Chapter Twenty Three #2
“Right… Thanks.” I say awkwardly—turning to look at the wall behind me. Nothing interesting. Only a smiling Aaron who is sitting on my left.
“Well hell.” Darian says. “Everyone else witness that murder?” Several agreements go around the table. Murder? I’m losing traction in this hangout session fast. I lean over to Aaron.
“Aaron—what are they talking about? I think I missed something?”
The whole table bursts into loud, obnoxious laughter that makes me jump in my seat. I have to look like a terrified little cat when I turn to look at Aaron. He gives me a soft grin—all sweet green eyes and silky black curls—and rubs my cheek with his thumb.
“They’re dumb. Ignore them.” Okay—they’re definitely laughing at me. My eyes narrow on him.
“No.” His smile drops and a brow raises, head tilted just slightly.
“I mean—okay.” My pulse is so rapid right now I’m convinced anyone can look at my throat and see the thumping.
Aaron’s grin comes back to his full lips, and because I worship him the way sunflowers follow the sun—I smile right back.
“Oh! There’s a party tomorrow night in one of the sorority houses. Wanna go? Not Halloween-related.” Darian asks everyone—sweet brown eyes bouncing from person to person.
“Sure.” I shrug.
“Yeah, alright.” Josh says. Mostly everyone agrees—aside from Felix and Kayla who have preplanned things to do.
“Word. I’ll send the address to the group chat. Now—should we order some drinks and pretend to study for a while?”
As everyone stands to go and order Aaron grabs my hand—pulling me back into my chair.
“Oof—hey. What’s up?” I ask him—startled. Aaron reaches and starts to play with my button where it dangles, never taking his eyes off mine.
“Greek-life parties are a lot crazier than regular parties.” He starts. “I want you to have fun and be yourself obviously—but please make sure you can see one of us at all times—got it?” There’s a bit of force in that got it that makes the room a bit hotter.
“Yeah. Got it.” The right side of his lips tilts up.
“Aw, good boy.” I flush straight down to my fucking toes. I open my mouth to bitch at him because that’s insanely inappropriate for the setting—but I have nothing to say—not really. So, I shut it right back. “What do you want to drink?”
I give Aaron my order and he walks away, leaving me alone at the table. I’m fine guarding our belongings. If I stand now—my running shorts won’t hide what Aaron does to me.
◆◆◆
Two hours later we’re all outside of Brews saying our goodbyes. Felix wants us to go back to Aaron’s to watch the new superhero movie he’s excited about, and I never turn down a chance to be around him, so I agree.
“Let me use the bathroom then we’ll go.” Aaron heads back into the café and we take a seat on one of the benches.
“Are you sad?” I turn to look at Fe as he tries to read my eyes. “About Drew—I mean.” I take a moment to truly think about it. Am I upset about Drew?
I’m upset I’ve been left again. That I hurt somebody—found out I’m not as good of a person as I once thought. I’m disappointed that he didn’t think I was worthy anymore. I’m sad it didn’t work out, because he really was a nice guy in a hard situation. So yeah—I’d say I’m sad.
“Yeah—I am.” Felix nods.
“Do you think you’ll get back together?” This makes me chuckle a bit.
“I doubt he’ll even talk to me again.” There’s a pain in my chest—the one that remembers how things were before we dated.
No memories. Where’s Aaron? If I find him in the bathroom, would he give me a kiss?
“I’ll go find Aaron.” I jump up and head to the entrance.
“Uh, okay.” Felix calls after me.
Aaron makes everything better—he can fix this and me. He promised. He’s promised me so much. I’m starting to feel a bit of hope. And nothing’s worse than hope—I would know better than anyone.
I shove open the heavy door to the communal men’s bathroom and look around for a moment, trying to gauge if other customers are in here.
I hear voices:
“You didn’t like it, baby?” It’s a soft, high voice. Tone seductive. Oof—not in public guys! Like I’m any better.
“No—I didn’t.” My blood runs cold. “It was an experiment, I’ve already told you.” He sounds like he’s trying to get this guy to understand—like he’s been trying and this isn’t the first time they’ve been here. Like it’s important that he knows.
“But I’m—”
“I don’t like the blonde hair and brown eyes look. The dressing girly—the constant flirting. All of it turns me off.”
I turn my head to the left and see myself in the mirror of the sink through rising tears. He just described me perfectly.
“I wanted to get off—and I did. If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
“If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
I hear the guy laugh.
“Aaron—don’t touch—” I’m out of the bathroom. I can’t hear it. Not today—not ever.
I burst out the front of the café, startling Felix who jumps up when he sees me.
“Bear?! What the fuck happened?” I’m panicking—I can feel it. I have to go.
“Don’t let him follow me.”
I grab my bag and I run. I’m running so fast that I can’t see the faces of the people I pass. I don’t keep track of where I go.
“If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
“...We’re connected, Button. We can’t live without each other now.”
All things in my life must hurt me at least once.
I knew that. I’ve been repeating that for years—making sure I knew, making sure I wouldn’t get caught up and surprised.
But he got me. He really had me convinced.
Maybe it was stupid to think he had romantic feelings for me—but an experiment?
I turned him off? I didn’t turn him off the first—second, third, or fourth time.
What gives?! Motherfucker!! I sprint faster.
“If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
“I know you, Benjamin. All of you—inside and out. Mental and physical. I’m going to claim it all—make it all feel like mine when I come this deep inside of you. You take me so well, baby.”
I’ve been here before—haven’t I? Exactly right here—in this moment. Tortured by the things he said—the way he felt. In two years—will he get me again? Is this the pattern I am now seeing?
“Aaron—please don’t hurt me.”
“Never. Never.”
Aaron is such a beautiful liar. I didn’t know that after a god saves you, he can kill you again. And again. And again. I didn’t know him having my life in his hands meant he’d go for the kill.
I finally stop running. I’ve made it to a random neighborhood park, so I sit in the woodchips and stare at the now-setting sun.
I moved away from Ronnie and thought a whole new life could be made for me.
That I could start over—fix it. I cannot.
I might as well crawl back home and take the beatings.
It would feel better than this hot fucking pain—this ache.
My wrist itches so bad. So fucking bad. I want to see my blood and know it’s there. I can bottle it up and give it to Aaron since he loves ripping me open so much.
I’m done. No more medicine—no more dreaming. I can go through motions. I can fake a smile. And one day it’ll be over.
The walk back to the dorm is calm and quiet and it’s dark by the time I’m walking onto our floor. Drew is standing at the door.
“Benjamin?! Are you okay? What happened?” I’m not sure how I look but it’s definitely not my best.
“I went for a long run.” It’s not technically a lie. Drew sighs—taking my hand in his and kissing it gently.
“Ben—give me another chance.” My eyes widen, mouth dropping open.
“What?”
“I needed to speak to a therapist. About the Aaron stuff. We worked through the beginning, and I’ll keep going. But I don’t want to lose you. I gave you another chance once—can’t you do the same?” Therapy?
He’s not wrong. He gave me another chance. And he’s trying to change. But my heart is caught up on Aaron. Maybe this is what I need. Remind myself what a normal relationship is like.
“Okay, Drew. I’ll give you another chance. But let’s talk tomorrow—I’m exhausted.” Drew smiles down at me, big blue eyes and soft brown hair. He kisses my head.
“Of course. Good night—I’ll call in the morning.” I watch him call the elevator, then enter the dorm.
Felix is standing there—eyes wide, hands clasped in front of him.
“Hear all that?” I ask, moving to drop my bag.
“Yeah.” His voice sounds rough—like he hasn’t talked in a long time.
“That’s good. I’m taking a shower and going to bed. Good night, Fe.”
“Bear, are you—”
“No—I’m not okay. But what can you do? Shit happens.”
◆◆◆
The next morning, I agree to be Drew’s boyfriend again—accepting his apology. I don’t tell him about Aaron. We eat breakfast together and then he heads to class. It’s the best I can give him right now—the best I can do.
I’m standing in the grass outside of the cafeteria, letting the sun warm my face as I tilt it up to the sky. Breathing.
“Benjamin.” Aaron.
“Get away from me.”
“Benjamin.”
“Fuck you.” I look at him standing in front of me. He doesn’t look much better than I do. Red eyes—fucked hair, sweatpants and a rumpled shirt. I guess his boyfriend didn’t believe him. Good.
“Why?”
“What?!” I turn around and walk away. He gets in front of me again—stopping me. “Leave me alone.” I sneer.
“Why are you dating Drew again?” Okay—not what I thought he was going to ask, but I also don’t care what he wants to hear or what hurts his feelings.
“Why do you care?” His eyes narrow.
“You know why.” I quite literally laugh at him.
“What, because you own me now? News flash Aaron—you can own something all day long while it’s used by someone else.” The pure, unfiltered rage in his eyes is actually a little scary. I turn away and head in a different direction, but he just blocks me again. “Fucker!”
“Benjamin—you’re making this really hard for me right now.”
Aw, fuck. My sweet rage starts to slip into painful sorrow. He’s so mean. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes—slipping free. He reaches for me, but I take a step back.
“I lied.” I tell him. “You are mean to me. You’re such a fucking liar, Aaron. I wish I could hate you. I wish you wouldn’t have touched me if this is what I was going to feel in the end.”
“Button—”
“No! I don’t want to hear that. Don’t call me that. I’m not your Button anymore—and I’m not your baby either.” He takes a step back as if I’ve shoved him—eyes wide, tears gathering.
“You don’t mean that.” He’s so certain. So fucking confident. “You can’t.”
“All things in my life must hurt me at least once. I asked you not to hurt me.” I pause—giving him time to speak, but he doesn’t. “Never. Never…. Fucking liar. Was it fun? Watching me beg you to want me?”
“Benjamin—you never have to beg me to want you.” I scoff. He has the gall to look hurt.
“Yet I did. Several times. Wanna know why I said yes to Drew? At least he’s wanted me.”
“Fuck, I have always wan—”
“I swear to fucking God Aaron—if that leaves your mouth I’ll hit you. I’m not stupid. I’m not some kid anymore. If you had ever wanted me, you would have told me. Actually? What was it again? If I had any intentions, I would have said so long ago.”
Aaron’s eyes fill with recognition—growing in size as he starts to panic.
“Wait—it’s not at all what you think. That was a guy I used to fuck—” A sob leaves me. I don’t mean for it to—but come on. Really?
“Don’t talk to me again, Aaron. Please.” This time when I turn and walk away—he doesn’t follow.