Chapter Twenty Four
Benjamin
The Greek-life party is definitely more intense than the others I’ve seen.
There are so many rooms here that I keep getting lost—someone is always shoving a wine bag in my face, and it’s packed.
But I needed a distraction—to feel nothing.
I know my friends are somewhere around here, but I hide as best I can. I know if I see them, I’ll see him.
I’m definitely pretty buzzed already. Drew said he’s grabbing us more drinks, but I might duck out of this room altogether. I’m pretty sure Aaron’s been following me from room to room, so I grab my cup off the table and slip out.
Next door is beer pong, and it doesn’t take Drew more than five minutes to find me.
“Hey? You moved.” He yells over the music—handing me a new drink as I slide the old cup under it.
“Yeah—I saw Aaron, so I ran.” Drew gives me a sympathetic smile and kisses me softly.
“I’m sorry, Ben. I know you really thought well of him.” I just shrug. I’m not playing the silent savior game with him tonight. I take a long drink of my punch.
The lights are incredibly bright, and the room is terribly loud as Drew plays a game of beer pong with some guys I don’t know.
I wish I could interact, wish I could let go. But Aaron won’t leave my mind—that fucking bathroom follows me everywhere.
“If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
I need air.
“I’m going to get some air!” I yell in Drew’s ear, and he gives me a smile and a quick thumbs-up.
In the hallway I push through bodies—trying to find an exit. But with every step I take my body becomes heavier and heavier. The world around me is a lava lamp and I can feel my pulse everywhere. Was I always this drunk? Ah, fuck. Where was I running to? I’ll just lean on this wall for a minute.
I can see the faces of students all around me—the flirtatious smiles, the disinterested eyes as I hold myself up. My lips are tingling—I touch them with my fingertips, but I can’t register the feeling.
“Hey, hun, are you okay?” I lift my eyes and try to focus. A girl—she looks like she could be one of the sorority girls who live here but I’m not too sure.
“Yep—just drunk.” I play it off, but my tongue feels heavy.
“Do you want to lay down?” Yes—sleep. Her soft hand is on my bare bicep and it’s calming the racing of my pulse. The open-sided tank I’m wearing is not offering me relief from this heat in here and my pants are so fucking tight for some reason.
“Yeah, that’s cool.” The sorority girl leads me down a hall to somewhere else and then we might turn or we don’t—I don’t know.
There might have been stairs. Then I’m laying on the softest bed ever made.
I groan. “Thanks. Life saver.” She giggles.
I’m drifting—watching the colors behind my eyes dance. Drew’s gonna be pissed.
I feel bad, because I don’t care. At this moment I’m just happy Aaron can’t find me.
There’s a weight on me and when I open my eyes the girl is on my lap—staring down at me. I laugh.
“Yeah, girl, I came with my boyfriend so it’s not gonna happen.” She laughs right back at me and starts to kiss my stomach. “Hey—stop that.” But I can’t lift my arms very well.
Actually—my body is so unbearably heavy now that I can barely move at all. With much difficulty I lift an arm—bringing it to her stomach, trying to push—but I can’t. I have no strength. She grabs that hand and places it on her breast.
“Come on, hottie. Let’s just fuck.”
“What did you do to me?” I slur—trying to get a good look at her face but it just isn’t registering. She giggles.
“Just a pill, no biggie. After I come, you’ll fall right to sleep and go home tomorrow!” She’s pushing my shirt up to expose all of my stomach and chest—touching my piercings with her manicured nails.
“Please stop.” I beg her. Bile is rising in my throat—threatening to choke me. I can feel her hands and my skin is crawling. I wish I could just fall asleep. She opens my pants.
“The best thing about college guys is that it doesn’t matter how fucked up they are.
If you get to touching them—they pop right up.
” I can see her grin. She has a lip ring.
Her hand reaches into my underwear and every nerve in my body panics, sending pure terror coursing through me.
At this moment—I’m terrified of this little girl.
“Please—please don’t. I’m begging you.” Her hand wraps around my soft dick. She starts to massage it and I can feel it. The bodily reaction. I’m getting hard. I’m crying.
“I like the ones who whimper and beg.” She purrs, pulling me out of my jeans. “Damn—you’re big.” She’s taking off her underwear and pulling her skirt up around her waist.
“Don’t do this to me. Please.” I’m sobbing now and I can’t move my body at all. All I can do is watch her—feel her, and cry.
There are so many people outside—so many random stragglers and people who know me. Drew! He’ll be searching for me anytime now. And Aaron—he’s been watching me all night, surely he saw us come in here, right? They’ll get here. One of them will get here before—
“Ahhh,” She sighs, sinking down onto me. Spikes of pleasure shoot through me—immediately turning into nausea. I gag through a sob. She’s going up and down and up and down. The constant sensation has me so close to actually hurling. But I can’t move and with how I’m laying I’ll choke on it.
So, I fight back the vomit and stick to the only thing I can do. Begging.
“I hate this. Please—I don’t want this. Let me go.” She picks up her pace, not paying me any mind. “You’re a fucking monster.” I’m sobbing so loudly—why is no one coming? I scream at the top of my lungs. “HELP! HELP ME!” Her hand smacks over my mouth.
“Seriously? Fuck—just enjoy it. Are you a man or not?” My body is twitching—reacting to her movements, getting closer and closer. I can feel it building. I think if I come like this, it’ll hurt so bad I’ll pass out—I’ll die.
“Stop—please, please, please.” But no one can hear me under her palm.
I stare at the ceiling. I can’t watch anymore. I just stare and cry and cry and stare.
I’m not sure how much time is passing—at some point I stop feeling the sensations, my body going numb. The only way I can tell if she’s touching me is by looking.
“All things in my life must hurt me at least once.” I whisper to the ceiling. She’s removed her hand—she’s sensed I have no more fight in me. The bed is squeaking so loud, so angrily as she grinds on my dick like her life depends on it. “Soon Benjamin. It’ll all be over soon.”
It’s a promise and a threat. I’m done. So done.
The girl suddenly moans loudly—twitching and grinding awkwardly. Then after a few deep breaths she gets off of me. My dick is still hard, which is good. I’m relieved I didn’t finish in her. She grabs a towel and wipes me down—putting me back in my pants.
“Thanks for tonight, baby. Run along home when you wake up. I’m not sure whose room this is—so you might be sharing. Good night!” She disappears like she was never here.
I stare at the ceiling and cry. Stare and cry and cry and stare.
Worthless whore.
I can’t wait to die.
◆◆◆
I don’t know how I left the house but it’s Wednesday and I’m on a bench somewhere on campus. I don’t know how I look—I don’t know what I’m doing here. But I do have an idea on what to do next.
I pull out my phone and dial.
“Hello?”
“Alex—hey man! Do you know where I can get some weed?” Alex laughs—startled by the abrupt question. I wish he’d hurry.
“Sure man, I’ll send you his address. You wanna—”
“Thanks so much—a life saver. I’ll get your next coffee
okay?” I hang up. I wait and wait—foot tapping. In my mind she’s there, and my wrist itches and it’s so fucking loud again. I get a text—a number.
Thirty minutes later I’m in some guy named Mad Dog’s apartment. He’s going through his weed stash but I’m not really here for that.
“Hey man—” I start. “Do you have anything stronger?”
A slow grin breaks out onto his face as he asks, “How strong ya lookin’ for?”
I don’t know too much about opioids—but I do know Oxycodone is a pill that when taken every few hours—it can keep me calm and happy.
They are a decent choice to keep my mind and the memories at bay—to keep me alive long enough to graduate and finish what I need to.
The price was ridiculous, but I’d been saving at the Archer house so it’s fine.
I take a pill dry and tuck the rest into my pocket. I’m hungover and my stomach is empty. They’ll kick in fast.
Felix is at the dorm when I get home an hour or two later.
“Hey! No one’s been able to find you. Are you okay?”
“What? Me? Yeah?” I can’t tell how wide I’m smiling—if it’s soft and lazy or wide and manic—but I feel really good and I know I’m running from it, but I can’t find it in me to be concerned. I get it now—why people do drugs. I think I’ll really like this.
“Um, okay… Well, you’ve missed a class already. Let’s go to Algebra.”
Like a good boy I grab my bag—my skin buzzing with sunlight.
“Benjamin.”
“Yes?” I smile at him. I love my best friend. I hate it when he looks like Aaron.
“Are you… Are you drunk?” Actually—no. I shake my head, patting his bicep.
“Nah—just decided I’m not letting the world beat me up anymore—that’s all.” Felix is giving me a cautious look, but has nothing more to say, so we begin our walk. The pills are burning a hole in my pocket.
“Ben!” Drew appears in front of us as we’re leaving the dorm building. “Where did you go? I waited for like an hour and you never called me back.”
“I’m sorry.” I try my best to give him my most sincere, apologetic Bear face.
I feel so damn good that I forgive him for leaving me.
I’ll tell him. “I am. And I forgive you for leaving me that night at the market. Now we really can be together.” I’m grinning at him, but he’s staring at Felix.
They’re having a silent conversation—trying to figure me out.
“Okay… no worries. Thanks, Benjamin. Wanna hang out later?” Sex on pain pills would feel amazing.