Chapter Thirteen #3
“That jerk.” He mutters and turns back to me and Amber. “Anyways, congrats guys.”
“Thanks, Cutie.” She looks at me, then back to Benjamin. “I need to find my mom. Bye!” And she’s gone—that clever siren. Benjamin looks up at me, hesitant and nervous.
Then I notice a certain figure is missing.
“Where’s Drew?” I ask.
“Oh,” he starts, scratching the back of his neck. “He doesn’t have a relative graduating or anything and it’s no secret you guys aren’t best friends, so I told him to just wait for the party or something.” My heart warms. Benjamin uninvited Drew for my comfort. He’s such a good boy.
“Does he know?” I keep my tone calm and curious. “About us, I mean.” Benjamin stares up at me, trying to find a motive most likely. When he can’t find one, he says,
“Yes. He’s the only one who does.” Well, I am no longer warm. My day is either about to get much better, or much, much worse.
“Why does he get to know, and no one else?” Benjamin takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, like he's preparing himself. He looks around, sees the families walking past, and grabs my hand.
He pulls me to the bleachers around a building nearby, but all I can focus on is the warmth of his skin. When he pulls his hand away, I realize we’re alone.
“Aaron, I was waiting to have this conversation until after today. I didn’t want to ruin it.” I can feel my face fall. I can see it in his eyes. My own destruction. I look away, look at the grass and the football posts past the bleachers.
“What is it?” I turn back to him, looking down at his big hazel eyes and his baby blue shorts.
“Well,” he swallows thickly. “I had to tell him. To make sure he didn’t think anything was still… happening.” My jaw clenches. I feel every cell in my body freeze over, crack and shatter. I feel my veins burst and joints crumble. I’m being tortured.
“Why does it matter to him if I’m fucking you or not?” There’s a hostility in my voice—I can hear it. He sighs, rubbing his forehead for a moment. Then he looks up at me, once again stern and determined. The face of deciding that he will see this through, no matter what.
“Because… because we’ve started dating.” There it is. I knew that was the case—I did. I just needed him to say it, to crush that part of me that still believed he’d never lie to me. “Are you mad?” He asks, rubbing his wrist.
“Mad?” I laugh, tossing my cap onto the bench next to us.
“Yeah, Benjamin I’m mad.” He looks so devastated.
Like he genuinely thought I’d wish him well.
“What? Did you think I would congratulate you and your little boyfriend? After you lied to me?” Benjamin's brow furrows, his mouth opening to speak, but I don’t let him.
“You know what, Button? I’ve respected your wishes and kept my hands to myself.
I’ve steered clear of you because you seem to hate me, even though it kills me.
And yeah, it may make me want to punch things when I see that guy's ugly face, but I wasn’t going to fuck it up for you.
Wasn’t going to interfere. Not with your happiness.
I would never take anything from you—not when your happiness is far more important than mine. ”
He’s crying now, tears falling, soft sniffles. I want to stop, to comfort him and apologize for being mad, for doing this to him, but I can’t. I have to say it all before I go.
“But really? Not once have I lied to you.” I move to lean down in front of him, eye level.
“I got on my knees to give the truth to you, Benjamin.” I stand back up and take a step back.
“I made myself so weak, so pathetic in front of you because you wanted the truth. And you just lie to me like it’s nothing, like I mean nothing.
I hope this guy you’ve been friends with for a couple of months is just that amazing, Benjamin, because you’re lying to the people who care about you to be—”
“Aaron.” Benjamin is trying not to sob, all clenched fists and angry eyes. “Tell me, what did I lie about?” I square my shoulders and meet his gaze.
“I asked you at Fe’s first track event if you were dating.
And then two days later, even though you said no, I couldn’t walk all the way to the track to pick up Felix because some guys were about to fuck against the swimming annex right out in the open.
” Benjamin's face flushes a deep shade of red. “I didn’t want to interrupt so I turned around, went back to my truck, and waited there. Then I sat for a long time, trying to figure out what I did for you to lie to me.”
Benjamin takes a large, shaky breath, and then walks until he’s right in front of me.
“Aaron, please listen to me.” I stare down at him, torn up and quiet. “I know it looks a certain way, and I completely understand why that would upset you. But I did not lie.”
“You—”
“Please listen.” He puts his palm to my cheek, and I swear my breath stutters.
“I told him about everything the night of the track meet because he asked. He could sense something was weird. But yes, he did ask mostly because he was interested in me. And after he told me that, I spent the night thinking about it.”
“And what did you think?” I can hear the sorrow in my voice—I know he can hear it too.
“That he’s handsome and very nice to me.
I don’t have to wonder if he wants me around—he makes sure to tell me constantly that his life is better with me in it.
I’ve spent my entire life not being worthy, not being good enough.
I’m used to people,” He swallows the lump in his throat, eyes watery as his thumb wipes one of my own fallen tears.
“I’m used to people not wanting me. The most important ones, too.
So, when he asked me out, I said yes.” I turn away from him, taking a few steps toward the field.
I can’t look at him. I can’t see those pleading eyes, can’t watch them beg me to be okay with this. To smile and nod to his perfect relationship with perfect Drew.
“Aaron,” he’s choked up. “Do you understand?” I turn back around to face him. He looks like he’s begging me, desperate. But I’m not sure what he wants anymore.
Very softly, shaking my head with a sad smile, I say, “No, Button, I don’t.”
“I told you we weren't dating at the initial track meet. Drew asked me about us that night. After we had talked. I said yes to him a day or two later—probably right around when you saw us.” It makes sense. The timing. I feel like I want to throw up.
“Okay.” That is all I can manage. I look down at the ground, his hand returning to its home on my cheek. I feel so cold, so removed that I can’t feel the warmth.
“Aaron, please. Please talk to me.” He brushes the hair off of my forehead with his other hand, soothing me.
“Benjamin, I’m sorry for assuming you lied. I honestly thought I misread something somewhere until you just confirmed you were together. I never truly thought you would lie to me.”
“I wouldn’t.” He says firmly.
“Does he know about your dad?” He shakes his head but offers no explanation. “Does he know about my graduation letter?” I’m referring to Benjamin showing me the scars I bit into his skin, him saying he didn’t mind them. He doesn’t look away from me—he knows what I mean.
“No.”
“He hasn’t asked about them?”
“Oh, we haven’t uh, gotten that far.” He flushes again.
“I suppose I’ll have to tell him then.” There’s a long moment where we stare at each other, taking in everything that's transpired in the past few minutes. “I don’t know why you think you’re some kind of monster, Aaron.
You didn’t send me to my dad’s house that morning.
I went on my own two feet. I never once blamed you.
Sure, you did some asshole shit, but you’re an eighteen-year-old boy.
I heard they do that.” He gives me a grin, wiping more of my falling tears as I gaze at him, considering the chance that I’m dreaming.
“I will miss you, Aaron,” He continues. “You’ve been with me for so long.
And now more than ever, I want you around.
” A sob leaves my throat and I close my eyes.
It feels like he’s tearing out my heart and stomping on it, then picking it back up and giving it a little kiss.
“But you’ll do great things and find your own happiness.
” He’s saying goodbye. Why is he saying goodbye?
“Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?” I ask.
“I’m not. It’s more of a see you later.” Benjamin smiles, running his thumb over one eyelid to wipe the tears off my lashes.
Then, he moves around me to grab my cap. Handing it to me, he takes a few steps toward the auditorium.
“Don’t be sad,” Benjamin says, smiling at me over his shoulder. “The world is going to love you, Little Blue Bird.”
◆◆◆
The graduation party is in full swing. Mom and Dad gave us the house for the night, probably because Amber is staying over.
They have way too much trust in that little siren.
Most of the graduating class is here—booze everywhere, lights flashing.
I don’t even know how strobe lights got in here, to be honest. Some classmates are jumping into the pool; some are stargazing on the lawn.
Other than how packed it is, I’m pretty happy with it.
Amber and I are sitting in the living room on the couch, keeping an eye on the stairs so no one uninvited messes with my shit. The tape isn’t going to stop a drunk soccer player.
“Oh, I was talking with Kayla earlier,” Amber says, fiddling with the cord still around her neck. “She said Angel is still butt hurt that Bear got her number and never called. He dismissed her twice.” I laugh, shaking my head. Benjamin, breaking hearts left and right.
“He was just trying to piss me off with that bet, I think.”
“Probably.” I take another large gulp of my drink. The buzz is delightful.
“So, what did you decide on, UA attendee?” I ask and she giggles.
“Fashion Design. What about you, guy who loves me so much he’s following me to college?” I smack her thigh.
“Oh, you know I wanted to go first. And I’m going to start as an English Literature major. I want to teach or publish. I don’t know yet.” Amber raises a brow.
“Really? You?”
“Yes, me. I’m literally in the English Lit club, you ass. And I enjoy the thought of it.” I lay my head on her shoulder. “I think this summer and college will be amazing and we’ll rule the world, my little siren. Because if not, I’ll freak the hell out.” She cackles.
“I agree, A, I agree. We should go to parties and wingman each other, since ya know, unless we’re desperate enough we seem to be best as besties.” I grin up at her.
“I thought I had amazing fingers and a great mouth? And something about my dic—”
“Alright! I didn’t say you’re bad in bed—it’s more of a personality thing.”
“Ouch, you can be so evil.” Amber looks to the left, diagonally from the couch, and her smile drops. She grabs my hand.
“Aaron.”
I raise my head and look in that direction.
Walking up the stairs is Benjamin, in his low-waisted dark blue jeans and no shirt or shoes, clearly having been in the pool though his hair isn’t wet.
Leading him is Drew—their hands interlocked.
Drew's smiling like a guy about to get laid. Well, there’s no other reason you sneak off to a bedroom during a party and Felix is staying with Kayla tonight acting as her designated driver.
So, I guess he must be. Benjamin laughs at something Drew says, then looks out across the crowd.
Déjà vu hits me hard. Back in January I was in this same situation.
I watched Angel drag Benjamin upstairs and he had paused to give me his little come and get me grin.
Then I went up there, ruined his fun and had my way with him.
Now as he looks out and his eyes find mine, he does not pause, and I wonder what he sees.
A pained expression takes over his features, one he tries to cover with a smile, but instead it just makes him look a little scared.
Benjamin gives me a small wave. His face says sorry you have to see this Aaron; sorry you know what he’s about to do to me. They disappear around the corner.
“Aaron?” Amber calls softly.
I have nothing left. I’ve cried enough—I’ve had my fair share of freak outs and break downs. Now, I just want to be let go.
I turn and look at her, at her sad eyes searching my face.
“Amber, let's get out of here.”
“What? Really? You wanna ditch your own party?”
“Yep.” She grins.
“Fuck it. Let's kick it. Are you okay to go out though? We can walk, but like, emotionally are you good to leave?” She peers at me as she stands up from the couch.
I stare at her blankly for a long moment, then decide against answering. I will not be responsible, responsive Aaron for the next few months. I did what I was asked to do, and now I’m done. The only way I can get through the next two and a half months is through dissociation.
It’s time for me to disappear.