Chapter Thirty Six
Benjamin
There is a slight hint of autumn in the breeze that dances around me.
In Arizona, November doesn’t really get cold.
The fake grass never dies, and the pools mostly stay uncovered.
I never really minded it much before—but now it’s a little disappointing.
I’ll never experience all the seasons. Not really.
My sneakers make a squeaking noise as I shuffle slightly on the railing. I’ve been up here long enough to gain my balance, so my arms are relaxed at my sides. I take a deep—full breath. Everything is quiet. Calm.
There was this panic in my brain that was only going to be quelled by the promise of release. Honestly—it’s not too bad. I had a good year before my end. Seeing my friends—Felix asking me to be a best man at his wedding, having goals for my future—loving Aaron.
God—I hope Felix comes out of this okay. I hope Kayla can get him through it, I hope he heals just fine. And Aaron… he’ll move on. He has to. I left my note—he knows it isn’t his fault. That I love him. He shouldn’t hold that guilt.
I really thought that loving him—that our life together was enough to deter my desire to die.
And it was—for a while. And then Cameron happened again and it wasn’t.
Not anymore. I could hear him throwing up in the bathroom throughout the night—I could see the way I was wearing him down.
Waking him up at 3 A.M. screaming—not speaking to him for weeks, barely looking at him.
I can’t. I can’t bear it. Not only am I terrified of ruining his life further, but I can’t speak to him—can’t look at him without feeling like I’m killing him.
So, after trying for so long, I have decided I won’t put him through it any longer. I think getting over my death will be easier than a lifetime of dealing with my trauma.
My little blue bird can fly away. He can take his pieces of me and spread those wings—achieving his dreams and falling in love anew.
I… I have to leave. I have to leave this life.
And if there’s another—if I’m reborn to another world—I’ll find him there too.
I’ll be normal. Boy—girl—doesn’t matter.
I’ll be normal and I’ll find him and love him.
Oh Aaron—it doesn’t matter what you look like—where you are, what you’re called—I will find you again.
I am destined to find you in every single life I live, in every moment I suffer and every moment I believe I might not anymore.
I am meant for you everywhere—every time.
It’s just that this time… it’s been cut a bit short.
But it was nice—the time we had. Even the years of back and forth are so precious to me.
I will never regret a moment in which he touched me—a moment where my eyes landed on him.
We both knew, in some way or another, from the moment we met, that this was it—this is where we were supposed to be.
When I fell from my bike at nine years old and scraped my knee raw Aaron came running—he held my tear-soaked face and told me—
“It’s okay, Benjamin. I’ll fix it. You’re okay.”
We both knew in one way or another. Aaron has always been fixing me. From the very beginning he has been putting me back together again and again. I cannot make him do it until death. My sweet, sweet Aaron. My darling God.
I can feel the hot tears slide down my cheeks but I’m smiling. Everything is so peaceful. The water rushing below is calming to hear—the setting sun is picture-perfect. There is no better day to die. No better time. Mom’s ashes sit on the railing next to me.
When he’s kneeling over my grave—will Aaron scream at me? Will he hate me? Or will he tell me he loves me? I guess that has nothing to do with me in the end. I will be dead.
“Come home, baby.” I can hear Mom whisper to me.
“Okay—it’s time. I’ll join you now, so don’t worry.” I can feel the flood of relief filling my chest. I think I’ll watch the sunset as I fall. “Goodbye.” I whisper.
“BENJAMIN!” My head snaps to the right, just over my shoulder. Aaron is standing there, reaching for me. He’s about 25 feet away, just now entering the area of dirt that leads up to the bridge and is inaccessible to vehicles.
“One more step and I fall.” I say—so calmly. When I raise one foot just a bit Aaron panics.
“Okay! Okay! I’m staying here—fuck—I won’t move, I promise.” I’m watching him and he looks miserable. I’ve never seen him look so afraid—so distraught. Not even as he stood over my drugged body.
“Why did you come? You can’t stop me.” He’s pleading to me with his eyes, hands trembling as they stay reached out for me.
“Please—I need you to come home. Please.” I shake my head.
“Aaron, it’s time. This has been a long time coming.” Aaron groans in frustration.
“I know I can’t fix it, Button, but I can help you handle it. I’ll help you. But stay. Stay with me—please.” My chest is hurting now—my peace half replaced by his pain. Our souls are so forged together that we share even that.
“You’ve always fixed it. Everything all the time.” I turn back to the setting sun. “I can understand why it’s frustrating that you can’t fix this. Can’t command me off the ledge. It’s not your fault I died, Aaron.”
“YOU’RE NOT DEAD! Stop saying it like you’ve already jumped!” The irony of the statement—the way it feels so perfectly accurate to me.
“But I have. I jumped the moment she touched me. I just spent a while holding onto the ledge.” He cries—kicking a rock at his feet and narrowing his eyes at me as I look back at him.
“Then why? Why fucking wait?” I love him so much. I love him so much that his anger warms me—gifts me a gentle smile, fills my heart.
“I was hoping love was enough to make life worth it.” Aaron’s eyes grow wide and as he looks at me in such devastation—he falls to his knees.
“It was. Until that night. Now—there is nothing. No love is worth what this is doing to me, what it’s doing to you.
” His face is soaked in tears, his hands clasped together in front of him.
“That night did nothing to me but make me want to protect you even harder—to take care of you, to love you more if I possibly could. To be a better man. But this—this is destroying me, Benjamin. This will kill me.” My eye twitches and I can feel that peace slipping away more and more.
“Aaron—stop. Go home.”
“No! If you get to jump, I get to speak. Don’t you remember what you said?
What you told me? I love you so much I could die.
So much that now I want to live. That’s what you said.
Do you not love me anymore? Am I not enough?
” The knife twists in my chest and I feel the hot tears start to collect in my eyes.
“You know that’s not it—”
“No—I know nothing because you tell me nothing. Please, Button. Come here.”
There is some part of me that wants him to hold me so badly—wants him to stop crying, to stop looking at me like I’m crushing him from the inside out.
It’s clawing its way up my throat, trying to get out of me.
I feel anger—anger that I got so close again and have another obstacle. Why can’t I just die?
“Shut up!” I scream, tears falling again.
“You’re so fucking unfair, Aaron! I tried.
I tried for months to live with the constant reminder of her.
The feel of her hands—the sound of her voice, how fucking terrifying it was to not be able to move—to scream.
” I’m sobbing now, staring at the sun as it’s disappearing under the horizon.
The streetlamp turns on. “Is that not worth anything to you? I couldn’t do it.
In the end—I really could only take so much, baby.
You can’t take this from me—you can’t fix it.
It has nothing to do with loving you and everything to do with being able to see past my own terror to find you in the first place. ”
I’m panting—arms now outstretched again to keep my balance.
“Benjamin—” He cries. “I love you so fucking much. Please—please don’t leave me. Don’t leave me here without you. I can’t handle it. Please, I’m begging.” I can’t look at him, terrified of what I’ll see when I turn to look.
“You’re strong Aaron—you’ll get through this. I promise.”
“Motherfucker! You aren’t listening to me!
” He screams. “I won’t! I won’t get through it!
I’ve spent over half of my life watching you—waiting for you.
And now you want to up and die? Fuck me!
I feel like I’m being shredded to pieces, Button.
” At that, I finally look over my shoulder again to face him.
He’s still on his knees sobbing, head bowed to me as he begs me to come down.
My darling God, praying to me.
“I love you more than anything else in this world, my little blue bird.” I tell him, and he jumps up to stand—eyes so terrified, so fucking terrorized.
“No! Wait! Don’t go, don’t leave me. Wait—please—” He wails.
“I can’t do it. I can’t. I need you. Don’t go—don’t leave me to love you in this purgatory.
I’ll hold you every day—I’ll love you so fucking hard through every moment in any way you need it.
Just fucking please don’t go. Don’t make me watch.
” He takes a step forward. “Don’t make me watch you die. ”
“Aaron…” He’s slowly stepping toward me—but this part of me clawing its way to him keeps me on the railing.
“Baby—I will burn that entire house to the ground. I’ll fucking kill her with my bare hands. I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life in bed with you soothing your cries and kissing away your tears. If that’s what you need—I’ll happily dedicate the rest of my life to taking care of you.”
“I can’t ask that of you. I can’t make you do that.”
“That’s what a god does.” He says simply—startling me down to my bones. “That’s what I’m made to do—to care for you—to guide you, no?” Slowly, I find myself nodding. He’s closed half of the gap by now—hands outstretched as he walks—staring up at me like he’ll scream if I make any sudden moves.