Chapter Thirty #3
I pound into him repeatedly—angling right where he wants it—watching his dick harden until it's bouncing with every thrust. He’s moaning like he’s feeling pleasure for the first time and maybe after all the time we’ve spent apart this feels like his first time again.
His eyes are hardly open—just barely able to peek out and stare at my chest—or maybe the blue bird. He’s trembling so badly it’s possible he’ll break; his hair matted to his forehead and his face the expression of pure ecstasy. And I’m doing that to him. Aw, fuck. I’m close.
I slam into him hard—gripping his hips with such force I know it’ll bruise.
“One more time, Button. Come on it one more time. I need it. I need it so badly.” He’s arching again, whining and clawing at my hands. “I can feel it—I can feel you about to come, baby. It’s gonna feel so good. Fuck—yes—you’re squeezing so tight.”
“I-I I think I’m gonna come.” He cries, trying to look at me but failing as his eyes unfocus.
“That’s right, baby. Come on me. Offer it to me—praise your God.”
“Fuck, thank you—thank you.” He’s coming so hard—squeezing me so tight it almost hurts. I put an arm under him and snatch him up, sitting back on my heels. “Aaron—aw fuck—oh God.”
I think he might still be coming when I have him sitting on my dick—feet on the bed. With one arm around his waist and the other up his back and clasped over his shoulder I fuck up into him. Hard—fast, needy. I can hear how I sound—how out of control and desperate I am. I just can’t stop it.
“Benjamin… Please… Fuck—you feel so good—never leave me again… You’re so tight, I want to be deeper in you.
Ughh ah… I love you so much, baby—so fucking much.
” Now that I’ve let myself confess, I can’t seem to stop telling him.
Benjamin has his arms over my shoulders, head resting there.
“I can’t… Hnghh… I can’t be without you again. ”
He pulls back enough to see me—watching my face as I pant—as I thrust into him like I’ll die without it. Sweat rolls down my face, my eyes half open as I stare back at him.
“I don’t deserve you.” He says, brushing the sweat from my face as I moan into his hand. “I don’t deserve you, but I love you so much that I’m selfish enough to take you anyway.”
“Ahhh—ughh… baby…”
“Come in me, Aaron.” I can feel my balls tightening—I can feel the pleasure coiling tighter and tighter.
I move my hand to hold the back of his neck.
Grip him to keep him in place—feel the raised skin of my scar.
I’m looking at his face, watching every little twitch.
He’s overstimulated—taking it over and over and still he clings to me—squeezes me tighter.
He places a hand over the spot between his hips and presses onto it, groaning.
“Aaron, come in me. You’re so deep—come this deep in me.”
“Ughhh… Benjamin…”
I’m coming so hard I think I might be passing out. Benjamin’s talking me through it—telling me he loves me and that it’s okay. I fuck into him until my vision comes back, until I can see his face. He’s smiling at me like he’s proud, like he’s so fucking happy.
“Hi.” He says and it’s making me smile—his softness. Only—I’ve barely slept or eaten and just fucked the life out of myself—so I’m genuinely passing out.
“Hi, baby.” Then my vision is gone and I’m out.
◆◆◆
I can smell him—this I know. The soft citrus, the way the air around him feels warm like he’s a walking drop of sunlight. I can feel his hands in my hair—I can hear the hum of his voice as he sings. I think my head might be on his lap.
But there is a chance this is a dream. That him being here in the first place was all an elaborate dreamscape my mind created due to the pain and the exhaustion. How long have I been asleep?
His soft fingers are brushing my face, my eyebrows, then back to my hair again. I’ll just listen then. Live here a bit longer. He begins to quietly sing a new song—the vibration of his voice moving through me. I recognize it— "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls.
I open my eyes—I have to know. Is this real? How much torture can I take? But when I open them, I’m staring at my own black T-shirt. Pain strikes through me, suffocates me, makes me fucking sick with its grip around my hea—
“Little Blue Bird.” My head snaps up. My own shirt on Benjamin’s body. His fingers push back my hair again. “Hi.”
The sigh of relief that leaves me is ridiculous and embarrassing—but whatever. He’s leaning against the headboard, resting my head on his crossed legs. Smiling down at me like he’s done this a million times and isn’t worried he won’t have the chance again.
“Hi, Button.” Leaning down, Benjamin kisses me softly. Then my forehead—nose, both eyelids, the top of my head. “I’m scared I’ll wake up at any second.” He chuckles.
“If you do—then I’ll follow you there too. If this world isn’t real, we can find one that is.” I roll off of his lap and then grab him, pulling him to lay on top of me as he giggles.
“Ah, Benjamin. What time is it anyway?”
“7 A.M.”
“What?!” I slept through the entire night, leaving him to fend for himself.
“Yep. I went ahead and showered and cleaned you up a bit. I ate a snack because I was starving. Then I just came in here and slept with you.” Of course he would. Of course he would just exist so easily in my space—the space meant for him anyway.
“Making yourself at home, huh?” I look down to where his chin is resting on my chest to stare up at me—hazel eyes so clear, so alert.
“Duh. I’ll be here a lot anyway. Might as well.”
Flipping him under me, I study his face. Benjamin looks happy. Now that I can actually focus on literally anything—I can see how bright he is. Even his hair looks brighter. I swear I’ve seen at least two sun smiles since he got here. He looks… happy.
“Is that right?” He’s giggling, trying to get his trapped hands from under where I’ve propped on my elbows around him.
“How else will you make me come all the time?” My eyes widen at the sudden comment. Vulgar and a seemingly completely legitimate answer.
“You little demon.” I’m tickling him—watching his face get red as he laughs, kicking his feet behind me. “You trying to go right now? Is that it?”
“Help! I’m dying!” He’s laughing so hard he’s gasping for breath. Finally, I cease my tickles. “Ugh—you animal.” Benjamin glares at me.
“Yeah? Let’s see how much of an animal I can be.” I slide my arm under him—sneaking it down to grab his ass. He’s giggling again as I kiss him, sliding his tongue into my mouth, rubbing that little ball along the roof. “Mmmm.” I push his hips up into mine. He pulls away.
“But seriously Aaron—you need to eat.” My eyes narrow.
“What do you mean?”
“Your fridge is empty—no dishes are drying or dirty, and you passed out after fucking me.” Alright—he’s got me there. I roll off of him, heading to the bathroom. “Where are you going?”
“Shower?” I grab a towel out of the closet.
“Me too!” I grab two.
The shower takes a minute to heat up so I turn it on and brush my teeth. Benjamin watches me. When I finish, he stays there, waiting.
“What?”
“I’m waiting for you to undress me.” This fucking demon. “They are your clothes after all.” Benjamin shrugs, leaning his back against the closed door in my shirt and my briefs.
“Okay—I like you most when you’re naked anyway.”
“You pervert.” He’s grinning at me as I pull his shirt off, letting me kiss his neck, his chest, his stomach.
“Benjamin—when I came to get you at the club on your debut night.” He nods. “It took every ounce of self-control I had to not touch you here.” I drag my tongue from one hip to the other, listening to his breath hitch, hand in my hair. My briefs are tenting from where they sit on his body.
“Well, aren’t you so lucky then.” When I give him a confused look—pulling the underwear off so he can step out of them—he continues. “No longer needing all that pesky self-control.”
His dicks in my mouth before he can stop me. I swallow him down—groaning at the taste of his skin, the bead of precum forming—the smell of my own laundry detergent.
Benjamin’s moaning, head thrown back against the door, palms flat on the wood.
“Aaron, fuck. You need… fuck. You need to eat—come on.” He’s trying to pull me off of him but no way in hell is he getting out of here without coming in my mouth. I pull off of him just enough to speak.
“I am eating. Leave me alone.” I swallow him down to the back of my throat.
“Aaron—God—fuck.” His hands thread into my hair, his hips bucking up. I let him—he can fuck my mouth if he wants. Benjamin seems to realize he has newfound freedom.
Curious and cautious—his grip on my hair tightens and he pushes into my mouth again.
I suck on him—stay still, look him in the eyes.
That seems to get him going, his hips thrusting into me at a steady pace.
He’s being gentle, I can tell. I grab his wrists and pull his hands away, popping off of him again.
“Button—I’m not made of glass. Fuck my face so we can shower.” His eyes widen, full of desire as he stares down at me.
“Ah, fuck.” He mutters and I suck him back in. He grips my hair and like the good boy he is, he listens, fucking into me fast and hard. He’s desperate—staring down at me with the strangest expression as he gasps and groans.
It’s almost like he’s confused—in awe, just can’t believe we’re here.
I’m gagging, tears rolling down my cheeks.
When he thrusts as far back as he can and holds me there—the way I used to do to him—I groan.
My eyes can’t focus. I feel so overwhelmed—so completely taken by him in this moment.
Something I’m not used to. Right when I consider tapping him to remind him I do need air eventually—he pulls out enough to let me breathe.
I’m gasping around his dick, then sucking it back in.
He does that over and over—harder and harder.
I realize he’s copying me, what I do to him.
I can see why he’s such a brat now. He wants this.
Benjamin’s close—I can feel his thrusts losing rhythm.
He’s whining then groaning, leaning over more and more.
When he’s about to come he tries to pull out.
Whether it’s to stop the orgasm or to come on me rather than in my mouth—I don’t care.
I grab his ass and pull him to me, my nose flush with his skin.
“Ah—ah! Aaron, please, I’m close—oh fuck.
” I have him swallowed down my throat—gagging and trying to swallow him all the way down.
I don’t let him move; I keep him here with me.
After a few seconds he grips my hair in a death grip, and I feel his legs start to give.
I feel hot spurts of his come shooting down my throat—gagging me further. “Shit—shit, Aaron! Fuck, baby. Fuck.”
I put him on my tongue toward the end of his orgasm to taste him—moaning and sucking away at his tip trying to get more. He’s pushing my head desperately. “Please—please stop—fuck—ugh.” I let him go and catch him when he starts sinking to the floor.
“Yeah?” I ask—laughing at him, now holding him in my lap.
“Fuck you. Torture.” Then he looks up at me. “I see now why you like to punish me.”
“Mhm—shower.”
I catch our reflection in the mirror as we head to the tub and I smile. I guess I’m not waking up.
After our shower, I sit on the couch while Benjamin sits in front of me on the floor ordering food for us. I’m drying his hair with a towel—done avoiding the conversation I know we need to have. I put the towel down next to me.
“Benjamin.”
“Hmm?”
“Why did you leave that night?” Benjamin freezes—doesn’t even breathe. “What did I do? I had thought… I thought everything was okay.” It’s silent for a minute as I give him space to think—to calm himself.
“You didn’t do anything. But… I had a plan and hurting you wasn’t a part of it. So, I had to leave before you loved me any more. Before you got more wrapped up in me.” A plan?
“It’s been a decade—” I laugh. “I don’t think I can get more wrapped up—”
“I planned on killing myself after college.” Silence.
“I just had to make it until then. I was going to move out of mine and Fe’s apartment at the end of the lease and put space between us.
I didn’t want… I didn’t want either of you to suffer because of my death.
Or any other shitty things that’ll happen in my life between then and now. ”
“If you thought not talking to me for two years was going to stop me from suffering after your death then you’re an idiot.” He turns to look up at me—to see my anger.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t… I couldn’t do it anymore. I still can’t sometimes. But now—” He takes a deep breath. “I love you, Aaron. So I think it’ll be okay.”
“Oh, Button.” I lean down and kiss him—soft and sweet. “I love you so much.” I whisper against his mouth.
“I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with crazy shit for so long because of me.” I pull back to look into those hazel eyes. “I’m sorry I was selfish. Trying to leave you guys.”
“I want you forever.” Is all I say because I don’t know how to respond to that. Benjamin smiles, he nods. “Can we… Will you stay with me? Will you be my boyfriend?” His eyes grow wide—mouth opening and shutting repeatedly. “If it’s too soon, I—”
“Yes. Yes, I will.” Benjamin’s smiling now—one of those ridiculous sun smiles, so I yank him into my lap and I kiss him.
This time I hope he isn’t lying. I hope he stays. I hope my love really is enough to keep him alive.