves to talk about. I tell them about the horses I work with through the school. “But I miss seeing Daisy every day.”
After this topic is exhausted, Hal and Joy look at each other. Again with the silent communication. “Rainn,” Joy says slowly. Carefully. “We went to the same church as your mom.”
“What? How?”
“This is before we moved back to Maine. She and Bel sang in the choir together. They were the best of friends.”
Rainn shakes his head like he can’t believe it. “Belinda knew my mom?”
“Oh yes. Many people in the smaller towns would go to the same church.”
“Do you have any stories?” Hettie asks. Maybe because she knows Rainn won’t ask.
Joy grabs Hal’s arm. “Do you remember when Liv wanted to make cookies for the church bake sale?”
“Your mom was not a baker,” Hal says, shaking his head fondly at the memory. “At this time, I mean. She was barely out of high school.”
“What happened?” Hettie leans forward, no longer focused on her food.
“They had to be homemade. I helped her, or rather, I tried. But your mama was stubborn.” He chuckles. “Her cookies tasted…fine.”
Joy chuckles. “But Lord, they looked bad.”
“The consistency was off, you see.” Hal smiles and shakes his head. “We tried to fix it, but that just made it worse.” His smile drops.
Joy touches his arm. “No one would buy her cookies.”
“That poor girl,” Hettie says softly.
I squeeze Rainn’s leg. Which is a mistake because he’s wearing shorts. I force my focus back on the story and not the lean leg muscle that reminds me of the other night.
“Bel begged us to buy every single one of those cookies. She didn’t want Liv…your mama to know. We swore we wouldn’t tell a soul.”
“Oops.” Joy shrugs.
I almost expect Rainn to say it’s doubtful we’ll be telling her anything, but he’s staring at his food in a daze.
“Liv was determined to improve after that,” Hal says fondly. “Learned everything she could. That girl was so stubborn. She never gave—” He blinks like he’s waking up and shoots a look of alarm at Joy.
She jumps in to rescue him. “Your mom was a good person, Rainn. Sweet and full of life.”
“Really?” Rainn isn’t angry, and that surprises me. He seems hopeful. Almost desperate for proof that his mom isn’t the heartless, uncaring person who could easily abandon her kids. He pushes his fries around, lost in his thoughts. I kiss him on the cheek to remind him I’m here for him. He smiles at me, and I kiss him again.
“It’s a shame about everything that happened after. Broke your mama’s heart.” Hal takes a bite of his lobster roll.
“You can’t just leave it like that.” I’m frustrated on Rainn’s behalf.
“Oh.” He takes a sip of his drink and turns to Rainn. “This was later. When you and Zye were older.”
Rainn’s leg is pressed against mine, so I feel his body tighten. “What broke Mom’s heart?”
Hal and Joy exchange a look. Talking but not talking. Hal smiles, but it’s sad. Full of something. “We knew she was struggling, of course. First, your grandpa—” Joy touches his hand, and he changes course. “There was that guy. I think she was serious about him.”
Rainn snorts.
Hal waves his hand. “They broke up. As I said, she was struggling. The weekend she dropped you boys off, she came to see us.”
Rainn’s mouth falls open. “What? Why? Do you—” He stops midsentence. As if he’s afraid to ask the question.
“We don’t know where she is.” Joy reaches over to pat Rainn’s hand. “But we do know she didn’t go on a cruise.”