Chapter 37 Xavier
I wake up to a darkened room. For a moment, I don’t know where I am. The shadows play tricks on my mind. I see Brian standing over me with that fucking cane in his hand, ready to unleash more hell on me. I can’t breathe.
“Please, no more!” I try to yell, but my voice comes out as a whisper. I try to cover my face only to realize I am lying on my side in a large, soft bed.
“You’re safe, Xavier. No one will hurt you,” a gentle female voice says in the dark. She turns on the bedside lamp, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see Alessia kneeling beside me. “You’re safe.” She repeats and reaches out to brush my hair back from my forehead.
“Declan?” I ask. I want Declan with me. He will keep the demons away.
I should be worried that my attachment to him is a trauma response.
But I wanted him from the moment I first saw him.
It may be sudden and something outsiders can’t understand, but I belong to him, and he belongs to me.
He has proven himself to be my protector.
“He should be back soon. He’s with the others, taking care of those men. Can I get you anything? How about some more soup? Henry said that you can have some more substantial foods. I had the chef prepare some chicken chowder for you.”
My stomach makes itself known as soon as she mentions food. I nod my head. “That would be great. Thank you. And thank you for helping me.”
“It’s nothing. You’re family now.” She kisses my forehead before leaving the room.
Family, I’m family now, she said. I’m not sure I even know what that really means.
Even when my dad was alive, my mother never cared if I was there or not.
When Tara was born, I might as well not have existed.
Now it’s all about what I owe her. I’ve been out of it for three days, and it was six days before that since I last talked to her.
Would she even care that I was kidnapped and hurt?
I know that she saw Declan and me together; hell, the whole world saw us.
The toxic relationship needs to end. I’m going to be the bad guy in the situation, especially to her crony friends.
And you know what, I don’t give a damn. She’s never loved me, and she never will.
I’m so in my head that at first I don’t realize I’m not alone until fingers brush away the tears rolling down my cheek. I look up to be met with the most gorgeous green eyes in the world.
“Are you hurting? Want me to get you some pain meds?”
“It’s not that kind of hurt.”
“Tell me what is making you cry, A Ghrá, and I will make it go away.”
“I’m going to cut my mother out of my life,” I say, but then quickly add, “but I don’t want her dead. Promise me, Declan.”
“Okay, for now. Aunt Alessia said she is bringing you some food. Let’s get you up so you can eat.” He kisses my forehead before helping me sit up. Aside from some pulling on the tape and stitches, it’s not really that bad. Well, not bad until I get a whiff of myself.
“Ugh, I stink. Do you think I can get a shower soon? I don’t know how you can stand smelling me right now.”
“I’ll ask the doctor what needs to be done. We’ll get you clean. I miss your smell. You always smell like sunshine to me.”
I laugh. “I don’t think that is actually a scent that you can smell.”
“Sure it is. It’s clean and bright. Uniquely you.” He leans in and kisses me so gently. I miss the rough side of him. I want to be taken by him, completely owned. I want to deepen the kiss, but Alessia picks that moment to bring in the tray.
“Good, you are already up. Let’s get you fed. Henry will be here shortly. He called a few minutes ago to let us know.”
“Thanks again. This smells wonderful. The broth was good, but I really am starving.” I pick up the spoon, but Declan takes it from me. “I think I can feed myself today. I really do feel better.”
“I want to do it,” he says before blowing on the spoon and holding it out to me. He really does like to care for me. We sit in silence as he feeds me.
“Well, how are you feeling this evening, Xavier?” Dr. Wright asks when he comes into the room.
I tell him that I’m hurting less now, and he nods. “That’s good to hear. I need to check the wounds and apply more cream. But it’s safe to say that you are well on your way to healing.”
“He wants to take a shower,” Declan says, and it’s not a question. It makes me smile. He said before that he would give me whatever I want. I make a promise to him in my head to never take advantage of him.
“That should be fine as long as someone is there in case he falls. Try to keep them from having a hard spray hit his back. I’ll leave the cream for one of you to apply.”
“I’ll take care of it. I watched what you did last time.”
“Good, now if you’re finished eating, I’ll do my side of things, and then you can get that shower.”
Declan removes the tray from my lap so the doctor can remove my bandages to check my wounds.
He says everything looks good, but I am watching Declan’s face, not the doctor’s.
The usual casual look that he wears is gone; in its place is something dark.
It’s because of the scars that I know I will have.
My once smooth skin is now marked by what happened to me.
When we would lie in bed together, he would always caress my back; now he will feel the ridges of the scars.
Will he still want me? He says so now, but will that last? He notices that I am watching him.
“What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, just really want that shower.” I try to smile, but it’s half-hearted.
I try to hide my fear from him. The doctor finishes his exam and explains to Declan what needs to be done for wound care.
Dr. Wright hasn’t even left the room yet before Declan scoops me up into his arms. Again, he is so gentle with me, like I’m spun glass ready to break at the smallest thing.
He carries me to the bathroom and sits me on the closed toilet.
“Wait for me to get you a change of clothes.” He says as he finishes adjusting the water temperature.
He just saw my back, but for some reason, I don’t want him to look at it again.
I wasn’t perfect before, so it shouldn’t make a difference now.
A tear slips out as I wait for him to come back into the bathroom.
He checks the water before turning to me.
“Why the tears, A Ghrá?”
I shake my head, not wanting to tell him.
“Can I just get in the shower, please?” Reaching out his hand, I take it to stand up.
My legs feel wobbly since I haven’t used them in three days.
Without loosening his grip, Declan holds me steady and helps me step out of my sleep pants.
He ushers me forward to step into the shower, but that puts my back to him.
I don’t want him to look again, not right now.
I couldn’t take it if I saw any type of rejection or disappointment in his eyes.
I try to turn my back away from him. There are marks on my front as well, but they’re fading.
Declan cocks his head at me. “I thought you wanted a shower. What’s going on?” He releases me long enough to pull his shirt over his head. “Tell me.”
Taking a deep breath, I decide to tell him. “I don’t want you to see my back any more than you already have.”
“Do you think it bothers me?”
I nod and can’t help the tears again. I swear I have cried more since I met Declan than in the last ten years.
He unbuttons his pants and lets them slide to the floor. “The only thing that bothers me about your wounds is that I didn’t protect you well enough. That I didn’t get to you soon enough.” He steps out of his jeans and presses his body against mine. His warmth is a comfort that I crave.
“But you know what else? When I look at you, I see a strong man. A man who survived something horrible. That’s the main thing I see when I look at you.
” He leans down and kisses me harder than he has over the past several days.
I’m not ready for the roughness yet, but that isn’t what matters.
What matters is that he still wants me — and that when I am ready, he will be there.
It makes me fall for him all over again.
He helps me into the shower and washes me.
His hands are gentle as he glides the washcloth over my body.
It’s almost ceremonial to me. He’s washing not only the dirt and grime away but also the phantom touches of those bastards.
By the time he gets to my hair, I’m putty to his touch.
He washes himself quickly and helps me out.
Grabbing a towel, he starts the task of drying me off.
“What, no heated towel racks?” I tease.
“If we were staying here longer, I would have one installed for you.” I look at his face and see that he is serious about it.
“I’m only joking. Until I stayed with you, I’ve never had one, so it doesn’t bother me.” I smile at him. “I love you,” I say. I don’t expect him to say it back.
“I love you too.”
In the bedroom, I notice that the sheets have been changed and the room is clean.
I will be forever thankful to Alessia for letting me stay here and all that she has done for me.
I want my life back. Not the old one where I am alone, but my new one.
The one that has family and Declan in it.
There is just one thing I want to know before I can move on.
“Did you end it?” I ask Declan tentatively. I want to know what he did, but I’m also afraid of the answer.
“Yes.”
“So they’re dead?”
“Yes. Do you want details?” I stiffen against him. He pulls back the covers and guides me down, settling beside me and drawing me close.
“I don’t know if I do.” My fingers trace small patterns on his chest.
“That’s okay. Just know they will never hurt anyone else again.” He runs his fingers through my still-damp hair.
“Did they suffer? Is it bad that I hope they did? I shouldn’t want that… but I do.”
“You have every right to want pieces of shit to suffer. They deserved it,” he says.
“I know.” I push up slightly to face him. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Let’s get some sleep. It’s been a long day.” Declan coaxes me back onto his chest.
“You’re safe, Xavier. You’re with me.” I hear him whisper those words several more times before I fall asleep.
Kevin is grinning down at me. Brad rears back with the cane and strikes again and again. My skin is on fire.
I can’t take any more. Help me. Please help me.
“Xavier, wake up. Baby, you need to wake up.” I hear a voice calling to me from the dark that surrounds me. Hands grip my wrists. I scream and try to pull free.
“Xavier!” Declan yells.
I open my eyes. My hands won’t move and panic floods me. I thrash against the hold. Then it’s gone.
“Let me go!”
“You’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you, Xavier.” He holds up his hands. Then he moves back to give me some space.
He’s right, I think. He would never hurt me. He proves that to me every day.