23. That Was Quick, Honey
That Was Quick, Honey
Doug
‘Like this, Daddy?’
Bowie holds up a stick she found for the fire, and I smile. It’s basically a matchstick, but she looks so proud.
‘That’s perfect, honey. Keep looking.’
I trail behind as Bo and Harley walk ahead, both of them looking for sticks for very different reasons.
I ran away. I keep trying to tell myself I just wanted to take advantage of my time with Bo and that she loves when we go camping, so this is all for her, but the truth is, I freaked out, packed up in the middle of the night and the second Bowie was awake, we jumped in my truck and headed to a camping spot I chose specifically for the lack of cell service.
I feel like shit, and at the same time, a part of me can’t stop remembering details of last night that make me feel on top of the fucking world.
The way she looked in that tour shirt, the way she clung to me when I picked her up. The way she gasped when I kissed her, as though I stole the breath right out of her.
Fuck , the way she trembled in my arms, somewhere between nerves and desire. I knew I should have stopped and walked away before it went too far. I told her to tell me to stop because I didn’t have the strength to stop it myself. I wanted her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, but when she said don’t stop, I almost passed out from the rush it gave me. The feel of her so fucking wet and tight, the scent of her, the sound of her climbing and falling apart for me—she was perfect. God damn, a better man would have fallen to his knees and proposed, knowing women like that don’t come around often, but I’m not a good man. I thought I was—walking out of that cabin showed me otherwise.
‘You’re not listening.’
Bo’s little voice snaps me out of my daydream, and I find her frowning up at me.
‘My goodness. I wasn’t, was I? I apologize, honey. What were you saying?’
‘I was telling you about the bug I saw, but it flew away. You need to consertate.’
I laugh at her mispronunciation, which makes her frown harder, her little hands coming to her hips.
‘Oh, you are right, I am very sorry, and I will concentrate harder.’ I bend down to look her in the eye and tap her little nose with my finger. ‘Shall we look for more bugs?’
She smiles and nods and turns to head off. I throw a stick ahead for Harley and make a promise to consertate and stop thinking about Cara.
While Bo sleeps soundly in the tent behind me, I sit by the fire alone. Well, with a snoring golden retriever by my side. Music plays softly from my phone in my lap, and I look up at the sky. It’s a clear night. The moon is big and bright, and hundreds of stars punch holes in the dark. I love this—the quiet, the gentle embrace of the spring air, and the crackle of the fire. I have a beer in my hand, my music, and my baby girl just a few feet away.
I pick up my phone and open the photos, typing the date I want to go back to into the search bar. I breathe deeply as I look down at the tiny girl in my arms. The second she was born, everything became about her. Damn, I remember it all so clearly—the first time I held her, and my mom had to guide me through how to do it because it was awkward, and I was freaking out about hurting her or dropping her, but it was perfect. I cried my heart out once I got comfortable enough to actually look down at her. She was so small, even smaller in my arms than in the rest of her family’s. I loved that—the way she looked so safe with me because that will always be the place she’s the safest.
Her soft skin blew my mind and that smell. God, that baby smell is something else. I remember sitting there in that hospital chair, my mom and my sisters around me, my baby girl in my arms, and I was high on her, high on the euphoria of being her dad and loving her so much that I could hardly breathe from the weight of it. I was so high that I even considered whether Jessie and I could make it work—be a family. She’d asked me while she was pregnant, said we were always supposed to be together, and we’d be good, we’d make it work, we’d be happy. For Bowie, I wondered if that was true. I hoped for a time that it was, but my sisters delivered some hard truths that night. While my baby was still in the hospital with her mom and we went home to get some rest, Zoe and Bree reminded me who Jessie was. She had shown her true colors too many times to ignore them. Bo would be better off with us apart from the start than to have to hear us fighting and breaking up further down the line. They were right. The bullshit started just a few weeks after Bowie was born, and Jessie was ready to start partying again.
I wanted to be a hands-on dad, it was always going to be that way, but I hate that it’s on Jessie’s terms. I just want my kid.
Jessie isn’t a good mom. That’s a shitty thing to think. I know it is, but it’s true. She puts her own wants ahead of Bo constantly. If I’m not available to take Bo at the drop of a hat, she drops her off to Zoe at the bar, to Merv at the diner, Bree at the station, or to my mom at the vet practice where she works. And although Bo loves it because they’re her family and they shower her with an insane amount of love, she spends more time with us than with the mom she lives with, and who demands child support from me, even though I’m supporting my kid myself in my own time, under my mom's roof.
Jessie’s been alone a long time. Her mom died when she was a kid, and her dad about a decade ago, and he was a son of a bitch, so she hasn’t had it easy, but it’s no excuse. All through her pregnancy, she would say she should have got an abortion and that she only kept it for child support. Then she’d say how she only kept the baby because she still loved me and wanted us to be together. It was always games with her. It’s always been like that as long as I’ve known her. Fact is, she doesn’t want to be a full-time mom, but keeping Bowie with her gives her something to use against me to get what she wants, so she won’t give her up. As long as she needs me, she needs Bo, and that’s why I have a fight on my hands.
I lift my bottle to my lips and realize it’s empty, so get up to grab another before flopping back into my chair. I pick up my phone and open the messages, scrolling to the thread to and from Jessie.
Jessie: Come and get your kid. I have plans.
Jessie: You need to get some work. You owe me money.
Jessie: I’m horny, come over…
Those ones come every now and again, but I never respond.
Jessie: Your kid is with your mom. I’m out of town.
Your kid. Never our daughter. Never Bowie. Your kid. Mine . I have got to get this shit done and dusted.
I back out of the thread and see the name I’m trying not to think about.
Cara.
The last messages were from a few days ago.
Me: Hey, Zo said you’ll be back in town tomorrow. Do you want to meet me up at the house, and I can walk you through the progress?
Jesus, I didn’t realize at the time how desperate I had been to see her; now I see it very clearly.
Cara: Yeah, that would be great. I should get back around 4.
Me: Great, sounds good. See you then.
I release a laugh, but there’s nothing funny about this. I really thought I had been doing okay staying away from her. I’d thought I’d been hiding my attraction to her, but I’m an idiot. It was as clear as a summer sky. I’d been the one texting her. I’d been the one chasing her down, pushing her to look at catalogs and discuss decisions that weren’t even close to urgent. I’d been the one to kiss her, the one to…
‘Ugh.’ I lean my head back and groan up at the sky. Years. Years of my life without so much as looking at a woman except in porn, and the first time I actually find myself into someone, really fucking into someone, I blow it all in a heartbeat.
Two nights away with my girl were perfect. We cooked on the fire, walked through the forest, talked about nature, and laughed a lot. She’s such a funny little thing. She’s good for the soul. Now we’re back in Forest Falls and about to face my family, and I have no idea if my sisters know about the dick move I pulled a couple of nights ago.
‘Well, if it isn’t our baby brother,’ Zoe says as I climb out of the truck and walk around to get Bowie out of her seat.
‘How was your little getaway?’ Bree asks beside her, and I grind my teeth… They know.
‘Don’t start,’ I growl as I pass them on the porch, Bo hot on my heels.
‘Hey, sweetie, you have a good time with Daddy?’ They turn their attention to my daughter, and I take the opportunity to disappear inside the house.
While my mom and Bo are around, I know I’m safe from my sisters, but once the baby is in bed and Mama goes up for her bath, I’m screwed.
I consider getting in my truck and heading to the bar, but honestly, I don’t want to be anywhere near the cabins.
‘I’ll take Bowie up,’ Mama says, and I groan. ‘Then I’ll go for my bath, so we’ll say goodnight now.’
Shit .
We say goodnight to Bo and Mama, and Merv offers me a sympathetic smile as he heads upstairs, too—I don’t think he knows what’s coming, but he knows something is. The gruesome twosome has been hinting at my impending ass-kicking all night.
‘And then there were three,’ Bree says, lifting her feet onto the coffee table.
‘Got something to say, chief?’ I snap, not in the mood for their games.
‘Me?’ She holds her hand to her chest and smiles sweetly. ‘Oh no. I got nothing.’
Fuck me.
‘You’re leading this then?’ I turn to glare at Zoe, and she smirks.
‘Leading what?’
‘Jesus Christ. Just say what you want to say.’
‘I just thought it was interesting,’ Zoe dials up the southern and turns her body toward me on the sofa. ‘That, when I went into work on Saturday morning, after you had sent Breanne to see if Cara was okay,’ I turn my stare on the other one. ‘And I checked the cameras to see if the construction guys had behaved on Friday night.’ Fuck. I drop my head back against the sofa. Fucking cameras. ‘That instead of seeing those dumbasses acting up, I see my brother kissing my friend and heading into her cabin with her.’
‘I mean, you did see those dumbasses acting up,’ Bree adds— helpfully .
‘Yes, you’re right, Breanne. I did, but Doug kicking the door on Cara’s cabin closed behind them was much more interesting.’
‘It’s not…’ I start, but Bree holds up her hand to shut me up.
‘Oh, I’m pretty sure I know it’s not, you dumbass, because when I came around at lunchtime and told Zoe how you sent me round there, and how you’d disappeared out of town with no notice, and how Cara’s eyes were all puffy like she’d cried a fuck ton the night before and had hardly any sleep, Zo told me about the cameras.’
‘And I was confused,’ Zoe says, ‘because I know, as grouchy as you are, you’re not an asshole who would hurt a woman.’ I snap my head toward Zoe. What the fuck does she think I did? ‘And I know you like Cara, and she thinks you’re hot, so crying all night after getting you inside her cabin and probably her panties didn’t seem to add up.’
‘So, we watched a little more and saw you leaving not long after you went in. And we know it’s been a while for you, so your stamina probably isn’t great, but that was quick, honey.’ Bree smiles sweetly as though she didn’t just imply that I’m a one-pump chump.
‘I didn’t have sex with her.’ I groan.
‘ And you looked so mad on the video. Storming out of there as though she pissed on your fire,’ Zoe takes the baton—this ongoing relay of a commentary is exhausting. ‘So, I think you should start talking because you ran one way, and Cara ran the other.’
‘What?’ I look at Zo, confused, and she tilts her head.
‘She left town.’
She what?
‘She went to stay with a friend for a bit,’ Bree explains. ‘Needed to get away.’
‘Why did she need to get away, Doug?’
‘I freaked out, okay? I didn’t mean to, but I did. I wanted to be there with her, and then I got scared.’
‘What happened?’ Bree asks in her law enforcement tone, and I turn to her.
‘I…’ Jesus, how do I say this to my sisters. ‘I kissed her once before, up at the house,’ I admit, and they look surprised. ‘And then when I saw her that night, I tried to fight it, but I lost the fight. I,’ I groan. ‘I got her off, and then I panicked that Jessie would find out, and I ran.’ The words come out in a rush that has both of my sisters glaring at me open-mouthed.
‘You got her off?’ Bree questions, and I nod.
‘You made her come?’ Zoe asks for further clarity.
‘Jesus, Zo. Yes, I already said that.’
‘Yes, you jackass, you did, but you don’t seem to understand the weight of it.’
I turn to look at her, not understanding, and she punches my bicep.
‘Ah, Zoe, what the fuck?’
‘She had never had an orgasm, dickhead. You fucking knew that.’
‘No, you said about the toys.’
‘She didn’t use them. We talked about it that day, but she hadn’t plucked up the courage yet.’
‘I didn’t know.’
‘But you knew no man had got her off, even if she had been using the toys or her fingers every second that she was alone, you knew that was going to mean something to her.’ Bree says a little more calmly than the feral cat on the other side of me. ‘You took her first orgasm and ran, Doug.’
Fuck.
‘I didn’t mean…’
‘You didn’t mean . It’s always that with you,’ Zoe snaps. ‘You didn’t mean to break our doll house when you were nine, you didn’t mean to fuck Jessie in Mom’s bed when you were seventeen, you didn’t mean to knock her up, you didn’t mean to hurt Cara.’
I exhale sharply at the expression on Zoe’s face. She’s mad, like really mad.
‘She’s soft, Doug. I mean, she’s tough, she’s braver than she knows, but she’s sweet and careful. It took a lot for her to admit her inexperience and to want to take charge of it. It meant a lot to her, and you stole that experience.’
‘Thing is, I’m pretty sure there’s nobody she would have preferred it to be than you,’ Bree says, and I marvel at the difference in their tone. Zoe, pissed and frantic. Bree, disappointed and calm. Somehow, Bree is way scarier. ‘She likes you, Doug. She hasn’t said as much, but she jolts as though she’s been electrocuted whenever she hears your name, and she searches the diner, the bar, wherever as soon as she enters, looking for you.’
‘You don’t know that,’ I say, my voice quiet.
‘Yeah, we do. We knew from day one that she thought you were hot, but now she knows you more, it’s obvious. She doesn’t know we know, but we know.’
I lean forward, dropping my head into my hands.
I fucked up way more than I thought.
‘So, what are you going to do about it?’ Zoe places her hand on my back and speaks more softly, the change making me turn my head to the side to look at her as she smiles softly.
‘Zo, I can’t…’
‘Then tell her why.’
‘She deserves an explanation, Doug.’ Bree backs up her twin, and I nod. I know she does.
‘When is she coming back?’
‘Thursday night, said she’ll be back around six.’
Four days. Four days to think about what the hell I’m going to say to explain how much I like her and how I can’t do a fucking thing about it.