12. Cam
CAM
“Cam?”
My heart stopped.
That was Jordan’s voice. Jordan was standing on the other side of that wall.
Holy shit, I had to get out of here.
I lurched towards the door, but I only made it halfway before he called out behind me.
“Cam, wait!”
In spite of myself, I turned. The smart thing to do would be to leave before I had to explain why I was meeting someone in a public restroom, or just who Miller was, and what we’d been—well, what he’d been planning on doing tonight.
And yet, I turned. Jordan’s voice touched something in my core. I would have turned back to look at him if I were drowning. I’d stand still and let fires consume me, just for a final glimpse.
His cheeks were flushed. He ran a hand through his dark hair, then bit his lip. Even in the harsh fluorescent light, he was gorgeous. My chest heaved, my body pulled towards him by something I didn’t understand.
“Are you—what are you—I didn’t—” Jordan stuttered to a stop and stared at me, bewildered.
And suddenly, I realized how tired I was. So fucking tired, of running, of lying, of pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
If Jordan thought I was disgusting, or pathetic, or crazy, if he turned around and told Levi, told the whole island, so be it. I didn’t want to hide anymore.
His lips, so soft and kissable, parted. His brow furrowed. “You can’t be—”
“I’m gay, Jordan.” The words came out like a dam breaking.
Like an avalanche. “I’m gay, and I was supposed to meet a guy from the internet here.
Because I’ve never even kissed a man, but I don’t want to end up alone, and we were supposed to meet to—God, I don’t even know, because I’d started to second-guess myself, and I actually came here tonight to tell him I’d changed my mind, which just goes to show you how stupid this plan was from the beginning.
So, there you go. That’s what I’m doing here.
Go ahead and laugh. I know it’s pathetic. ”
My shoulders sagged. I could barely bring myself to meet his eyes, and when I did, I wished I hadn’t. Because what I saw in them wasn’t pity, or even disgust. It was amusement. His face broke into a grin, cutting me like a knife.
“I have to go.” I spun around and made for the door.
“No, Cam, please,” Jordan said, but he was laughing now.
“I know I said you could laugh, but that doesn’t mean I actually want to listen to it, thanks all the same.”
“No, Cam, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at me. At us. I’m laughing because I’m Miller. I’m the guy you were meeting.”
I froze.
“Are you fucking with me right now?”
“No. Cam, I swear, I’m not. I just can’t believe that it’s you. You’re Quincy?”
My stomach turned a somersault. He’d called himself Miller. He knew I’d used the name Quincy. He was telling the truth.
I turned slowly. Jordan’s face was a strange mixture of delight and pleading. I frowned.
“You really didn’t know it was me? You weren’t playing a joke on me, or trying to trick me into—”
“God, Cam, no.” Jordan rushed up and took my hand. I flinched, but I didn’t pull it free. I couldn’t have even if I’d wanted to. “Do you really think I would do that?”
“I don’t know what to think,” I said, my voice strangled. “Why were you on that app?”
“Why do you think? For the same reason you were.” He looked at me wonderingly.
“Trying to find someone to lose your virginity to?” I forced myself to say it.
“Well, no.” He smiled. “But I was trying to find someone to—to make me feel wanted again. After my ex cheated on me, I was just hoping to forget how shitty I felt.”
I swallowed. “Well, I’m sorry I got in the way of that plan. I didn’t mean to waste your time. I’m sure there are other guys who’d be happy to—”
“Dammit, Cam, do you not get that I’m happy it turned out to be you?” Jordan tugged my hand. “Yes, I’m surprised, but I don’t get why you’re acting like this is some big disaster when we both want the same thing.”
“Because we don’t want the same thing!” I burst out. His eyes went wide, and I closed mine. I didn’t know why I was saying this, but I was already mortified, and I might as well make it complete. “Because I like you, Jordan.”
“You…like…me?”
“Yeah.” I was completely drained. Even opening my eyes again felt like too much. “Yeah, I do. And I was going to tell Miller I didn’t want to hook up anymore. That’s why I asked him—well, you—to meet up.”
“You didn’t want to hook up? But why?”
“Because even though I knew it was pointless and you didn’t feel the same way, I couldn’t imagine kissing someone else when I wanted to be kissing you.
So if you want to laugh about something, laugh about that, because that’s the really pathetic part.
I had a crush on my best friend’s little brother, which he’d probably kill me for, by the way, and I let it ruin my only chance to get some experience in an area I desperately need it. ”
In the silence that followed, all I could hear was the slight buzzing of the fluorescent lights and the too-loud beating of my own heart. Finally, Jordan spoke.
“Cam, look at me.” There was a heat in his voice that scared me. “Cam.”
Tears of frustration were building up behind my eyes, but what could I do except obey? I opened them, willing myself not to react, no matter the expression I saw on his face.
“I’m not laughing. And you’re not pathetic.” Jordan squeezed my hand. “And you didn’t ruin anything.”
A stray tear trickled out of the corner of my eye. “But I told you—”
“You didn’t ruin anything,” he repeated. He brought his free hand to my face, wiping the tear away. “You didn’t ruin anything at all.”
And then he was kissing me. I couldn’t figure out how it had happened. One second we were standing there, frozen, and the next, my arms were around his waist, his hands were in my hair, and his lips were on mine.
It wasn’t an echo of our kiss on the patio.
It was more like that kiss was an echo of this one, a faint reflection of its heat and passion and rightness.
Jordan pushed me back until I bumped against the wall.
I pulled him tight, relishing the warmth of his body against mine, his tongue tangling with my own.
When our lips finally parted, I was gasping for breath.
“I like you,” Jordan said, giving me a level look. “In case that wasn’t clear. And I was planning on letting Quincy down easy tonight too.”
“You were?”
“I was.” He smiled. “I might have started out wanting a casual hookup, but these past two days, spending time with you, something changed. I didn’t expect you to return my feelings—I was pretty sure you were straight, for one thing—but it didn’t matter.
I liked you, and I didn’t want to be with anyone else. ”
My head was spinning. “But…why? Why would you like me?”
“Why does anyone like anybody? Because you’re sweet, and you’re kind, and you’re funny, and you’re smart, and you get flustered talking to strangers and ramble about melons. Because you’re you.” He grinned. “Being hot doesn’t hurt either.”
“But I’m not hot.”
“I respectfully disagree.”
“Jordan, I know what I look like. I might not be awful-looking anymore, but—”
“You were never awful-looking, you idiot. I seem to recall telling you that before. You’ve always been hot.”
“I’m thirty-one years old, and a virgin. That’s not hot, you can’t tell me it is. And I don’t know how to talk to people, and I don’t do crowds, and I have like, one friend, and I’m weird.”
“You’re not weird. You’re you,” Jordan said. “I told you. I like that.”
“It just doesn’t make sense. You could have anyone.”
“Maybe. But I want you.” He stared at me. “Do you really not believe me?”
“I’m trying to,” I said weakly. “I just can’t quite wrap my head around it.”
He cocked his head to the side. “You know what? There’s a simple fix for that.”
Before I could even ask what he meant, he was pulling me to the bathroom stalls.
“Wait, what are you—”
“Inside,” Jordan said, pushing me into the stall he’d vacated minutes before. “Pants down.”
“But we’re—”
“Pants. Down.” He grinned. “Unless you want my help with that part?”
I stared at him, feeling lightheaded, until he slipped into the stall next door. When I looked over at the hole, his hand was sticking through it, making a crooking motion.
“Jordan, we’re in public.”
“So?” His voice was slightly muffled by the wall, but I could still hear the amusement in it. “You were willing to do this before you knew it was me. So what’s changed now?”
“Now, I care if we get caught, and you get arrested for public indecency because of me.”
“If I get arrested for public indecency, it’ll be because of my actions. Which I am undertaking of my own volition. So unless you’ve changed your mind because you don’t want to get caught, why don’t you let me wrap my mouth around your dick, and see if that helps your head?”
God help me, that sentence sent a bolt of electricity straight to my cock. None of this made any sense, but was I really going to say no? Slowly, I locked the door, unzipped, and pulled my pants and boxers down. I took a deep breath and pushed my cock through the hole.
“Holy shit,” Jordan breathed. “You’re even better looking than your picture.”
I wondered if he really meant that, and opened my mouth to tell him he didn’t have to flatter me, but before I could, he brought his hand to the base of my cock, and my protest turned into a whimper of pleasure. Just the warmth of his skin on mine was enough to make my knees shake.
His tongue circled the tip of my cock, so slowly it was excruciating, before he slid his lips around the head.
In spite of myself, I moaned. It felt so, so much better than my own hand.
I wondered, briefly, if it would feel this good with anyone, or if it was because I knew it was Jordan on the other side of the wall. But I knew the answer.
It was all him. Anyone could make me feel physically good, but only Jordan could unlock this part of me, the part that was thrilled and terrified, falling and flying at the same time. Only Jordan made me feel like risking everything for him.