Chapter 29
29
MAC
Rainn doesn’t push me away. Not exactly. He just doesn’t let me in.
I give him the time he needs. I don’t push him to talk on the way back to the hotel. Or that night as he clings to me.
Zye convinces us to stay in Mule Creek. No way is Rainn going back to Cedar Ridge for any reason. And I’m not spending another holiday without him.
But Rainn goes through the next few weeks like a zombie. Doing what he needs to do. Helping with the gala. Preparing for Christmas.
Zye steps up in a big way. He lets us stay with him, never questioning us on our pretend-but-sometimes-real marriage and helping with the gala planning. Miles and Zye plan Christmas with no input from us. Rainn seems uninterested. And I’m so focused on Rainn that I don’t have room for anything else.
There are days that Rainn barely knows I’m there. And days when he doesn’t want me to leave his side. Zye and I have more than one conversation about it.
Zye reconnects with his mom. Not necessarily forgiving them but getting to know them. He even gave them the birthday present he’s held onto for the last ten years. Rainn isn’t there yet. Might never get there. Zye doesn’t invite them to spend Christmas with us out of respect for Rainn’s feelings, and I’m relieved.
Miles, Zye, Rainn, and I spend Christmas Eve together. Isaac and Simon decide to spend Christmas in Lutiana. I suspect it’s to give Zye and Rainn space. The tree looks magical with the lights and presents. And even though it’s hard not knowing how to help Rainn, it’s a relief not to be home.
We’re about to go to our room when Rainn stops. “I’m sorry, everyone.” He shakes his head. “God, I’m such a mess. Come by that honestly, right?”
“Rainn, stop.” Zye grabs his hand. “You don’t have to be sorry. This is hard. I love you. We all do.” He hugs Rainn, and after a moment, Rainn relaxes in his arms and starts to cry. He hugs Zye and apologizes and then apologizes for apologizing until they’re both crying and laughing at the same time.
Afterward, Rainn and I go to bed, and things almost seem normal. “I’m so glad you’re here, Mac.”
“No place I’d rather be.”
“Mule Creek?” he teases.
“Anywhere you are.”
He brushes our lips together. Soft. Gentle. As if he’s afraid I might break. Or that he’s already broken me.
I don’t rush him. Whatever he needs.
“I want you, Mac.”
I always want you . He wraps his body around mine and treats me with so much care I want to scream or cry. “Can I fuck you?”
I nod, emotions clogging my throat.
“Don’t just do it for me. I want you to want it.”
“I do.” I duck my head. “I’ve fantasized about you doing that so many times.”
“Yeah?” His smile is like the sun coming up after being hidden for days. I love his smile. Missed it.
Rainn takes care of me when all I want to do is take care of him. When he finally breeches me, I’m so desperate for him that I barely notice the pain. And then, after a bit, it goes from pain to so much more. An obsession?
“Sweetheart,” I say, grabbing his face. “I need to feel this tomorrow. And next week. Are you going to…fuck me or what?”
Rainn makes a manly sound my dick likes a lot. Swears a bit and then pounds into me. Over and over until we both come.
As we come down from the lust-induced high, Rainn squeezes his eyes shut. “Oh God, Mac. I’m sorry.”
“Are you kidding me?” I stare at him, trying to figure out what I missed. “I hate apologies in general. But apologizing for giving me the best dicking of my life is totally out of line.”
“Isn’t it the only dicking of your life? So far that is.” He laughs, and his face turns red. “I’m not—” He buries his head in my chest.
“What’s going on?”
He looks up and catches my eyes. “I love you. So much. I think I’ve been in love with you for most of my life.”
I grab his face and kiss him. “You can’t apologize for that either.”
“No. I meant to tell you before so you wouldn’t think…” He shakes his head. “Never mind.”
“I get it.” I move my head and catch his eyes. “I love you too. You know that, right?”
“Of course.”
But he doesn’t get it. “What I’m trying to say—and sucking at it—is that I’m in love with you, Rainn.”
He stares at me, and I rub the furrow between his eyes. “You’re not gay, Mac. Not really. You told me that.”
“Did you miss what we just did? Heck it all, Rainn. I’ve let you stick your dick in all sorts of places.”
“Because you’re a giving person. And you love me?—”
“Stop talking.” I untangle myself from him and sit up, wrapping my arms around my knees. “You’re not even wrong. I mean, you’re wrong about that, but I’d do anything to make you happy, Rainn. And you know that. Would I be gay for you? Not sure.”
He nods but still looks confused. “Okay…”
“I liked it. Not sure how else to say it. I liked having your cock in my ass. I enjoy sucking your dick.”
“As in, you like cock? Or you like it because it’s me?”
“I’m not… This shouldn’t be so hard. I’m not interested in other men. I don’t find other men attractive.”
“Exactly.”
“No. Not exactly. I’m also not attracted to women. Casey says I’m demisexual.” I sneak a look at him. He’s staring at me with his mouth open.
“You talked to your sister about this? About us?”
I don’t remind him that I had to. I’m not going to be the one to bring up the D-word. “Believe me, it was not pleasant. At all. I might be scarred for life.”
“Demisexual, huh?” He leans against me. “That tracks.”
I kiss the side of his face. “I’m not entirely convinced. All I know is you’re the only one I want.”
After that, everything is good. Mostly good. Spending Christmas opening presents and eating Zye’s amazing dressing and never worrying if it will be thrown against the wall. Not counting the beer in the fridge that Dad buys for Uncle Lyle in case he wants one. “Not everyone has to suffer because of me,” he’d say. Thus ensuring everyone suffered.
I miss Daisy. Rainn and I talk about finding a stable in Kansas City or Mule Creek for me to board her.
The day is perfect in every way, including feeding Zye’s chickens with Rainn. The man is too adorable. “This is how you say hello, Mac.”
“I worked on a farm and been around chickens all my life.”
“But not around these chickens. Mr. Squawkers is temperamental.”
“How are you so cute?” I ask, kissing him in front of Mr. Squawkers and all Zye’s chickens.
All this lulls me into thinking everything’s fine.
Until New Year’s Eve and the gala. Rainn looks amazing in a black tux, and I tie his tie and kiss his lips. “Gorgeous.”
“Thank you.” He runs his eyes over me. I’m in a blue suit with a satiny vest. “I’m going to have a hard time keeping my hands off you.”
“You can touch me all you want.”
“Right. My parents might show up. Your parents will definitely be there. We’re just friends, remember? That’s what they all think, anyway. And it’s not like we can tell them any different.”
“We can’t?” But my throat goes dry, and all the happiness seeps out of me. Am I willing to tell them?
“Can you imagine? My dad would accuse you and your dad of corrupting me. And what if he fires your dad or just makes his life hell? If your dad starts drinking again…? Nope. Not worth the risk. But later tonight, I’ll strip this thing off you so fast…”
“Rainn.”
“It’s fine, really.” He shrugs and doesn’t look upset. Almost as if he’s given up on good things happening. “Is Casey going to be there tonight?”
What if he sinks back into whatever was going on before? What if this is as good as it gets? Then his words catch up to me. “Casey? Yeah. She’ll be there.”
“Perfect. We can ask her about the divorce. I can’t believe it’s taking so long.”
My heart speeds up. I never signed the papers. But how can I tell him I don’t want a divorce if I can’t even come out? Can’t kiss him in front of my family?
It’s New Year’s Eve, and I have the most perfect man. And I still feel all alone.
He kisses me and then grabs his keys and wallet.
“Rainn?”
He turns to face me. “Yeah.”
I stare at him, my heart pounding. “I want this.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I love you so much.”
His smile is sad. “I know. I love you too. Just…sometimes, love isn’t enough.”