Chapter Twelve #2
There's a space in my chest that had previously been full. Not warm and fuzzy or anything poetic like that, but full nonetheless. And now, as if I am not even worth the pity, someone has shoved their hand inside and ripped whatever was there clean out. There's a hot, suffocating pain in its place, one that reminds me of every bad thing I’ve ever done. Of every mistake I’ve ever made.
I see every time Benjamin's cried—I see the pain my hands have caused. I see him lying on my bed, so soft and so mine. And this unbearable fucking burn is making sure I know with every fiber of being that this—this new safety and comfort he’s found in Drew—is all my fault.
Drew, who touches him constantly like his skin is the air he needs. Who took the name Benjamin's miserable parents gave him and replaced it with the sun. Drew, who makes sure to let Benjamin know just how much he’s wanted. How worthy he is. And I drove him into those arms.
He would have been in mine. I would have been all of that for him—I really would have.
I’d tell him how beautiful he is, how important just the thought of his heart being happy is to me.
I’d hold him until he believed me. Button—he’d know that I don’t just want to possess him. I want to love him, too.
I would do all of this. If I could. What sick fucking God is putting Benjamin in my path, in my home, and showing me exactly what kind of life I want, that I need? All the while reminding me that I can never have it?
But Drew can. He gets to have all the best and worst parts of Benjamin. Gets to have my sun smiles, the ones I’ve never seen him give anyone else. And I won’t interfere—not when he’s so happy. Not when he laughs so much now. But I can hate Drew, and I do.
I want to die. I’m a fool.
The movie has started—it’s been playing for a while now.
Drew has angled his body to lay his head in Benjamin's lap.
Benjamin is so beautiful. His soft hazel eyes, golden hair, his full lips settled into a content smile.
His freckles aren't out this time of year, but I know they’re there.
Just like they were last summer when I had his face in my hands, staring down at him as he peered back at me in awe.
Is he doing that with Drew? Have they kissed, fallen into a heated moment together and realized there's no going back to how things were?
Have they…. Has Drew taken his first time?
Oh God. I feel like vomiting. I see Drew touching him in my mind, laying his dirty fingers on Benjamin's soft skin.
Touching his hips and digging his teeth into his throat.
For the first time in a while, I will time to speed up.
To throw me forward, all the way to August when I can get out of here.
When I can run—run away from all of this like a fucking coward.
I should never have touched him. I didn’t know that I was branding him into my skin.
I didn’t know that getting close to him meant being miserable for the rest of my life.
As soon as the credits start, I’m out of my seat. “Well, that was nice. Enjoy your dinner.” Spinning on my heel, I leave the den.
Hearing my mother’s humming drift from her bedroom, I follow the sound. The comfort—hypnotized, pulled toward her. I need something, anything, to stop this ache. I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. I don’t know why I’m so torn up. It was only hooking up. That’s all it ever was.
Mom’s sitting on her bed, legs crossed, a needle and yarn in hand as she works on her latest project. She looks up when I walk in, her smile disappearing when I stop at the threshold.
“Little Bird… you’re carrying too much. You’re hurting. What’s happened to you?” Her eyes well up with tears, her arms reaching for me after she set her yarn and needle aside.
She’s right. I’m hurting. I’m carrying it all. But what is it? What am I carrying? Disappointment? Insecurity? Jealousy? None of it seems to cover the searing pain in my chest. The feeling of losing a vital piece of myself.
I sit in front of her, putting my face in the crook of her neck. And then, because she’s my mom and I’m the same boy I’ve always been, I cry. She holds me as I shudder and sniffle against her neck, rubbing my back and making soothing sounds. Her hand runs over my hair, over and over.
“What…what am I supposed to do… when I don’t have you next to me anymore?” I push out through choked cries.
“Oh, Aaron. My baby. You always depended on me the most. You know that?” I nod against her.
“It’s really hard to be alone. Even with your friends nearby, being away from your family for the first time is really hard.
But you—you are so strong.” I cry a bit harder, not ready to acknowledge what she’s telling me, to accept it.
She seems to be holding it together well, although I feel her tears as they roll down her chin and neck, melting into my hairline. She continues.
“And for you… Well for you, right now is a bit harder. I’m not sure what is tearing you up, what is happening with you and Bear.
But I can tell you, when you walk out of a room, his eyes follow you.
And when you’re not around he’ll ask about you.
If you’ve been accepted into UA yet, or how you’re doing with the move.
He may want you to think he hates you, Little Bird, but even after whatever happened between the two of you, he still cares for you. ”
I sit up, looking into her open, knowing green eyes and through choked cries, as she holds my face I say,
“Mom, I don't know what's happening. I… I don’t know what this pain is. But I can’t even breathe anymore and I just—I just feel like I’m so close to falling apart.
And it’s my fault. I did this. And I just…
I miss him so much, Momma.” She rests her forehead on mine, not concerned with the tears or snot that could be rubbing onto her face, letting her own tears fall freely.
“I know, baby. I know. Sometimes when you’re this young, you don’t get to understand. Give it time. And if it’s supposed to make sense, one day it will. I promise. Aaron,” she tilts my head to look me in the eyes. “You’re not the monster you think you are.” I lay on her lap and cry.
◆◆◆
It’s later that night when Felix walks into my room. He enters through my bedroom door, coming to lay next to where I sit on my bed.
“Hey, Bub.” I set my notebook aside.
“Hey, where did you just come from?”
“Dinner. Bear and Drew are downstairs.” My chest tightens again. I can’t wait until I no longer have to hear a play by play of what Benjamin and Drew are doing every day. I nod.
“Okay.”
“Listen Aaron,” Fe says, grabbing my full attention with his serious tone. “I would like to ask you if you would come to my meets? I know they aren’t the most exciting, but next year you won’t be able to, and in between practice and Kayla I won’t be able to see you much going forward. So…”
My heart fucking aches. “Of course, Fe. I’ll be at every one. Give me the dates.”
“Really? Every one?” He looks so hopeful, his green eyes wide and pure. He looks so similar to me, so comforting to look at. I’m going to miss him so much.
“I’m really going to miss you, Felix. I’ll come back and visit, I promise.” I tell him and he looks away from me for a moment, eyes downcast, chewing his lip. “Fe?”
“I just… You’ve been avoiding hanging out with me for a few weeks now. I figured you just had graduation stuff to focus on and didn’t really care about leaving me behind.” He sounds so hurt, so lonely. I reach out to him, grabbing his hand.
“What? No way. I really do care. I just… there’s been some stuff on my mind.” Felix stares at me, waiting. As if he’s expecting me to elaborate. When I just stare back, he searches my face for a moment longer, then he sighs.
“Aaron, please don’t lie to me. Is there something happening with Bear?” I nearly jump out of my skin, eyes widening. “So, yes.” He deadpans.
“How... how did you...” I have no fucking idea how he came to that conclusion from this conversation. Or at all. I never would have expected that to come out of his mouth.
“Bub, I live here too. I'm not stupid. One moment you guys are friends and the next you hate each other. You can’t stand Drew for some reason, always asking me questions about him and Bear when they aren’t around.
You freak out when something happens to him, which wouldn’t be abnormal if it wasn’t a significant increase from how you were before.
I just, I don’t know. And you know Bear—if he doesn’t have to share, he won’t.
And now, you’re avoiding us anytime Drew’s around.
Earlier you looked like you would rather die than keep watching that movie with us and just mentioning the name Drew makes you glare—dude, you’re literally doing it right now. ”
“I just don’t like him, that’s all.” Okay, so maybe I haven't been very subtle. I just didn’t think Felix was so observant.
“And why not? What has he done?”
“He’s… weird. He’s always touching Benjamin super intimately for being just friends. Giving him a whole new name? Always up his ass? It’s creepy stalker shit. It has nothing to do with any kind of feelings for Benjamin.” Felix gives me one of his looks that tells me I’m full of shit.
“Aaron. I do all of those things. Like, every day. For years.” I say nothing.
Fe sighs again. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on.
I know I found some interesting… marks on Bear after the last encounter with his dad that you oddly enough didn’t seem shocked or concerned about,” Oh, fuck me.
“But to be honest, it’s not my business.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a bit hurt that whatever it is has been kept from me, but I’m not really one to talk, I guess.
Just… Aaron please fix it. I love Bear. He needs us.
And I love you. Stop torturing yourself up here alone. ”