Chapter Twenty
Benjamin
Drew and I walk into his dorm in silence. Unbearable, terrifying silence. We’re alone again—his roommate has still yet to move in. Odd.
He stands in the center of the room—absolutely still.
“Drew?” I sound uncertain, scared. “Are you okay?”
Slowly, he turns to face me. He’s pissed. I’ve never seen him like this. Not even the night I told him about what happened with Aaron after Ronnie’s last visit. I have a strong urge to back up but hold my ground, unsure if it’ll make him sad if I do.
“You… asked him not to hurt me?” Wait, what? That’s what he’s pressed about?
“Yes—why?” A cruel, sharp laugh leaves his lips. I don’t recognize his voice when he speaks.
“Am I weak, Benjamin? Could I not take a punch from Aaron? I mean, I did some damage to your piece-of-shit dad, didn’t I?” I jump like I’ve been slapped at the hatred in his words—the venom.
“Maybe we should talk about this tomorrow.”
“No. I’m fucking tired of this bullshit. I tried so hard to be around him and support your friendship because I love you and I really care for Felix. But fuck is it hard.” I can feel my own anger rising within me.
I think this is another pivotal moment of my life—happening right in front of me.
“Support? Drew—if he so much as looked my way you lost it. If allowing me to keep him in my life was support, then it was pretty shitty support.”
“Ha! Haha!” Drew is laughing like I’m crazy, like he can’t believe what I’ve said. “After what you two did—after what I put up with—I gave shitty support?” I groan—turning away from him, hands on my hips.
“How long are you going to make me live with that hanging over my head, Drew?”
“I don’t know, Benjamin—how long do I have to go on remembering that my boyfriend regrets losing his virginity to me?” His voice is mocking and mean, intentionally hurtful. I turn back toward him.
“Wow. You never intended on forgiving me, did you?” Drew stares at me for a long time, face slowly losing his anger and replacing it with a deep sorrow.
“Would you be able to if it were you?” I know it’s coming. I can feel it—you can feel these things.
All things in my life must hurt me at least once. It is Drew Ambrose’s turn. It’s the way of the world and no amount of crying and clawing against it will change the direction of my miserable path.
“I think we should break up.” There it is. I’ve been anticipating it since the day he left me in the market parking lot.
“Is that what you want?” I ask through a sudden onslaught of tears. He nods, pained, as if seeing me like this is killing him.
“I don’t know how to move past it. We’re miserable.”
I say nothing. Misery is so familiar to me, used to wrapping around me and keeping me warm, that I was willing to sit in it with him if that’s what he wanted. But it’s not—and he’s done—and once again I am standing alone at the edge of a skyscraper and it’s a vicious fall of my own making.
I know it’s selfish—I know it’s cruel—but I wish I was worth enough to him that he’d be willing to suffer right here with me. To climb up that ladder and stand on the ledge by my side. I’m a monster.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been standing here in this dorm, but Drew’s grabbing my hand, catching my attention with a sad smile.
“You should go see Felix. I really do want you to be happy, Benjamin. I hope we can reconnect someday.” He leads me out of the room and once I’m in the hall, shuts the door.
I stare at the wood—the room number. I look at my hands and flip them palm up and back down again. Over and over.
Then I’m outside on the grass and the air smells so clean here. How much of today actually happened and how much of it did I imagine? I can smell the flowers.
Just like Aaron’s pillows—his shirts, his skin. That sweet flowery scent that calms me and feels so much like home it’s almost terrifying. Could he fix this?
One blink and I’m standing in front of Aaron’s apartment door. I must have walked. I don’t feel real—not anymore. This new cycle of my life, I don’t know how to handle it.
Aaron. Have they made it home yet?
I’m standing in the living room, Aaron and Felix staring at me, mouths open in shock. I don’t remember walking in.
“Button?” Aaron calls, raising a hand to me from where he sits on the floor eating pizza with Felix. I stare at that hand.
It used to bring me so much happiness and so much pleasure. I’ve seen it grow, seen it strengthen. I was there for so many important stages of his life and I’m starting to wonder why—if I’m so important to these people—am I still so alone?
So I turn around. I can’t look anymore. The reminder of what I don’t have—that I had to hide. Drew was choosing me every day. Something not even my own parents did. Today was the last day he’d wake up and decide to want me.
“Bear.” I hear Felix. They’re still behind me, won’t move so as to not frighten me.
“Well,” what a loud sound it is when I speak. “It’s done.”
“What’s done?” I don’t know who just asked—but I’ll answer them anyway.
“Us. Drew and me. He has decided he doesn’t want me anymore. Just like Mom. Just like my dad.” It feels funny to me now—hearing it. Like an impudent child, I can’t expect the world to baby me every single time someone tosses me aside.
“You—”
“No, no. It’s okay. I can’t expect you two to pick me up every time I fall apart.
To fix it. My life is a cycle—some parts I’ll learn to take care of on my own.
I’ve grown up with you, in your home. But I’m not your family.
Not really. No need to overextend yourself.
It’s been a long day… I’m not even sure why I’ve come. Good night.”
I’m outside on the artificial grass in front of the apartments. The stars are coming out so nicely. It’s beautiful. I’m in that stage of breaking down where everything is calm and you can feel yourself on the precipice of complete rage and destruction.
I wish I would have hugged him more. He really wasn’t bad. He was just hurt. Really hurt. And I did it—I caused that hurt. There is never a completely innocent party. And if there is—it isn’t me.
“Did you walk here?” I can hear Aaron, but I don’t know where he is. I keep looking at the stars. Am I still standing?
“Yes. I think I did.”
“Benjamin—you can’t be alone right now.” I look forward and he’s in front of me. So fucking beautiful. Always has been, always will be.
“Aaron—the worst part about my mind is that every little thing I want to say is so unfair. It’s putting too much on someone else or hurting them.
Most of my thoughts are unheard. I sit here and listen to them over and over because they have nowhere else to go, and in the end all I have to offer the world around me is a pretty face. ” His skin looks so soft in this light.
“You can tell me, Button. Tell me the things you can’t say to anyone else, and I’ll hold them for you.”
He tastes so sweet at this moment—I just know it. If I pulled him against me and shoved any part of him into my mouth he would melt inside of me.
“No—my little blue bird, you can’t.” Tears have started to fall from his eyes silently. Why is he crying? “These thoughts are big and bad. Too much even for me. When this episode passes, it’ll be okay again. But please—I’m falling so far now, so close to it. Please go away.”
Blue Bird spreads his wings and takes a big step toward me. Idiot.
“What are you falling toward, baby? Tell me.” I gift him a gentle smile—one I mean—because I feel so gently for him, and so harshly. Both and neither.
“Absolute fall out.” He doesn’t understand me—no one understands me. Alone. Always so fucking alone.
“Come in. I made Felix go home. It’ll just be me.”
Silly boy. I’ll blow his whole apartment up—doesn’t he know? Does he know that I’m me? I’m freaking the fuck out. Why the fuck won’t he leave me alone?
“Do you not have fucking ears, Aaron? Are you stupid? God—no one ever fucking listens to me. Fuck!” Spotting a very kickable rock, I kick it across the grass.
“Benjamin.” I look at his stupid hot face. “Absolute fall out. It’s begun. Come inside.”
“N.O. Fuck, dude. Is the only time you listen to me when I’m naked? I’m not shy, Aaron—if that’s what it takes to get you to leave me the fuck alone, by all means!” I don’t need this fucking shirt anyway. It’s hot as fuck out here. Is it day again?
“Nope. Force it is. Sorry, baby—but I’m not letting the whole neighborhood see your cute little ass.” Grabbing me and throwing me over his shoulder, Aaron heads toward his apartment. This motherfucker.
“I am not your baby! Let me go—kidnapper! Mannapper! I don’t wanna go, you can’t make me!” I kick and punch anything I can reach. Wait a damn second. I have a mouth.
I bury my teeth into his side—dig them in, hearing his grunt of pain. Success!
Pop!
I yelp in surprise, right into his body as my teeth stay lodged. This bitch spanked me. I sink my teeth further in. I can taste his blood. God—I think I love him.
“Benjamin—remove your teeth right now.” I do not, because who the fuck is he to tell me what to do? My boyfriend? My dad?
Fuck, fuck—I have to stay angry and it’s slipping away. I unlatch and repeat the bite right next to the old one.
Swat! Damn—that one hurt so nicely.
“Benjamin! Knock it off. You’re being very bad.” Okay, that kind of hurt.
But this anger is slipping away, and I have to keep my fingers on it—have to keep it in the way of what will replace it and barricade it off. I sink my teeth in as hard as I can.
We’re inside now but jokes on him, I know how to run. Aaron throws me onto the couch, and I book it to the door. I have to get somewhere I can lash out without hurting anyone—to keep the anger flowing.
Aaron snatches me up before I reach the door, landing another hard swat on the ass that forces a grunt from my chest. Again—as soon as my feet touch the ground I’m off like a rocket. I get closer this time, but not quite.
“Knock it the fuck off, Benjamin!”