29. Ally
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
ALLY
“Happy birthday, honey!”
Mom pulls the curtains open, blinding me with sunlight. I roll over in bed, silently cursing her for being so cheerful at this early hour on Saturday morning.
“Wake up. Liam is downstairs.”
“Already?” I rub my eyes, checking the time on my phone. I’ve asked Mom not to plan a celebration for me—knowing a celebration would mean interacting with Dan—and instead told Liam we could spend the day together, but I didn’t expect him here so early.
We’ve hung out a few times in the last ten days since he came to my house, asking me to give him another chance. He took me back to the jazz club one evening. We went out to dinner another night. It’s been nice. He hasn’t tried to kiss me, which I appreciate. He’s giving me my space like I asked, being my friend.
“Trust me, honey, Liam’s present for you is incredible. You’ll want to get out of bed.”
My mother loves the idea of me being with Liam. Overall, I think she’s just pleased that I’ve started socializing outside of the family. She always tells me how well-suited Liam and I are with our interests and what a polite young man he is every time he stops by the house. She’s already organized for his band to perform at the next Forever Families benefit in one week’s time.
Mom passes my dressing gown to me and kisses my cheek. “I’ll see you downstairs. Josh and I have a present for you.”
As soon as she’s gone, I sit up in bed and check my phone, the zero messages and zero missed calls carving a hollow space in my chest. Dan and I used to always spend my birthday together. My God, I miss him. I told him we shouldn’t speak for a while. I never stated how long but it doesn’t feel like enough time has passed, not when that night with him is still so fresh in my mind.
Yet it feels weird not talking to him today. Dan would always go above and beyond on my birthday, spoiling me with the most incredibly thought-out gifts. For my sixteenth, the first year we met, Dan decorated the ceiling of my room to resemble the night sky and all its stars that can’t be seen from the city. It would have taken him hours to create. We stayed up the entire night, in the dark and side by side on our backs, gazing up at the beautiful ceiling and talking till sunrise.
My birthday last year in Paris was so lonely without him. This year feels even more unnatural, but this feeling is something I need to get used to.
Leaving my phone behind, I pull on my dressing gown and head downstairs. When I’m halfway down the stairs, my feet come to a stop and I’m laughing at the sight of Liam in the entry hall, dressed like a nobleman from centuries ago. He wears an olive-green velvet coat that extends down to his knees, a waistcoat and cravat beneath, and breeches on the bottom.
“What on earth are you wearing?”
He grins at me. “An eighteenth-century costume. You have one too.”
“Why?”
“You’ll need it for where we’re spending the day. Happy birthday, beautiful.” He holds out two tickets.
I step beside him and read the tickets. Classical Age Music Fair .
“Okay, I actually love this.” I hug Liam, smiling. “This is an amazing present. Thank you.”
“I’m glad to hear it. Here’s your costume. A dress with a neckline just like the one we saw in Amadeus .” He winks, passing a garment bag to me.
I laugh, remembering how full the actress’s cleavage was and swat Liam’s arm. “Give me a minute to get dressed. I’ll be right back.”
Liam and I arrive at the fair midmorning, held in Manhattan at the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts.
Right where the Juilliard campus is.
I try not to let the Juilliard part be a hindrance on my mood. Liam doesn’t know that for years I had my heart set on attending Juilliard. He planned a perfect day for us and I’m going to enjoy it. And honestly, the fair looks incredible. It’s held out in the open, in the plaza. The weather is cool, being mid-November, but I have this massive ballgown and cashmere wrap to keep me warm.
All the attendees are dressed in costumes much like ours. Everywhere I look, there’s some attraction luring me in, from the many market stalls selling Classical composer merchandise, to musical artefacts from hundreds of years ago on display. Spread all throughout the plaza are performances of chamber music and solo performances. There are demonstrations of instruments being crafted from scratch. Antique instruments are available to play. Tonight, there will be a banquet and masquerade ball.
Everything about the event is exquisite.
Which leaves me confused when out of nowhere, my throat starts to ache. My chin wobbles and my eyes water.
“Where would you like to visit first?” Liam asks.
“Um.” My voice breaks. Embarrassment hits hard over how emotional I suddenly am. What the hell is wrong with me?
Liam taking me to this fair is a thoughtful gift and I’m so excited to be here. But there’s a feeling within my chest I can’t explain. I don’t know if the reminder of Juilliard has triggered a stress response in me, or if this is something else.
I work hard to make my next words sound strong. “Maybe we can get a bite to eat.”
“Yeah, I’m starving. Let’s check out what food they have.”
My jaw clenches. I wipe my eyes, trying to ward off the tears. The last thing I want is for Liam to see me crying, especially after all the effort he’s gone to today.
While Liam passes our entry tickets to an attendant, I readjust my hair, pulling it forward to hide my face. I take a deep breath, attempting to calm myself, but the weight of my ballgown and how tightly strung it is around my waist makes it hard to breathe. My skin itches. I’m suddenly hot. Too hot. My neck feels like it’s burning up. My arms stiffen, locking at my sides .
This can’t be happening right now. I haven’t had a panic attack in months, since before returning from Paris. I need to get a hold on myself. I cannot start crying and lose control just because I’m feeling out of sorts.
But knowing I’m on the brink of a panic attack makes my emotions more rampant and harder to keep under control.
“So, food.” Liam takes my hand and starts walking, turning back to me with concern in his eyes. “Wow, you’re clammy. Are you feeling all right?”
I wipe my hands on my dress and continue forward, not letting him see my face. “Just hot.”
The sounds of the fair grow louder as we walk deeper into the plaza, a jumble of voices and instrumental music. I recognize one of my favorite tunes, but it does nothing to calm me. All of the surrounding noises are too overpowering. People are cluttered in the walkways, bumping into me. I’m in complete sensory overload and feel trapped, like I need to push my head out of a window and gasp for fresh air.
“Oh, Italian. Feel like eating pizza?” Liam points to a nearby food stall.
“I… need to find a restroom. I’ll be back soon. Just… enjoy yourself.” I rush off, pushing my way through the crowd in search for a quiet space where I can have a moment alone to compose myself.
Liam calls after me with alarm. I don’t look back. Perhaps I’m being rude, but I don’t want Liam to see me like this. It’s humiliating and I wouldn’t even know how to explain any of these feelings to him when I don’t understand them myself.
With Liam out of sight, my tears fall free. I continue nudging through the crowd, heading to the edge of the plaza, relieved when I spot a nook within the buildings up ahead.
Finally, I lose the crowd and enter the nook, finding myself in an isolated crevice where the blaring noise of the fair is dampened. I loosen the drawstrings on the back of my costume and slump against the brick wall, closing my eyes and attempting to center myself with deep breaths.
With each breath in, I think back to that night when I was sixteen, having a panic attack at a party and where Dan was able to calm me. I visualize him in front of me now, holding my shoulders and telling me to maintain eye contact while I take deep breaths as he counts to four.
My phone vibrates in my cleavage. I tell myself to ignore it and focus on the counting. But the vibrations distract me. I reach into my bra to switch my phone off, stopping when I see Dan’s name on the screen.
I answer his call without a second thought. “Dan, hi.”
“I know we’re not meant to be talking, but I had to wish you happy birthday, Queen.”
Hearing the warmth in Dan’s voice and his name for me destroys all the progress I’ve made toward calming myself, and I slide to the ground in a silent cry.
“Ally? Where are you? It sounds loud.”
“I’m…” My first instinct is to tell him my location. But I’m close to where Dan lives. He’ll drop everything and come to me without hesitation, and I can’t have that. “It doesn’t matter where I am.” My voice cracks and this time I can’t keep the sobs to myself.
“Fuck. What’s happened?”
I try to answer Dan but all I can do is cry.
“You’re having a panic attack. Shit. It’s okay. I’m here with you. Just breathe. Focus on my voice.” He starts counting in that deep and soothing voice he always uses in these moments, instructing me through my breathing. I follow along, and it’s a few minutes before I’m stable enough to have a conversation with him.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I’m sorry for answering the phone like that.”
“Don’t ever apologize for the way you’re feeling. Tell me what’s happening.”
“I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I have. It’s my birthday and the day doesn’t feel right. You’re not here and I miss you. I know it’s a pathetic reason to have a panic attack.”
“Tell me where you are. I’m coming to get you.”
“I… No.” I take a breath and wipe my wet cheeks. “Thank you, but you’re not coming to get me. I need to deal with this myself. I can deal with it myself. I spent an entire year without you.”
Silence lingers on the phone. When Dan speaks again, he’s gentle with me, yet I can hear an edge of annoyance in his voice. “I spoke to Amabella just now. I hear you’re back with Liam. You’re spending your birthday with him?”
My chest tightens as I broach this topic with Dan. “He’s taken me somewhere for my birthday. We’re not together. It’s going to take me a long time to be with anyone after you. We’re just hanging out as friends.”
“I think he has a little more than friendship on his mind with you.”
“Dan…”
“It’s okay, Ally.” His voice is deep and smooth. “I’m not mad. I told you to go off and do what you need to. Why isn’t he with you right now, taking care of you?”
“He shouldn’t see me like this. Liam went to all this effort for my birthday.” I clear my throat, knowing this conversation needs to find an end. “And I don’t need taking care of. I’m not Liam’s problem or yours. I’m sorry I broke down on the phone. I’m going to find some way to pull myself together and enjoy my birthday. I should go.”
“Ally…” His tone softens and he sighs. “I’ll be worrying about you all day.”
“I’ll text you with updates, okay?”
He scoffs, frustrated with me. “Your updates aren’t great. Three days I spent in radio silence, wondering if I’d gotten you pregnant.”
My face is instantly hot. I can’t tell if it’s due to the possessiveness in his voice and how much I like it, or the way he scolds me. Perhaps both. “I told you not to worry about that. And I told you the second I got my period.”
“You don’t get it, Ally.” He groans and backs off, even though I can tell he wants to say something more. From the pain in his voice, it dawns on me that this shift in tone isn’t about Dan panicking I was pregnant. It’s about the emotional and physical intimacy we’ve shared and how abruptly it’s been cut off.
“Yeah, I do get it,” I say quietly. “We’re not meant to be talking to each other and this is why. There are too many feelings involved. I’ll be fine today. Trust me, okay?”
With reluctance, Dan agrees and we both hang up. At the same time, Liam steps into view, towering over me sitting curled up on the ground, and sighs with relief.
“Come here. You poor thing.” He helps me to my feet and draws me into a hug. I’m stiff in his arms, embarrassed and confused over his reaction. “Your parents warned me about this.”
They did? That’s even more embarrassing. “I’m sorry. I’ve ruined everything. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. The Juilliard school is here which brought up negative feelings.” Though, in all honesty, I can’t one hundred percent say this outburst was caused by Juilliard. “You went to so much effort?—”
“You haven’t ruined anything. Come on, I’ll get you back to the truck and drive you home.”
“No. I want to be here with you. I just had a moment but I’m feeling better now. I’d like to stay, if you’re not scared off.”
“Scared off?” He laughs softly, cupping my jaw in his palms. “You can be vulnerable around me. I won’t run away or judge you.”
My God. He’s being a dream.
Liam takes the heel of my palm and raises it to his lips. The gesture makes me smile a little. The weirdness of the day hasn’t worn off, but after having my moment of weakness, I can push through this.