Chapter Thirty Six #2
“If I didn’t want this—if I didn’t crave being that kind of person for you—I would have never let you get on your knees in front of me and devote yourself to me.
I would have never buried myself so deep inside of you that our souls intertwined into one.
” I can feel the hot tears slipping all the way down my neck as I watch him, listen to him.
He’s convincing me… and maybe he’s right. He does like taking care of me. And maybe with time I can feel better? I started to feel better after the first time—eventually.
“The moment you let me sink my teeth into you—no—the moment you stood there and let me watch you shower, staring at me with those curious, sweet eyes of yours—you became mine. You can’t just leave.
You’re stealing. You’re taking from me what’s mine, Button.
It’s not fair.” I see my necklace in one of his hands, feel that barbed wire around my throat tighten.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper—because I am. Because I want to jump so badly. “I just wanted to follow in their footsteps. My parents.” Aaron takes a deep breath, now close enough to grab me if he wanted to.
“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you.” He’s staring up at me, hand held out for me. Inches away. “Benjamin—come down. Now.”
Nodding, I turn away from the water. He’s right, I can’t just leave him. At least not like this—not in front of him. And I could never deny him anyway. I reach a hand out, feeling his fingertips on mine.
My sneaker catches on the box holding my mom’s ashes. I’d forgotten she was there.
My stomach falls as I slip backwards—hearing a scream that might be mine but is probably Aaron’s as I watch the sky above me—falling. It’s so slow, so slow in time.
I spent so long trying to save Mom—just for her to kill me in the end.
I feel the tension leave my body as I fall, as I hurdle toward an end I’ve dreamt of for so long.
And then terror fills me anew as I see Aaron clear the railing—hand outstretched as if to grab me. He’s so beautiful, even like this. Petrified and upside down. He will die too.
My stupid, silly little blue bird. Doesn’t he know he can’t really fly?
I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And now I’ve killed him. I’m sorry—I’m so fucking sorry.
Goodbye.
◆◆◆
The familiar sounds of beeping monitors and low chatter surround me. I am on the edge of consciousness and I know I’m afraid. I know there is something here that I need to see—need to find. What was it? I can’t seem to remember.
I was so warm before. So warm and put together. Safe—as if I was home. Where was I? How did I get here? Did I overdose again? Where’s Aaron? Felix? Things were so okay—so perfect.
Aaron—come get me. Aaron, I’m lost here on the edge—what’s happened to me?
I think I’m screaming it, but I can’t hear my own voice. I know he’ll find me if he hears me. Aaron loves me—actually really does. And he’ll fix it. He’ll fix this. He can fix anything.
Anything….
Aaron? Where is he? Could he not fix it? What was it?
Oh—the party. He couldn’t stop her. He couldn’t fix me. I was killing him. The bridge—did I fail? Am I dead or alive? Where is Aaron?
Oh God—Aaron jumped.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m trying to scream—I promise I am, but no one can hear me. My mouth won’t open. I can no longer hear the beeping over the sound of the screams filling my head.
Aaron, please. Please be alive. Don’t leave me.
If he’s gone—if he’s dead and I am alive I will hang myself—I will slit my wrists, I will jump from a skyscraper—I don’t care. I can’t. I won’t. Not without him. I can barely even do it when he’s here.
I have to know—I have to see—I have to find him.
Aaron—Aaron—Aaron—
“Aaron!” Finally—my voice bursts through that film that rests between conscious and not. I sound terrified, I sound broken. I was right in my head—this is a hospital—I’m alive. I sit up, looking around.
Tina and Greg come running in at the sound of my scream.
“Benjamin! Oh, thank God! We thought it might be you both, I was terrified.” Tina is crying, holding my hand and giving it tiny kisses. Greg stands behind her, giving me a sad, watery smile. But I don’t care—I don’t hear the rest.
We thought it might be you both, I was terrified.
Aaron. No. No, no, no.
“Tina—where is Aaron?” She looks up at her husband. A question in her eyes—can he handle it? I don’t care. “AARON!” I’m screaming. He’ll come. He’ll hear me, he always hears me.
“Don’t you think that whoever controls a god is truly the most powerful being? You called. I came.”
He’ll come. He will.
“Bear, baby—listen.” I’m breathing heavily, looking back up at her from my place on the bed. “Aaron… He hasn’t woken up.”
“What?” I heard her wrong.
“It’s been a day—they think he’s in a coma. You showed some signs of stirring but he… he hasn’t.” I heard her wrong.
“You’re a liar.” Tina startles—I look away from her. “I want to see him. Please take me to him right now.” I stand up shakily, grabbing the rolling IV bag and walking around the bed. I’m in those ugly hospital clothes but at least my ass isn’t out.
“I don’t think—”
“Tina—let him.” Greg says solemnly. “He has to see for himself. He’s next door—493.” I nod and leave the room. It only takes me a second to get there—Felix and Kayla sitting in chairs by the window. Felix jumps up when I enter but stays where he’s standing.
“Bear!” I pay him no mind.
Aaron is on the hospital bed and he’s breathing. Alive. But yeah—he’s not awake. A coma. A fucking coma. I did this—I did this to him. What if he never wakes up?
I walk to his side, staring down at him, running my fingers along his jaw.
“Oh God.” It’s a brutal, horrible sound when it leaves me. A sob and a scream and a plea to a god who can’t hear me. “I’m sorry. Aaron—I’m sorry.”
“Bear—”
“Leave him.” Kayla is crying as she speaks.
“Baby please—please wake up.” I’m holding his face with both hands now, peering down at him, my tears falling all over him.
“I’ll be good. I’ll eat and I’ll talk. I promise.
Please don’t leave me, I get it now. I get it!
I won’t do it to you—I won’t die. Please!
Little Blue Bird—don’t leave me here!” I’m sobbing, lying on his chest, gripping as much of him as I can.
“Sir, we need you to go back to your bed—you’re still recovering.”
“Don’t touch me.” They can’t separate us—not now.
“Aaron—Aaron listen to me. I will do anything for you to open your eyes right now. I know you can hear me, you always hear me. No matter what. I love you—please. I’ll leave the house.
I’ll see our friends, I’ll even let you fuck me in the kitchen if that’s what it takes.
” Someone spits out their drink, but I don’t care to see who.
“I’ll stay alive—I won’t die at my own hands.
But only if you come back to me. Aaron, wake up.
Right now. Tell me you love me. Say you’ll fix it.
” I’m commanding him through sobs—holding his face again, more desperate by the second.
“Sir, you need to—”
“Aaron—wake up. Stop fucking with me. Get up.”
“Benjam—”
“Aaron Archer! Wake the fuck up! Please—wake up, I love you. I—” There are two security guards grabbing me, pulling me and my stand away from my Aaron. I continue to scream. “NO! AARON PLEASE—AARON! I LOVE YOU.”
I think they sedate me—but I’m unsure. I’m waking to those monitors again, my anxiety and terror picking up right where it left off.
“Aaron!” I try to sit up but to my surprise my hands and feet are strapped down. I yank at them, grunting against the pain, the panic.
“Bear—you’re hurting yourself.” I stop, looking to my right. Felix sits there alone, eyes swollen and red, frowning. “Stop it.”
“Let me out.” I tell him.
“No.” He finally meets my eyes. “After the third time you woke and ran to Aaron’s room screaming they had to do something to stop you.” Third time? My heart sinks. I want to throw up.
“How long has it been?”
“Since you were admitted? A couple of days. You’re about to be released—your concussion is much better, and they’re no longer scared you have any illness or underlying medical issues.” Felix is staring at me like he has nothing left to give—like his emotional bank is empty.
“Aaron?” He shakes his head. “Let me see him.”
“No. You’ll come home with me. You’re lucky you only—”
“Lucky? No—lucky would be I didn’t slip—or Aaron never jumped in after me. Lucky would be I died on impact. Not this fucking hell.” I watch in real time as the anger takes over Felix’s features.
“Benjamin. I have always been patient and gentle with you. Our whole lives. But no more. I know you love him, I know. And I know the guilt is probably hard to bear. But that’s my brother in that room not waking up.
My brother. So unfortunately, I can’t spend my entire day trying to console you or convince you to not freak out over his body.
I love you—and I’m here for you if you want support or someone to lean on in a healthy way.
But maybe go ahead and consider yourself at least a little lucky—you know—since you woke up. ”
He’s panting—staring at me with regret and relief written all over his face. His words sit heavily inside of me, wrapping themselves around my heart.
“You’re right.” I whisper, looking at the ceiling. I can’t look at his face anymore. It hurts. “I’m sorry. I’m just… I—”
“I know, Bear.” Felix sits on the bed, running a hand over my tear-stained cheek.
I flinch away. “We’ll get through this together.
Aaron will wake up. He spent years finding a way to be with you—there’s no way he’s letting a coma ruin it.
He’s a dick like that.” We both crack a small smile at that because yeah—he is one stubborn dick.
“Okay, thanks.” We stare at each other for a moment.
“Bear? You have to get better.” I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know how to get better. “What happens when he wakes up? Are you going to continue living the way you do now? What about all those promises you made?”
He’s right. What am I going to do? I have no resources—no ideas, no experience that doesn’t involve Aaron fixing it. Am I even able to do this? To be better for him? To be the version of myself that won’t hurt him?
“Fe—” I’m tearing up again. “How? I want to—but how?” He smiles down at me, gentle and loving.
“Therapy. Support. Positivity. It is possible—we’ll do it together. As a family.”
“And what if… what if he wakes up and he doesn’t remember me?” I can feel my body falling apart at the thought—at the nightmare.
“Then he’ll just have to fall in love with you all over again.”
They’ve let me back into Aaron’s room now that I’m discharged and a bit more stable.
He looks peaceful—his black curls pushed back from his face, dark lashes resting on the top of his cheekbones.
His lips are a little dry—so Kayla puts Chapstick on him.
He looks like he’s at home—taking a nap on the couch. He looks like my Aaron.
“Aaron. It’s me—Button.” I sit on the edge of his bed, lay my palm over his heart.
“I’m being discharged and I’m going to get better.
The first thing I’m going to do when you wake up—after kicking your ass for jumping over that railing—is tell you how much I love you.
How right you were. One of us cannot exist without the other.
Not anymore.” I kiss his mouth very gently, feel his breath on my lips, and let Felix take me to his apartment.
◆◆◆
“Benjamin—it’s normal to feel like everything is pointless when you experience so much pain.
Some people are dealt all of their bad cards early, rather than spread out over their lifetime like most.” Dr. Howard shuffles the papers in his lap.
“You’re an incredibly strong young man. You have more than enough maturity—enough heart, to overcome the abuse of your father—the sexual assaults, the cheating of your long-term boyfriend.
The drug abuse, the self-harming. All of these things—you can overcome them. ”
I sigh, picking at my sock where my feet are crisscrossed on the couch I’m sitting on. Therapy is weird.
“But it’s a lot and I don’t have that much time.” Dr. Howard chuckles like I’ve said something amusing to him.
“I wasn’t aware we were in a time crunch.
Listen—you don’t have to be completely healed in a month.
Every day you will feel better—every week and every month.
It’ll add up and before you know it, you’ll see a significant change.
The fact of the matter is—you will always be better than the day before. ”
I can feel the hot tears pricking at my eyes, so I avoid looking at him.
“I want to be better when Aaron wakes up.” I admit. This is only my second session with Dr. Howard—we haven’t done too much work.
“Ah—your boyfriend. I think where you’re at in this very moment is already a significant improvement from before the jump. Don’t you? He’ll be proud of that in itself. And you’ll be getting better every day from here on out, too.” He’s right, I know he is. I was just hoping it would be easier.
I can’t go home without Aaron. I’ve been staying with Felix for the past week.
I’ll be seeing Dr. Howard on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Felix and Kayla make me have dinner with them every night and sometimes we go out after their classes or workdays end.
It’s true, I am significantly better than I was.
But I think a big part of it has nothing to do with therapy or family dinner.
“Are you ready to continue, Benjamin?”
“Yes.”
I felt what it was like to lose the other half of your soul. I will live until I decay naturally to keep Aaron from that fate—that hell.