34. He Is So Over My Shit
He Is So Over My Shit
Missy
‘You’re dead wrong, Miss.’
I was spitting mad by the time the girls arrived at my place for girls’ night. Jonah is at Lynnie’s with Bowie for the night so we’re drinking and eating all the food while we talk and catch up, and I just caught them up on Nick.
Bree is pissed at me. Zoe too. Cara just looks a little sad.
‘He had a key to my place, Bree, and he never told me.’
‘Nah, I’m sorry, but you’re out of line, sweetie,’ Zoe adds from the tablet on the table. ‘I know he lied to you about the whole relationship thing, but, honestly, the man made a mistake because he wanted to keep you in his life. In my opinion, you should cut him a little slack for that. And the key, Miss, we might have known Nick forever, but you know him in ways we never have, and you know he would never use that key to get into your home. ’
‘He should have told me.’
‘Yeah, and if he’d given the damn thing even a passing thought before seeing you locked out, he would have.’ Bree eyeballs me. ‘Missy, you’re reaching for things to stay mad at him, but if you let yourself, you and he could still have something special.’
‘I wish I’d never let him in.’
‘Liar.’ We all turn to Cara. ‘While you were doing what you were doing with him, you were always smiling — you were happy. He made you happy, and you know it. You have been in a bad mood now for weeks. If he walks into a room, you walk out of it, and you both look completely miserable. What’s the point?’
‘You have trust issues, Miss, and yeah, he should never have lied to you,’ Zoe says softly, ‘but he’s a good man. You know he is. You’re letting shit that has nothing to do with Nick blow up what you have with him.’
‘Had,’ I correct, sadly. ‘He was so mad at me today. He walked away furious.’
‘Well,’ Bree chimes in. ‘That’s because you accused him of something horrible.’ She puts her hand on top of mine on my dining table. ‘Nick cares about you, Missy, a lot, and he cares what you think of him. Right now, he thinks you see him as someone you can’t trust, worse than that, someone who used you, someone who invades your privacy without invitation. You made him feel shitty about himself and, knowing Nick, knowing his principles, that’ll be hurting him something terrible.’
‘He said I lied to him, too,’ I admit, ashamed and bracing for impact, but they don’t say anything, not with their mouths anyway, the looks on their faces say it all. I did. ‘Doesn’t matter what epiphanies I have, girls. You didn’t see the way he looked at me. He is so over my shit.’
‘Love doesn’t just disappear because you had a falling out,’ Cara says softly, and my throat closes at the sound of the L word. ‘If he didn’t still care, he wouldn’t continue to fight you on it.’
Forever, he said. We could have had forever.
Even while I was accusing him of using the key to get into my place, I always knew he never would. I always knew I could trust Nick, then and now. I always felt safe with him.
I knew why he lied. If I’m honest, I knew even back then that he had lied. I saw it in his eyes. I knew he wanted more, but just like he was scared of me walking away, I was scared too. I enjoyed his company. I enjoyed his body, and I wanted more even while I was telling him and myself that I didn’t. I still want more. I still want him, and that terrifies me .
The sound of his door startles me, and we all turn toward mine.
‘Well,’ Bree puts down her glass, ‘I should be going.’
‘Me too,’ Zoe says.
‘Yeah, me three.’ Cara adds, and I know what they’re doing. They’re giving me space to go to him.
‘Guys, I can’t.’
‘Just talk to the man, honey,’ Bree speaks softly as she hugs me.
‘Love you.’ Cara kisses my cheek, and I watch as my friends leave my place, and I take a deep breath.
I should apologize to him. I know that, but if I do, if I tell him I’m sorry, that I made a mistake, where does that leave us? What if he sends me away — doesn’t want anything to do with me? I’m already hurting over not having him in my life, having him tell me once and for all that he’s done with me. I don’t think I can take that.
In my now silent apartment, I hear his music start to play, not too loud, just enough that it punches through the quiet surrounding me, and tears prick my eyes. I miss him, but I’m frozen to the spot, terrified to go to him, unable to allow myself to trust that he would want me back, unable to trust that he won’t hurt me the ways Bax did. I can’t do it. I want him, but I can’t let myself have him.
Turning to lock the door, I lean my forehead against it for just a moment, hearing the Foo Fighters song I know is his favorite and letting the tears fall. I hate this, but it’s how it has to be. It doesn’t matter how much I want him if I can’t ever let myself trust him.