14. Izzie
Dad’s clothes are mud-stained, and his usually tidy hair is messed up and scruffy.
“I was worried about you, Izzie.”
He hugs me tight, and when I pull away I notice the deep lines on his face and dark shadows under his eyes.
“Have you slept?”
He runs a hand down his face. “Not much. There were a lot of people who needed help.”
I scan his face, and his eyes are haunted. It’s not just the storm. It’s the anniversary.
I’ve never spent one without Dad. He was probably so busy looking after everyone else that he didn’t think about it. But that’s not always good. You need to get the grief out, as I learned in Jagger’s arms.
A delicious shiver goes through me as I remember this morning. Giving myself to Jagger felt so good, so right.
“You’re cold. We need to get your home.”
Dad takes off his jacket and drapes it over my shoulders.
“I’m fine, Dad. But how about you? When’s the last time you ate?”
He looks too thin, and I bet he’s had nothing but coffee to keep him going.
He shrugs. “I can’t remember.”
He’s never been great at looking after himself, and with the storm over he needs a good meal and rest.
“Let’s get home, and I’ll cook some chicken and a big serving of veggies. You look like you need some greens.”
He smiles at me fondly. “You sound just like your mother.”
A few days ago, those word might have made me cry, but I’ve mourned this year. I’ve had an outpouring, and it feels like a weight’s been lifted off me.
I’ve never told anyone about the last words I spoke to Mom, about the argument we had. But telling Jagger let something loose inside me. The guilt I’ve been harboring broke free. I’ll always miss Mom, but I feel lighter than I have in years. And it’s all thanks to Jagger.
I glance around the yard to catch his eye, but he’s already gone. An uneasy feeling starts in my gut, but I ignore it and head after him.
He’s around the side of the cabin, tying Gertie to a post.
“I’m going to follow Dad back to his place.”
Jagger nods but doesn’t look up at me. I’m not sure what I want him to say. The knot in my stomach grows.
“Do you want to join us for dinner?”
He ties off the knot, and the goat ambles off to chew on a patch of wet grass.
“Got some things to tidy up around here.”
He doesn’t look at me as he says it, and my heart stops for a moment. The connection we shared, the intimacy we shared, it’s like it never happened.
He looks out over the yard toward the mountains heavy with mist.
“Tomorrow then?” I hate the note of desperation that climbs into my voice. But this can’t be how it ends. I gave myself to this man, and I’m either incredibly naive or there’s something I’m missing.
“You must come down and see us.” Dad comes up behind me and rests a hand on my shoulder, stopping the words I want to say and any answer from Jagger.
“I owe you a drink for taking care of my girl.”
Jagger winces at the words. So slight my father wouldn’t notice it. But there it is. He’s embarrassed by what we did. He regrets it. I seduced him, and he let me. He has no intention of standing up to my father and going after what he wants. Because he doesn’t want me.
The realization is like a hit to the stomach. I sag against my father, and my bones suddenly feel weary.
I stumble, and Dad catches me. Jagger glances at me, a look of remorse in his eyes. He reaches out, but I turn away. I won’t let him see the tears that sting my eyes.
I walk to my Jeep like I’m in a daze. Minty bounds over to lick my hand, and I stroke her soft ears.
“Goodbye girl.”
Jagger calls after me, but I ignore him as I start the engine.
I don’t look back as I follow Dad down the mountain.