Chapter 13 #2
“I know orcs call their parters Mate, I’ve been around enough of them this week.” Her irritation was back. I’d rather her be angry, but irritated was better than sad. “I know it’s part of you claiming me, and that’s okay—I was happy to be claimed for a little while.”
“A little while? Mating is forever!”
“Nothing is forever. I know how guys think, Brakkor. I showed back up into your life, you knew I was a good lay, and you convinced yourself that you wanted more than just a one-night stand. That’s okay, as long as we’re honest about it.”
She looked so fucking certain that she was right. When I shook my head, she nodded, then had the gall to move her hand from the door knob to my chest, her expression intent. As if she was educating me on my own feelings?
“And since you’re always honest about your feelings, I need you to respect me enough to be honest about this; you know that just calling me your Mate isn’t going to…” She waved one hand around, but I wasn’t sure what she was trying to encompass.
Then she sighed and seemed to deflate. “Brakkor, the last two weeks have been amazing—and I’ve really enjoyed the last few days—but it’s not what you want.
And that’s okay,” she said too gently, as if she knew what I wanted.
“But I’ve been in this spot before, and I’m not going to hang around, taking the scraps of affection you can offer me—like calling me Mate instead of Kitten—until you get tired of me.
People don’t change, Brakkor, they only change what they think you want to hear.
You wanted a hookup, you got a hookup—and that’s good enough. ”
“Good enough?” I rasped, my hand rising to cover hers. “Gods below, Joss, who hurt you? Who the fuck twisted your understanding of love—”
“It’s not twisted.” Her voice had gone all hard, and she tugged her hand out from under mine, her chin rising as her gaze dropped.
“My ex, Chad, did the same thing. Said he wanted something casual, and I was just flattered he wanted me, so I stuck around as his occasional fuck-buddy. Then he decided he wanted more, and I was thrilled. I actually thought he cared for me, so I moved in and made my life all about him.”
Oh fucking hells, I could see where this was going. My heart was hurting, and at the same time, it seemed as if my Kteer woke up, rumbling in simmering anger over the harm this guy had done her.
“Chad was an asshole,” I snarled, only afterwards realizing the word had been applied to me more than once. More than fifty thousand times, truthfully.
Jocelyn shrugged. “Yeah, well, I fell for it. I thought we were happy, but when he started sleeping with another woman, he told me it was because I was smothering him.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed, my claws springing free. “He needs a beating.”
Her lips twitched, and she turned the doorknob again.
“Not arguing there. But you see?” She raised sad eyes to meet mine.
“You said you wanted to keep it casual, just like Chad, and I appreciated that you were honest. You don’t need to start calling me Mate or whatever to get me to stay—I stayed because I was having fun. ”
Why was that in the past tense? “Joss…”
“I’m not going to love you, Brakkor. I’m not going to open myself up to more pain like that.”
And it hit me like a punch in the chest, the ones Korrad used to give me when he thought I was being an idiot. So strong, I actually took a step back, horror tinting the world around me black.
She loved me already.
My Mate loved me, and I loved her, and she was walking the fuck away.
“Too late,” I rasped.
Her chuckle was watery as she pulled the door open. “Yeah, maybe. I was dumb enough to fall in love with you, but I’m not going to wait around and give you all the power to hurt me with it. I’m keeping things casual.”
“But you don’t want that.”
I knew it was the truth.
“I don’t want to be hurt again,” she countered, and wheeled her suitcase between us as a barrier. “I’m not going to wait for you to get tired of me, or for you to decide I’m smothering you. I might love you, Brakkor, but that’s why I can’t stay.”
Because she thought I would be the one to leave her.
Oh, fucking hells. She was walking away, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to convince her not to. She didn’t understand that Mating wasn’t a choice, wasn’t something which could be dismissed or turned aside. Jocelyn was my future…and she didn’t believe me.
Now she slipped out the door, tears actively streaming down her face.
Standing there in the hall of the condo building, she took a deep breath. “I’m going to load my stuff into my car, then I’m heading to the town council meeting. I can text you what they say, if you want.”
My throat felt like ash. “I’ll be there,” I told her dully, my claws digging into the doorjamb to keep me upright. “Joss, I…Please.”
But she shook her head. “If the town council agrees, then my work will be done. It’s the best for everyone if I just head to the ferry terminal after that.” Her grin was weak, watery. “Thanks for everything, Brakkor. I’ll never forget you.”
Then the elevator dinged, and she was gone.
Gone.
In shock, I slowly closed the door so none of my neighbors would see me fall apart. Because when I knew it was safe, I slid to my knees, then my ass, there in the middle of my empty apartment.
And for the first time in a very long time, felt completely hollow.
I’d found my Mate, fallen in love with her, and she didn’t believe me.
How could I convince her?