19. Ally
CHAPTER NINETEEN
ALLY
This is why I left for Paris, because my attraction to Dan brings out the worst in me. What the fuck is wrong with me, letting him finger me within such close proximity to our family.
I get dressed for my date, telling myself that tonight when I’m with Liam, I won’t think about Dan. I will enjoy my time with Liam. I will be present with him. We’ll pick things up right where we left off, with good conversation, laughs, kisses, and if he does end up touching me, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it as much as I did with Dan. Perhaps I’ll enjoy it more since there’s nothing wrong about me and Liam being together.
When I return downstairs an hour later, everyone has relocated to the living room, dried off from the pool and back in their clothes, chatting among themselves and grazing on a charcuterie board. I don’t look at Dan, though I feel his eyes on me.
A text message arrives from Liam, letting me know his band has finished their gig here in The Hamptons and he’ll be at my house in fifteen minutes to pick me up. I send a reply, telling Liam I’m excited to see him, and to message me from his truck when he arrives and I’ll come out to him.
While I wait, Daxton insists it’s time for our piano competition. Though I’m all nerves and jittery about being in the same room as Dan, I agree, thankful for any excuse to not talk to Dan. Daxton and I sit together on the piano stool and race through scales while everyone continues their conversations.
For the first time ever, Daxton beats me at scales.
Everyone in the living room notices.
Of course they do. I’m the annoying family member who, at fifteen, made them all watch me play advanced scales with ease while blindfolded.
“Nerves about tonight.” I try to laugh my failure off, using the date as an excuse.
“Sure, blame the nerves,” Daxton teases.
Everyone returns to their conversations, spread out among the couches. I glance at Dan. He’s sitting by Killian and is already looking at me—at my body, more accurately—while mindlessly shuffling his neon cards. I glare at him, sending a warning not to look at me like that around our family.
“On a serious note, you look beautiful.” Daxton’s words draw me back to the moment. “If Liam does anything to hurt you, I’ve got a shovel.”
“What’s your plan for getting home tonight, honey?” Mom adds, stepping up to the piano. “Have you organized a car service to drive you back here?”
“Yes, all sorted,” I say.
“Don’t leave too late. I don’t like the idea of you being on the road late at night with such a long journey back here. Maybe you can stay at Dan’s place for the night. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind having you. Dan, is that okay? ”
“I’d love to have her stay with me,” he answers from across the room in such a casual tone. “We’ll find some way to have fun.”
I bite my cheek, working hard not to blush at the hidden meaning behind his words. I don’t know whether to take Dan up on the offer. I agreed to give him all my firsts. The quicker we have sex, the quicker I’m able to move on from this obsession with him. On the other hand, it feels wrong to be on a date with Liam then immediately get naked for Dan.
“I don’t want to impose on Dan,” I say. “I won’t be late.”
The doorbell rings. I shoot to my feet, panicked that Liam didn’t stay in the car like I asked. “Okay, bye, everyone.”
“Don’t be silly,” Josh says, joining my mother beside the piano. “Bring Liam inside for us to meet.”
“Ah, no. It’s okay.”
“Ally, darling,” Mom adds. “I’d like to know who my daughter is dating.”
Ugh. “Fine. This will only be a quick introduction.”
I leave everyone in the living room and answer the front door, shutting it behind me to block out any curious eyes from the family.
Liam grins at me and weaves our fingers. “Hey, gorgeous.” He’s dressed in jeans, a white tee, and an unbuttoned navy-blue shirt rolled to the elbows. His lips brush against mine in a gentle kiss, which I’m sure would feel nice if I could relax right now. Liam looks me up and down in my baby blue dress and whistles. “Man, am I one lucky guy. Mozart would be jealous.”
“Mozart?” I laugh.
“I’ve been reading up on your kind of music. Turns out, Mozart was quite the ladies’ man. I even listened to a podcast about him. It mentioned some movie about him called Amadeus , which won eight Oscars. I need to check it out.”
“I love that movie!” My words come out an octave higher as a sudden burst of excitement takes over. “Will you watch it with me? I’ve seen it more times than I can count but that’s beside the point. Mozart is my favorite composer and I need someone in my life who appreciates his genius ways.”
Liam’s grin stretches wider. “We’ll definitely watch it together. You like him that much? Maybe I should be the jealous one.”
“He holds a special place in my heart. I see aspects of myself in Mozart. The man was said to have social issues and was misunderstood as a person. It’s theorized he had Tourette’s or maybe OCD. Not that I have those disorders but…” I cringe, realizing I’m going into far too much detail and am most definitely freaking Liam out. “Okay, wow, that was a weird thing to say. It’s just that I have anxiety issues—” Jesus Christ, can I shut up already before making this worse.
He doesn’t lose the grin. “Not weird at all. I like learning about you. Though, I’m surprised to hear those things. You always seem pretty relaxed and easy to talk to.”
By some miracle, it seems I’ve made a good impression on Liam. I take a steadying breath, telling myself to calm down. This is nice with Liam, talking to him about my music passion. “You’re actually one of the few people I’m able to talk to with ease. You know, I’ve been listening to your kind of music too. I think I’m becoming a fan of smooth jazz.”
There were a range of jazz styles played at the club Liam took me to last weekend. It was a fun night that I’ve barely had a chance to reflect on, considering how tied up I’ve been with Dan. The jazz club was a free-spirited place, thriving with energy from the musicians and audience and nothing like the meticulous classical performances I’m so used to attending. During my odd moments of spare time throughout the week, I listened to some of the music from that night and have started forming an appreciation for it.
“If you’re getting a taste for smooth jazz, I’ve got a whole list of songs to share with you,” Liam says. “Come on. You ready to hit the road?”
“Uh, my parents want to meet you. Is that okay?”
“Sure. Lead the way.”
I return inside with Liam’s hand in mine. When we arrive in the living room, I retrieve my hand, feeling awkward about the intimacy in front of my family and especially Dan. All eyes are on us and it’s daunting, to say the least. Before I have a chance to introduce Liam, Josh holds out his hand to shake.
“Liam, nice to meet you. I’m Josh Blackwood. This is my wife, Amabella, and our four sons.” He names each one of them, introducing Harper, too, and finishes with Daxton and Jordan.
Felix nods at Liam. “Some of us are already acquainted. Liam’s band often plays at my cocktail lounge.”
“Oh, lovely,” Mom says, not aware of the speakeasy. “Liam, we’ll have to organize for your band to play at one of the upcoming Forever Families benefits.”
“Definitely. We’re always looking for gigs.”
Liam wraps an arm around my shoulder, continuing to engage in polite conversation with everyone. My hands fidget behind my back, my palms sweating from Liam’s stance. To make matters worse, I can feel Dan’s eyes boring into me. I steal a glance at him, but he doesn’t notice, too busy glaring at Liam.
“Ally tells us you play the double bass,” Mom says. “It’s so lovely she’s found someone with similar interests as her.”
Liam winks at me, teasing. “Yes, except Ally knows nothing about jazz other than a few artists from her coin collection.”
“Oh, The Greats of Music.” Mom gives an excited clap. “Did Ally tell you she almost has the complete collection?”
“Yes. I’m dying to see it. I have all the jazz artist coins except Gershwin.”
“Ally, bring your collection downstairs to show Liam.”
This whole interaction with my parents is downright humiliating, like I’m seven years old and they’re proud of showing me off. I’m bright red in the face, I can feel it, and escape for my bedroom immediately. When I return, Liam is sitting comfortably in an armchair. Without a word, I place my folder of coins on the coffee table for Liam’s viewing.
“Incredible.” He flips through the folder, pausing on the George Gershwin coin. “Man, I’m jealous.”
Mom has a gushing smile. “We spent years searching for Gershwin.”
Dan coughs. My eyes dart to him, and I realize he’s trying to hide a laugh. He mouths the word sorry to me, then distracts himself with his phone. A moment later, I receive a text.
Dan
You sure you don’t want to stay at my place tonight? I’ll give you something real to blush over .
I delete Dan’s message, not wanting any evidence of this secret between us, and send him a blunt message in response, telling him not to send me texts like that.
Dan
Okay. I guess I can make a promise too.
My eyes flare wide at his reference to the promises I made, naked in the back seat of his car.I shove my phone in my purse, hearing another disguised laugh that gets beneath my skin, and close the coin folder. “We need to leave now. Long drive back to Liam’s home in the city. Mom, can you please put the folder back in my bedroom?”
“It was lovely meeting you all.” Liam rises to his feet. “And don’t worry, Mr and Mrs Blackwood, I’ll take good care of your daughter.”
“What the fuck is with that dress? Her tits are bursting out of it. They look like they’re about to suffocate her.”
I laugh into Liam’s chest, wrapped in his arms as we watch Amadeus on his couch. His commentary of the eighteenth-century style corset costuming is hilarious.
Cuddling with him is nice. He rents a place in Williamsburg in Brooklyn. The apartment is small but cozy, decorated with various jazz instruments strung on the walls. We finished dinner half an hour ago. The lights went off and Amadeus on, and Liam hasn’t let me out of his arms since.
“I know bigger is supposed to be better, but those tits are way too big for my liking,” Liam continues, stroking my hair.
“Are mine to your liking?”
He chuckles. “That’s why you wanted us to watch Amadeus together, isn’t it? To get me thinking about your tits.”
“Stop.” I swat his arm, laughing. “You don’t normally think about my breasts?”
“I think about them a lot, actually. And to answer your question, they’re just to my liking.”
I try to resist a smile. So far, this evening has been one flirtatious thing after the next. While dinner was simmering on the stove, Liam taught me some basics about how to play the double bass. He stood behind me, with his chest pressed to my back and his lips against my ear as he instructed my fingers over the instrument’s strings. It was a sensual lesson that ended with kisses while the food boiled over on the stove. I can see myself being with him in the long run if I can manage to get Dan out of my head.
I snuggle closer into Liam, resting my head in the nook of his neck and disregarding the movie. It’s nice being in his arms. He kisses my forehead and I can tell that he too has stopped paying attention to the movie, enjoying this moment between us. We’re quiet yet it’s comfortable. There’s no need for conversation.
“Hey.” I break the silence, peering up at him. “My parents are hosting a Forever Families benefit in the gardens of our beach house tomorrow night. Would you like to be my date?”
Dan won’t be in attendance. He’s never at Forever Families events, which will give me a good opportunity to spend quality time around Liam without the distraction of my stepbrother. As for my parents, they were embarrassing today when meeting Liam, but I’m hoping the more they see me with him, the less they’ll think of me as their little girl.
The skin around Liam’s eyes tightens with concern. Not quite the reaction I was hoping for when asking him to be my date. He twirls a lock of my hair around his finger, contemplating something. “I’d love to be your date but I already have plans.”
“Oh, no worries.”
“Ally.” He strokes my cheeks, his voice gentle. “I’ve been meaning to speak with you about something. You said you’re willing to give an open relationship a try. I’m glad, because I really like you. Honesty is the only way these kinds of relationships work, and while I know we’re not in a relationship yet, I’ll always be one hundred percent honest with you. I’m seeing someone tomorrow night.”
“Oh. Okay. That’s all good.” My words come out on autopilot before I have a chance to absorb the information Liam dropped on me.
“How does that make you feel? I know you’re new to this style of dating. I want to make sure you’re okay with everything.”
He’s being very caring toward my well-being, which I appreciate, along with the honesty. I take a breath, trying to navigate my feelings. Liam going on a date does feel a little weird but only because I’m new to open relationships. Overall, I don’t have an issue with him seeing someone else. I knew this was a possibility right from the first time we met.
The two of us have fun together. I enjoy our conversations and his kisses are nice. All I want is to go with the flow and not overthink.
“I’m fine with you seeing someone tomorrow night. I wouldn’t have agreed to see you again if I wasn’t.”
The light from the TV flickers across his face as he studies me. “You sure? I’m happy to talk through any feelings you may have about this. Any questions. ”
I shrug. “I don’t have any issues.”
“You’ll tell me if anything changes?”
“Of course.”
Liam’s arms tighten around me. “Good. So, tell me about this benefit. You’re pretty involved with Forever Families?”
“From an appearance standpoint, yes. Our family is the face of the organization. All I have to do is smile for the cameras and give the occasional interview. Be on my best behavior. I’ll be performing a piece on the piano tomorrow night. Funnily enough, a piece by Mozart.”
“I miss out on you performing? Damn. I’m still hanging out to see you play.”
“I’ll play something for you on our next date.”
His fingers weave with mine and he brings the back of my hand to his lips. “I’ll be out of town for ten days performing with the band. When I get back, I’m holding you to your word. As for tomorrow night, since you’ll be performing Mozart, I must insist you wear a dress like that one and send me a photo.” Liam nods to the TV screen, at the actress in her corseted dress with life-threatening cleavage.
I laugh again, my amusement cut short by Liam’s lips pressing against mine. The kiss is gentle and sweet and warms me. I sink into his embrace, my lips moving in time with his.
“Your laugh is beautiful,” he murmurs. “I really like you, Ally.”
“I like you too.”
A few weeks ago, I could barely talk to a guy. Now, I’m making out with one on his couch. I’m so… pleased with myself for getting here. Pleased that I have the ability to be attracted to someone other than my stepbrother .
Dan’s words return to me from earlier in the day. Tonight, on your date, let him touch you where I just did. Then, come and tell me if it feels anywhere near as good as what we’ve just done.
Dan is wrong about us and I’m going to prove it.
I deepen the kiss, attempting to lose myself within Liam’s touch and chase away all thoughts of Dan. My hands slide up his chest and into his hair. Liam pauses the movie, then guides me onto my back and hovers above me, grinding between my legs. My hands trail down and I gasp when my fingers run over the large bulge in Liam’s pants.
“You sound so good,” he groans.
“I should let you know I’ve never… slept with a guy.”
His grinding stops. “Fuck, that’s hot.”
Whoever knew my virginity was such a turn on for men. Here I am, trying to get rid of it like it’s the plague.
“Let’s slow down,” Liam says. “I don’t want to rush into anything. Sex too soon can ruin something good. I think we could have something good, Ally.”
“So do I.”
“All I want to do tonight is please you, if you’ll let me. Can I take your panties off?”
I nod, my throat tight, realizing I’m actually about to do this with someone other than Dan. It’s what I want, but… this feels a little confronting now that the opportunity is here. New and unknown. Dan always instructs me and gives commands. It’s what gives me confidence and turns me on. I know it’s a little fucked up but I like how he doesn’t ask for permission. He knows what I want. He pushes my limits and I get off on doing anything he asks.
With Liam, I’m unsure how I should be acting. His style is different to Dan’s. I wouldn’t have the confidence to do any of those dirty things in front of Liam even if he instructed me like Dan does.
“What kind of… sex are you into?” I ask between kisses, my voice thin.
“Uh… normal sex.”
I tell myself that’s a good thing. I need normality. The things Dan and I do are unhealthy, even if they excite me to no end.
Liam’s fingers slip beneath my dress and hook into the hem of my panties. He guides them down my legs and drops them to the floor. I’m on display and it feels… procedural. The silence in this apartment is suddenly deafening and my thoughts are too loud.
I hear things in movies and TV shows, that it’s awkward when two people first get together and are learning each other’s bodies. But I thought… I don’t know what I thought—that I’d be more responsive to Liam’s touch.
His fingers glide over the slickness between my thighs, and I shiver from the contact, the feeling not entirely pleasurable. Nerves flood me, making my body seize up.
Liam kisses my lips again while slipping his fingers inside me just as Dan did earlier in the day. But the pleasure isn’t there. It feels like a medical examination, with awkward poking and prodding, and not because Liam is doing anything wrong. He’s kissing me the same way he has all night, and yet his face suddenly feels too close to mine and his lips are smothering.
Maybe I need to warm up to Liam’s touch.
I didn’t need to warm up to Dan’s touch.
Panic hits me, that I won’t adjust to Liam’s fingers and I’ll have to pretend like I’m enjoying myself. Even fake an orgasm. It’s wrong to pretend, but the alternative is asking Liam to stop, and that would be the most awkward moment of my life. It would bruise his ego and damage any chances of us moving forward in a relationship.
I want to enjoy his touch. This is what I’ve wanted for so long, to be intimate with a guy. A normal guy who is suited to me.
No one has what we have.
An unexpected ripple of pleasure spreads through me when Dan’s words repeat in my mind, making me quiver. A proud grunt leaves Liam’s mouth as he kisses the base of my neck. I try to be present with Liam, but Dan enters my mind again. It’s the same issue I faced during our date at the jazz club, unable to stop thinking about Dan, despite wanting to focus on Liam.
My brows pinch with frustration. I feel like I’ve been jinxed. The more I try to focus on Liam, the more memories I have of Dan at the outdoor shower, pinning me against the wall and fucking me with his hand.
A moan slips from my mouth.
Shit. I’m a bad person. I’ve found a guy I like and I’m self-sabotaging. But the thought of Dan builds an ache low in my tummy, tightening my muscles, and I realize this is the only way I’m going to escape this situation without faking it. I need to get this over with quickly. Liam will be none the wiser. No harm done.
I grind against Liam’s hand, chasing my peak. He says something to me, encouragement, I think, but I’m too consumed with thoughts of Dan fingering me at the outdoor shower to hear. The memory of Dan’s commanding voice sends me closer to the edge. The sordid memory brings on another wave of bliss, making me cry out.
I keep bucking my hips, growing closer and closer. So many fantasies run through my mind. Dan being here with me right now and him being the one fingering me. Dan fucking me. Dan coming inside me.
That last fantasy is the one that tips me over the edge and sends me into a spasming mess. My ass lifts off the couch and I’m bursting at the seams with my release.
Once the orgasm is over, Liam’s kisses on my neck bring me back to the moment and the reality of what I’ve done—thinking about Dan while being with another guy. Guilt replaces all pleasure.
“You are so fucking hot when you come, Ally.”
“Um… thank you.”
He chuckles, and I feel like a bit of an idiot for my response. But most of all, a terrible person.
The truth dawns on me in this moment, one I don’t want to admit, but there’s no escaping it: Liam doesn’t turn me on because there’s nothing wrong about us being together.
Dan was right. No one can give me what he does. I was confused as to why he’d been so willing to let me go on this date. Now it makes sense. This was his plan all along, knowing I’d come to this realization about us. He manipulated me again, and yet I can’t bring myself to be mad.
Dan is the one person who makes me feel alive and this date reinstates how much I want him. Just him. I’m tired of being ruled by shame over something that feels so good. I’m tired of running and I can’t do it anymore.