Chapter Twenty Four #2
“Absolutely. After our last class, yeah? Come on, Fefe.” I grab Felix and pull him toward our lecture.
They’ll keep trying to figure me out and find nothing. In the end—who wants to stop someone from being happy? God—I feel so good. No Aaron—no creepy party girl—no desire to slice myself open. Just…. bliss. I just need to keep the pills close by. That’s all. It’s just medicine.
◆◆◆
Two weeks later, I’m running back to the dorm from mine and Drew’s last lecture.
I’ll start to feel the beginnings of withdrawal soon if I don’t take more of my medicine—and I couldn’t grab them this morning with Felix on my heels the entire time.
The euphoria doesn’t necessarily last too long, so I need to take more throughout the day.
I only have around six hours before I need another.
No big deal. Just a little bit of sweating. It won’t get bad for a while—I have plenty of time. Just a pill every couple of hours. All good.
I open the door to our dorm and go straight to my wardrobe—standing on my toes and shuffling through the tub at the top blindly.
My skin feels hot and I’m light like a feather. Where are they?
Someone taps my shoulder and I spin around, jumping at the touch. Felix is standing in front of me. Where was he hiding? I smile at him—dimples and all. I’m so warm when I see him.
“Hi, baby. How was class?” He’s just staring at me. “What? Want a kiss?” He’s still not laughing. “Felix?” Another person is in the room—they clear their throat.
Aaron—sitting on Felix’s bed. My eyes settle on him, trying not to feel his presence in my bones.
“Benjamin.” He says and I flinch at the sound of his voice. I know the smile I’m sporting twists into something awkward and pained for a moment—I feel it. But the drug is still in my veins, and I still feel so good. I know I’m mad at him. So I’ll stay that way. But I still feel so good.
I turn away from him.
“Fe, why did you bring him here?” I’m not smiling, but I’m not frowning either.
Am I breathing hard? Is it hotter now? “Anyway—it doesn’t matter.
I have somewhere to be. Just need to grab something really quick.
” I turn around and shove my hands back in the tub.
I can’t see in it—so it’s all touch to find them. Come on.
“Bear—are you looking for these?” I can hear him shaking the little Ziplock—the pills smacking together. Everything around me seems to slow for a moment and I can feel my chest expand and retract.
Oh God. How do I get out of this? How do I get them back? Slowly—I come off my tippy-toes—still turned away from him. I’m aware Aaron can see the side of my face, but I don’t care. I hate him.
Think, Benjamin. Do you want to die?
“Benjamin,” Aaron calls out to me.
“Shut up.” I snap, turning my head to glare at him. But just as quickly as the anger comes it goes—and that pleasant hum surges through me. I laugh, covering my mouth with one hand and raising the other as if to calm him.
He’s staring at me like I’m something precious to him.
“Sorry about that—I really am moody today. Ah, right.” I turn around—startled when Felix has my bag of Oxycodone in his hand. Before I can think—I swipe my hand out to take it. He smacks my hand.
“Hey! No!” Felix yells, like I’m five-years-old. I huff out a small laugh.
“Did you… did you just hit me?” He looks uncertain—a little scared. I feel so good I’m starting to burn up. I need a pill—now.
“You can’t have them, Bear.” I’m rubbing at my face so he won’t catch the glare—my hands feel so good, so light. I want Aaron to touch me.
“Listen, Fe—just give them back. I don't want to play. I need them, okay?”
“Need them?!” He shouts, taking a step back—angry as his eyes water. I laugh again.
“Why are you crying?!” I throw my arms out. My mind can’t comprehend his upset. “Literally nothing is sad here! I’m happy, you’re happy—I’m sure Aaron is happy fucking his way through all of Arizona.”
“Really, Benjamin?” I grin at him.
“I truly think so—yes.”
“Why are you taking them?” My head snaps back to Felix—all fun and light gone from my body. My peace is being ripped away from me—they’re tearing me apart.
“What?” He swallows, sneaks a glance at Aaron and asks again,
“Why are you taking them?” I can feel myself twitch. I’m not sure if it’s my hands, my face, my legs— I don’t know. But I twitched that night too. I couldn’t stop it.
“Felix. I need them. Now.”
“No.”
“Goddamnit!”
“Why is it so important, Bear? It’s just drugs.” Of fucking course. I laugh at him—a little vicious.
“Ha—of course. I very frequently forget that out of all our little friends I’m the only one who knows what this feels like—to want to die.
Who can’t fucking breathe without those drugs.
You don’t get it—you never will. None of you.
Give them back to me or it’ll get bad. I’m serious. ” Felix takes a deep breath.
“If you tell me what pushed you to do Oxy, I will give them to you.” Oh, come on. I can’t catch a break. Fuck, fuck.
I clap once—loud and hard, right in front of my face. It startles everyone else but it wakes me up—gets my blood pumping and the drugs working again. It’s okay, everything’s fine. I smile.
“Alright, boys.” I look between the two of them and can’t help the little chuckle that leaves me at their concerned faces and little black curls.
Those green eyes. “My little Archer boys are always coming to rescue me—poor little Benjamin. Well poor little Benjamin couldn’t move his body.
He could only stare at the ceiling and cry and cry.
” I’m laughing but it also kind of sounds like I’m gasping for air. Aaron stands very slowly.
“What?” He whispers. I can’t look at him—can’t handle the shame I feel pouring out of me—so I find an interesting spot on the floor and smile at it.
“Mhm—oh yeah. I could feel it most of the time—up until the end. My body gave me a reprieve and turned it off. She didn’t care if I begged and when I screamed and screamed no one came for me before her hand was over my mouth and my body was lead.
Not a single person in that fucking house. GOD FUCK!”
I clap again—kick-start, deep breath. My smile returns.
“Bear—are you saying you were raped?” Felix sounds petrified and I wave a hand at him, looking up to face him.
“God, no. Seriously? You’re a man—you should be enjoying it.
That’s what she said. So I guess not. Or maybe I’m just not much of a man.
I just cried and screamed and stared and thought to myself—when will this life end?
Why does everyone want to hurt me? And no one ever came for me. No one could stop her.”
I turn to look at Aaron. He’s crying silently. Motherfucker.
Clap—breath.
“Aaron—you’re crying? Why? Was your merchandise damaged?” He’s shaking and he looks at me so sad—so distant. “I don’t get why you won’t let me be happy, but you won’t let me die either.”
“Button—” I spin, slamming my fist into the wardrobe door. The whole thing shakes—my knuckles splitting open, blood all over my hand, the door. I laugh. A frenzied, relieved laugh.
“Haa!” I look back at the others—in awe of my new accessory.
“Hah. I felt that.” I stare at the wall in front of me—between the two of them.
After a moment I speak again. “I remember what she smelled like—the color of her underwear. I remember leaving Drew to go get some air and then she found me. I think she drugged me. She told me her favorite thing about college boys is it doesn’t matter how fucked up they are—they’ll get it up. ”
I’m laughing again, but I’m also crying which is weird. I haven’t cried since I started my medicine.
“And guys—I did. I kept wanting to throw up but I was scared I would choke on it. I was scared that if she forced me to come that it would hurt. I was actually scared of dying. For the very first time. And I was terrified of that little girl. My skin didn’t feel like my own anymore. God—I need out of this body.” Clap!
My eyes bounce between the two of them and they’re pleading—begging at least one of them to understand. Understand that I know what happened—what my body said—but I didn’t want it.
“Bear, we need to report it.”
“Yeah? Hey, officer! I was underage drinking when a girl half my size drugged me—a grown man—and forced me to have sex with her. Help me! By the way, it’s been two weeks and I have no idea what she looks like.
” I give him a blank stare. “Think that’s gonna work, Fe?
If this happened to you, would you not feel embarrassed?
Small? Pathetic? Worse than it being that she was a girl—or that I cried and screamed—is that I always do that. ”
I run a finger over my bloody knuckles, look at the blood on the door. I look down at my own body—is it mine anymore?
“I always… end up on that end. With Dad, with that guy outside of the arts building, at the party. I’m always—” I sigh, slumping back against the wardrobe. “Such a scared little boy.”
“Bear—listen. It’s not your fault. And no one needs to know, okay? We’ll help you through this and then you’ll feel better.”
I’m just staring at him because he doesn’t understand that these things aren’t just “worked through.” I’m fucked and I have no choice now but to play by his rules.
“You’re not giving those back—are you?” I ask him, already knowing his answer. He shakes his head. “Yeah, figured. Better prepare then. I haven’t been sober since the morning after. Shit’s about to get real fuckin’ bad.”
Slowly, I slide to the floor, and I don’t fight him when Aaron comes and pulls me against him.
There are parts I don’t remember. He holds me through most of what I do. When I’m crying and throwing up. When my temperature skyrockets and he sits with me in a cold shower fully clothed. At some point we end up at his apartment.
Felix comes by and force-feeds me bread—crying by my side and watching me when I actually do get to sleep. But most of the time I’m awake, staring at the floor.
The Archer boys share the responsibility of my withdrawals and that guilt makes sure to wedge itself deep within my heart.
“Want to know what kept circling my mind while I laid there and cried after she left?” Aaron’s brushing his fingers through my hair, sitting in front of me on his bed.
“Hm?”
“Worthless whore.”
“Benjamin—no.” He grabs me, cradling me in his lap and I begin to sob again. And of course the sobbing fucks with my already finicky body and I need to throw up—so he rubs my back as I do.
When I’ve been here for what might be one day or three, it’s time to shower. But a “clothes off” shower. I haven’t gotten fully naked since that night—not sober.
In his bathroom Aaron pulls my shirt off gently—and as he hooks a finger into the sweatpants I’m wearing I tug at his sleeve.
“Benjamin?”
“Aaron—I...” I can’t look at him—can’t face the embarrassment—so I stare at his chest. “I can’t do it.”
“Huh? Do what?” He pushes the hair off of my forehead but doesn’t make me look at him.
“I haven’t—um—been naked. Sober. Since then. And I can’t do it. I don’t want to see.”
“Fuck.” It’s so soft and sad—just barely audible. He pulls me against him and just holds me. Let’s me stay there until I stop shivering. “Can you… could you do it blindfolded?” I meet his eyes—look at him for a long moment and yes. I could. I could let Aaron blindfold me and fix it. Only him.
So, he wraps a necktie around my eyes and resumes taking my clothes off. The sweats are gone—he’s touching my briefs.
“Wait—please wait.” He freezes. I can’t see myself exposed to the world, but I need to know it’s him I’m so defenseless to and no one else. “I… just please talk… so I know it’s you.” Aaron rests his forehead on my thigh for a moment.
“Well—there was a time back in 2017 when I first started to feel… sexually attracted to you. And it scared me, but I thought about it all the time—so I would avoid you at all costs. And your dumbass would just run right up to me. Aaron this—Aaron that. Like my own personal purgatory.” This startles a laugh out of me.
“I used to wonder if maybe you knew—if maybe you were playing with me because you knew you could.”
“Really? That’s ridiculous—how could I have known?”
“It was—but what did I know? I was just a dumb kid.” I can hear the smile in his voice as he pets my head. “Ready to shower?”
“Wait—you’re done? I’m fully naked right now?” I didn’t notice my feet leave the floor over the soft brush of his fingertips.
“Yes.” Suddenly I can feel my heart in my throat—my whole body trembles.
I know it’s in my head—I know. But now my defenses are down and I’m all exposed. My armor’s all gone and fuck—maybe I can’t do this after all.
“Ah, okay. Uh… Aaron, maybe—” Aaron’s hands slip around me—trailing up my spine and into my hair at the base of my neck. My hands fall onto his biceps when he pulls me against him.
“It’s okay, Button. I’ll do everything. You just listen to my voice and feel my touch, okay? You’re safe here—here with me.” Ahh. Okay. His touch—his voice. I can handle that.
“Okay.” I whisper.
Aaron talks me through the shower—telling me about memories from when we were growing up or stuff he did his first year of college. I let my mind feel his hands all over me—let my mind imagine him doing it. And God do I hate him—but I think maybe I really am still in love with him. How fucked.
When I’m out and dressed, Aaron removes the tie. It looks like he’s been crying.
“Aaron?”
“Hm?”
“I want to hate you so badly. You’re a mean liar.” He frowns, pressing his forehead to mine.
“I know, baby.” His lips touch my nose softly.
“I just want to stop hurting. I think I’d do anything just to stop this hurting.”
It still feels as if the worst of the comedown is yet to come—but the Archer boys don’t leave me alone.