Chapter Forty Nine #2
Every version of Benjamin over the years that I’ve met—that I’ve loved.
The constant pull—the desire in his eyes when he’d look at me with Drew standing right behind him.
Like he was begging for me to tear his clothes off and do it right, to please him how only I can.
How he needs. How he’d look at me like he loved me and he hated that he was putting that in my face—another man—another relationship.
The look of regret when he’d walk away, when he’d be forced to leave my side.
What misery. I would take misery to have these moments—I would take misery just to be near him—to know him. I love him more than I love breathing.
◆◆◆
The first dinner was very nice. All fancy steak and red wines. We’re walking the beach on the way back to the villa, and I’m trying to not let the tight slacks Benjamin’s wearing distract me too badly.
“I just don’t see why Fe can’t go in 50/50 with me when he knows it’ll take Phoebe to the next level! What—is he having kids soon or something?” Benjamin complains, mentioning for the second time tonight how Felix won’t rent out the studio space with him for another year.
“I don’t think so.”
“Then what else does he need the money for?!” He throws his hands up—looking at me like it’s my fault somehow.
“Hey—yell at Felix, not me.” I chastise as we approach the steps to the villa and Benjamin laughs.
“I guess. Oh—look, the moon is making a crazy shadow on the water.” Sure enough—the night sky is quite beautiful on the ocean water. It’s his first time being somewhere like this and I’m so happy he’s enjoying it so much, that I could give him this experience.
His eyes reflecting the moonlight—the soft smile on his lips. Fuck.
“Come shower with me.” I tell him, and he looks at me a bit startled before he smiles wider—nodding at me as I lead him up the stairs.
The shower is a rainfall shower, and once it’s warm I tell Benjamin to get in. While he does, I order chocolate-covered strawberries to be sent and left outside the door of the villa sometime in the next hour. Then I join him.
I can see his outline through the glass panel even as it’s fogged. I can hear him humming as I walk toward him—can feel my heart beating faster—my body heating up. There’s no door to this shower, so I just walk in—catching Benjamin’s eye as I do, and he looks up at me with a shy smile.
He looks so soft and warm here—just as he did so many years ago. So delicate—so fucking beautiful.
“Aaron—” He sounds small, tentative. He turns into this version of himself when we’re alone, when we’re like this.
As if he will forever need me to guide him—to teach him—to tell him what to do.
It’s intoxicating. He reaches a hand out to me, the one wearing my ring, the one that makes him Benjamin Archer.
I hold it—kissing the back of his hand, the ring, his palm. Then, I slowly pull him toward me.
“Hm?” I prompt. He’s still staring at me—almost curiously now.
“We’ve never… we’ve never had—” He gasps when he’s pulled flush against my chest and our lengths rub against one another.
“Hm?” I repeat.
“We’ve never had sex in a shower before.” I’ve never really had the desire to—never really saw the fun in it. We have a perfectly good bed I can bend him over and eat— “I’ve never done it in a shower before. Would you please teach me?”
I think shower sex is a great idea. We’re already here and cleaning up is way more convenient. Plus—those strawberries will be delivered soon. Benjamin’s a genius!
“I’ll teach you anything you want to know, baby.” I whisper—bending down and kissing his temple and his jaw—running my fingers through his wet hair as he sighs against me. I feel his hips push up into mine. “You have two options.”
“Two?” His eyes widen in excitement as he leans back again to stare up at me. I cup his ass with one hand—the other wrapped around his waist.
“First option is I bend you over and you keep your hands on the wall as I fuck you. Second option is you wrap your legs around my waist, and I fuck up into you against said wall.”
“Two.” I laugh at his quick decision—the confident nod of his head. “A very obvious choice.”
“Well, I still need to stretch you. So—” I turn him around and bend him over at the waist—keeping his ass pressed against me. I run a hand up his chest to his throat and hold him there, using that to keep him balanced as he puts his weight on me.
“Aaron?”
“Shhh.” I hush him, then bring my hand down hard enough to hurt my own ears with the sound as it echoes off the wall.
Benjamin’s body tenses for a moment, his pulse beating in my palm where I’m holding his throat—his mouth hanging open as he stares at the floor, completely gone. I can see the bruise forming already. Before he comes to, I slide a finger into him—letting his body begin to adjust on its own.
I hear Benjamin gasp for breath—watching as his face transforms from one of that vacant, shocked expression to pleasured sobs, brows furrowed, hands gripping my wrist where it sits against his collarbones.
I slowly begin to pull my finger out, and he finally notices the pressure.
“Oh fuck—oh God. When—hnnnn.” His head drops as far as it can over my hand as I push back into him, picking up pace now that he’s stopped tensing around me.
“Is that good, baby? Look—you’re drooling.” Benjamin whines and I lean over, sucking on the scar I left on the back of his neck. Then—I slip in another finger.
“Ahhh.” He stands up to his tiptoes, forcing more of my strength to keep him held by the throat. He’s shaking like a leaf and panting as if he’s been running for hours. “Please—please Aaron.”
“Please what?” The head of my cock rubs against his thigh deliciously and I groan.
“Harder—please.” I speed up, pumping my fingers into him harder—curling them as I pull them out. “Yes!” He grunts, hands squeezing tighter at my wrist.
“You look so good bent over like this, Button.” I tell him—licking up his back, into his dimples, biting his ears. I add a third finger, enjoying his cries. The tears are mixing with his spit that’s mixing with the water that is showering down on him.
“Aaron—” It’s a high-pitched whine, his hole clenching around my fingers.
“There, you’re there!” I curl my fingers just a bit, massaging the spot when he cries out again.
“Please—please either let me come or fuck me. I can’t…
I’ll die.” He shudders and I torture him a bit more—pressing harder onto his sweet spot, rubbing myself against him.
“Beg for it.” He groans.
“Please, Aaron. Please fuck me. God, please. I’ll get on my knees if I have to, but please give it to me. Just please let me come.” Benjamin sounds so good like this, so desperate. So needy. Like he needs me—will die without me.
“Such a slut.” I whisper in his ear, pressing inside of him even harder. He sobs loudly—clearly just barely keeping himself from blowing right here. “Need me that badly? Feel like you’re dying? Want me to save you?”
“YES! Please, yes. Save me—I need you so badly, baby.” I pull my fingers out of him, and he actually sighs in relief—barely keeping himself up with shaky legs. I turn him, picking him up to wrap his legs around my waist before walking under the water and pushing him against the wall.
I let the wall hold most of his weight—now eye-to-eye—hot water raining down on us. I line myself up with his hole.
“Okay—I’ll save you, Benjamin. Hold on tight, let me teach you.” I begin to sink into him, slowly but steadily. Benjamin’s mouth drops open as he stares into my eyes—a long moan ripping its way from his throat.
He looks so good, so delicious. I can see all of his desire—all of his trust and no defenses. I am his protector. I am his armor. Here—with me—he’s laid bare. And there is literally not a singular other thing in this entire universe as sexy as that.
I fuck into him until he begs me to stop—and then I fill him up, so full he aches. A part of me buried so deep inside of him to stay once I’ve left.
◆◆◆
Benjamin is sleeping so peacefully. His golden hair spilling around his head, onto his pillow as he lays on his side to face me—lips parted as he breathes softly.
I can hear his little sighs—can see the occasional flutter of his lashes.
His warm, tanned skin so soft and unblemished against the white silk sheets.
The waves crash outside—a breeze dances through the open doors.
The plate of strawberry caps lays discarded on the counter by the kitchen.
It must be almost sunrise at this point, but I can’t sleep—I can’t turn from this moment with him.
Everything is so beautiful, so peaceful.
I am suddenly afraid—so sickeningly afraid that I will never feel this happiness, this calm again.
I engrave it into my memory. I run my fingers over his face—light as a feather and breathe in the scent of citrus and ocean water.
My husband. Benjamin Archer. I finally did it, I finally got him. Now I can keep him safe, now I can protect him. He’s so beautiful tonight. He’s so precious to me.
“Aaron?” Benjamin has his sleepy voice equipped, which is an unfair attack. I watch as he rubs his eyes and peeks up at me. “Are you awake? Why?” He’s fighting sleep like a toddler.
“No reason. I just wanted to look at you.” I run my fingers through his hair, and his eyes seem to focus a bit more—become a bit more aware.
“Oh? Pervert.” He’s grinning at me. “What time is it?” I shrug at him.
“I don’t know. You should get more sleep—we have a long day.” I watch as Benjamin’s grin falls away and he studies me. His expression is serious—contemplative—and a bit scared. “What is it?”
“I… Aaron—do you want kids for real?” The question startles me a bit. It definitely isn’t something we were talking about before bed and not at all what I thought he’d say right now. In fact, Benjamin never brings up that kind of stuff first. It’s always me.
“Yes.” He looks almost disappointed. “Benjamin—what’s going on? Do you not want kids?” He’s avoiding my gaze, pulling me to lay on my side next to him as he runs his fingers over my collarbones.
“Well… to be honest I’ve never really considered it an option for myself.” I feel a hot pain—a deep fear in my chest as he speaks. No kids? But…
“Why not?” I keep my tone neutral so as to not make him feel rushed or guilty.
“I just—I’ve never had a good parent or example of how to raise a child.
I wouldn’t know how to break the generational-trauma cycle.
I don’t want to ruin some kid the way my dad ruined me.
” My heart breaks at his confession—the sadness in his eyes—the crack in his voice.
I grab his face, his cheekbones with my thumbs.
“Look at me.” When our eyes meet, I want to wrap him in a blanket and never let him leave the villa.
He’s so sad. “You are not your parents—your father. I know you and you’d be an amazing father.
We’d learn together. We can take some classes first and make friends with other parents or something.
I understand what you’re saying, and I think it’s a valid fear—something to work through with Dr. Howard.
But—do you want to have children with me?
Outside of that fear—if it was just the easy decision of having them or not. Would you?”
For some reason, I feel so vulnerable at this moment. As if this rejection will ruin me. I will stay with him either way—no matter what—but I will be devastated.
“Yes.” His voice is small, almost as if he feels guilty for admitting it. “I would want to raise a child with you. To see you with our child.” That goes straight to my dick, which should be completely out of commission after the night we’ve had—yet here we are.
“Then we compromise.” I tell him, and he perks up—scooting a bit closer to me curiously.
“How?”
“Well—when we get back home, you go back to seeing Dr. Howard, and after a while I’ll go with you to some aspiring-parent classes.
And when you’re ready—no matter how long it takes—then we’ll have our child.
I’m not sure what route we’ll take for that yet, but we can decide that later on.
” Benjamin is staring at me—watching my eyes, my mouth—every expression and twitch of my lips.
“I… really like that.” I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him against me.
“Good. Then it’s settled. One day we’ll be fathers and we’ll get to see each other raise our own little piece of this world.” A few tears slip free from his eyes as he nods, biting at his bottom lip.
“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
I’m so happy I didn’t… that I’m here.” He pauses for a moment—debating on sharing his next thought, it seems. “All things in my life must hurt me at least once. That was true for so long—and I think… I think that chapter has come to a close. I think I can stop expecting the next thing I encounter to crush me. You’ve saved me.
” His eyes stare into mine—straight into the depths of my soul. “Redemption.”
“I would save you over and over again, baby. I would follow you into death tenfold. I would wait years and years—watching from the sidelines just to be in your presence.” Benjamin presses his forehead to mine, sighs.
“You… my little blue bird. My darling God. I would be nothing without you.” My hands run up his back—memorizing the feel of his skin once more—as if this is the last time I’ll be given the chance to feel it.
“One cannot exist without the other, Button. In every lifetime.”