Chapter 69
RAIN
“How was the dinner at Coach’s house?” I overheard Sky ask Tyler in the kitchen.
They were washing dishes while Zoey and I were in the living room. There was a movie playing on the television, but I wasn’t paying attention.
“My mom said you were a counselor?” Zoey asked, her eyes wide as she curled up in the corner of the couch.
She had a pillow and blanket pulled over her lap, and she looked almost as if she were trying to hide.
Her brown hair was piled in a messy bun on top of her head, and she wore Tyler’s jersey.
She and her mother were matching, actually.
Sky said they’d changed as soon as their first batch of company left.
When we got here, they’d thrown their hands in the air yelling, “Ta da! We’re thankful for you. ”
I’d never seen Tyler smile so wide. It took my breath away. After that, we’d sat down for a drink and snacks, though no one was hungry. All of us were stuffed from our earlier meals.
I sat up a little straighter to answer Zoey. She was asking for a reason. I shook my head. “I didn’t go to school specifically for that.” I smiled. “My specialty is sports psychology and team dynamics.”
She tucked her blanket under her chin. “My therapist said going to therapy doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.
It just means I’m brave enough to try to separate the ouchies on my inside from the ouchies on the outside.
” She made a face. The blanket slipped down to her lap.
“I think she mostly talks to little kids, but she’s the one my mom feels comfortable with me talking to.
” She furrowed her brow. “But there are different specialties?”
The professional in me took over, and it became clear in my mind. I was here for one reason right now, and that was Zoey. “Yes,” I told her. “There are lots of different specialties. Family therapists, sex therapists…”
She giggled.
My lips curved up. “There are counselors for eating disorders, addiction, alcoholism. All kinds of things. And there are psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health workers, social workers, and occupational therapists. But their main goal is always to help. Are you enjoying talking to your therapist?”
I did not miss the way she looked toward the kitchen. Tyler and Sky had quieted, but the water continued running. They were still washing dishes.
Zoey picked at her blanket. “It’s okay.”
Right. Okay. I felt like she really wanted to say something.
Zoey was not a player or an athlete. She was Tyler’s niece.
I needed to adjust my approach and bring myself more to the forefront.
“Listen, it’s not my place to speak on your mom’s behalf, but I can tell you that she’s an adult.
She probably has a whole plan for how to help you, but the bottom line is that she just wants to help.
That’s it. If you don’t like your counselor, there are other counselors.
Other therapists. But the biggest thing is you.
Your mom’s not a mind-reader, though it would be awesome and terrifying if she were.
” Zoey’s lip twitched, and I mirrored her grin.
“I think you just gotta tell her what’s going on with you. ”
She nodded, going back to picking at her blanket. “Yeah. I know.”
God. I didn’t know this girl. We had no relationship to lean on. I didn’t know the right words to say, but I sensed so much pain. I had to wonder for a second if it was mine. Or if it was hers and somehow, I was feeling it? There’d been times when that sort of thing occurred with me.
“I was at the hospital,” I told her.
She looked up at my words. She went so still.
“I was really nervous.”
“You were?” She tilted her head.
I nodded. “Yeah. Because your uncle and your mom didn’t know who I was at the time, who my brother was.”
“Oh.” She tugged the blanket up again. “He dated my mom, right?”
My throat swelled up, painfully, as I nodded. “He was mean.”
She went back to picking at the blanket, not looking at me. “That’s what she said. He was mean to her, and he ghosted her after the car accident.”
A sudden clarity washed through me. I didn’t know why or where it had come from, but I almost laughed. “You know, I used to blame myself for that car accident.”
Her eyes were so big. “Why? Were you there?”
“No.” I did laugh this time, because it was so silly, what I had let Daniel put in my head.
“He was mad at me that day.” I rolled my eyes.
“I never got to watch television, and back then, we didn’t have all the different things you could watch TV on now, or at least I didn’t.
My brothers always monopolized the television, watching tape or games.
But for once, I’d gotten it. Our other brother was gone, and I knew Daniel was leaving for a date, so I was excited to watch a movie.
But then he came down and demanded to check the scores for whatever game was on that day.
I don’t know why he couldn’t check on the computer or his phone.
I think he was just pissed that I looked comfortable in the living room.
He liked to make me go to my room as much as possible, but since no one else was around, I refused to change the channel for him.
I was adamant that it was my turn, and I was going to watch the movie I wanted to watch.
He was so mad at me. He stormed out.” I looked over at her.
“That was the night he and your mom got into their car accident.” I shivered, remembering how I’d enjoyed that evening.
I’d watched the movie and gone to bed. When I woke up later that night, Daniel was standing in my doorway.
He was covered in blood. “He blamed me.”
“What?” She inhaled. “How?”
“Said it was my fault he was in such a pissed-off mood, and if he hadn’t been so angry, he wouldn’t have missed the stop sign.
” Jesus. “I believed him for years—until just now, actually, which is sad in a whole other way. But it didn’t occur to me that he had driven that route so many other times.
They were going to his favorite restaurant.
He knew the stop sign was there. He rolled it because he liked to roll through stop signs.
The other driver had been drinking and hit them, but if he hadn’t rolled that stop sign, they wouldn’t have been hit.
And he was in an angry mood because he was always in an angry mood.
It had nothing to do with me. But he blamed me because that’s what he did. He always blamed someone.”
“Wait. So…” Zoey frowned and moved to sit so she was facing me. She drew her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “That’s the car accident where my mom got her brain injury?”
“Yeah.” That accident was not my fault. The weight of it lifted from my chest. It wasn’t my fault. Skylar’s brain injury was not my fault.
She shook her head. “That’s messed up. That’s, like—your brother was an asshole.”
I laughed. “Yeah. He really was. He really is.”
“I’m sorry you thought that this whole time. My mom didn’t blame you, did she?”
“Oh no. I’ve never said anything—”
“Because she wouldn’t.” Zoey’s gaze was so fierce. She leaned toward me. “I know my mom, and she would never say it was your fault. Ever.”
I grew warm inside and my voice softened. “Yeah. I know that now, but for the longest time, I didn’t. I never told anyone that Daniel blamed me. I never even thought to share that with someone.”
I saw it on her face, when a light suddenly came on. She chewed her lip as she rocked back against the couch cushion. “Oh. I see where you’re going with that.”
“I didn’t do that on purpose. That’s just from many years of bringing a conversation back on topic.
” My grin turned sardonic before it went sad.
“Like I said before, I’m not a counselor, but the stuff I went through as a kid feels very fresh to me right now, so I can tell you that I didn’t talk to anyone back then, and I wish that I had.
I really, really wish I’d said something to someone, and if they didn’t want to listen, I wish I’d kept trying until I found someone that would.
If your arm is broken, and you don’t tell anyone it hurts, no one can help heal your arm.
It’ll heal, but probably in the wrong way.
You know? I’m just now starting to heal from some of the stuff that happened to me, and I don’t want you to go through the years of silent suffering that I went through.
Your mom loves you so much. Your uncle too.
I just met Eric and Paul, but I’ve got a feeling Eric would literally kill someone for you. ”
She laughed. “Don’t forget Bertle. He drives everyone crazy, but he takes care of them all. They just don’t know it.”
“I don’t really know Bertle, but I’m looking forward to getting to know him more.”
The corners of her mouth lifted in a timid smile, but I saw the fear that blazed in her eyes as well.
I had laid the foundation, set up parameters so we could talk about the scary things here.
Now I needed to see what she’d do. I’d told her something about me.
I’d showed her trust, and then I’d changed my voice so it was strong, soothing, and I’d tried to reassure her that I was an adult and was here for her.
I was steady. I could handle whatever she wanted to say to me.
In the back of my mind, I knew the water had stopped running in the kitchen. There was absolute silence except for the movie playing on the television.
She looked up, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
I went for it, speaking in a low tone, “Zoey? Can I ask you something? About your overdose?”
Time seemed to stand still, until she finally nodded.
I took a breath. “Was it accidental?”
Tears fell, and she crumbled, shaking her head.
My heart pounded. “You tried to…”
I didn’t need to keep going. She jerked her head up and down, her tears flowing.
I sat still. I allowed her to sit with her emotions and feel them, feel whatever she needed to feel. She needed to express it, and if I moved to hug her, that might change our course.
She opened her mouth, but she was gasping for breath.
“You can take your time,” I murmured.
She hung her head, and those tears never stopped. “It hurts to talk.” She patted her chest.
“Sometimes the more important the words are, the harder it is to say them.”
Her knees fell, and she sat cross-legged. Finally, in a small voice, she said, “I went to a party and I—” Her chest heaved again.
I waited.
She sniffled. “I went to a party at a friend’s house and went to her mom’s bathroom.
There were pills in there and I…” She took another deep breath.
She looked up and cleared her throat. “I took them home because I wanted to—” She began crying again, giant sobs crashed through her, one after another.
“I didn’t mean for my mom to find me. Not her. I didn’t—”
Movement came from beside me as Skylar stepped out of the hallway.
Zoey paled. “Mom. I—I—I’m so sorry. I didn’t—”
“Baby.” Skylar rushed to her, pulling her into a hug and smoothing a hand through her hair, rocking her back and forth. “Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”
The dam broke with Zoey, and she sobbed into her mom’s arms. Her cries were loud and guttural, and they broke my heart.
Then Tyler was there, blinking back his own tears, his eyes on me.
I studied him. Was he angry with me? There was such torment on his face as he blinked and turned to his sister and niece. He moved past me, but his hand came to my knee and squeezed before he sat on the other side of Zoey. She was sandwiched between her mom and her uncle.
Skylar didn’t lift her head from where it was buried in her daughter’s neck, but she reached out with one arm to clasp onto Tyler. He reached back for her, and the three of them were together. That’s how they sat for a long while, like a family.