Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
JESSE
I built a fire after it got dark, hoping Casey would join me when she got home.
She loved fires. She’d been distracted today.
Not herself. I wondered if she was bothered by the encounter with my family more than she let on.
I needed to give her a little space to clear her head, yet part of me didn’t want to. I wanted her to talk to me. Rely on me.
I needed her to know she could do that. I would always be there for her.
All day, “I love you” had been running in my head.
I said it out loud several times, each time, the words feeling more real.
I thought of my life before Casey. The joy and laughter she had brought to it since she arrived.
The way she got into trouble and I rescued her.
The outdoor decorations and plants I disdained, yet wanted to let her have.
Her cooking. The way the house felt different when she was with me.
I had always liked it, but with her, it felt like home.
She made that difference.
And I wanted to share that with her.
I had no doubt she’d tell me off, think about it, then inform me how things were going to be.
I had no problem with that as long as it meant her moving to my side of the house and the walls coming down so we could build a life together. The idea of it made me ridiculously happy.
I had a feeling Lou would love it. That she had hoped for this all along.
I heard Casey’s SUV and waited patiently, smiling when the sound of her footsteps coming closer reached my ears.
She appeared, wearing jeans and a hoodie, casual, simple, and the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
“Hey,” I greeted her, holding out my hand.
“Hi,” she replied, taking it with a squeeze but then dropping it and sitting down.
I found that odd, but I smiled. “How was girls’ night?”
She shrugged. “Okay.”
“You didn’t have fun? Miss me too much?” I teased.
She paled. Even in the dim light, I could see her skin go white.
“Too much on my mind, I guess,” she replied, staring into the fire.
Something was off. Everything about her was wrong. Her expression was tormented, her posture stiff—it was as if she was collapsing in on herself. And her voice. It wasn’t the warm, soft tone I loved so much. It was removed. Distant.
I was about to move and go to where she was sitting when she spoke.
“I had an interesting phone call and email today.”
“Oh?”
“My old boss out west. He offered me a huge project.”
“Wow. Congrats, Pix. That’s awesome.”
She stared into the fire, not meeting my eyes. “It’s a great opportunity. The salary and bonuses are incredible. I get to hire the team. Oversee it all. The equipment budget is crazy.”
“Wow. How long a project is it?”
“Nine months to a year.”
Something in her tone alerted me to what she wasn’t saying.
“Will you have to rent a bigger space for the equipment you’ll be needing?” I asked.
“No.”
She lifted her gaze from the fire to mine. “I have to move back out west.”
It felt as if the earth shifted under my feet. Her face swam in front of me. “What?”
“I have to be on-site. Manage the whole thing.”
“For the whole project?”
“Yes.”
I started talking without thinking. “Maybe you can arrange something. Work here part of the time, fly there when needed. There’s Zoom, all sorts of ways around that.”
Her voice was flat. “Why would I want to ask for that?”
I was on my knees in front of her before she could blink.
“You know why, Casey. I’m here. We’re here . Our life together is here.”
“We’re just for now. You made that rule. You knew I’d be leaving.”
I cupped her face. “That was before you got under my skin. Before I fell in love with you.”
“No,” she whispered, pushing my hands away. “You don’t love me, Thorne. You’re reacting to what happened last night. You’re still upset over your family’s betrayal, and you’re clutching on to me like a lifeline. You don’t love me.”
I stood, now angry. “You can’t tell me how I feel. I love you. I think I’ve loved you since you crawled in that window and got stuck. You amaze me every day. You make me laugh.” I stepped closer. “You love me too. You’re just scared.”
“I am not. I don’t love you, Thorne. I don’t love anybody.”
“You loved Lou,” I pointed out.
“I loved Lou as a child. That was different.”
“You can’t go, Casey.”
“I’ve been working for something like this my entire life.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Then let’s work it out. Figure this out together. I can fly there. You can come home when?—”
She stopped me. “No, Thorne. That wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“Why are you fucking throwing us away?” I roared.
“There is no us.”
Her words were like daggers to my chest. The physical pain was real, and it hurt to breathe. I didn’t know how to get through to her. To tell her I knew she was scared. That I understood.
She looked at me, her eyes vacant.
It was too late—she was already gone.
“If you go, Casey, don’t come back. Your apartment won’t be there. I’ll move ahead with my plans and turn this into a single dwelling again.” I met her gaze, mine pleading. “I won’t wait.”
She sighed, the sound long and sad. “I didn’t ask you to.”
She turned and hurried away.
I didn’t sleep that night. I couldn’t stay in the house where she was. She’d closed the closet door, and when I had tried to open it, I’d found she had locked it as well, making her message clear.
Leave her alone. We were done.
I took Miller, and we left the driveway, my thoughts jumbled, my body feeling as if it was a hundred years old, and my heart aching.
I drove aimlessly, parking the truck and letting Miller wander to his heart’s content. He was going to miss his buddy. I supposed I could get him another cat to keep him company.
But how would I replace Casey?
Why was she refusing to admit she loved me? She showed it in a thousand little ways. I felt it. I was smart enough to know the difference between right now and forever. We belonged to the latter. We were meant for each other.
I sat down under the shade of an old tree, my legs too tired to keep me standing anymore.
Idly, I wondered how quickly she’d leave.
Would she pack up and be gone when I finished my next shift?
I’d only be gone two nights, but she didn’t know that yet.
She’d dropped her bombshell before I had a chance to tell her.
I’d wanted to tease her and tell her how I’d be around more. We’d have more time together.
Now, we had none.
I sat there until evening, feeding Miller his food and water I’d brought him.
I’d brought myself nothing except a bottle of the water I kept on hand in the fridge for Casey. She wouldn’t be drinking it now, so I figured I’d use it.
We drove home, pulling in as dusk settled. We went inside, and Miller headed straight to the pet door, disappearing before I could stop him. I decided to let it go. He’d have to adjust when she was gone.
I just didn’t know when that would be.
Sleep didn’t come any easier that night. I tossed and turned, my heart aching, my mind racing. I knew this was it for me. I wasn’t going to try a relationship again. Miriam had wounded me.
Losing Casey was going to shatter me. Completely.
By noon the next day, I couldn’t be in the house anymore, knowing she was on the other side of the wall, making plans to leave. I headed to the fire station, Miller with me, the chief looking at me in confusion. “You don’t start until tomorrow.”
“I’m volunteering,” I responded, walking past him. He didn’t stop me. I stayed busy all day, bunking in the quiet room, knowing sleep would be elusive. I managed some brief moments of rest but jerked awake more than once, her name on my lips.
The next two days were the busiest the station had been in a long time, and I was grateful.
I concentrated on my job, the tasks at hand, and my crew.
When my shift was over, I hated the idea of heading home, but knew I had to.
I also had to talk to Casey and find out her plans.
I knew it was going to kill me to be polite and distant, but I could do it for a brief time. I had to.
The bottom line was I loved her and she said she didn’t return those feelings. I had been the one to set the rules. When I had, I hadn’t expected to be the one to break them. It was usually Casey jumping over the lines I laid out in the sand. I wasn’t mad at her—I was too sad to be angry.
I shut my locker as Mark walked in, frowning when he looked at me.
“Coffee?” he asked.
“Sure.” I wasn’t in a hurry to get home.
We sat in the deserted kitchen, the brew hot and strong as it always was.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “You look like shit.”
I set down my cup and I told him. I let it all out. How it started, what had happened. How I felt.
“So, she’s leaving?” he asked when I was done.
I nodded, filling my cup again.
“Stop her.”
“How? Hold her captive?”
“Talk to her.”
“I tried.”
“Try again. Jesus, Jesse. She loves you too. Any idiot can see that. She’s scared. Find out what is scaring her and calm her fears.”
“She won’t tell me.”
“Then make her. You’ve changed since she came into your life. You’re different. Still a fucking grump, but you’re lighter. Happy. Don’t lose that.”
I scrubbed my face. “I think I already have.” I shook my head. “I regret it.”
“Telling her?”
“Well, that—but allowing myself to fall in love.”
He shook his head. “Never regret loving. It’s part of life. It’s part of what makes you, well, you. If I lost Linda, I’d never regret a moment I had with her. She makes my world better.” He shook my shoulder. “Just like Casey makes yours better.”
I sighed. “I thought I made hers better too. But I was wrong.”
“No, you weren’t. I know what I saw. Linda saw it too. Fuck, everyone who watched you did. Tell her again, Jesse. Fight for her.”
He stood.
“The regret is what will kill you, not loving her. It’ll eat at you. My advice? Don’t let that happen. Whatever you have to do, do it.”
CASEY