Chapter Twelve #3
I stare at him, taking in his monologue. My baby brother has grown up at some point while I wasn’t looking. He’s so mature now, so patient. More thoughtful and emotionally mature than I am. I’m lucky to have him.
“I… it’s because I know he needs us. That’s why everything's like this. That’s why he hates me.” Felix’s face screws up in confusion.
“What does that even mean?” I take a deep breath.
“Never mind. I understand what you mean, and I won’t let my issues affect our time together anymore. I’m sorry, Fe.” He smiles at me, soft and understanding. Pulling me into a hug, he holds me for a few moments.
“We have our initial meeting tomorrow evening—we’ll get to see our starting times and where we’ll rank at first. It’s at the school and students come to watch, so you can just drive back after eating dinner.” I nod, giving him a determined smile.
“I’ll be there.”
He gives me one more hug and slips back out of the room, returning to Benjamin and Drew. Fuck. Everyone can see. They can see how he hates me. That I need to fix it. Does that mean Drew has seen it? Has he asked Benjamin? Did he tell him?
No, no more questions. Driving myself crazy isn’t helping.
So instead, I try to get some sleep.
◆◆◆
The next morning, I wake up to Amber jumping up and down on my bed.
“Dude, it’s a Monday.” I grab her ankle, pulling her legs out from under her. She squeals, plopping onto her butt by my feet.
“But babe, there’s something you have to see. Right now.” I groan.
“No Amber, I do not. It’s only six thirty! Why the hell are you even awake, you psycho!” I stare at the alarm clock next to my bed in shock.
“You're so going to feel bad for this later.” She tsks, crossing her arms.
“I really doubt it.”
“Let’s go, diva.” Amber throws a muscle tank at me and with my sweatpants and bedhead I follow her downstairs, half awake. I complain the whole way.
“I need to sleep to stay hot, Amber. You want to take me to college ugly? You’re so mean.
” We walk out of the front door. “You could have gotten me coffee or a bagel—” My voice cuts out when I see my mom and dad standing at the end of the driveway.
Felix and Benjamin are sitting on the hood of my truck where it’s parked on the curb right behind them.
And right in front of my parents is a 2018 Suzuki GSX250R.
It’s black with steel parts and has a big blue bow in between the handles.
I’ve had Suzuki posters on my wall since I was fifteen, and this particular sports bike has been all over my social media. I may or may not have talked Amber’s ear off about it.
Amber peeks her head around my shoulder and peers up at me.
“See? I told you you’d feel bad. Now, what kind of coffee did you want?” A startled laugh bursts out of me as I stare at her, then my parents, then the bike. Finally, I say,
“What the fuck?”
“Well, that’s nice, Aaron.” Dad grins.
“Happy early graduation, Little Bird. We figured you want to get a handle on it before driving it on UA campus. Knock on wood!” She giggles. Amber crosses her fingers and giggles alongside her like little girls.
I look past my parents at Felix who’s holding a black, full-face helmet. It’s clean looking, and someone added a small sticker on the side of a blue bird midflight. Little Bird.
Tears slip free as I stare at it and Amber coos, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“I don't, uh, I don’t deserve this.” I say, trying not to let my voice tremble. My eyes roam back to the bike, refusing to look at Benjamin. “Really, it’s too much for a high school graduation.”
“Nonsense.” Mom says firmly. “You’re a good boy, Aaron.” After a moment, very softly, she adds, “It’ll pass.” I nod.
“Okay, thank you.” My voice is small as I stare at the bike.
“So, do you love it?” Dad asks, excited. I laugh, wiping my face.
“Uh, yeah. It’s only the coolest bike ever made. And I would know—I’ve seen it on the road a lot.” I’m grinning.
“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Amber says. “You’re welcome, by the way. I went with Mr. Archer to pick it out.” I lean down and kiss the top of Amber’s head. “Awe, such a sensitive boy.” I flick her. “Ouch!”
“Okay!” Mom claps. “Family breakfast to celebrate. Food is ready so let's eat.”
We eat our breakfast surrounded by laughter and the smell of French toast. I’m reminded of how much I really love my family; how much I’ll miss them. I have to force tears away several times, embarrassingly enough. And I don’t look at Benjamin once. If I do, I think I might fall apart.
◆◆◆
The boys left about twenty minutes ago and I’m gathering my bag, readying to try my bike out for the first time.
“I’m leaving!” I yell and Mom comes out of the living room.
“Aaron,” She comes to me and looks at me for a moment, then to the helmet, laying a finger on the blue bird. “Did you see this?” I smile softly at her, kissing her cheek.
“Yeah, I really like it. Thanks, Mom.” She shakes her head.
“I didn’t do that.” I lean away, staring at her blankly.
“What? Then who did? Felix?”
“Bear.” My heart stops. We stare at each other for a few seconds before I speak.
“What?” My voice is so small, so scared of what she’ll say.
“He came in last night after his dinner with Felix and Drew and asked me if it would be alright if he added something to your gift. When I asked him why the bird, aside from the obvious, he said that they symbolize happiness. And,” she grins.
“He blushed before he said this next part—it was very cute.” I wait for her to continue and after a moment I shake her lightly.
“Stop torturing me, woman.” She laughs.
“He said blue birds are very territorial animals. That a male blue bird will aggressively protect his nest, and when his female bird is brooding, he’ll sit there the entire time to make sure no one touches her.” She touches my cheek. “He said that that’s the kind of man you are.”
That white hot ache in my chest, the one where some part of me used to be full, eases just a bit. My throat closes slightly as my eyes water. Mom’s staring at me sympathetically, like she knows what that means to me.
“Oh.” Is all I can say.
“Little Bird, timing is a fickle thing. I think college is going to be very good for you. And I think the space will be very good for him.” I nod, which is all I can manage. She kisses my nose and pats my cheek. “Now go. No speeding—be careful!”
I pull my bike out of the driveway, starting towards school. It’s comfortable—not much different than the ones I’ve test driven at bike shows or events. The vibrations under me are calming, the wind cooling against my skin. I use the drive, the time alone, to think.
“He said that that’s the kind of man you are.”
He said it like he admired it. Like he thinks it’s something to display, to advertise. I want to kiss him. I want him to be proud of me. Fuck, I should have looked at him this morning. I don’t want him to have space. I want him to want me.
◆◆◆
The initial track meet isn’t super packed.
There are a handful of students and a couple of supportive parents.
I spot a few college scouts looking at the senior runners.
I sit in the first row of the bleachers, watching the students stretch their legs.
Since it’s the first meet, only previous members have their uniforms, so there’s a couple students in casual Nike shorts or leggings, etc.
Felix is in his uniform, as a former member. He seeks me out, then approaches the fence in front of me.
“Hey! Thanks for coming. We start in like five minutes.” I give him an encouraging smile.
“Then knock ‘em dead.” He salutes me, before looking to my right.
“Oh, there’s Bear. Bear!” I turn my head and sure enough, Benjamin is there.
He’s wearing a flowy, white, short sleeve button up tucked into a pair of black, high-waisted, wide legged slacks.
A gold buckled belt with black leather is wrapped around his waist, holding the shirt snugly inside.
He looks like a prince. Unearthly. His hair is wild and messy, like someone's been running their hands through it all day.
His black loafers shine against the glare of the sun as he stands on his tippy toes to wave at Felix.
“What’s he so dressed up for?” I ask Felix, not looking away from where Benjamin stands.
“Nothing, I don’t think. Now that swim seasons over he’s been branching out again with his clothes.”
A hand sneaks around Benjamin's hips, palm grazing over him only to slide up his narrow waist and rest there.
Like it's familiar, like it’s normal. Benjamin looks over his shoulder and I finally notice Drew.
He looks up at him, and Drew says something that makes him laugh. All the while his hand stays.
Drew doesn’t look nearly as good as Benjamin does.
He’s wearing a pair of blue jeans with a crochet, sleeveless sweater vest. The front of the sweater is tucked into his jeans, making the rest hang around his hips.
Why did he dress like that for a track meet?
Stupid. It makes sense for Benjamin. When you look the way he does, when you’re that sweet and bright, there’s never a wrong time to look runway ready. But the rest of us? Please.
Benjamin says something to Drew who smiles slyly and nods, tugging twice on his buckle and walking away. Benjamin turns back to us and starts to walk our way.
“Nervous?” He asks when he approaches, grinning at Felix. He looks so radiant.
“Ha, as if. But I do have to run. Enjoy the show, boys.” He winks and runs off, leaving me in the most awkward silence I’ve ever sat in.
Benjamin clears his throat and hesitantly takes a seat a foot or two away from me.
I want to talk to him, for him to acknowledge me.
I want to know if he’s happy, if he’s been home, if he hates me.
I’d settle for one smile in my direction.
But because I’m a piece of shit, a selfish asshole who masquerades as a nice guy, I question him instead.
“So, you’re dating him now?” Benjamin doesn’t bother to look in my direction when he hears my voice, just stares at Felix as he stretches.
“No.” Is all he says. I watch his profile. All of that radiance is gone—there’s a slight twitch in his lips as they turn down.
I shouldn’t be so happy, but I am. Benjamin wouldn’t lie to me—he never has.
Drew has not taken him, has not won. Which means that maybe, just maybe he listened to what I said in the pool house in January.
My helmet rests in my lap, the weight of it reminding me of the blue bird as I take in his—wait.
“Did you… did you get your ears pierced?” Benjamin finally turns to look at me.
I expect to see the same empty, blank expression he’s given me since that fateful night in my bedroom, but instead, his eyes are pleading.
His lips tremble softly. He looks at me with such clear sorrow. Like I’m torturing him.
“Yes.” He whispers. The diamond studs sparkle in the sun, but I can't look away from his pained eyes.
“Button—”
“Ravi.” Benjamin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, turning and looking up at Drew who’s giving me the look of haven't you done enough? Benjamin raises his hand to take the can of soda Drew had apparently gone to get.
“Thanks. Here, sit. Felix just said he’s starting.” He pats the space right on the other side of him. Drew stares at me for a beat or two longer, then plops down.
“They didn’t have Sprite, so I just got you my favorite since you drink it a lot anyway.” Benjamin nods, cracking the can open.
“Coke is fine, thanks, Soma.” Soma? What the fuck does that mean?
What did he say Ravi was from again? Sans? I didn’t know Benjamin had given him a name as well. Felix only gets a shortened version of his name and he’s the childhood best friend for Godsake. And I’ve only ever been… Well, I’ve only ever been Aaron.
Drew takes his left shoe and, careful not to dirty his nice
pants, wraps his ankle around Benjamin's, linking them together. Benjamin doesn’t even blink. He sips his soda, turning to tell Drew something about class, laughing and smiling like I’m not even here.
I turn my attention to my baby brother, focusing only on him.
◆◆◆
“Amber, I’m going crazy.” I’m laying on her lap, looking up at her as she sits against her headboard. We needed a Benjamin free zone to talk.
“Well, you are constantly exposed to the enemy. I would be upset too.” She says, shrugging her shoulders as she eats a bag of chips.
“He won’t even have a normal conversation with me.
He said we could go back to how things were, but clearly, we didn’t.
I just…Yeah, maybe I’m possessive. But the blue bird tells me he likes that.
” I steal a chip from the bag, chewing it angrily.
“And the names? Like what the fuck does Soma even mean?” Amber grabs her phone from the bed beside her.
“What did he say Ravi came from?” She asks.
“Ugh, I don’t know. Sans or something.” She's quiet for a moment.
“Sanskrit?” I sit up.
“Yes!” She’s staring at me like she pities me. Like I’m a dumb dog who keeps returning to its abusive owner.
“Amber. What does it mean?” She sighs.
“We know Ravi basically means the sun, right?” I nod. “Soma is the moon.”
“Fuck me!” I fall back onto her lap. “He told me himself that they aren’t dating. He said so yesterday. So why the fuck do they have cryptic, cringey, couple names for each other?”
“Have you considered that maybe Bear lied to you?” I scoff, waving a hand at her.
“He may hate me, but he’s never lied to me. Never.” She stares down at me for a moment, then leans in close, a determined gleam in her eyes.
“Aaron. Anytime you need someone, I am here for you. Just like I always have been. No matter what happens. When we leave this town, things will be different. Trust me. You will move on from this whether he lied or not. I love you—being gay doesn’t change that.
” My eyes nearly pop out of my goddamn head.
That was a pretty nice speech there, until the end.
“Gay?!” She furrows her brow and stares at me for a moment.
“I thought… are you not?”
“No! I am not gay, or bi, or anything. Just straight. Normal, straight Aaron.”
“Uh huh.”
“Amber, I'm serious. Benjamin is the only guy that I have ever been attracted to. Will be the only guy I’m ever attracted to.” My heart's racing as I try to get her to understand. For the love of God, understand. She shrugs and goes back to her chips.
“Okay then.” I let out a long sigh. “Point still stands though. Everything will be okay. Eventually.”
I really don’t want to wait for eventually.