Chapter 21
Dad dropped me off at my house instead of London’s apartment. He wasn’t happy, but he’s finally listening to me.
After making sure I locked every door and window, I examine everything about my house with a fresh pair of eyes.
This space has been violated. With some of my memories back, I’m no closer to figuring out who was stalking me.
It’s both creepy and scary. I’m in danger.
I can feel it as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out.
Jackson: I trust you made it home in one piece since my car did.
Me: Yes. Thanks again. I owe you.
Jackson: That you do, princess. Don’t worry, I’ll collect. ;)
Me: I’m sure you will.
I have to be careful not to let anyone else know I’m Lennon. Conversations need to be kept short and to the point, so I lock my phone and head upstairs.
I get ready for bed even though I’m not sure if I can sleep. I’m still puzzled by how I ended up wearing the shirt London was last seen wearing, but I can’t try to think anymore tonight. I’m exhausted. Once I’m settled, the silent tears burn a trail to my pillow.
Dash and I have been sneaking around my dad’s back for almost a year, but I just recently tried to bring our relationship out in the open in hopes my family would accept us.
That’s when Dad shut it down. Dash is the competition, and he thinks he’s dangerous for me because of that race a long time ago. Maybe he was right. Look at us now.
I turn on my side and my empty hand clings to the pillow my sister would be lying on in a moment like this.
She’d be right beside me, holding my hand.
We did everything together. Anything I felt, she felt it with me and vice versa.
But she was always the safe one. Her life was settled and stable.
I was always the wild card. Unpredictable.
Always spinning my wheels both figuratively and literally.
How am I supposed to do any of this without her? It was supposed to be me and her until the end. Now I’m alone living with the guilt of her death. Half of my heart died with her; we always felt like we shared one. One heartbeat shared by two different souls.
My chest physically hurts under the weight of this immeasurable grief. It’s like expecting my tears to fill an ocean. There will never be enough to fill the enormous size of this gaping hole.
Sometime in the early morning hours, I finally drift off with the faint smell of strawberries teasing my senses.
And just for a moment, I allow myself to take comfort in breathing in my sister’s scent, whether it was my imagination or her soul somehow reaching across time and space to try and tell me she’s still with me.
My eyes fly open when something shifts in the air. I strain to hear any sound that doesn’t belong, but everything is silent.
I breathe in deeply, but my sister’s scent isn’t in the air anymore. With my bladder about to burst, I get out of bed and make my way into the bathroom. Once I’ve relieved myself, I wash my hands and see the hair and scissors on the counter where I cut my bangs.
That’s when I glance in the mirror to check my reflection, but it’s not my face I focus on. It’s the note taped at eye level.
You see how easy it is to get my hands on you. I warned you what would happen if you remembered.
My heart races as I reach for the three-wick candle on my counter and scream before slamming it into the mirror effectively shattering it and crushing the damning piece of paper. I do it again and again until my arms give out.
I drop the candle and step back before dropping to sit on the side of my bathtub and hold up my trembling hands to see the blood smeared all over my palms. The candle was in a glass jar which broke and cut into my palms as I slammed it into the mirror over and over.
I don’t hear anything but blood rushing to my ears over my racing heart. The next thing I know, Hendrix is on his knees at my feet. He grabs ahold of my wrists gently.
“Lennon, stop. I’ve got you,” he says almost inaudibly, or maybe it’s because I can’t hear anything over the blood rushing to my head.
“Wh-what did you call me?” I manage to ask as I stare down at him.
“Lennon,” he says again. I can hear his calm voice over all the other noise.
“How did you…know?” I ask.
He stares into my eyes. “I think I knew the moment Dash called me out about how I felt after the accident, and him insisting he didn’t feel your loss in his soul in your hospital room.
Because he was right. When I couldn’t save who I thought was Lennon the night of the accident, something in me shifted. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
Tears spring to my eyes. This is the most heart-wrenching, complicated situation anyone could live in.
He stands and turns on the water from the sink and grabs a hand towel folded on the shelf. Steam fills the room as he wets the towel and then wrings it out after turning the water back off.
“Here, let me help you,” he says.
“Why are you here?” I ask as I let him wipe the blood from my hands.
“Dash called me last night. He didn’t think you should be alone, and he explained what you thought you remembered and asked me to stay close. I camped out in my car in your driveway. I heard your scream while I was sipping on my coffee and rushed in,” he explains.
“How’d you get in?” I ask, although I’m sure I know.
“He gave me his key,” he says.
“Why would you care what happens to me, Hendrix? I’m the reason the love of your life is gone,” I say and then sniff.
When he remains silent, I add, “You should leave.”
He smiles sadly. “No, I shouldn’t. London wouldn’t want me to.”
I stand up from the side of the tub. “I made her switch places with me while we were driving. I don’t remember us changing shirts, but we had to somewhere for some reason.
What I do remember is realizing we were being tailed and thinking I could get away.
If I hadn’t, she’d be alive instead of me.
It’s how this should have ended. I was the target. ”
“Lennon—”
“No! I don’t deserve your kindness or help. Please leave, Hendrix.”
“I’m not going to do that. I’m afraid—” I cut him off again.
“What? That I’ll hurt myself?” I ask.
I shake my head. “No. I won’t. I’d never let my sister down by doing that. I may be hurting so bad I feel like I can’t breathe, but I deserve to feel it…every soul-shredding, heart-breaking ounce of it. I destroyed us all and it’s something I have to live with.”
“Lennon, this isn’t your fault.”
“Isn’t it?” I ask throwing my hands in the air.
“No, it isn’t. You didn’t ask your stalker to track you down and run you off the road.
You were just living your life to the fullest the way we all strive to.
You were living your life full of love, just like London.
He took your sister, and he took your memories.
Don’t you dare let him have what’s left of your heart too. ”
He moves closer to me and tips my chin up with his finger. “Promise me, Lennon. This isn’t your path. Your path was meant to be filled with love and happiness. With races and victories. Don’t let him have all those things, because if you do, London’s death means nothing.”
I shove him away from me and he stares at me.
I move closer and I shove him back again.
“How can you say those things to me and mean them? You should hate me…the very sight of me,” I say as my chin quivers.
“I could never hate you. I love you. And not in some creepy way because you’re an exact copy of my dead girlfriend.
I love you because she loved you. I love you because I know you through her.
I love you because I still get to see glimpses of her through the parts of her still connected to you.
She always said you shared a heart, and I can see it.
I know you’ll keep her alive for me and for everyone in a way only you can. ”
I’m speechless as the man standing in front of me bares his soul to me…the very person at least partially responsible for his pain. Raw and vulnerable. Honest. Tears cloud my vision until I blink, and they spill down my cheeks.
He comes closer and wipes my tears away with his thumbs before placing a kiss to my forehead.
“I love you because you have the same heart even if it’s attached to a very different soul.”
I work up the courage to ask what I wondered when I remembered making love to Dash. The burning question about how I could be in love with Dash, but my body still responding to Hendrix the way it does.
“Have we ever…did we ever?”
He smiles. “If you’re asking did you and London swap places in the bedroom with me and Dash, then I don’t know the answer to that for certain.
But no, I don’t think that ever happened.
It’s one line I’m sure you never crossed.
Your kisses are different than hers. Your body is the same, but the way it feels under my touch is different. ”
“Then why did you touch me at all?” I ask.
“I was clinging to hope…the smallest shred of hope I was wrong. And I hadn’t lost her. I was searching for her in you. And yes, I know it’s messed up. I have no excuse. So, I’m sorry if that sounds crude,” he says.
“Do you regret it?” I ask.
“No. But I’m glad we didn’t have sex under those pretenses,” he admits.
“Me too,” I admit.
“What are you going to do now?” I ask.
“I’m going to do everything in my power to help you through this while I try to let you go if it’s what you want me to do,” he says as he swallows hard.
I take his face in my hands this time. “You are a good man, Hendrix. And you will make someone very happy someday.”
He smiles again but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I hope so.”
“You will. And just know, the parts of me connected to London will always love you too.”
He leans his head against mine and then presses a soft kiss to my lips before standing tall again. “Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll help you clean this glass up. Then you can tell me how I can help you take your life back as yours. I hear you’re a real Valkyrie after all.”
He winks before walking past me and out of the bathroom.
Damn right, I am. I guess it took my sister’s boyfriend to remind me. Maybe the parts of her he carries with him will be enough to help me win the race against time to expose my stalker before he can finish what he started. In this race, winner takes all.