Chapter Twenty Five
Aaron
He looks beautiful—he always does. I hear my own heartbeat as he smiles, soft and gentle to the world around him. Smooth skin—big eyes, golden hair, cheeks so pretty with his little dimples. Benjamin is grabbing himself a coffee on campus. I wait outside.
He laughs at whatever the barista says but it’s small—it’s fake. I would know. I know everything about him. Every inch of his soul—of his body. But he’s getting better. I can see it.
He’s graceful as ever as he walks toward me, two coffees in hand. I watch as he gets closer and closer, taking in the button nose and the sharp line of his jaw. His full lips.
“Here ya go.” Across the patio space is Felix and he takes the cup Benjamin offers.
“Thank youuu.” He sings. They begin to discuss class-related material and I continue to watch.
My Button. So close—so out of reach. I lower the cap I’m wearing, sink further into my seat. My laptop screen locked minutes ago. Benjamin’s eyes wander around the courtyard but I can’t read them from here—can’t tell what he’s thinking.
Does he ever think of me? Does he miss me the way I long for him? For the sound of his voice—the smell of his skin? I ache for him. My skin burns—knowing redemption is so close yet so unobtainable. He hates me. Or as close to it as one can get when they’re so intertwined.
His long fingers tap a beat onto the table. I stop breathing when his eyes move in my direction. He does not see me.
Benjamin is so beautiful, just as he always is.
Every cell, every ounce of my blood is reaching out for him—yearning for him the way a god should when their disciple has lost faith.
Gone astray—fell victim to sin. Come home to me.
I’m screaming but he doesn’t hear me. He can’t—not over the sound of what he heard in that bathroom.
He can’t see me through the pain and the betrayal.
I’m not a liar, Benjamin. I have always—and will forever—want you next to me. I belong to you.
Benjamin stands, follows Felix in the direction of what I assume is their next class. This time, I don’t follow.
Like a bird locked in a cage I watch him leave me—rooted to the ground. I cannot follow. I cannot touch or speak or be seen. A ghost of the God he used to trust. I failed again. I had him in my palm where he’s always belonged—and now he’s slipped through my fingers.
Benjamin—please forgive me. Please miss me as desperately as I miss you. I belong to you.