Chapter 9 Emery #2
A scowl and then his expression twists with anguished eyes. “You know, I actually hate it when you call me that.”
I tilt my head. “What do you want me to call you then? Everyone calls you Mori.”
He considers my words for a moment before turning his attention to the sea and gazing at the distant waves as they form white tips beneath the moon. I wonder if they reach for it, only to be brought back down by gravity.
“I know everyone calls me that. It’s because to them I’m a monster. A thing that doesn’t have a name. Only a definition. Faceless. Death.”
I smile at his grimness. His words need to be written down and pressed into gravestones and placed in old libraries for remembrance.
My eyes catch on a twig stuck in his hair.
I pull it out gently as I reply, “What does that make me then after what I’ve done today?
” I can’t bring myself to tell him about my memory of my father.
Not yet anyway. At least I had control in the past. I knew what it was that I was doing, and even took my own liberties with what I did to the bodies after. Today was something else entirely.
He stares at me for a few moments, thoughts flickering across his eyes, before lifting his hand for mine.
Ignoring my question, he asks, “Have you had a hard time sleeping yet? From the drugs, I mean.” His voice is soft, but there’s sadness in his tone.
Like he knows the answer already and what it means.
I place my hand in his and every fiber of my being leaps as our skin meets.
“Yeah, sort of. I feel wide awake right now, and it has been difficult falling asleep. When I do, it’s filled with restless dreams. I think I’ve actually remembered more about myself in the past few days than in all the weeks after I woke up,” I whisper.
Exhaustion pulls at his eyes, red kisses the skin around his lashes with sleepless nights. “Get used to it, you’ll spend many more nights awake and wandering the world in the dark like I do.”
“Is that how you knew about the vent? Do you walk this beach line often?” My voice is weak at the thought of him alone most of his time here. He certainly doesn’t make it easy being close to him, though.
“Yeah, what else is there to do? I’ve already read all the books in the library, counted every tile on the floors of every room, and thought about every death I’ll eventually come to know.
” He says it like he doesn’t mind the loneliness his life seems to bear, but there’s melancholy in his gaze.
There always is. Perhaps that’s why I find him so lovely and daunting.
Sad things usually are quite beautiful, after all.
“You? Dying? I’m pretty sure you’re immortal from the stories I’ve already heard about you.” I chuckle.
A trickle of blood streams down his lips. He doesn’t even seem fazed by it. He simply wipes it away with his sleeve. It’s easy to think we’re fine because we can’t feel the aftereffects of the pills, but we aren’t fine. Probably not by a long shot.
“My nose has been bleeding for a few days now,” I admit. He was there the first night, but I’ve been much more careful since then to keep it a secret.
His mouth firms. “It gets worse.”
“Maybe it will get better.”
He side-eyes me. “So positive.”
“So negative,” I mutter back.
His eyes flicker and hope fills his loose grin. He parts his lips to say more, but he reconsiders and closes them. Instead, guiding me closer to the water’s edge, led by moonlight and the waves that reach upward on distant tides.
“Take your shoes off,” he says as he slides his feet out of his own.
I do as he says, still entertaining the warmth in my chest that he’s sharing his secret nightly excursion with me.
My toes lower to the sand and I’m surprised by how warm it is even during the colder months of the year. I glance up at him. “Now what?”
“We’re going to walk and enjoy a sliver of something before we’re sent straight to a mission that has a high likelihood of going south.”
I firm my lips, staring down at my toes as the shoreline greets them.
“Do you really think it’s going to be that bad?
” I say as we stroll across the beach. We could be anyone but who we really are in this moment.
If I shut my eyes and pretend it can easily be true.
A world away from this one, with no scars and pills and blood.
He would be there.
My cheeks burn at the image of Mori in my mind, smiling as we do something as normal as cooking eggs, scrambled on a Saturday morning.
Mori lets his knuckles gently brush against my hand, the touch pulling me back to the present.
“Yeah, I do. Thomas wasn’t wrong the other day.
This is a suicide mission at best. I’ve never had to escort an asset and protect them before.
What if she can’t get the door opened in time before backup comes?
What if she dies? Captain Bridger won’t let us return without that drive. ”
I nod thoughtfully. “And now I’m killing people without realizing it too. I don’t know how you do it.” The words come out careless and are stagnant in the space between us before I can think them over.
He stops walking and a pained expression works its way over his features. Mori flexes his jaw and blows out a slow breath.
“I’m sorry…but honestly, how do you cope with it? I didn’t know them, so it’s not too heavy on my mind, but what if it had been you that I hurt? I don’t think I could forgive myself,” I say softly. My brows knit together when his features only twist more with misery and sorrow.
“I betrayed the only person I ever loved, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.” He looks away as his voice breaks.
A pang of grief flutters through me and tears start prickling in my eyes. I don’t know why, though. Maybe it’s my subconscious that feels sorry for him. Or perhaps it’s the fact that he loves someone else and it stings me. I gently weave my fingers through his, drawing his chin to face me again.
“How did you betray them?” I ask, knowing it’s a little pushy. He stares at me for a moment before glancing out toward the waves.
“I killed her.”
My heart constricts. He killed the person he loved? “How?” I must either be brave or very stupid.
Mori lets the silence speak for him. I decide not to push my luck.
After a few minutes he clears his throat and changes the subject.
“Well, if we both have to worry about losing control, then this mission is doomed from the start. Though, I’m only prone to killing my direct partner in the field.
” His eyes find mine briefly before he sets the pace down the beach once more.
I start a few steps behind, letting my gaze linger on his back. Warm, wet sand settles my nerves as I slowly stride between the thin line that connects the land and ocean.
“You know, I thought you were calloused this entire time, but for some reason I just can’t picture you harming me. If you lose control, I’ll be safe,” I mutter confidently.
His hands fist together tightly and he doesn’t respond as we continue to walk.
“Tell me one thing.” I shift gears so we don’t spend the evening shrouded in gloom.
He grunts. “Not tonight, Emery.” He sounds cold again, distancing himself like he’s good at doing.
I stop walking. He takes a few more paces before noticing and turning to look back at me.
“Why did you help me earlier? If you found me and saw what I did… Why did you help me?” He soaks me in with an unreadable face.
“I just happened to find you. It’s not like I was looking for you to help you or anything.” He sounds annoyed that I’d think he’d be capable of helping me out.
I let out a short breath. So stubborn.
“Still. You didn’t have to, and I’m guessing since I’m not in a cellar or locked up, you were able to get me by Thomas and the lieutenant, so…thank you.”
He lifts his shoulder and drops it carelessly, motioning for me to keep following him. “It was pure luck, don’t look too far into it, okay?”
I smile behind him and tuck my hands into my pockets. “Okay.”