Chapter 22
22
RAINN
Waiting for Mac to get here is torture. I go downstairs. They need to know Mac’s coming so they don’t waylay him the minute he arrives.
They’re all in the kitchen eating pie. Why doesn’t that surprise me? Mama Gladdie made a huge Thanksgiving spread for four people. And I ate. Not enough if Mama Gladdie’s shake of her head at my half-full plate is anything to go by.
“Um, hey.”
“Rainn, dear, do you want some pie?”
“No. Thanks. Maybe later. I, um…I just wanted to let you know that, um…Mac is on his way.”
“Called it.” Hettie grins, and I can’t even get mad.
“So, I’m gonna go back upstairs and wait?—”
“No, you are not.” Cher jumps out of her chair and grabs my arm. “You can wait here. With your family.”
I sink into the chair next to her. “He probably hates me. I’m ruining his Thanksgiving.”
“Have some apple pie. Hot from the oven. It will heal your soul.”
I snort at that, but her raised eyebrows tell me she’s serious. “Yes, ma’am.”
Hettie giggles, and a bit of my sadness eases. The pie is delicious. Golden flakey crust. Tart apples with just the right amount of sweetness. Mac didn’t hang up on me. He’s on his way. Before I know it, I’m scraping the bottom of the plate.
When the doorbell rings, my nerves return, and it’s like the first day of med school all over again. I’m positive I’m going to fuck it up but desperate to prove something and excited to have the chance.
I stand, unsure where to put my hands, as Mama Gladdie opens the door.
“Thank goodness you’re here, Mac. That boy is a mess.” Was she trying to whisper that last part?
“She knows I can hear her, right?”
Cher laughs and bumps my shoulder. “If I know my mama, she’s counting on it.”
“Thanks, Mama Gladdie.”
Longing spreads through me at the sound of Mac’s deep voice. To hold him. Reassure him. Touch him. Never let him go.
“Dude.” Cher nudges my arm. “Tone it down a bit. Have some chill.”
My eyes dart to her. “It is obvious?”
She scoffs. “Oh yeah. You’re totally gone.” As she studies me, she tilts her head. “What’s on your shirt?”
“What?”
I glance down. A glob of apple pie filling is on my shirt. Fuck. Mama Gladdie chats with Mac about his family as they get closer. I twist around, searching for something to clean my mess. Where’s my napkin? I stare at Cher in horror.
“Oh yeah. You’ve got it bad.” She chuckles as she quickly grabs a washcloth, dampens it, and tosses it to me.
I swipe at the gooey mess, getting the apple filling off but leaving a damp spot. Is it too late to change? Or hide?
The door to the kitchen opens, and I jump to my feet. Mac looks amazing in a charcoal-colored crewneck sweater and dark jeans. His fingers casually hook into his front pockets, and he gives me a sheepish grin. My heart lurches. Which is not something a heart can actually do, but I swear my heart has a mind of its own.
“Hey, everyone.” He nods in greeting, and his gaze returns to me. “Hey, Rainn.”
“Hi, Mac.” My feet refuse to move. There’s a medical term for that, but right now, my brain is on strike and my heart and stomach are in charge. My heart is saying kiss him. My stomach wants to return that piece of pie. I swallow the knot in my throat. “Thanks for coming.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Cher nudges me forward.
“It’s good to see you again, Mac.” Hettie gives him a hug. Her feet are working fine, apparently. And she was tired of waiting for me. He smiles fondly at her, but his eyes return to me.
“Do you want some pie?” Mama Gladdie gets out another plate.
“Maybe, in a few. I think Rainn and I need to talk?”
I hate the hesitation, the worry that, what? I don’t want him here? Or I’ll reject him? This is Mac. My best friend. And I hate that it’s awkward as fuck.
“Yeah.” I nod and take charge. But instead of kissing Mac like I want, I clasp his hand and wrestle him into the first open room I find. It’s a library or study. Why does one woman need so many rooms? I shut the door behind us and…freeze. That’s the extent of my bravery.
Mac smiles, and it’s full of worry for me and fear that he’ll fuck this up. I know Eddie McVay. His looks. His smiles. His fear.
“I missed you, Mac.”
His smile changes. Fonder. Warmer. And there’s something else I’m not sure I’ve seen there before. Determination. “It’s only been a few days.”
Fuck it. I reach him and cradle his face with both hands. “A long few days.” And then he’s kissing me. It’s hungry and needy but also sweet. Intimate. Necessary. My arms wrap around him. I want him closer.
“I missed you too. So much.”
We kiss for a while, and I touch his face. The thick brows. The line of worry between his eyes. The dip of his nose. The scar on the side of his right cheek from when he fell off a horse at ten and had to get stitches. His square jaw.
“How are you so perfect?”
“How are you so delusional?”
I brush kisses down the side of his neck and tuck my head against his shoulder. “How’s your family?”
“Not talking about my family. Or yours.”
“The letters?—”
“Can wait.” He shuts his eyes. “I mean, it’s your choice, obviously. And that’s the reason I’m here. Why you called me…”
“But it’s Thanksgiving.”
He nods with a grateful look.
“And we’re together.”
His dark eyes are intense. “Yes.”
I sigh. “Everything can wait. We?—”
“No.” He squeezes his eyes shut.
“What?”
“Everything can’t wait, Rainn. I’m an idiot.” His eyes settle on my face as he searches for something. “You’re my best friend.”
I nod. Not sure where he’s going with this. “Same.”
“I’m being selfish. What do you want to do? I’m being serious.”
This is new territory for us. We’ve always loved each other. But this intimacy seems delicate. Fragile. Like the wrong type of pressure could break it into a million pieces.
But also powerful. Like a freight train. Wiping out everything else in its path. I want to forget about school. My mom and the letters. All the crap back home. Just be with Mac and enjoy our time here and now. “I want to eat a lot of pie. And show you how much I missed you. As often as possible.”
Mac bites his lip, his pupils wide. “I like the sound of that.”
“Not necessarily in that order.”
His eyes go to my lips. “What do you want to do first?”
“You.”
He sucks in a breath and my phone buzzes at the same time. I let out an exasperated noise and check my messages.
“Who’s it from?”
“Cher. Mama Gladdie says if we’re not out there in ten minutes, she’s coming in after us.”
“All I got from that is we have ten minutes. Let’s not waste them.”
Mama Gladdie convinces Mac to eat another Thanksgiving dinner before pie. That’s what he gets for admitting he didn’t eat much the first time. He wolfs down the food so fast that I worry he’s going to make himself sick.
There’s a lot of laughing and yelling…but the happy kind… and I watch Mac’s face through all of it.
“I love seeing you happy. Not worrying as much.”
He scrapes his fingers along my nape. “My family is great. But this…I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Easier? Not having to tiptoe around everything,” I guess.
“Exactly. Or worry that this will be the year it all goes to heck.”
“Eat up, boys. There’s lots of pie left!”
Afterward, I take Mac up to my room. There’s no sense in having two rooms when we’re only going to sleep in the same bed. I take care of him. Slowly undressing him. I pull off his sweater. His wedding band hangs on a gold chain. He’s still wearing it. I signed the papers. Did he sign them? I don’t ask. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him, unclasping the chain. I slip the ring off the chain and take his left hand. “Is this okay?”
“Yes.”
After slipping his ring on, I press a kiss to the palm of his hand—just over his scar.
“Your turn.”
I undo my chain and hand him the ring. He slides it on and threads our fingers together. There are questions in his eyes, but I don’t know the answers.
“Just for tonight, can we pretend this is real?”
He nods, but there’s something in his eyes. Hurt? Worry?
We undress each other slowly, as if we’re savoring this moment. My hands wander over his body. Broad shoulders. Chest scattered with dark hair. Sexy forearms.
Full belly.
He grabs my hand and shakes his head. “Stop. I’m disgusting.”
I catch his eyes. “No. You’re beautiful.” I kiss his hand and move it so I can kiss his stomach. He’s always in shape. I rarely see him like this. “When you were a kid, you were scrawny.”
“Hey. Not nice.”
“I was worried about you, Mac. Never knowing if you got enough to eat.”
His cheeks tinge pink. “I eat enough now.”
“This is sexy.” I kiss across his full belly. Touching and rubbing until he’s panting.
“Rainn, I came here to take care of you.”
“You are. Just by being here. Letting me worship your body. You’re incredible, Mac. And I don’t think enough people tell you that.”
“Come here.” He pulls me up and kisses me until I’m breathless and needing more.
And he takes care of that too. Mac wraps his hands around our cocks and strokes us both, his dark eyes intense. Is he holding out for me? I touch him everywhere I can reach, rolling his balls and tugging. When he’s right on the edge, I kiss him and whisper, “Come for me, husband.”
And he does.
The next day, we pile around Mama Gladdie’s big kitchen table and go over the letters. They’re hard to read. Mom has neat handwriting, so it’s the emotional part that’s difficult.
I miss my babies. But I can’t keep hurting them. What if I give in and they find me? When I’m stable, I’ll come for them. Keep them safe for me.
The letters go on and on like that. Joy said Mom was depressed, and I can see it in her words. But there are also parts Joy got wrong. Mom had a few stays in drug rehab as well as several psych hospitals.
I slam my hand on the table, and everyone jumps.
“Rainn, dear.” Mama Gladdie gives me a look over her reading glasses. “Maybe you should take a break.”
“No.” I shake my head to emphasize my point. “I can’t. It’s just…everyone kept this from us? As kids…I get it, but why keep lying to us? I don’t want to show these to Zye.”
Mac presses his leg against mine. “He deserves to know the truth.”
I rub my hands over my face. “I know.”
There’s a gap between letters. Several years, in fact. Then they start again in July of this year. “Why July?”
“Oh my God.” Cher gapes at me. “The wedding videos.”
Did she see them? I keep reading. Unable to stop.
I miss my boys. But they’re doing so well. Rainn is strong, handsome, and sweet. Zye lights up the world. Fierce. Loyal. I need to make this right. Make amends. If they ask, Bel, can you tell them why I left? Why I stayed away? Share my letters. I hope they can forgive me.
“Belinda fucking knew this entire time.” I slam my hand on the table again, and Mac flinches. He’s recently started doing that again. Is it my fault he’s struggling? I smile a silent apology.
“Don’t be so hard on your stepmama.”
“Why? She lied to me.”
Mama Gladdie motions toward Hettie.
Right.
I scrub my hands over my face and get control of myself. When I can speak without yelling, I ask, “You think I should just forgive and forget?”
“I didn’t say nothin’ about forgetting. I reckon we need to take a trip to Cedar Ridge.”
“We?” Mac looks around the table. Mama Gladdie. Cher. Hettie. And back to me.
I shrug. “We.”
“All right.” Mama Gladdie stands and holds out her hands like she’s leading a sermon on Sunday morning. “Let’s find out what Belinda knows and what she’s willing to share.”