Chapter 70
TYLER
Later that night, Rain was quiet on the way back to her hotel.
I glanced over, the sound of the wipers filling the air.
We hadn’t turned the radio on, and it had started to snow.
Tonight had been a lot. The previous twenty-four hours had been a lot.
Fuck. The whole week had been intense. Rain was quiet, withdrawn, and looking out the window I was suddenly really tired of going to a hotel in order to be with her.
“I need to get an apartment.”
“What?” She frowned at me. “You didn’t sign just for a year. They locked you in for five years, right? You should get a house. Move Skylar and Zoey in with you.”
I shot her a look. She wasn’t including herself? “Thank you for tonight,” I told her.
I hadn’t said it earlier, but I’d felt it. Zoey hugged Rain before going to bed, and then Skylar had hugged her so tightly I worried she might break my woman’s bones. As soon as Zoey’s bedroom door had shut, Skylar broke down and clung to Rain, thanking her profusely.
Rain had smiled, hugged Skylar back, and said, “I just nudged the door open. That’s it. She wanted to say it. Sometimes it’s easier to tell someone who’s not so close, someone more impartial. I think it would’ve come out soon anyway.”
Skylar had needed to hear that, and she’d thanked her for saying that too.
We hadn’t stayed much longer, as things felt a little surreal and heavy. Now the air in my truck felt just as heavy. Was that an emotional hangover from what Zoey had confessed? I gripped the steering wheel. “She’s going to get her help.”
Rain turned my way.
“We didn’t have time to get into it, but she’s going to get Zoey all the help.
Not that she wasn’t before. She was just—Ski doesn’t trust a lot of people, but there was one social worker that helped us.
Helped her, really. I don’t understand all that stuff, but I know you helped tonight.
And you’re acting all impartial about it and chill, but it was a big fucking deal what you did.
You helped Zoey, and you helped my sister, and you helped me, and I don’t get why you’re sitting there all cold—”
“I wanted to kill myself too.”
I stopped breathing as those words echoed in the truck.
Fucking Christ.
I hit the blinker and pulled into the nearest parking lot. As soon as I knew I wasn’t going to crash the truck, I put it in park and turned her way.
“When you were a kid too? A teenager?”
Rain faced forward. Her eyes weren’t on me. I didn’t like that. I wanted to see her.
“No,” she said after a moment. “I still had hope back then. I don’t know how or where it came from, but I wasn’t done yet.”
Jesus. A vacant expression came over her. Her words sounded empty. “I’d bought a gun the day Mal Benoit called me. I decided I was done, so I went and bought a gun and brought it back to my apartment. Then I just stared at it.”
She laughed, though she still wasn’t looking at me.
“I freaked out. The phone rang, and I came here and took this job and…” She stopped talking.
She just looked like a statue. “You—when I met Mal for dinner and realized the team he wanted me to help was a hockey team, I had so many feelings rushing through me, but I wanted it.”
She finally turned my way, that beautiful, haunted face finally looked at me. I saw the spark in her eyes. I saw the hunger.
“I wanted it so badly because I’d forgotten how much I loved hockey,” she said.
“I’d loved it too, and they took it away from me.
” Tears filled her eyes. “My brothers became these fucking NHL superstars, and I had to hide because I didn’t want anyone to know I was their sister.
Fuck them. Fuck them. Mal offered me a chance to come back into this world, and I took it, and I don’t regret it. Not one fucking bit.”
Her eyes pled with me, as if asking for permission.
I reached for her hand. “You can feel however you want. They’ve taken enough from you.”
She squeezed my hand. “Daniel found out I’m here. I don’t know how, but that TikTok was him trying to scare me away.”
“I know.”
Her knuckles were white. “They conditioned me to believe I didn’t matter.
I don’t know if they did it on purpose. I doubt it.
It was just something they did. My dad didn’t want me, and my brothers followed suit.
” She looked at me a moment. “You’re my brother’s enemy, but so am I.
Daniel did that. He made me his enemy, and I never knew why.
What was so wrong with me? Daniel saw me, hated me, and emotionally abused me. Dane just never saw me.”
She glanced my way. “I went into psychology to try to fix myself, but I couldn’t.
I just thought—I thought I wasn’t worth anyone loving me.
” She closed her eyes, and her head hung down.
“I’ve carried that with me all this time—that I don’t matter, that something’s wrong with me, that no one will love me.
I gave up. I accepted that I’d be alone for the rest of my life, but I was so lonely.
” She shook her head. “I was lonely, and I was so tired of being alone, and there was no reason to keep going. There was no hope anymore. So I bought a gun.”
She turned away.
I didn’t have one fucking clue what to say or how to respond. Jesus Christ. What should I do? “Rai—”
“But there’s a name for how I grew up. A name.
” She looked at me, her eyes shining and alive.
“That means there are others like me. They’ve been researched and identified.
There are enough of us to make an identifiable list of our qualities, our characteristics.
I’d accepted that I was alone.” Her voice rose, but it shook.
“I thought I was the problem, and Mal gave me a name, a name I should’ve known, but I didn’t! ”
“But you know now.”
She was breathing hard now and she nodded.
“I was going to kill myself. I bought that gun. Sure, I freaked out, but I know what I would’ve done.
Eventually I would’ve pulled the trigger.
But Mal called. That call, coming here, coming back to hockey, meeting you—you saved my life.
That call brought me to you. Brought me to another brother and maybe…
It wouldn’t have been enough just to have hockey again. I needed you.”
“Baby,” I said, brokenly. “I have no idea what to say or do. I’ve got no clue how to be here for you.”
She shook her head, holding on to my hand.
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m not Zoey.
My stuff is different. I was resigned to dying.
I just didn’t see why I should keep going, but Zoey’s different.
I think hers was an impulsive decision? I don’t know.
That’s for Zoey and Skylar and whoever she ends up seeing as a professional to unpack.
They’ll dive into that and help her. She will get help.
Saying it is always the first step. And it’s terrifying.
” She gazed at me. “It’s really terrifying. ”
“You’re scared now?” I reached for her, my hand sliding along her jaw, cupping her face.
She blinked and nodded. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “I feel like a fraud.”
“What? Why?”
“Because maybe I shouldn’t be doing what I do considering—”
“Fuck that,” I growled. “In one sitting, my niece told you she’d tried to kill herself.
In one fucking sitting, you got her to open up.
You’ve helped me. What you said to me about the team, they meant everything.
And you know as well as I do what you’ve done with the team—what you’ve done with countless teams. Stop that line of thinking.
No one is perfect, Rain. Not one person.
And it’s harder for women sometimes. I get that.
I see it, but you and Skylar are the two strongest people I have ever met.
Whatever you’re thinking about, whatever spiral you want to fall into, just stop it.
” I leaned over, resting my forehead to hers and holding her face in my hands.
“I need you here. I want you whole, and I’ll be with you every step of the way, to help in any way you need it.
You hear me? I got you. The team has you.
My sister will never let you go now. You’re not going anywhere, and all you need to do from now is do your job and take care of yourself.
That’s it. The rest of us will have your back, okay? ” I lifted my head but held her gaze.
Her eyes searched mine, and after a moment, they changed. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
She shrugged sheepishly. “You were here for me.” She smiled and reached for me. “For me, you being here, listening to me, letting me talk, seeing me, hearing me, that’s all I need. That’s all I needed. You see me.”
“I will always see you. I love you.”
“I love you too.” She glanced away for a second. “I’m going to find a professional to talk to, someone who specializes in the lost child role.”
“That’s the name?”
“Yeah. The lost child syndrome. Or the invisible child. For me, it was the same thing.” She nodded to herself, seeming determined.
“It helped a lot to find out the name for what I was. It’s helped so much, even in a short amount of time, but I’m not going to lie.
I am hard-wired to believe you don’t love me.
I’ve been conditioned that you and everyone else will eventually leave, that you’ll suddenly realize I’m not worth it.
Please be patient with me. I’m going to be fighting myself. And it’s…it’s going to be hard.”
“Rain.” I leaned in, finding her mouth. “I’m going to do so much research and studying and talking to your professional person,” I told her between kisses.
“I’ll be able to take one look at you and know what you’re struggling with.
That’s my goal. And you need to know that in the Griffin family, we’re one for all, like those Mouse people. ”
“Mouse people?”
“The Mousksters. Those people.”
“The Musketeers?”
“Yeah. Those people. You’re the fourth one. Don’t tell Eric. Ski says he thinks he’s the fourth member of the family, now that he’s met me and you. I think your days of hiding are over. You’ve got too many people who’ll put out an APB if you try isolating yourself again.”
She grinned at me. She looked good.
She gave me another kiss and murmured, “We can go home, baby.”
I liked hearing her call me that. I liked it a whole lot, but a new type of worry sprang to life.
I never would’ve thought she was the type to buy a gun and consider what she was going to do.
Never. I’d met her and wanted her. She’d seemed good.
Beautiful. She looked capable. Strong. Assertive.
Now to find out she’d been wanting to die for years?
I would’ve had no idea if she hadn’t said the words to me tonight. Not one inkling.
“You don’t think Zoey’s like…”
“Like what?” she asked.
“The way you were treated growing up—you think Zoey’s treated like that?”
“No!” She grasped my hand and shook her head fervently.
“God, no. I don’t know why Zoey felt the way she did.
It could be because something happened at school.
Or she suffers from depression? I don’t know, but Zoey is not me.
Zoey is loved. She’s seen. You switched NHL teams and moved across the country because your family needed you, because she needed you.
Trust me. Zoey is not me.” She peered at me intently.
“She will get the help she needs. I have all the faith. You and Skylar, you rallied around her. I really think she’s going to be okay. ”
Some of my fears lessened. “And you? If you’re ever thinking of doing something again?”
That’s what worried me now. She could hide it so well. She had hidden it, but maybe that was part of the invisible kid thing? I didn’t know. I needed to learn about it.
She drew in a breath. “I think with me, it’s going to take time.
I need to find someone who can help me. Then I’ll know more about how you can help.
But I can tell you I don’t want to do anything with that gun anymore.
I have you. I have hockey again. I have friends.
I have hope. I’d lost hope. The world went gray and stayed gray and I didn’t see any more color coming.
But then it did. If I ever do have those thoughts, I’ll come to you. ”
“Promise me.” If she was suddenly not here one day? “Promise me, Rain.”
“I promise,” her voice went quiet again and she repeated it. “I promise.” She released her seatbelt and clambered over to me.
I hit my seat, pushing it as far back as possible so she could straddle me. Her forehead came to mine, and her hair fell like a curtain around us, cocooning us in our own world.
I breathed her in, cupcakes and lilac, and knew I’d want this world with her forever. “Don’t ever leave me,” I said raggedly.
“I won’t.” Her mouth found mine, and I was swept up in all things Rain.
It rattled me, thinking about a world without her, a life without her. “I want to marry you.”
She stiffened before lifting her head. “What?”
“I…” I closed my mouth. “Well, fuck.”