Chapter 33
RAIN
Tonight was the Grays’ first game against one of my brothers’ teams since I’d been with them.
Everyone was focused on the rivalry between Tyler and Dane so hardly anyone noticed me.
They didn’t see how I was a mess in the days before.
I had planned for my reaction, and I fully was prepared to spend the evening in my hotel room.
Except I messed up.
I followed my routine without thinking and came to the rink in the morning.
I forgot. I just totally forgot.
Boston had gotten into town the night before, and of course they would have morning skate. It’s what both teams did. How could I have forgotten? I couldn’t explain it, but I did.
I was heading down the hallway to my office when a bunch of the Boston players crossed ahead of me, going to their locker room.
I froze, panic rising. Dread lined my stomach.
Everything happened in slow motion.
Marcus Engler passed, Dane’s best friend, and right behind him—because the two were inseparable—was my brother. He turned back, laughing at something their goalie was saying. He didn’t see me, but he would have if he’d looked down the hallway they were crossing.
My stomach heaved.
I shoved my way into the closest bathroom and emptied anything and everything I’d eaten that morning.
I left home when I was eighteen. It’d been twelve years since I’d seen Dane in person.
Both of my brothers were NHL stars, so it was almost impossible not to see their faces on anything advertising hockey, but I’d sequestered my life into football.
Tom Brady, Jason and Travis Kelce, Tyreek Hill, Pat Mahomes.
Those were the faces I encountered over and over again. I was part of that world.
But no longer.
A soft knocking sounded on the door, and I cursed, trying to push myself back to my feet. “Ho—hold on, please.” My legs were unsteady. This happened whenever I was sick like this.
“Rain?” It was Mal. “Someone told me you darted in here. Are you okay? I didn’t think you’d be here today.”
My stomach spasmed, and I got scared I was going to puke again, but then it settled. I let out a breath of relief. Flushing the toilet, I backed up and let myself slide along the wall. Leaning over, I rested my shoulder and the side of my head against the door. “Do you need to use the bathroom?”
“No, but can I come in?” he asked.
I hesitated. “It’s gross in here.”
“You’re my employee. I’m okay with gross. As long as you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.”
“I’d still feel better if you let me come in. Please? Just for a moment. I’d like to get eyes on you, reassure myself.”
Reaching up, I unlocked the door and he pushed in, easing the door gently until he spotted me. He came in and locked the door behind him. He turned the water on, testing the temperature. “Do you have the flu?”
His eyes were too knowing, so I wasn’t going to bullshit him. I shook my head. “No.”
He grabbed a bunch of paper towels and put them under the water.
When he was satisfied, he turned the water off and handed them to me.
As I used them to wipe off my face, he checked the toilet.
The only other place to sit was by the toilet.
He leaned against the wall in front of me. We both avoided that area.
“You saw your brother?”
I nodded, wordless, crumpling the paper towels in my hand.
“Is this…” His face was a storm of concern and other emotions. “Can I be frank with you?”
I held out a hand, indicating for him to go ahead. My tongue was too heavy. My throat hurt. I wasn’t going to talk unless I absolutely needed to.
He let out a soft sigh. “I wasn’t completely honest with you when we first met for dinner.
When we found the connection between you and your brothers, we were confused about the secrecy.
We went digging. We talked to some high school coaches, teachers, and even some neighbors.
The picture we began to get wasn’t… It began to tell a story, and I knew we needed to stop if we were going to respect your privacy.
We tried. I promise we did. I wasn’t surprised when you asked for your family connection to be kept secret and said you didn’t want to be here when we played their teams. But after your reaction today, I feel I need to ask… ”
I waited, holding my breath.
“Would you like the opportunity to talk to someone? If seeing… If there was abuse of any sort in the house… It’s obvious something happened, and I’d hate it if this job was reopening old wounds.”
My eyebrows went up at abuse, but it made sense. I shook my head. “No,” I rasped out. Clearing my throat, I spoke again. “There was no physical or sexual abuse. Nothing like that. I never worried about my safety or having enough to eat. Nothing like that.”
“Oh.” It was clear that wasn’t what he thought I’d say.
I grimaced. “But you’re right. Coming back to hockey has brought up old stuff, and after seeing my brother just now, I’m sure I’ll be shaken for the rest of the day.”
His eyes clouded over again.
He deserved some of the truth. “There was neglect.” I looked away because this made me feel exposed.
“There was extreme neglect in some aspects. Some verbal abuse. And some emotional abuse. It’s not the type of abuse that gets talked about, but there are wounds.
Dane…” Shit, even saying his name out loud was difficult.
My hand began shaking, so I tucked it under my leg.
“He wasn’t as bad as Daniel, but there was no kindness either. ”
Mal snorted before he flashed me a rueful grin. “That was unprofessional of me. I apologize, but I just thought that was appropriate, considering how he plays hockey. He’s not as much of a bully as your oldest brother, but he’s still a mean son of a bitch on the ice.”
I laughed, which felt good. “I’m not so fond of him, so no offense taken.”
He chuckled with me before he grew serious. “I’m sorry about this stuff, that it’s opening old wounds.” He hesitated. “If you ever wanted to talk to someone, I could be there for you. Lend a listening ear over a glass of wine, that sort of thing.” He held my gaze. “A friend if you’d like.”
I drew in some air, silently, but he saw my reaction.
His face became a mask of professional warmth.
“Or not. That’s entirely up to you. I just wanted you to know that someone could care, does care.
” He coughed. “I do care. And yes, if anything, as friends. Friends.” He said it again, more firmly.
“Is there anything you need right now? I can send someone to bring you water? Your things? Mouthwash?”
I barked out a laugh. “No. I’m good. I promise.”
“Okay, but Rain, just in case you need to hear it, you’re wanted here. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. People care about you. If there’s anything you need, let me know. We’re all one big family. This is hockey, remember?”
Yes, it was. I thanked him, and after he left, I remained in the bathroom.
A hockey family.
I’d never understood what that word meant growing up.
It was tossed around a lot, but it meant something different to me than it did the rest of the world.
I’d needed to watch others in school, in college.
I’d needed to see how their families treated them to realize that other families weren’t like mine.
Other parents weren’t like my father. Other siblings didn’t loathe each other.
They didn’t ignore each other, treat each other with disdain.
Some siblings even loved each other. That was a novel concept to me, but by the time I began to piece together what was missing in my life, too much time had passed. I was too broken already.
Still, Mal’s words stirred a sliver of hope inside me.
Was it possible?