Chapter 31 #2
I stared at the contract on the desk in front of me.
It contained everything I had asked for.
Salary, bonuses, control. Even time off during the project.
Help in finding a place to live. Rent subsidy.
Everything. I had a month to get there and get settled.
Finish what I had on the go now and not accept any other projects until this one was done.
The website I could work on until it was complete.
But I had made great strides on it the past couple of days.
Since sleep was impossible, I stayed busy.
I rubbed my tired eyes, reaching for a pen. All I had to do was sign this, and the next step in my journey would begin. I had even had the weak argument of getting out of my lease—which didn’t exist, and they agreed to pay the two months I said Jesse needed.
Jesse.
Just thinking of his name hurt me.
He was so angry. I hurt him. I hurt him deeply. If he were talking to me right now, I was certain he’d tell me I’d hurt him more than his family had.
I hadn’t seen him since the night he’d told me he loved me. Begged me to stay. To find a way to handle the project but still be his.
I hung my head, feeling the exhaustion of the sleepless nights.
I needed to sign the contract, send it back, and start packing.
I had decided to hire movers. I wanted to take Lou’s sofa plus the items I had bought.
I didn’t have a lot of things, but anything I had of hers that Jesse had given me, I wanted to keep.
I would take my wind chimes from the side of the house. I was sure once I was gone, Jesse would tear down the ones in the tree. Burn them or toss them out.
I picked up the pen, my hand refusing to sign the papers.
Why couldn’t I sign?
I wiped at my cheeks, not surprised to feel them wet.
Why couldn’t I stop crying?
I sat back, frustrated. This was what I did. This was what I knew. I went from place to place. I skipped from town to town, never settling.
I didn’t know how to settle.
Jesse could show you, a voice whispered in my head. Jesse would love you the way you need to be loved. Completely. Always first.
I shook my head in frustration. That voice sounded like Lou, which was impossible. I couldn’t really recall what her voice sounded like, so how could I think it was hers?
I had spent some time in the woods, sitting on the fallen tree log.
Since we’d scattered her ashes, I’d found myself there a lot.
It was peaceful and lovely. I weeded her little garden and had planned to have Jesse help me outline it in rocks we gathered from around the yard and by the trail.
I had started but sadly realized it would probably never be finished.
The last two days, I hadn’t found peace there. I felt a constant pressure in my chest, as if someone were pushing on me. The breeze blew my hair around, tangling it in my face as if annoyed. It was as if the little spot knew I was leaving and was upset.
Which was impossible.
But I knew I was leaving, and I was upset.
I sighed and stood. I’d go for a walk and clear my head. When I got back, I’d sign the contract, and it would be complete. I’d move on. Once I was gone, Jesse would realize I had been right, and he’d move on as well.
I ignored the pain that reverberated in my chest.
It would eventually go away.
I was still unsettled after I walked for over an hour.
I cut through the woods, finding my way to Lou and Gerard’s spot, breaking through the trees in a different place.
I froze as I stepped into the clearing, seeing Jesse sitting there.
He stood, and we regarded each other silently.
With a sad sigh, I stepped closer. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here. ”
I moved past him, but he held out his hand. “Wait.”
I paused, aching for him to touch me. Knowing I didn’t have that right anymore but wanting it anyway.
“What, Jesse?” I whispered, my throat tight.
“I thought I’d find you here eventually. I’ve been waiting.”
“I didn’t know you were home.”
“I passed you in the truck, but you didn’t look up.”
“I was thinking.”
“About?”
“Jesse,” I pleaded. “Don’t.”
“I have to. I can’t let you leave and not try to make you understand. I love you.”
I shook my head, and he stepped in front of me, taking me by the shoulders.
“I do. I love you.”
I felt the tears building.
“Look at me.”
I lifted my chin, meeting his gaze. He looked as exhausted as I felt. Tormented. Sad.
“I know you’re scared, Pix. I am too. I worry I’m not enough for you. That you’ll feel the same way about me my family did. I know you think love has to hurt and that you’ll always come last, but not with me. You will always be first.”
I drew in a stuttering breath, unable to talk. He kept going.
“I know you’re afraid because of your mother. I won’t let you lose yourself. I love how we are together. We make the other person better. I don’t want you to lose that. Or change.
“Lou loved you. She put you first. She loved me because I was enough. She showed us the greatest example of love. She proved it was possible to be loved without pain.”
A sob escaped my mouth.
“If you need proof, here it is. I love you more than anything. I will give up my job here, my house, and my life and come with you so you can have your dream.”
I shook my head wildly. “No—you can’t?—”
He silenced me with a shake of his head. “I can. You mean more to me than any of that. I want to give you your dream. But I want to be a part of it.”
All I could do was cry.
“Tell me you want that, Pix.”
“I-I’m scared,” I admitted.
He smiled, his eyes softer now. “So am I.”
“You would do that?”
“Yes. And I have something else to prove how much I love you.”
He held out his hand, and I took it, something easing inside me as he touched me. He led me down the path to the front of the house and pointed to the porch. “I bought you that for here, there, wherever we live.”
That was a set of wind chimes. Possibly the most beautiful wind chimes I had ever seen.
Glistening crystals dripped from glass strings.
Silver and blue butterflies hung on invisible lines, their wings moving gracefully in the breeze, the sounds of the metal hitting the clapper a sweet noise.
I gasped when I realized there was more than one set.
Jesse had some on his side as well. Gold and green sang out in beautiful harmony.
“I will cover this house and these trees with them. You can have anything you want, Casey. All you have to do is ask.”
A memory stirred, long forgotten. Lou in front of me, holding a small pile of fur. Pink and fluffy, the fake rabbit was adorable. But I wasn’t allowed to have it. Mom had said no. But Lou held it out. “It’s for you. All you have to do is ask.”
I never asked. Mom always said no. But Lou smiled in understanding. “You have to love him.”
“I do.”
“Then be brave, Casey.”
A moment later, I held the bunny.
It had been with me through every move and still sat on my dresser. I had forgotten where it came from. Until now.
I looked at Jesse and saw the love. His desire. His need.
“I want you.”
He cupped my cheek. “Why? Tell me why, Pix.”
I swallowed, my voice shaking, my body trembling as I gave in to what I wanted. What I needed.
“I love you.”
Instantly, I was in his arms. Held tight to his chest as I wept. He scooped me up and carried me inside, holding me close. He let me cry, and I knew he was weeping too.
“I’m not letting you go, Pix. I’ll come with you. Nothing matters if you’re not with me.”
“I didn’t want to leave you. I was just too scared to believe. To ask.”
He pressed a kiss to my wet cheek. “You have me. I promise.”
“I love you,” I said again.
His smile was like sunshine after a rainstorm. Bright, beautiful. Mine.
“I love you,” he replied. “We’ll figure it all out.”
I buried my head into his neck.
“Okay.”