Chapter 32
RAIN
They’d made me an office in a room previously used for storage near the administration offices.
I was working on a few individual plans—step-by-step ways to work toward achieving a goal.
I had them for almost all the players now, as well as for the team itself and the coaches.
I was working on one for Meester when there was a knock at my door.
“Come in.”
The door opened, and Mal Benoit poked his head in. He flashed me a smile, in dress slacks and a button-down shirt. The collar was pulled out and it was sans a tie, but he looked the epitome of a rich business owner. “Bad time?”
“Uh, no.” I saved my work and closed out of the program, shutting my laptop.
“Come in.” I indicated the loveseat on the other side of my desk.
When and if a player came in, I liked having them comfortable.
As Mal took a seat at one end, I said, “I have a mini fridge. Would you like water? I also brought in my Keurig. I can make a mean cup of coffee.”
“I’m good. You do know there’s a whole cafeteria where any of the staff can go for water or coffee or hell, even a latte, I’m told.” He was teasing, but I saw some tension on his face.
I had an inkling of what this was about, but I asked anyway. “What brings you to my corner of the Grays’ world?”
“What happened with Tyler?”
Yes. That.
Since I’d told Tyler my secret, he hadn’t spoken a word to me. That’d been a week ago. I hadn’t been certain what to expect from him, but it wasn’t this silent treatment.
I’d tried telling myself it was fine. We never talked around the team, but this felt different. If I entered a room, he left it. If he had to be in a room with me, he kept his eyes somewhere else. It was to be expected, and maybe even for the best, except it hurt.
He had every right to be angry.
We couldn’t have kept going the way we were.
I kept reminding myself it was for the best. It worked after a while, after I’d learned to numb myself before coming to the arena every morning and to give myself a few hours every evening to turn off all of the hurt.
But I was miserable at work when I was around the team. Around him.
I’d shut down more and more. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Mal had heard about it, or that he was concerned enough to make an office visit.
My heartbeat picked up. This could be the start of them having to make a choice: Tyler Griffin or me.
“Griffin found out who I’m related to.”
Whatever Mal had been expecting, it wasn’t that. His face went blank in surprise. “He—what?”
My hands began to shake. I tucked them under the desk, folding them together in my lap. “That’s why you’re here, right? Because of the way he’s been ignoring me?”
He coughed and straightened in his seat. “I mean, yes. People have noticed and brought it to me, but…” He gave me a befuddled look. “How’d he find out?”
“I told him.”
He pulled in a sharp breath. “What? You what?”
“I told him.” I said it again.
“Why?”
For a moment, a very brief moment, I considered coming clean about our potential personal relationship.
That would’ve been career suicide. I’d be fired.
He would have no other choice. I’d be forcing his hand.
I was self-aware enough to know I wanted to punish myself—that’s where that impulse came from.
I wanted to push myself down even farther. But I didn’t do it.
Mal was still waiting for an explanation.
I didn’t have one. “It came up in conversation.”
He leaned forward in his seat. “Walk me through that conversation.”
I opened my mouth, ready to tell him I couldn’t.
“It affects the team and your ability to do your job,” he countered before I’d even spoken. “You need to walk me through how that came up.” His face tightened. “You were the one who warned us about this scenario.”
I swallowed the words that wanted to come up.
“He asked me to go to the hospital with him one night, to see his sister and niece. His sister didn’t recognize me, but I knew if he continued wanting me to be involved with his family situation, it was only a matter of time.
She dated Daniel for a short period and was aware that he had a sister.
I felt it was unethical. He needed to know who I was if he was going to trust me with such personal issues. ”
It was plausible. It was also a lie.
“Christ, Connors.”
“Rain.”
“Right. Rain. Sorry.” He grimaced. “Do I need to know the full history of Griffin and your brothers?”
A snort left me before I could stop it. “All you need to do is visit YouTube. The videos will pop up. I’m sure your P.I. already looked into it, right?”
His gaze was measured. “I’d rather hear it from you. His sister dated your brother?”
“That won’t come up on YouTube.”
“You know what I mean.”
I did, and I closed my mouth. I was self-destructive, but not that self-destructive. “I don’t know much about her relationship with Daniel. He… I can only imagine. Daniel wasn’t the most pleasant person to me. And they didn’t date long.”
“Is your brother pleasant to anyone?”
My mouth twitched. “Daniel? I have no idea. I didn’t lie to the team when they met me. I truly don’t know my brothers, either of them.”
Mal gazed at me with concern, but he didn’t comment on whatever he was thinking. After a moment, he asked, “Is it affecting the team? Griffin’s silent treatment of you?”
I was sure some noticed, but I shook my head. “We rarely interacted around the team before he found out, so not much has changed. I’ll let you know if I think it’s affecting my productivity.”
I was saying all the words to appease him, but Mal wasn’t stupid. He looked at me long enough that I grew uncomfortable.
Then he switched it off, and a professional mask slipped over him.
“I have no idea what your family dynamics are like, were like, but I can imagine—based on your requests and now with Griffin’s reaction.
What I do have an idea about is you. You’re kind.
You have no ego. And you care. You care about your job.
You care about the players. You care about the sport itself.
If Griffin’s treatment continues, we’ll have to talk to him.
I don’t want to lose you here. You’re helping. Everyone can tell.”
My eyes burned as I nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”
“You’re here for the team, but we’re here for you. Don’t forget that. My job is to give you whatever resources you need. My door’s always open.”
This time my smile was a little less forced and the pain lessened, just a fraction. “Thank you, Mal. Again.”
He said goodbye, and I sat at my desk, feeling my world slipping out from under my feet. I’d fought for so long to keep hockey out of my life. But now that it was back, I didn’t want anything to take it away again.
I finished my reports and my plan for Meester, and as soon as I was done, I headed for the ice.
The team was gone for the day, so it was quiet when I got to the rink.
By now, Morty was quite aware of my routine.
After the third time of asking him if I could skate since the ice was clean, he told me he always came early to clean the ice, whether it needed a cleaning at five in the morning or not.
“Either myself or Benji cleans it. It became a part of my routine when my wife was battling cancer and the kids were in school,” he’d told me.
“I used that time to get myself ready for the day. My wife’s been cancer-free for ten years, and my kids are now starting to have their own little ones, but I like that peace in the morning.
I’ll be there if you skate or if you don’t, so you don’t have to keep asking me for permission.
That ice is there to be skated on, and my job is to keep it clean.
Let the ice and me both do our jobs. You can always skate, Miss Rain. ”
Hearing that helped. After that, I hit the ice just about any time someone else wasn’t on it.
Today, I had two needs warring inside of me. One was violence, and the other was escape. Hockey could fulfill them both.
For the first, I wanted to feel a hockey stick in my hand, and I wanted to use it to hit the puck as hard into the net as possible. I wanted to do that over and over again. For the other, I needed to skate fast. I needed the world to slip away, and I wasn’t going to stop until my legs gave out.
I linked my earbuds to my phone, tucked it in my pocket, and began.