Chapter 39
CHAPTER 39
After a tragedy, the best part of your day is those first few seconds when you wake up, because for a moment or two everything is fine. Then as your mind wakes up, you remember, and then pain snuggles up against your heart. I lay there in bed, feeling almost incapacitated by how bad I felt.
I thought I'd feel better in the morning, but I felt decidedly worse. I was essentially on the lam. I ran away from my husband. I had no idea where to go or what to do next. All I knew is that I needed to be alone. I missed him. I thought that my love would be enough to make everything okay between us, but it was just crushing me.
Yes, he was in mourning. He grieved the loss of his friend, but he was also in the process of letting go of this relationship. He pushed me back so far. He was making his choice. He wanted nothing to do with us anymore. The fact that he was reading Harper’s texts, but not mine told me everything.
I sat on the edge of the bed and floundered in my pain. He was committed to me. He would remain the faithful and dutiful husband, but I realized that I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted and needed him to care about me. That is something that would never happen.
I loved him with all my heart, but it wasn’t enough. A successful partnership required both people to love. He loved Harper. I had thought that with his interest in Alien that somehow it'd be okay. He'd love our child, and I'd love him, and somehow we'd make it work. But now his disinterest in Alien was clear.
I needed to find the strength to leave this man. My heart shattered over the loss of him in my life, but for my baby’s sake, I needed to do this. I would not raise this baby in a home where its father was indifferent and unable to care.
I heard a knock at the door. I don’t know what I thought. Perhaps it was housekeeping. I swung open the door, and Jackson stood there, filling the entire door space. He wore the same clothes he had been wearing last night, but he had added a baseball cap. He looked exhausted. How had he found me? What was he doing here? What did he want?
“How did you find me?” I stammered.
“Emily, I’m a Navy SEAL. It’s my job to find people.”
“I didn’t want you to find me.”
He gave me a measured look. “Can I come in?”
My heart started to beat again. I hated how hope surged through my body. I was such a sucker for punishment. I stepped back. He walked in and immediately the room felt smaller. I crawled onto the bed, and I waited.
He leaned against the wall across from me and crossed his arms.
“Want to tell me why you walked out?”
I refused to answer.
“Is this because I missed the ultrasound?”
The man was clueless. “Why bother following me? Why not stay back home with your slutty girlfriend? ”
“What are you even talking about?” His voice sounded exasperated.
“Harper.”
“Harper is my ex-girlfriend. You’re my wife. Understand the difference. Why are you so stuck on her? She’s history.”
“I’m not a fucking idiot, Jackson.”
“I never said you were.”
“I saw her texts. All of them. The sexting. Where she is talking about her orgasms while running with you and how she wants you to put your face between her legs until she screams. The best one is when she talks about how you will fuck her until she can’t feel her legs and she attached a nice shot of her crotch while wearing no underwear.”
“You looked at my phone.”
“I did. And I noticed that you read all of her texts but you haven’t bothered to read a single one of mine.”
His expression didn’t change.
I crossed my arms. “You’re a fucking liar.”
“How am I the liar?”
“You just told me that she's history. Doesn’t seem that way to me.”
“Did I text her back?”
“No.”
“I’m not involved with her.”
“Why is she sexting you? You’re married.”
“I’ve made that abundantly clear to her.”
“She needs to leave you alone.”
“Emily, she's just trying to raise shit, and it’s working.”
“I hate her!” I yelled.
He walked towards me and then he crouched in front of me. He looked up at me with his beautiful green eyes. He took my hands in his. “I’m so sorry.”
My lips started to tremble. “I thought if I loved you, it would be enough. ”
“It's enough.”
I shook my head. “It’s not.”
“Don’t give up on me.”
I look down into his green eyes. He was so serious. My aching heart slowly started to beat again. I wanted to fling myself into his arms. Why did this man have such a strong hold on me?
“Harper wants you back.”
“Let me handle her.”
“She said that she goes running with you.”
He shook his head. “I don’t. She just likes to show up on my runs.”
“And you let her?”
“I didn’t say that.”
I fought my tears as I looked up at the ceiling. This was a disaster. I didn’t know if I should push to leave him or give him another chance. Why was he even here? Why did he seem not to care and then suddenly he chased me down? I felt so confused. I didn’t know what to do.
Harper was a bitch. A cold, dog-poisoning bitch who was doing everything in her power to steal this man away from me. She was cruel and cold, and I hated her.
“When you dated her, what did you even see in her?”
Shrug. “It was easy.”
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly that.”
“And I’m not.”
His smile was beautiful. “No. There's nothing easy about you.”
My eyes filled with tears.
“Just because it was easy with her, doesn’t mean it was better.”
“Why isn’t it easy with me?”
He looked down at my hand and rolled my wedding ring between his fingers. “Because you say things like you want to know me.”
A tear trickled down my face. “I do. ”
He moved to sit down on the bed beside me. His expression was one of true regret. “If you find out who I really am, you won’t love me.”
“That isn’t true.”
“I’m pretty sure it is.”
“What happens now?” my voice was a whisper.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes. Do you trust me?”
He gave me a solemn look. “Completely.”
“Where do we go from here?”
He smiled at me. “I’m going to stop being such a dick. And I’m going to be the husband that you deserve.”
“Is this because of Alien?”
“That’s part of it.”
I needed answers. I couldn’t keep plugging along here without a clue as to why we were doing this. Integrity and a sense of honor was not a good enough reason to ruin four lives. “Why else?”
He took a deep breath, but he didn’t answer me. Green eyes held my own.
“Why do you want to stay married to me?” I pressed.
His face was devoid of expression. He just stared back at me.
“Is Alien the only reason?”
“It’s the sex.”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“It’s different.”
My heart started to race. “How?”
He didn’t respond.
“Tell me.”
“You feel more real than anyone I have ever been with before.”
My heart stopped beating in my chest. And then so much hope bloomed inside of me, I almost stopped breathing. I stared up at him.
“Emily say something.”
“Okay. I will come home.”