Chapter Twenty Six #2
“Cavetown.” I look over my shoulder, eyes snapping down to find hers.
“No.”
“Come on! He won’t see you—we can blend. And Fe will be devastated if you miss his first live show.” Groaning, I head to my room, plopping down on my bed—face in my pillows.
“I’ll go next time.” My voice is muffled. Benjamin used to sleep here.
“No—you’ll go tonight. I know you want to see him. To hear him.”
I lift my head to look at her. Her knowing blue eyes and gentle smile. For all the years I’ve known her—she’s the same fucking siren she’s always been.
“I won’t drink and I’m wearing a baseball cap.” Amber grins, jumping up to pull out a pair of jeans and a black shirt from my closet, throwing them at me.
“You’ll wear this. Until then—movie day!”
◆◆◆
We’re getting our IDs checked by the bouncer at Cavetown. Anyone under twenty-one gets a stamp—but they’re notoriously known for not caring either way once you get to the bar.
Amber gets herself a drink and joins me toward the back of the club.
It’s a good size but not too big. One story—plenty of chairs and tables spread around with a huge dance floor in the center.
The stage is at the very back—the bar set off to the side.
Lights flash and fog machines are triggered.
We stand at the edge of the crowded dance floor so I can see the stage better but not be close enough to be recognized under my hat.
Lights dim around us and people begin to cheer.
“Ladies and gentlemen—please welcome our newest members—Phoebe!” I look at Amber.
“Yeah, that’s them. Fe as in Felix—B for Bear. Sounds like Phoebe. Fee-bee. Get it?” She’s giggling and I must admit—it’s kind of cute.
Cammie comes out first in her tiny black dress and custom gold high-tops.
People are whistling as she spins her drumsticks and waves, taking her seat.
Felix and Drew follow her—both in black jeans and sparkly gold shirts.
Drew’s is a crew neck and Fe’s is a muscle tank.
Of course. Benjamin takes his sweet time—so by the time he walks out, the room has settled.
He looks like a star. Golden hair moving gently due to the fans—sleek black boots, glittery, baggy gold pants and a black jean jacket that stops a few inches above the waistband of his pants.
The jacket’s open and he’s got nothing underneath.
There’s gold glitter on his cheekbones and bracelets line his wrists.
But most important—more overwhelming than anything else—is the little button sitting against his chest, swaying with each step.
He still wears it.
The crowd is fucking losing it—screaming for him like Beyoncé just walked in.
He sets the mic to the correct height, checks with the others that they’re ready, and turns to the crowd.
For a moment he takes it in. The lights—the people, the mic in front of him.
Then—like the energy just won’t stay inside of him—he starts grinning.
“Hey there, we’re Phoebe. We’re a cover band and we’re really excited to perform for you guys—so shut up and listen, kay?”
“You’re so hot!” Someone from the crowd yells and Benjamin just laughs, moving back to take a quick sip of water.
“This is ‘God In Jeans’ by Ryan Beatty.”
The lights dim, casting a shadow on the stage. My heart is beating so fast I might puke.
“Do you know this song?” Amber asks me and I shake my head.
The music starts—spotlight on Felix as he plays the opening chords. The backtrack of a violin is being played over the speakers to accompany him. He looks happy and energetic. I’m glad I didn’t miss this for him.
Then the spotlight widens to include Benjamin as well. He’s standing at the mic—hands gripping the stand, eyes closed. When he sings his voice sounds like honey and burning wood—and it’s so beautiful and raw my eyes immediately start to water.
The song is pretty straightforward—his lover is his god and there’s an unstable love there, one he can’t completely rely on yet is painfully devoted to.
My stomach is in my throat. Visions of Benjamin on his knees—of him praying to me, thanking me. Telling me that he’s given his life to me.
The drums and the bass start up, lighting up the whole stage. Benjamin’s eyes open—so honest and so full of pain.
“Is this…” Amber’s voice trails off, watching the tears on my face as they fall. It is. It’s about me.
Benjamin breaks into the chorus for the second time, and I can see on his face that this isn’t a love song—it’s a plea. A plea to a god he used to know—for a safety he once had. For me.
People are yelling and clapping—watching him scream at me, watching him take all of what he felt for me and bare it to the world so he doesn’t have to carry it anymore. Not alone. I want to tell him that he’s wrong. I’m here and I’ve always loved him and I’ll love him still.
Fuck—that pain on his face. That tremble in his hands that has nothing to do with the stage or the crowd. I want to hold him—kiss it all away. Whisper into his ear until he believes me.
He concludes the song—letting the crowd scream as he stares at the ceiling—chest rising and falling. Then he turns to Felix and he grins.
“We’re Phoebe—and next up is ‘Wet Dream’ by Wet Leg.” He winks—letting the music start up around him.
It’s upbeat and seductive. He sounds like he’s telling a friend something he shouldn’t—a very dirty piece of gossip.
Chastising the audience for wanting him, for thinking of him.
His hips move so subtly, his stomach tensing and those little gold bars flash whenever the flaps of his jacket are moved far enough to the side.
“Ah, he’s getting hotter, A.” Amber says over the sound of Benjamin’s voice.
“I know.” Maybe I need that drink after all.
Someone’s screaming as he grabs the mic stand—hand in his hair, moving to the beat. He’s lost in it—this energy, this desire, this night.
The song ends and he smiles out at the crowd, dimples caving in. Everyone’s in love with him. With every pop song—even when he’s screaming into the void of his sorrow—they’re cheering. I watch their faces; I can see the infatuation. My little Button.
“That’s all, Cavetown.” Benjamin says after their rendition of "Just for Me" by PinkPantheress. “Phoebe thanks you for shutting up.” His grin is so wide I think his face might break and a bra lands at his feet. He laughs and picks it up—slingshotting it back into the crowd. Then—Phoebe disappears.
“Holy fuck.” Startled—Amber and I turn to the two girls next to us as they giggle at each other. “I think I’m in love with him. Think he’s single?”
“Jess—look at that body, his clothes. He’s hot as fuck but definitely gay.” The girl—Jess—scoffs, waving her friend off, eyes set on the stage in determination.
“That means jack. Let’s find out, hm? There he is.” Jess saunters off and I watch Amber lean over to the friend.
“Yeah—he’s more into men. My bestie here is his normal fuck.” The girl’s eyes shoot to me and I flush, shoving Amber with my elbow.
“Only a few times.” I mutter and the girl grins.
“That’s so hot.”
“Right!” Ignoring Amber and her freaky fangirl, I watch Jess approach where Benjamin is getting a free drink from the lovestruck bartender.
She taps his shoulder—tucking her hands behind her back and sticking out her breasts when he turns around and looks down at her. She is quite beautiful. Long black hair, pretty brown eyes.
“She’s using her favorite tactic. Please teach me. We find what they’re good at—request a tutor, then secure the bag.” Her friend is smiling like a proud mother, and I can’t help but respect the hustle of college women.
Jess points to the stage, leaning over to speak into Benjamin’s ear over the stereo. I see his subtle flinch—the falter in his smile. He recovers quickly, laughing at whatever she’s saying.
He says something back to her and she nods, walking back to us.
Benjamin turns back to the bar.
“So?!” Her friend asks. Jess rolls her eyes.
“Gay. This sucks—he smelled so good. And he’s prettier the closer you get. I think his tongue is pierced.” Amber chokes on her rum and Coke. I close my eyes and even consider taking a seat right here on the fucking ground.
“Fuck—sorry Jess.” She shrugs.
“He touched my shoulder, so I’ll take what I can get.” They giggle some more, rushing off to find their friends.
“It’s like he’s fucking famous.” I say, and Amber pats my shoulder.
“I told you way back when, A. He can make anyone fall in love with him.”
I watch Benjamin for a bit longer as he takes and chugs two whole drinks before turning and heading to the back.
“Ready to go?” I ask Amber, but she shakes her head—nodding behind me.
Felix appears—a big smile on his face, his black curls pulled half up behind his head.
“Aaron! You came. What did you think of Phoebe?” I hug him—relish in the way he smells, the way he laughs against me.
“You guys were amazing.” He pulls back, hands on my shoulders.
“Thanks, Bub. I’m really happy you came.” I can see in his familiar green eyes that something’s wrong but he’s smiling and nodding at me like I can’t tell.
“Fe, what’s up?” After a moment of staring at me—as if he’s wondering if he’ll bother telling me—Felix sighs.
“Bear’s pretty fucked up. Would you take him to the apartment?” You’ve got to be kidding me. He’s lost his damn mind. I can tell that he knows how ridiculous this request is.
“No.” It’s a stern response.
“Aaron! I have to take Kayla home, she’s pretty drunk too. Take him to our place—he won’t do well waking up at yours.” God—he’s talking like I already agreed.
“Felix, I said no. I’ll take Kayla.”
“Listen to me,” His eyes narrow in a way I’ve never seen directed at me before.
“You’re going to take him home.” Felix is using our eyes against me—the green that peers into your soul, sees right through you.
Almost as if he’s hand-picking through all of my and Benjamin’s moments together—reading my heart.
“Aaron—I know you love him. Stop hiding like this.”
It’s like a bucket of cold water is dumped over my head. Amber whistles lowly from beside me.
“What?”
“Don’t try to lie to me. I know you went to Drew’s dorm when we found Benjamin’s stash.” Ah, shit. “He told me. I don’t blame you—in fact, thank you. But you can’t hide it anymore. Not with the way you watch over him from afar. This is far more than a casual attraction.”
We have a grade-A Archer staring contest. Green on green—all glares and narrowed eyes. I crack. Because yeah—I love him. He lives inside of me.
“I’ll see you later.” I say to Amber. She looks like she wants to argue with me—but nods, kisses my cheek and disappears. I look at my brother. “Alright—where is he?”