Chapter Forty Six
Benjamin
Felix’s bedroom looks exactly the same as it did our senior year of high school.
Every time we come back, we’re careful not to fuck it up—to ruin the world we had created.
We’re standing next to his bed—looking over the random basketball, the pile of clean clothes he didn’t bring to UA, the dresser with picture frames and trophies littered on top.
Track trophies—photos of him and his family all together—him and Aaron—me and him.
The coat rack I knocked over and the desk I kicked are still in the same spots. Jackets hang on the rack—an old printer and several anime figurines on the desk. The posters on the walls are still pristine—none falling down or fading. The queen bed that used to feel so big now looks so small.
“How did we sleep on this every night?” I’m laughing, leaning over the bed to see all the various pillows and blankets we shared.
Felix grabs me around the waist—throwing himself onto the bed and taking me with him. Once he has us situated the way we slept growing up—side by side on our backs, legs thrown over each other, he sighs.
“You know—I really miss these years. When it was just me and you.” I turn my head and he’s already looking at me.
“Watching you on stage with Phoebe or seeing you over the years get closer and closer to Aaron—it has felt like losing a part of myself. I mean, I didn’t breathe air that wasn’t yours first for so long.
” The tears are welling up in my eyes as he reminisces—as he smiles so gently at me—so familiar.
“You’re still my best friend. I may be in love with Aaron, but I love you, the same way I always have. For a very long time you were the only safe thing in my world. This space with you.” Felix yanks me toward him, wrapping his arms around me and shoving my face into his chest.
“Oh, Bear. We were each other’s first soulmates. Platonic—but just as real. I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer through so much. Nothing makes me happier than seeing your happiness finally make an appearance.”
Felix’s heartbeat is so warm and comforting.
It’s a safe and soft sound that I’ve heard more times than even I can imagine.
I wrap my arms around his torso and feel his heat soak into me—let myself believe we are sixteen again and we’ve been out in the summer sun too long.
Tomorrow—we’ll get snow cones. Aaron and Amber will come.
Everything around me feels right, it’s where and what it should be. We fall asleep like that. We fall asleep in that dream. On the grass sharing snow cones—laying on top of each other and laughing over nothing.
◆◆◆
“I used to find them like this all the time. Or punching each other—just depending on the day, I guess.” I can hear Aaron, can feel him in this room with me.
“Aaron?” I’m too warm to move. Too content to imagine breaking this nostalgia.
“Hey, Button. Enjoying your nap?” He sounds so much like Aaron now and Aaron then. Maybe I’m still in my dream. I hug Felix tighter to me.
“Am I sixteen or are you in love with me?” I ask him—relishing in the sound of his laugh—taking in a big breath of Felix and letting it wrap around me.
“Two things can be true. But no, baby—you’re not sixteen.” I feel a little disappointed to be out of my little dream world, away from the haven we had built.
“Oh. It was nice. In here—with Felix and you. So warm and safe for me.” I feel Aaron brush hair off of my face but I’m uncertain if it’s mine or Fe’s. “We were getting snow cones.” I grin, finally opening my eyes little by little.
“Were we?”
“Yeah—Amber too.”
“Score!” I guess Amber’s in the room with us.
I lean up as much as I can in Felix’s death grip and stare down at him.
So beautiful—like all of the Archer family.
Thick black curls, strong nose, full lips.
When he wakes, those incredible green eyes will look upon the world again.
An exact copy of Aaron—somehow managing to be entirely different.
“Aw, Fe. He looked just like this then, too.” I look around the room. The whole fucking family—minus Tina and Greg—are watching me like I’m a super-captivating movie. “What?”
“You’re just so cute all wrapped up with Felix like you’re babies again.” Amber coos—Serenity slapping her arm. Kayla’s taking so many pictures it’s ridiculous.
“You guys better not do this when I go reminisce in Aaron’s room. I don’t think you want to see that.”
“Oh my God.” Felix says against my chest—groaning at the light. “You did not fuck my brother while I was home. Right?”
“Of course not.” I scoff. “He did watch me shower, though.”
“Oh my God!” Felix cries, burying his face into my chest even further.
“Fuckin’ snitch.” I look at Aaron who’s sitting on the bed on the other side of me and give him a little grin.
“I knew!” Amber raises her hand, full of pride.
“Wow. Hypocrite.” I shoot back—Aaron shrugs.
“Babe—make it stop. I’m being traumatized over here.” Felix complains. Kayla rolls her eyes but comes to the bed anyway.
“You poor thing. Let’s go make apple cider, yeah?” Felix shoots up, giving me a pitiful frown.
“Sorry, Bear. Some things are more important than bonding over our childhood.” Then he and Kayla leave the room.
“That’s cold. Anyway—y’all want to go make cider?” Amber turns on her heel to follow the others.
“Absolutely. Come on, baby.” Aaron stands, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the bed. Once I’m standing, he runs his hands through my hair until it’s not sticking up anymore.
“I’m too sleepy—leave me here to die alone.” I groan, falling back onto the bed. Stairs? I’m good. Aaron grabs me before I hit the mattress and throws me over his shoulder. “Hey!”
“What? Now you don’t have to walk.”
And that’s how we go downstairs to make cider with our little family.
◆◆◆
Felix and Kayla are staying with Kayla’s family for the night to divide their time between the two.
As I have no family of my own—we’re staying at the Archer house.
Aaron gives me some of his briefs and one of his old soccer shirts to wear to bed as I make my way to the shower.
The space is so familiar, it really just feels like I’m back home.
I strip down and get under the hot water—wetting my hair and scrubbing my scalp with the shampoo Felix and I used to use.
As I’m scrubbing, I can feel his eyes on me.
I may be wrong—my eyes are closed—but I’m pretty sure that just like six years ago, Aaron is standing there, watching me.
I’m not rushing, I plan to take my time whether he’s there or not.
Once the shampoo is rinsed, I run the water over my eyes and rub them. And yeah—when I open them Aaron is there—leaning against the wall, holding the curtain open as he watches me.
“Aaron.” I greet.
“Hi, Button.” He grins. “What’re you doing?” He’s playing the whole damn thing out.
“Showering—clearly. Did you need to shower?” Aaron shakes his head, saying nothing else. I grab the body wash. It looks so similar to the first time—only now I don’t have to think of dead puppies to keep from getting a boner.
He stays in that same spot—arms crossed—following my every move until I turn the water off. Then, he disappears. I dry off and dress in the sleep clothes he gave me, finding him in bed as I walk into the room.
“Hey there.” He greets, lifting the blanket for me to come crawl in.
He looks like seventeen-year-old Aaron—he looks like home and comfort and purpose. My entire life before and after this moment is lying in this bed in front of me and he’s so fucking beautiful.
As I’m moving to turn the light off, I stop at the space in his room right before the bathroom door. This is where our biggest fight happened.
“Button?” I look up to where forever lays and suddenly there’s sorrow.
“For someone who claims to be completely at my mercy, you sure enjoy crushing me.” I watch his eyes widen as he sits up on the bed.
“This spot here—I told you to never touch me again. You told me you wouldn’t be with me, so I said I’d spare you and you were so happy.
That day you broke my heart in a way no one ever had before.
Not even my own mother.” Aaron is staring at me as if he doesn’t know what to say—what to do. How to fix it now.
“I… I remember that.” Is all he says.
“I asked you if you’d ever accept us—accept me.
You said nothing, even when it meant me leaving.
” Aaron is jumping out of the bed and walking to stand in front of me.
We are positioned exactly as we were that day.
“I told you I was made to be touched by you—asked you to be my god and take what you needed from me that day. In return, you told me that if you ever fucked me, I’d never get away from you.
You’d own me forever.” His eyes are full of so much emotion, so much pain and nostalgia and happiness in remembrance of the happier bits.
“I remember.” He repeats, giving me room to get it all out.
“That day was such a monumental day for us. So much was torn apart—so much was forged. I wanted to hate you for breaking my heart, making me think I could have you. But I also knew you and some part of me knew there had to be something else there. I just couldn’t give myself that hope.
It was too scary.” Aaron nods, taking a step closer to me.
“You bit the back of my neck for the first time on that bed. You held me after my dad’s market freak-out—slept with me all night.
So much has happened here in this one room.
So many years have passed between us.” I cup his jaw—catch the one tear that has managed to fall from his beautiful green eyes.
“I will never forget any of it. No matter how horrible some memories may feel—there are a hundred more that tell me you love me—that all these years running in circles, breaking each other’s hearts was worth it in the end. ”