23. Harper #2
I force myself to smile at Holly before leaving the living room. Instead of heading in Felix’s direction, I take a different door, knowing he would have heard my decision to quit ballet. I don’t want to answer any questions or to be told that I’ll find my passion again.
I slip through the kitchen, head down the hall, and find myself in the home library. It’s spacious in here, with many nooks to hide in. The absolute last thing I want is for Paul to come searching and find me.
I disappear behind a long bookshelf, where it’s quiet and dark. I wish Tyler were here, holding me. He’d find some way to make me laugh. Maybe I’d reach up and kiss him. I’d let him slide beneath my panties to take the pain away.
No, I definitely wouldn’t. Given our grief, we haven’t spoken about us yet, or his letter.
I want us to be together, but I’m also scared of changing our relationship, turning it physical, then losing him if we don’t work out.
I’m forming a connection with Felix again, but there’s so much uncertainty with him.
He isn’t my safe place. That spot in my heart belongs to Tyler.
Closing my eyes, I lean back against a shelf and take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
But I’m too worked up now that Tyler is on my mind.
My thighs are tingling. The muscles in my groin ache.
I’m not ready to be with Tyler physically, but I can enjoy him in my imagination.
I need to feel something good right now. A distraction.
Alone in the library, I slip a hand beneath my dress and into my panties, letting out a quiet gasp when I rub my clit. Keeping my eyes closed, I imagine it’s Tyler touching me. His lips and his hot breath are on my neck, giving me chills.
I rub a little faster, clenching my lower core. A whimper leaves my lips when I let my mind wonder to thoughts I shouldn’t enjoy. The threesome at the party, with dozens of men watching. Except the threesome is happening between me, Tyler, and Felix.
My muscles quiver and I moan, feeling pleasure build within me. My hand moves faster, bringing me closer to the edge. My hips buck, desperate for release. The feeling between my legs is almost unbearable.
I don’t know why I’m turned on by the thought of something so vulgar. I’ve never had sex. Plain and simple missionary should be what gets me wet, but it’s the thought of being stuffed full with Tyler and Felix at the same time that sets me off.
Just as I’m about to climax, my eyes flutter open and I yelp at the sight of Felix, standing at the far end of the bookshelf I’m hidden behind, with his jaw tight as he watches me.
My heart races with panic when I hear Paul’s voice. “Is she in here?”
The approaching orgasm instantly disappears and I pull my hand from my panties, flustered as I glance through the bookshelf, trying to gauge where Paul is.
Felix darts to me, covering a hand over my mouth while his erection juts into my stomach. “No, Paul,” he calls out casually, pausing to bring my fingers into his mouth, sucking my arousal off them. “Why don’t you try the rooftop?”
Paul’s footsteps recede. The door closes with him. I don’t know how I never heard anyone enter the library. I thought I was being careful. Obviously, I was too consumed with my fantasies.
Once Felix and I are alone, he releases his hand from my mouth and makes a soft tutting sound. “Desperate little thing. Can’t even wait till your guests leave before you’re fingering yourself. What got you so worked up?”
I lower my head, averting my gaze with shame. “I don’t think I should say.”
His laugh is smug. “If it’s Tyler, that’s understandable. He’s a good fuck. I’ve seen firsthand.”
My eyes flare, remembering, hating that Tyler has been with other girls.
“You’re cute when you’re territorial.” Felix slides my panties down, dropping the lacy fabric to the ground.
I love the fire in his dark green eyes as he watches me. Whatever he’s about to do, I need it.
Without asking, Felix’s fingers thrust inside me. I gasp at the sharp but pleasurable stretch.
“That’s it. Let me hear how good it feels. My bedsheets are stained with cum from how much I’ve been jerking off over you.”
My inner muscles clench around his fingers at the confession. I’m so sensitive from the orgasm I was about to have moments ago, it won’t take much to make me come.
“I was thinking about you too,” I whimper. “Both of you.”
“That’s my good girl.” His fingers are rough and relentless with me, pushing me closer to my peak. “Have you let Tyler fuck you with his fingers yet?”
I shake my head, my words breathless. “I want to but I’m scared.”
“I’ll tell you again, you’re not going to lose Tyler. Ride his cock, then come ride mine. My brother has the bluest balls over you. He needs his cock taken care of. You need him too.”
Felix’s words are thrilling and everything I want to hear. At the same time, they’re so wrong. I can’t be with two men, let alone two brothers. How can they be happy with this arrangement? It’s far too intimate for brothers.
“He’d fuck you so good, Harper. Perhaps I’ll watch. I know how you like being watched. You’ve always loved dancing for an audience. You want to have sex with an audience too, don’t you? You’d look so pretty getting fucked. I’d jerk off while watching you be filled with his cum.”
The thought of Felix watching me having sex with Tyler pushes me over the edge and I’m suddenly coming on his fingers so hard that I black out for a second and have to be held upright.
Felix trails kisses along my jaw as I work hard to catch my breath.
When the last shudders of my orgasm subside, I slip back to reality, able to stand on my own again.
He retrieves my wet panties from the floor and pockets them to keep for himself.
I don’t mind, and lean against the bookshelf, dazed and smiling as I watch him, addicted to this man.
The high instantly fades. This is the third time Felix and I have been intimate without Tyler knowing and it feels wrong.
Felix tucks a lock of hair behind my ear.
“You and Tyler have a lot more in common than you think. Deep down, he’s just as much of a freak as you.
He’s been suppressing that side of himself because he’s trying to be the man you want.
Tyler would do or be anything for you. Show him who you really are.
Harper, he is so goddamn in love with you. ”
Felix’s words are supposed to be encouragement, but I frown, saddened that Tyler feels he can’t be his true self with me. I haven’t been honest about myself either. I’ve spent so many years suppressing the sexual side within me because it feels like a sin.
I can’t imagine speaking these taboo fantasies to Tyler. It’s embarrassing and doesn’t fit our dynamic. Maybe Felix is the only person who can bring out this side of me because there was no transition from friends to sex with him. For us, it was angst that led us to this place.
The realization brings up questions for Felix I’ve been avoiding.
We haven’t spoken about what this is between us and where it’s heading.
We’re caught in a stagnant phase where our life is consumed with grief and we’re finding comfort in each other.
But time will pass. Life will move on. The issues that made us fall apart all those years ago will once again return.
I look up into Felix’s eyes, nervous as I ask the important questions. “You’re pushing for me and Tyler to be together, but what about us? How do you feel about me? How are we going to last?”