Chapter 29
CHAPTER 29
The next morning, I found my car keys on the island. Jackson was nowhere in sight which was probably for the best since things couldn’t get more awkward between us. It wasn’t him. It was all me. He was normal. He teased, flirted a bit, all harmless fun. I was the one ruining it with my traitorous feelings that I couldn’t help but wear on my sleeve. I was ashamed about how I felt. I felt transparent around him. I wanted to spend all my time in his presence, and I also wanted to hide away from his knowing gaze.
I worked a half day at the gallery. Then I made my way to a small bistro, where I met Julie for lunch. After we ordered, she took a good look at me.
“Jesus, you look exhausted. Have you been losing weight?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I think the wedding is stressing me out.” That and the fact that my fiancé and I hadn’t talked in days and that he was missing in action and I didn’t even care. Or maybe it was the knowledge that I had fallen in love with another man, a beautiful, unattainable man who threw me for a complete loop every single time he walked into the room.
“Do you have any big plans for your birthday? ”
I shook my head. “Matt is a workaholic right now. I barely see him.”
“Why don’t we do a fun dinner out?”
I shook my head. That was the last thing I needed. “I don’t know.”
“Let me plan the entire thing. How about next Friday? That’s your actual birthday,” she reached across the table and squeezed my arm.
“Julie.”
“I mean it. Leave it all to me. You tell Jackson since you won’t give me his cell number and I'll arrange the rest. We'll go to my favorite restaurant.”
I didn’t want to disappoint her. “Okay.”
“So,” she smiled sheepishly. “Jackson didn’t call.”
I stared at Julie, thinking about Jackson. Julie and the vet were two attractive women who had thrown themselves at him, and he had been indifferent. The whole thing just made my stupid crush even more embarrassing.
Julie stared at me. “What’s going on with you?”
I gave her a wan smile. “Nothing.”
She leaned forward. “I know you. Something is going on. What is it?”
I swallowed. She was the last person I wanted to tell my problems to.
“Is it Matt?”
I shook my head and lied. “No, Matt’s fine.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Is it Jackson? Is he a bad house guest?”
“No!” I protested. “Jackson is a great house guest.”
She leaned back and crossed her arms. “Oh, my God.”
“What?” My throat tightened.
She gave a harsh laugh. “You’re crushing.”
My eyes went wide. “What?! No. No!”
She pointed her finger at me. “I know that look. You have some big fucking crush on Jackson. ”
“I don’t.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Does Matt know?”
I crossed my arms. “There is nothing for Matt to know because I'm not crushing. On Jackson? Please.”
She shook her head. “You got it bad. I can tell.”
“Julie,” I said, feeling incredibly alarmed. “Don’t be crazy. Don’t even go there.”
She gave me a knowing smile and then slapped my arm. “Oh relax, I'm just teasing you.”
I heaved a sigh of relief. “Don’t even tease about that kind of stuff. It isn’t funny.”
After lunch, I made my way home. I found Jackson lying on the couch, with Chloe curled up on his chest. He was reading, and she was snoring in complete contentment. I had never been so jealous of anyone in my life. I wanted to be my dog.
I kicked off my heels and flopped on the chair across from them. Jackson looked at me over his book. He looked tired. I wondered what time he had gotten home last night. Would things be weird for us after our previous conversation? Would I ever get past the fact that I had seen him naked? Flashes of him touching himself passed through my mind. I started to blush again.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“Julie took me out for lunch.”
“How’s Julie?” Amusement traced his voice.
“She’s good. She wants to plan a little birthday dinner for me on Friday. Just a few of my friends. You're invited.”
“That should be fun for you,” Green eyes studied my face.
“I guess.”
He raised his eyebrows in question.
I shrugged. “Parties aren’t my thing. How’s your day been?”
He shrugged. “Same old. I bought some groceries. ”
“Thanks.”
“What are you doing now?”
I looked around. I still had loads of things to do for the wedding, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do any of it. “What did you have in mind?”
“Want to take Chloe for a walk?”
After I changed, we started our walk. Usually, it was just me walking her, but Chloe seemed extra excited that Jackson was with us. She kept stopping and sticking her nose in his hand.
“Is this your usual route?” he asked, looking around.
“Yeah, I usually walk her down to the river. There’s lots of grass there.”
“I run down here.”
We walked in compatible silence for a time.
“How are you and Matt doing?”
“I don’t know. He’s never around. And it seems like neither of us wants to make the first move to talk about stuff.”
“You still want to get married?”
I paused for so long that Jackson looked down at me.
“I'm hoping that if we can just make it to this wedding, everything will just sort itself out.”
“Is that how it works?”
I gave a short laugh. “God I hope so. We need to get past this.”
“What’s this?”
I looked down at my sneakers. “Things used to be easy. He was busy, but he made an effort to see me. I would do my stuff and be excited to see him. Life was easy. Now everything just seems hard.”
“You seem pretty determined to get married.”
I didn’t want to talk about marrying Matt because it stressed me out. “I want what my parents had.”
“What was that? ”
“I don’t know. We were a family. We were happy. Right now, I don’t have any family left.”
We walked in silence for a long time. “That’s why you want kids. You want a family again.”
“Is that so awful? To want a family?”
“No.”
I sucked in my breath. “But you don’t want that. You don’t want a family.”
“No.”
Again my stupid heart impaled itself on his words.
“Well, I guess there are lots of women who don’t want that either.”
We stood along the riverbank and watched as Chloe moved with determination, her nose to the ground.
“If Matt told you that he didn’t want children, would you still want to be with him?” His question came out of nowhere.
My heart pounded. If Matt told me he didn’t want children, it would feel like a get out of jail free card. It would mean I didn’t have to go through with this wedding. I slammed my mind shut on that thought, feeling immediate retribution.
I paused and looked up at him. “No. I would not want to marry him.”
My words hung awkwardly between us.
He picked up a stick and threw it a ridiculous distance for Chloe. “You want kids that bad?”
I pushed both my hands through my hair. “I don’t know! I'm so mixed up about everything.”
“What are you mixed up about?”
Anxiety flooded my body. My stomach hurt. “Nothing.”
“Okay.”
I dropped to my haunches and put my arms over my head. I moaned. “I'm so fucked up.”
Two strong hands grasped my wrists and gently pulled them off my head. Jackson crouched in front of me. I looked with anguish up into his face. “I don’t know what I'm doing anymore.”
His expression was a mixture of concern and curiosity.
I took a deep breath. “I'm a hot mess.”
A smile grew on his face, and then he started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I began to laugh too.
“This isn’t funny,” I protested, laughing. “Nothing is working out. And instead of doing anything about my problems, I just pretend they don’t exist.”
Our laughter subsided, and he said with meaning. “You deserve your happy ending.”
“What about you? What’s your happy ending?”
“Not everyone deserves one.”
I frowned. “You deserve one.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Jackson.”
He cupped my face with his large hand. “Don’t let him hurt you, okay?”
My eyes were wide. I wanted to ask him why he cared. I wanted to ask him what his happy ending was? And why he didn’t think he deserved one. But I didn’t. Chloe came bounding over and then Jackson was rolling around and wrestling with her.
I watched from the side, wondering how my heart was going to survive saying goodbye to this man.