Chapter 35 Declan
He gives himself fully to me. I repeat it over and over in my head.
I hope he realizes what that means. He will never leave my side again.
I kiss him gently, although I want to ravage him.
I want to reclaim him, remove any doubt that he is mine.
He’s hurt, and I can see the pain in every one of his movements.
“I don’t want you to get in trouble or get caught doing that to those guys,” Xavier says when I end the kiss. “What if your family finds out?”
“They already know. They’re the ones that helped me get you back.”
Xavier’s eyes go wide in shock at my statement.
Alessia, Kieran, Dad, and I discussed what to tell him about us.
Of course, Dad and Kieran didn’t think it would be a good idea to spill the whole thing to him.
Alessia overrode them. She thinks there should not be any secrets in this family, and Xavier is now family.
“The whole family? Declan, you and your family can’t do this.
Not because of me. We’ll call the police and make up a story. ”
He grips my shoulders.
“It’s okay, A Ghrá, calm down.” I try to soothe him.
“No, it’s not okay.” He shakes his head.
“I already explained to you that I will protect you. I will kill anyone who hurts you. That is what we do.” I try to explain. His abusers aren’t the first ones we’ve taken out, and they won’t be the last. Xavier is part of my world now. There will be no secrets between us.
“What do you mean, that’s what we do?” Xavier’s voice is quiet, his eyes searching mine.
“We punish those who hurt others. There will never be secrets between us, Xavier. That goes both ways. Don’t ever hide things from me.
” Xavier makes a face that I can’t read.
I brush his hair back from his forehead.
His hair is dirty because he has been out for three days and has been unable to shower.
It irritates me that his curls aren’t soft.
It only adds to my anger. “I don’t know what that look means. Tell me what you are thinking.”
“Sometimes you scare me a little. Will you hurt me if I don’t do exactly what you say? You don’t seem to have an issue hurting others. What happens when you get mad at me?”
“Never. I will never hurt you. Think back, Xavier. Even over the short time we have been together, you have pushed back, told me no, ran from me, and not once did I raise a hand to you. Hurting you would be the same as hurting myself. I hate to see you like this.” I gesture to his bandages.
“And no, I don’t have an issue hurting others, but Aunt Alessia makes sure the targets deserve it. ”
“You kill people,” Xavier says so quietly that I barely hear him.
“Is that a question?”
Xavier shakes his head and pulls back from me. A small groan and a yelp of pain escape him when he does.
“Stop moving, Xavier,” I say, reaching toward him. “You’re hurting yourself. Don’t pull away from me.”
“You just admitted you hurt people. That you kill people, Declan — that your whole family is part of it.” Tears spill down his cheeks.
“Calling the police is the right thing to do. I should call them.” His voice breaks. “I finally find someone, and he turns out to be a murderer. Fuck.” He lets out a watery laugh. “Just my luck.”
“We only hurt people who hurt others and get away with it,” I say.
“We make sure they’re guilty before we act,” I tell him, what Alessia always says.
Maybe that’s why she drilled it into us.
The truth is, I don’t actually care what our targets did.
I only know that if she didn’t give us someone to hunt, innocents would get hurt.
I’m not telling Xavier that.
“That’s supposed to make it better? Isn’t that what the justice system is for? Doesn’t it bother you?” He shakes his head and then answers his own question before I can respond. “No, of course it doesn’t.” His head falls forward. “I’m so stupid.”
“Don’t say that about yourself.”
“Well, I am. When Alessia told me about you and your family, I only thought about how you would feel about me. How I would have to learn your quirks. How I would have to deal with you not being able to read my emotions and social cues. I was too wrapped up in our relationship to see the bigger picture. You’re a killer.
” Xavier runs his hand across his cheeks to wipe away his tears.
“I would never hurt you, A Ghrá.”
“How can you say that? How can you make that promise to me when you don’t feel anything?” His voice rises on the last part. I can’t lose him over this. I won’t let it happen.
“I do feel, Xavier. It may not be what you think it should be, but I feel. When I met you, I felt attraction. When I touch you, I feel desire. When I take care of you, I feel content. When those bastards took you, I felt rage, fear, and I was fucking scared. Those last two I have never felt before. You make me feel those things. I can’t change who or what I am, Xavier.
You are my world, and I would never hurt you.
” I cup his face in my hand. “I promise you that.”
“But you kill people. How am I supposed to be okay with that?”
I start to answer him, but Alessia speaks from behind me. I didn’t hear her come in, and neither did Xavier.
“He will never hurt you, Xavier. If he even thinks about it, I will make him suffer.” Ah, there she is, the southern belle turned warrior. We all think she is secretly like us, but she won’t admit it.
“You will?”
“Absolutely. Now Declan has decided that you need to know about our family. I should have been here because, well, we both know Declan explains things in a caveman way. I swear, if he and the boys could get away with just grunts, they would.”
She moves to sit on the other side of Xavier, careful not to jostle him.
“There are those in this world who need to be stopped. My best friend growing up tried to escape an abusive relationship. She and her unborn daughter died because the police and the justice system did nothing. Kieran and Duncan helped me get justice for Connie. I was heartbroken about losing my friend, so I created the foundation to help other Connies out there. I found so many women who would end up just like her if nothing was done.”
“We get rid of the trash, Xavier. I make sure that the punishment fits the crime and the guys carry it out. We stand for those who have no one else to turn to. But it’s not all altruistic; there is another reason we do it.
” She glances over at me, then back at Xavier.
He has been listening intently to Alessia’s story.
He nods in all the right places. But this next part will be the true test of his understanding.
“What is it?”
“We have spent a lot of time talking about Declan and the others. I’ve been helping you understand them.
This gives them an outlet for their darker impulses.
I won’t allow them to hurt the innocent.
It’s my way of keeping them safe while doing some good.
Can you accept that? Can you accept this part of not only Declan but all of us? ”
“It’s still wrong.” Xavier shakes his head. “I don’t know if I can stay and be a part of all this.” His shoulders slump, and he grips his hands tightly in his lap. He is no longer leaning into me.
He’s going to leave me. The rational part of my brain understands this, but the rest of me wants to stop him. He will come around. He has to… doesn’t he? I want it to be his choice… as long as he chooses me.
“Is it wrong?” I ask.
Xavier looks down at his hands, which he is holding tightly in his lap. I’ve never needed to understand someone more than I do now. I need to know what he’s thinking. He said he gave himself to me completely, but it doesn’t feel that way. He’s quiet for so long.
“The bastards that were going to kill you killed six other people. I am going to stop them. You said that you gave yourself to me completely. This is part of who I am. I need you to stay with me,” I plead with him.
My heart is being ripped out, and I know that it shows on my face. I’ve never begged anyone before.
Xavier looks over at me and studies my face. He reaches up and puts his hand on the side of my face.
“You’re my black knight. You’ve saved me so many times over the past couple of weeks. I can accept it. But I don’t think I can do it myself, even if they deserve it.”
“I will be your weapon, Xavier.” I kiss him gently again.
“Good, I’m glad to hear that. There are other ways you can help the foundation, but that is a conversation for another day.” She stands to leave but turns. “Welcome to Clan Murphy.”
He smiles, a genuine smile that lights up his whole face. Even with the bruises, he’s still beautiful. Alessia returns it before leaving.
“Why haven’t you killed them yet?”
“I was here with you. Dad and the others are keeping them alive until I get there. I wasn’t going to leave you alone until you woke up.”
“You have been here the whole time?”
“I have. Well, Alessia made me take showers, but the rest of the time I have been with you.”
Xavier gives me one of those breathtaking smiles. “I love you.”
“A Ghrá.”
“I’ll be okay by myself,” he starts to say, and I try to cut him off, but he shakes his head, “let me finish. I want this over with. I don’t want it hanging out there anymore. End it for me, Declan. Be my weapon, my hero. Then come back to me so we can start our lives together.”
I help him back down on the bed. I know that he hates to sleep on his front, so I wedge a pillow under his side. The pain pills are already kicking in, and he smiles sleepily at me. “Come back when it’s done.”
I stay long enough for him to fall asleep. I take out my phone and call Dad.
“It’s time.”
“I’ll meet you there.”
I want to make this last for days, weeks, even months. But Xavier wants it finished, so that’s what I’ll give him.