5. Ally
CHAPTER FIVE
ALLY
“Last, but not least, I would like to welcome Alexandra Hastings to the Performing Arts faculty.” Headmistress Sinclair speaks into her microphone, addressing all staff in a rigid manner.
She’s on the elderly side of middle-aged and has a grey bob. I’ve been sitting in this auditorium for an hour, listening to her welcome all staff back for the new school year and our preparatory week before students return, and not once has she smiled, which does nothing for my nerves.
“Alexandra will be filling the position of Sacred Heart’s piano teacher.”
I stand from my chair in the auditorium—as every other new member of staff has during this meeting—and try not to turn red in the face as everyone looks at me. Mission failed. I can feel how hot my cheeks are. The knowledge that I’m turning red makes me even hotter. I smile, give an awkward wave, and quickly sit back down.
“We’re very lucky to have Alexandra. She’s just completed the DeLacroix Scholarship in Paris. A fun fact about Alexandra—” Her bland tone leads me to believe there is nothing fun about to leave her mouth, and I swear, I’ve never heard my full name spoken so many times in the space of a minute. “She’s also Killian Blackwood’s sister. So, she’ll fit in nicely here. Please do introduce yourself and make her feel at home.”
“ Alexandra , you’re red,” Killian whispers from beside me, holding in a laugh.
I draw my hair forward to shield my cheeks. “You’re not helping the situation.”
The headmistress says a few final words, wishing us luck for the upcoming academic year, then the welcome meeting is over and staff begin to disperse from the auditorium.
Sacred Heart is the exact type of high school I was sent to. A private, Catholic, all-girls school, with many students who board, teachers who wear suits to work and drive expensive cars, and parents who pay upward of 100K for their daughter’s education. Coming from no money, my uncle Daxton paid for my education until Mom met Josh, of course.
Killian has been at Sacred Heart for one year, working as an athletics coach, and when he told me the school was looking for a private piano teacher, I knew it was a good opportunity. No education degree is needed for my particular role. Sacred Heart offered me a teaching position as soon as Killian mentioned the DeLacroix scholarship.
The argument that took place between me and Dan last night at dinner plays on my mind, about me throwing away my dreams of studying the piano at Juilliard. My anxiety of auditions is definitely a deterrent. The panic attacks started when I was a kid and lived through the violence that Mom’s boyfriend brought into our home. He never touched me, but I witnessed a lot of physical abuse against my mother .
I learned from my childhood therapist that I’m triggered by stressful environments where I feel trapped and have a loss of control. In my senior year of high school, I auditioned for Juilliard and couldn’t get through my performance without seizing up.
Juilliard is a dream I’m sad to give up on, but it’s not just auditioning that’s standing in my way anymore. The truth is, I don’t think I’m cut out for Juilliard. Though I was studying alongside college students at the Conservatoire, the course I completed wasn’t a degree. It was a preparatory year for students who have promising potential and was an eye-opening experience, emphasizing how I’m a small fish in a big pond.
My studies in Paris were taxing and pushed some real-world sense into me. Teaching is a safer option. Yes, I could work on my fear of auditioning and rejection, but I don’t see the point when barely any college graduates go on to be successful musicians.
I follow Killian’s lead as he moves into the aisle of the auditorium. Anyone would think I’d be at ease entering a new job where I already have an established relationship with one colleague. Perhaps Killian’s presence does help a little, but I still feel out of sorts. Everywhere I look, staff are at least twenty years my senior. They all have an expression on their faces as though they’re frustrated and stressed, and like anything I say to them will be a burden.
This is the first job I’ve ever had, and I feel so inexperienced. Even appearance wise, I look too young to be teaching here when I could pass for a student myself. I don’t possess the authoritative nature that all teachers should have. There’s no way I can control a bunch of students, which makes me nervous for the extra-curricular orchestras I’ll be conducting. Thankfully, the majority of my role at Sacred Heart is to teach one-on-one piano lessons.
But the icing on the top of the cake—what makes me feel like even more of a child—is that Mom insisted on driving me to work this morning, like it was my first day of school and she was proud of her big girl. I don’t have my driver’s license. Mom and Josh said they’ll organize a car service to deliver me to and from work each day, but I’d rather just walk.
“Hey, you didn’t meet me for that morning jog we planned,” Killian says.
“Sorry, it slipped my mind. I didn’t get any sleep last night. You know, stressing over my first day here.”
“No worries. You think you’ll be up for tomorrow morning?”
“Yeah, tomorrow should be fine,” I tell Killian, even though waking up at five a.m. every weekday to go jogging on the beach isn’t my idea of fun. But I made a promise to be his jogging partner and I’ll keep it.
He’s only one year older than Dan, so we get along well. I get along well with Felix and Tyler, too, but they’d already moved out of home by the time Mom and Josh started dating, so I haven’t spent as much time with them.
“Hey, Killian,” a feminine voice calls out over the hum of staff greeting each other after their summer break.
I turn in the voice’s direction, finding the only other young person in this auditorium. She wears a nice smile on her face and looks to be in her early twenties. She’s slender, with brown hair in a tight bun, a black pencil skirt, white blouse, and heels.
“Violet, hey.” Killian greets her with a hug. “Ally, this is one of the dance teachers. You two will be in the same staff room. ”
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” My voice wobbles mid-sentence.
“You too. It will be nice to have another young person to work with.”
“You two might get along well,” Killian says. “Violet is an ex-ballerina. She’s an incredible dancer. Used to dance for the New York City Ballet.”
She rolls her eyes and nudges him. “Stop being embarrassing. I was an incredible dancer. Career-ending injury. So, teaching it is.” She grimaces and laughs.
A career-ending injury would be devastating. I want to offer Violet my apologies, but perhaps the topic is inappropriate to talk about, seeing as we don’t know each other. I could ask her what ballets she’s danced in. I’ve never been to a live ballet before but I’ve always loved music from Swan Lake and The Nutcracker . Maybe I should mention that Tyler’s girlfriend dances in the New York City Ballet and they probably know each other.
“Hey, I went on a date on Saturday night,” Violet says to Killian.
Crap, I missed my chance to say something. This is what it’s always like for me around new people. Overthinking and planning what to say. I have this constant inner dialogue critiquing every tiny detail about our interaction and how the other person perceives me. It’s exhausting. I wish I could speak freely but my brain freezes up.
“The date was terrible,” Violet continues. “I can’t wait to tell you about it. You’ll laugh.”
Killian is already laughing. “I look forward to this story. You want to catch up for drinks tonight after work?”
“Yes! That sounds great. Ally, you’ll come too, right?”
“I, um… Yeah, okay.” A burst of unease hits me in the chest at the thought of more socializing. I try to convince my self the outing won’t be that bad, not with Killian to carry the conversation.
“Great,” Violet says. “I have to do some work in the library now but I’ll see you two tonight.”
As Violet walks toward the exit, I notice Killian’s eyes trail after her.
“You into Violet or something?” I ask, low enough for only Killian’s ears. Surely she’s into him too. Killian is charismatic. He has dark hair, like Dan, and a friendly face. I’m sure half the students here have a crush on him.
Killian looks back at me and shakes his head. “She’s attractive but I wouldn’t go there.”
“Why not?”
“One thing you’ll learn about working at Sacred Heart is that you’re always on show and one step out of line will get you in deep shit. Staff relationships are highly frowned upon. Anything that isn’t the utmost respectable behavior is frowned upon.” He leans in, lowering his voice. “Listen, you didn’t hear this from me, but last year one of the female staff got pregnant and it was rumored she’d been having an affair with a married teacher in the math department.”
“Was it true?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. But they both lost their jobs over the rumor.”
“How is that allowed?”
“When parents are paying as much as they do for an education at Sacred Heart, the school does anything to keep them happy. Staff reputation is everything here.”
I gulp, intimidated by Killian’s story.
He laughs. “Don’t look so worried. You have the cleanest record of anyone on this planet.”
“Yeah, aside from being caught at a strip club.”
Someone steps up behind me, and a cold chill runs down my spine. “Yes, I heard about your weekend fun, Alexandra.”
My stomach tightens as I turn around and see Headmistress Sinclair. “I can explain. It was a complete misunderstanding. I wasn’t?—”
“I do hope so,” she cuts me off. I try to maintain my confidence, like an adult should. But her reprimand makes me feel like I’m one of the students at Sacred Heart. “Alexandra, I am quite aware the media makes incorrect reports. What I have no tolerance for is when a staff member’s name brings a bad reputation upon the school. Make sure you are not placing yourself in a position where misinformation can spread. This will not happen again, will it?”
“No. It won’t.”
“I’m glad we have an understanding. We’re very pleased to have such an esteemed musician such as yourself teaching at Sacred Heart.”
I nod. I’m so nervous the gesture almost turns into a bow. “I’m very grateful to be working here.”
“Killian, I trust you can show Alexandra to the Performing Arts staff room.”
“Yes, I’ll take care of her.”
“Very well.” Headmistress Sinclair walks off without another word, and I feel about two feet tall.
The comforting smell of garlic and rosemary fills the house as soon as I step through the front door. Josh is right behind me, having picked me up from work in his car. I planned on walking home, but when the hour grew late due to new staff induction meetings, Josh insisted I get a lift with him, worrying about my safety walking alone at night.
My mother’s high heels click on the marble floor and she appears from the kitchen wearing a Chanel dress and cooking apron, along with pearl earrings. “Honey, how was your first day of work?”
She looks so excited for me. I fake a smile to please her. “Amazing.”
“They’ve got you working hard, staying back till seven-thirty. I can’t wait to hear all about it over dinner. I’ve made your favorite, garlic chicken.”
“Thanks. Do you mind if we eat a little later? It’s been a long day and I need a moment to myself.”
“Of course. Take your time.” She places a kiss on my cheek, then takes Josh’s hand, leading him into the kitchen.
I climb the stairs to my bedroom, each step a struggle, being drained of energy. Killian and Violet are meeting up for drinks right this minute but I can’t find it within myself to join them. I enter my room, not bothering to turn the light on, and send Killian a quick apology text before collapsing onto my bed.
A moment later, my phone starts buzzing with an incoming call. I press the phone to my ear. “Killian, I’m sorry. I’m so exhausted?—”
“Wrong brother.”
My eyes flash open at the smooth sound of Dan’s voice. A flicker of nerves coil deep within me in places Dan should have no impact over.
If I’d taken any notice of the caller ID and known Dan was calling, I probably wouldn’t have answered. After the way things were left between us yesterday, I have a feeling this conversation will take a lot of effort that I don’t currently have the capacity for. I don’t even know how he feels about the way I left for Paris, but he can’t be pleased.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Yeah. I won’t keep you long if you’re tired. I just wanted to tell you I’ve been thinking about our argument from last night. And, look, I don’t want things to be weird between us. I’m glad you’re back from Paris. I’ve missed having you around this last year as a friend. I don’t want what happened in the past to ruin things for us… as friends.”
The way he clarifies the friends part twice makes me hopeful. We can’t have repeats of what happened before Paris, especially when more is at stake now. If two teachers got fired from Sacred Heart due to the rumor of an affair, I’d for sure lose my job if it ever leaked that I’m involved with Dan.
“Now that we’ve got that sorted, how was your first day of work?”
“Tough,” I sigh. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear the boring details of my life.”
“Oh, come on.” There’s a trace of amusement in his voice. I visualize Dan on the other end of this phone call, maybe in bed like me, with a lazy grin sitting on his lips and his body drenched in that neon blue light. “I need a rundown of the scandalous shit Ally Hastings gets up to when I’m not around. What did they make you do at work today—get a staff badge, sign up for playground duty?”
I laugh at the way he teases me. Of course, only Dan can make me laugh after a day like today. I’ve missed this side of him and it’s so nice to finally get it back. When Dan and I first met, I was awkward around him but he had a way of breaking down my barriers. He took an interest in my music, so far as to request I give him piano lessons. I told him about the bullying and my lack of friends, so he took it upon himself to walk me home from school every day so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. We bonded over the sadness of how we both have a deceased parent we’ve never known. With our parents dating, Dan was always around, and I grew attached to him quickly.
Everyone always assumes I hung around him so much because I had no other friends, not because I had inappropriate feelings for him.
Have inappropriate feelings. They’re still here and I hate that they are. I just wish I was normal. A normal girl with normal friends and a normal boyfriend.
“Okay, what scandalous shit did I get up to at work today?” I roll onto my elbows, my feet gently kicking in the air as I think about a response. “Well, this isn’t work related but Killian and I have started a thing. Five a.m. jogging sessions.”
“You have a thing with Killian? I’m jealous. You and I need a thing.”
The deep sound of Dan’s voice gives me butterflies, his tone amused, even teasing, like he’s flirting with me. Maybe he is. I don’t know. It’s hard to distinguish between what is normal, friendly behavior with me and Dan since he’s always spoken to me like this, even before anything sexual happened between us.
“Okay, fine. What do you want our thing to be?” I ask.
“We talk on the phone every night.”
My eyes widen. My legs stop kicking. “Isn’t that a bit excessive?” Like something a boyfriend and girlfriend would do.
“This is us, Ally. Nothing is excessive.”
Us .
Why does that word have to sound so good coming out of his mouth?
When I don’t reply, Dan speaks again, his voice low and intimate but with a firmness to it. “You ran away from me for a year and it fucking hurt, Ally. I understand why you did it, but now that you’re back, we don’t just continue as strangers. You and I used to talk all the time, even before you started getting off on being naked in front of me.”
“Dan,” I gasp, trying to ignore how my inner thigh muscles clench. “Don’t speak about that?—”
“I know, sis. Relax,” he chuckles. “Clean slate between us. No weirdness. We’re just friends now. Brother and sister.”
“You’re kind of being a jerk right now.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I won’t answer.” I end the call without saying goodbye, annoyed at the buzz of excitement that’s swarming through me, pooling in my groin. Annoyed that despite what I say, I know myself and I’ll most definitely be answering Dan’s phone call tomorrow night.