6. Ally
CHAPTER SIX
ALLY
My fingers press the final keys of Chopin’s Fantaisie-Impromptu , the music fades, and a gentle applause spreads through the audience of the Forever Families benefit. I gaze around the art gallery, at everyone dressed in their sparkling gowns and tuxedos, and find a room full of smiles directed at me.
Cameras flash. My photo will be in the news tomorrow, but I don’t mind the attention when it’s for a good cause. Plus, I love performing. For me, it’s nothing like an audition. There’s no stress involved nor do I feel trapped. Performing doesn’t come with rejection and disappointment. My skill pleases people and makes them happy. They praise me and I feel accepted, even if only for a short period.
I stand and bow, soaking up their approval. The weekend is here and giving this piano performance is the first time since starting work at Sacred Heart that I’ve felt some sense of normality. The preparatory week has been a huge adjustment. I’m not sleeping properly because of the stress. Each day at school, I walk around on eggshells trying to act professional and impress the staff. At night, I arrive home late due to the overwhelming workload. I haven’t had a single moment to myself where I can practice my music. I’m constantly tired and hating on life except for that moment each night when I see Dan’s incoming call appear on my phone.
To my surprise and relief, he behaves himself on the phone. We tell each other about our day. We laugh and vent about our issues. It feels good to have him as a friend and brother again even though things are still a little weird between us. I keep using those labels, hoping they’ll ward off this never-ending attraction I have for him. Each night, when I lie in bed and listen to his deep voice through the speaker, I try to block out the memories of our past. I fail every time. There is no blocking out the way Dan makes me feel.
When our calls end, my hand finds its way beneath my panties and I fuck my fingers, just like Dan taught me to. Maybe that’s the base of the issue. I’ll never get over Dan if I keep giving myself orgasms to the thought of him. But when I get in those moods, I’m so desperate and worked up over him, I’ll do anything to find release.
Once the applause for my piano performance fades, the evening continues with wait staff handing out champagne to the guests. Polite chatter takes place among the crowd, and there’s gentle background music.
“Honey, that was wonderful.” Mom joins my side as I fold down the piano lid. “Thank you so much for playing. Everyone loved it.”
“I’m always happy to help out at these events.”
“Careful. I might hold you to your word. We have a lot of upcoming events over the next few months.”
“I’ll perform at all of them.” They’ll be the only performance opportunities I have from now on .
“Wonderful, honey. Okay, I have to run through my speech one more time. Wish me luck. How do I look?”
Absolutely stunning. She’s both sophisticated and powerful in a gown the color of lilac flowers. I helped Mom choose her outfit. She picked out a dress for me too. It’s pastel pink with a large bow at the back, short puffy princess sleeves, and knee-length tulle for the skirt. The dress is girly and a little flirty and I love it. We spent the afternoon getting dressed together, curling each other’s hair and doing our makeup.
As for this speech she’s giving tonight, I listened to her rehearse at home, recounting all the struggles she went through with her ex, how she was a young, single mom without much of an income and didn’t know how to leave their toxic relationship, but how she found the strength for me. She didn’t believe there was a man she could ever open her heart to again, but her love for Josh and his sons proved her wrong. She speaks about how she was fortunate to have the support of family members when she left her ex but that many victims of domestic violence don’t have support, and that’s why Forever Families has opened a shelter for victims seeking refuge. The speech is so inspiring it made me teary.
“You look incredible, Mom. Strong and like no one would dare lay a hand on you.”
She holds my shoulder, smiling at me with sentiment.
“What’s that look for?” I ask.
“Nothing. You’ve just grown into such a beautiful young lady. Though, you’ll always be my little girl. Your father would be proud.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
She babies me too much, but I let Mom do her thing, knowing it makes her happy. I’m surprised she let me live in Paris for a year, though I didn’t go without almost daily phone calls from her checking up on me.
My whole life, I’ve strived to please my mother and be the perfect daughter for her. When we lived with her ex, she was always so sad, and I quickly learned the best way to bring life back to her eyes and a smile on her face was if I excelled at school and performed well on the piano. I was her only happiness during that dark period. When Josh entered my life, my desire to please Mom spread to him too, and he was more than receptive, proud to have a role model child.
In a depressing way, sometimes it feels like Mom and Josh only like me when I act in a certain manner. It’s not just them, but the public too. The media. Everyone here tonight. They all praise me when I’m the picture-perfect daughter. The talented musician.
Not Dan.
He likes me however I am.
The more fucked up I am, the more he likes me.
A tightness coils low within me just thinking about my most depraved moments with him. The moments when I feel most alive. I wish those moments didn’t feel so wrong.
I brush my hair back from my shoulders, attempting to cool myself down from thoughts of Dan, and return my focus to Mom. “Speaking of my dad, did you ever find that photo of him?” The only photo we have of the three of us, taken in the hospital when I was born. It used to sit in our living room and I’d look at it every day. When we moved in with Josh, the photo somehow got misplaced and we haven’t seen it in years. We don’t speak about my father a whole lot, but the last time he was mentioned, Mom said she was going to do a deep clean through our home in the city to find it.
“Honey, I don’t know where that photo has gone. But I promise you we will find it. Okay, I really need to practice this speech one last time. Killian is around here somewhere if you want someone to talk to.”
He catches my eye in the distance, talking to a girl. From the way they’re smiling at each other, I’ll take a guess that he’s chatting her up, which I have no plans to interrupt.
“I’m fine. I’d like to step outside for some fresh air.”
We part ways and I head out to the balcony where the lights are dim and the ocean waves drown out the voices of everyone inside the gallery. After a deep breath of the salty sea breeze, I step up to the railing and rest my forearms on the banister, gazing out at the night and feeling so… lonely and miserable, even while being surrounded by hundreds of people at this evening’s event.
Within a few moments, my vision adjusts to the night and I gaze out at the moon’s shimmering reflection on the dark sea. Below me, on the shoreline, a bunch of people are on the beach. They’re young, perhaps younger than me, all scattered along the sand and heading to the left. I follow their trail with my eyes, finding a bonfire party farther down the beach.
People are dancing around the flames. They’re drinking and making out. A guy strips out of his clothes, completely naked, and people cheer as he runs into the water for what looks like a dare.
This is the exact kind of party Dan would always be at back in high school. I went along with him once and it was horrible. I didn’t fit in, and it felt like Dan was babysitting me, making sure I had someone to talk to. While we were socializing in a group, he was bringing up topics that I’m interested in but that no one else cared for. I could tell none of the girls actually wanted to talk to me. It was Dan they were after, and it made me feel even more pathetic than I am.
I can’t blame Dan when he was only trying to take care of me. But knowing how awkward I am, that I needed someone to hold my hand at a party, made me freeze up and be even less able to talk, and ended with a panic attack. I hated that I was a burden to Dan.
After that, I never attended one of those parties again.
I thought I would grow out of this inability to socialize. That Paris would change something within me. But here we are. Still as awkward as ever.
I’ve been so focused on music as a means for dealing with the loneliness, but looking out at the beach party, I can’t lie to myself. I’m jealous. I want everything I see on that beach. The friends. The physical intimacy. The fun. All of it. Being a reckless teenager feels like a rite of passage I missed out on.
I want… Dan. More than anything. But that’s not going to happen. I can’t allow it to happen.
None of these things can happen while I’m kept under such close scrutiny by Sacred Heart and have a reputation to uphold for Forever Families.
“Hey, Ally, you were incredible on that piano.”
The voice makes me jolt. It’s male, young, and vaguely familiar. I turn around, finding a guy with a friendly smile, dressed in a suit, and with blond hair. I recognize him a second later—the guy from the plane. The one I’d been sitting next to, and who had walked with me into the terminal. We parted ways right before I saw Dan.
The two of us barely exchanged any details on the flight. Despite thinking he was attractive and wanting to have a proper discussion with him, the conversation consisted of awkward chit-chat on my behalf about the in- flight entertainment and how the airplane food tasted decent for once. I assumed I’d never see him again, especially after the awkward handshake I initiated at the end, and I haven’t thought about him since.
But now he’s here. What are the chances.
The guy’s name is Ben George, if my memory is correct.
“George, hi.”
His smile broadens. “It’s Ben. My last name is George.”
“I knew that. Sorry.” I cringe on the inside. I’m off to a real great start with this conversation.
“So, you’re like an amazing pianist. That performance inside was incredible.”
“Thank you. My mother is a founder of Forever Families. She asked me to play tonight.”
“Yeah,” he laughs. “I figured from the introduction she gave for your performance.”
Of course he knew that. Everyone here knows that.
“She said you studied music in Paris?”
“Yes. Do you… live in The Hamptons?”
“Yeah, I was vacationing in Paris for the summer. Back to work now.”
“What do you do?” I ask.
“I’m a chef at a restaurant my parents own. And you? You must be a concert pianist or something incredible.”
“Oh, no. I just started a new job at Sacred Heart. It’s… teaching. I’m a piano teacher. Uh… obviously. Sorry.”
He smiles with this look in his eyes, similar to how he looked at me on the plane, like he thinks I’m being endearing. “You know, ever since we had that good chat about airplane food, I’ve regretted not asking for your number.”
It takes me a second too long to realize he’s making a joke about the food conversation. As for the part about my number, he seems genuine. I try to think of a reply, but I’m so shocked that he’s interested in me, nothing leaves my mouth.
“You’re very pretty,” he says. “Would you like to hang out some time?”
Like, as a date? My stomach flutters with a mixture of excitement but also fear. The one time a guy ever asked if I’d like to hang out, I was fourteen and eager, until it turned out to be a dare from one of the girls at school. Ask the loser girl on a date. Kiss her, catch it on camera, and spread the video around school for everyone to laugh over.
“Um… sure. Yes. That would be nice.” Maybe it’s wrong of me to agree when I’m so caught up in my feelings for Dan. But how will I ever get over Dan if I don’t at least try to be with another guy?
Ben retrieves his phone from his pocket. “What are your digits?”
I tell him my phone number, then a moment later my phone buzzes. “Ah, sorry, someone is calling me. Excuse me.”
He laughs again. “Yeah, it’s me.”
My neck prickles. Wow. Kill me now. This is worse than the awkward handshake. “Oh, okay. Thanks.”
“Are you free next weekend?”
“Yes.”
“Great. I’ll text you and we’ll set something up.”
“That will be good.” I need to end this interaction before saying anything else embarrassing. “I, um… I should see if my mom needs help with her speech. She’s… a founder of Forever Families.” Shit. I already said that. The nervous talking is shining through.
Another laugh. “Okay. See you later, Ally.”
“Bye, George. I mean Ben.” Oh my God. I need to get out of here right this second .
As soon as I’m out of sight, I run for the ladies’ restroom and lock myself in a stall, burying my hands through my hair as I cringe something shocking.
A text message beeps on my phone.
No Caller ID
Hey, it’s George :P You’re pretty cute and funny. I’m looking forward to hanging out with you next weekend.
Ben wasn’t frightened off? He actually thinks I’m cute and funny and wants to see me after that disastrous encounter?
What on earth am I supposed to do? I need help. Expert help because I have no clue what I’m doing.