Chapter Twenty Six
Aaron
Yeah—we’ve been practicing like crazy. Luckily, we all knew our instruments prior to forming the band.
” I’m holding my phone between my shoulder and ear as I make breakfast—listening to my baby brother as he chats my ear off.
“Well—I’ve been trying to teach Bear the guitar for years, you know that.
So thank God he ended up being a singer and we didn’t have to spend weeks trying to teach him the basics.
” Smiling softly at his snarky tone, I flip my omelet.
“Mhm—good thing. And you guys are already performing?” Felix yells at someone on the other end.
“Yes, yes, she is. Well—I hope you guys have fun.” It’s silent for a moment.
“You won’t come?”
I don’t know how to explain it to him. That Benjamin doesn’t want to see me—that he hates me and thinks I’m a liar all because Connor Maccy wanted to perv up the bathroom.
But fuck—it must have sounded bad. I mean, I shit-talked Connor right there, and in description he and Benjamin are very, very similar.
God—he’d looked like I ripped his heart out that morning that I confronted him.
He was so small in that moment—so fucking broken and his eyes, his eyes told me that I was the one to break him.
If I could go back to last October, I’d punch Connor Maccy in the mouth.
I’d whisper sweet nothings in Benjamin’s ear all night, forever.
I’d spend every day for the rest of my life pushing so deeply into him—connecting us in every way humanly possible, spirit and body.
But I can’t go back and back then I didn’t know.
I wasn’t aware of the nuclear bomb I was dropping.
When I heard about him and Drew, I was so pissed. First, he ditches me at a café with Felix and then he gets back with his ex? I mean—we weren’t together or anything, but I thought….
It doesn’t matter now. The point is—I was pissed. But then I hunted him down and he was… so broken.
How can I show up now? I won’t ruin this for him—not after everything he’s been through. Not when he’s using this as an outlet to heal from that night. I refuse. Even if I am innocent this time.
I may have sat through a few days of his half-lucid comedown—but that had everything to do with loving him and nothing to do with forgiveness.
Once he was back at the dorm I left him alone again. Just as he asked. And since he and Fe have moved into their apartment, I only come by when he’s not around. Can he smell me when he comes home? Sometimes I sit on his bed and breathe in the citrus—stare at all of his things. Fuck. I love him.
“No. I don’t want him to see me.” Felix sighs.
“Jesus, Aaron.”
“How is he?” I know he won’t answer—he never does.
“Ask him yourself. Bub—you’ve known him for over ten years. Just talk to him.” I take another bite of my now-cold omelet.
“I hope the show goes well, Fe.”
“Ha—thanks. Gotta go, love you.” Felix disconnects the call and I stare at my plate in silence.
It’s been nine months since we got Benjamin off of Oxycodone. I’ve seen him several times since then—he’s just never seen me. All the weight he lost during those two fucked-up weeks has returned to him—his face filling back out. His eyes returned to that beautiful shade of hazel.
But he doesn’t laugh and he doesn’t smile.
He hardly ever does. When spring semester started Benjamin was a zombie—so fucking depressed.
I was constantly worried I’d get a call or someone knocking on my front door.
But then Cammie asked Felix if he wanted to start a band since he played guitar.
At first it was only supposed to be instrumental.
Benjamin joined as the lead singer somewhere in the beginning, and once he did, he started to look a little bit better.
When I would watch him, he was always going to the studio space in the performing arts building.
Always had earphones in—humming something.
I don’t think anyone—including Benjamin himself—knew he had a talent for music.
I haven’t heard him sing yet, but I’ve been told he’s incredible.
The only downside of this cute little arrangement is Drew. He was cast as the bass guitarist once Benjamin joined. He knew how to play and wanted to keep an eye on his boyfriend—so they let him.
It makes me laugh because really? Keep an eye on your boyfriend? Sure.
I almost beat the living daylights out of Drew twice last year under the same pretense.
The first incident being when I got a call; Felix was screaming that no one could find Benjamin—that the last place he’d been seen was the night before at the party we’d gone to. The last person I’d seen him with was Drew.
Luckily—Drew was with our little search party, so he was easy to find. I think Darian could see it in my eyes when I walked up.
“Aaron—stop.” He’d grabbed my arm and as I lunged forward, almost breaking free, Josh grabbed hold of me too.
“Where is he?” Drew stared at me in shock—still in his pajamas, hair a mess. “You were with him last. Did you let him wander off alone? Where did he go?” I was seething—red coated everything. I wanted his face on the concrete.
“I… he said he needed air, so he stepped out.” This fucking idiot.
“Stepped out to where, fuckface?” Drew glared at me, brave once I was held back.
“If I knew—would we be here?” I lunged again but Josh wrapped a brutishly big arm around my chest.
“Fuck you. Did you not follow him? Let him go alone?” Drew shrugged like I was being ridiculous.
“At the time it didn’t seem that serious. He’s grown. But after about an hour I got a little nervous, so I started calling him. He didn’t answer me so after I looked around for a bit I figured he went back to the dorm and was too drunk to remember to call.”
Everyone stared at him then in absolute silence.
“Can I let him go now?” Josh asked—clearly not very happy with Drew either. Felix shook his head as Drew took a step back.
“You didn’t bother to check on him for an hour—then after a few measly calls just gave up?” The glare Drew leveled me with then was demonic—like he was finally done with my being alive and was ready to end it for me.
“I didn’t give up, Aaron. I gave him space. Something you should learn how to do—fucking stalker.”
Josh dragged me away from there kicking and screaming.
I threatened to kill him in so many different ways that I didn’t even know I was aware of.
We continued our own search and as I was at the police station about to report Benjamin missing, Felix called me.
He’d come back to the dorm looking absolutely hammered and acting like a rainbow was shoved up his ass.
And then I actually got to hit him when I found out Benjamin was on drugs. Once Felix took a shift with him at my apartment I went to Drew’s dorm and pounded on his door till it opened. Then—I shoved his little punk ass inside and connected my fist to his jaw. It’d been years in the making.
“What the fuck!?” He yelled, grabbing his face.
“How long?” Drew stared at me like I was crazy. “How long has he been on drugs?” I grabbed him by the shirt and he panicked.
“Who? Who’s been on drugs?!” I felt my entire body run cold at that moment. My eyes narrowed and my voice was so quiet I was surprised he even heard me when I said—
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I slammed him into a wall—causing him to yelp. “You couldn’t tell your boyfriend’s been fucked up?! Didn’t see it on his face? All the weight he’s losing?” Drew’s face paled then—eyes going wide.
“I just thought… I mean something has been weird but drugs? Are you sure? He’s been enthusiastic and a little twitchy but that doesn’t necce—”
“He’s coming off of Oxy at this very moment you fucking moron. For two weeks straight he’s been fucked up.” Drew covered his mouth with his hand—eyes watering. Pathetic.
“Oh God. Is he okay? What happened?” Oh—I was going to kill him.
“Have you had sex with him in the past two weeks?” He narrowed his eyes at me—suddenly irritated.
“That’s none of your business.”
“Answer or I’m shoving my foot up your ass.” He thought about it for a moment—looked like he was about to talk some more shit but then thought better of it.
“Yes.” My fist connected with the wall next to his head and he flinched—hard.
Benjamin had been raped then came home, got strung out, and pretended like nothing was wrong.
Smiled—laughed, went to classes, had sex with his boyfriend who couldn’t even bother to notice he wasn’t okay.
I can’t even imagine how panicked—how scared he must have been even with the drugs helping him appear fine, feel good.
“You are a piece of shit, Drew. For all the time I’ve known you—you’ve been a piece of fucking shit.
Jealous—angry, vindictive. I left you alone for Benjamin’s sake—but if anything happens to him—if I lose him—it’ll be your head first.” Drew stared at me for a long moment before his lips curved into a cruel grin.
“Careful Aaron—you’re starting to sound like you’re in love with my boyfriend.”
I’d punched him one more time—a solid hit to the stomach, and left him there on the floor. He was right—I was.
Now he’s in their band, a part of Benjamin’s healing journey, and I haven’t spoken to him since the last time he shivered in a cold sweat—clinging to me while he cried in my arms. It’s so unfair—so fucked, and all my fault.
I should have kept looking. When he disappeared from the last room I should have kept looking. He didn’t need space, he needed me.
I could’ve stopped her, I could have saved him. I failed. It’s my fault. The front door opens and closes—Amber strutting in like she lives here which she most certainly does not.
“Hey, babe. Ready to go out tonight?” I shake my head at her, taking my plate to the sink to wash it. She trails behind me—heels clacking obnoxiously. “Aaron—you’re coming.”
“Where, Amber? Where are you trying to take me?” I don’t sound amused and honestly, I’m not in a good mindset for partying. I haven’t been in a while.