28. What’s Holding You Back?
What’s Holding You Back?
Zoe
‘Oh my god, this couch is so comfy.’
I lean back, happily sinking into the sofa that wants to eat me alive.
‘You do realize your brother has probably had sex exactly where you’re sitting, right?’
‘Oh my god, Missy.’ I jump up as she laughs, and I look at the sofa as though it betrayed me. ‘You’re disgusting.’
‘But I’m right. They’ve banged on every surface of this place, I guarantee it.’
I look around, unsure where to sit, when Bree and Cara walk back into the room carrying trays of snacks and drinks.
‘Why are you standing in the middle of the room?’ Cara asks, confusion etched on her features.
‘She’s trying to find a spot that’s not likely to have yours and Doug’s bodily fluids on it.’
Bree cackles right along with Missy, while Cara goes a guilty shade of pink.
‘Maybe I should get some blankets.’
The witches of Forest Falls laugh harder as Cara leaves the room, and I grimace.
‘So, Zoe Addison Campbell, you called this meeting of our little coven here. What’s on your mind?’ Bree leans back against the couch from her spot on the floor, and I don’t correct her, but she keeps Campbell -ing me.
‘Does it have anything to do with tall, tattooed, and handsome?’ Missy asks over the top of her wine glass. ‘The tension between y’all makes my panties wet.’
I take a deep breath and blow it out.
‘I really need to talk about this, and I never had a group of girlfriends before. I’ve only ever had Bree, so I’m not used to keeping secrets. Bree knows I farted before I do.’ They laugh, but I have too much on my mind. ‘Cara, what I need to discuss cannot, under any circumstances, leave this room, and I don’t want to make things weird for you, so before I say anything, I need you to decide if you are comfortable keeping something from Doug. I wouldn’t put you in that position without asking.’
Cara’s brow furrows and she swallows. She never had friends at all before us, so I know she’ll feel weird about this.
‘Is it something that will hurt him?’
‘Potentially.’
‘No, it won’t hurt him,’ Bree cuts in. ‘It’ll piss him off for a bit, but he’ll get over it.’
I meet her gaze, and she gives me her chief of police look, the one that says, ‘don’t argue with me because I’m right, you’re wrong’.
Cara must read it, too, because she says, ‘As long as it’s not hurting him in any way, I’ll keep your secret, Zo. You need your friends, and we’re here.’
I smile, happy that I pretty much forced Cara into a friendship with Bree and me when she moved to town. I love her.
‘ So, Leo …’ Missy pushes, smirking like she has all the answers.
‘Yeah, Leo.’ I nod. ‘He wants us to be together.’
‘Oh my god, I thought y’all were just fuckin’.’
‘Jesus, Missy, you need to get laid. You’re like a bitch on heat.’
‘I do,’ she laughs, ‘but enough about me.’
‘I told him months ago he couldn’t be a part of my life. It was a whole thing, but then when I see him, even when I don’t, I miss him so much. Then he showed up at my place the other day and asked me to go out with him, and when I said no…’
‘You said no?’ Missy snaps, and I meet her genuinely concerned gaze.
‘Of course, I did, we can’t be together.’
‘Why not?’ Cara asks.
‘Because he’s Leo. He’s family.’
‘I mean, Cara’s boyfriend is her niece’s father.’
‘You’re so helpful this evening, Missy.’ I roll my eyes. ‘One, Cara had no idea Jessie was her sister, and two, she doesn’t have decades of history between her and our family. Leo is Doug’s best friend. He shared a whole life with us,’ I look to Bree, ‘he’s Luke’s cousin.’
‘Who’s Luke?’
The air rushes out of me at the sound of Cara’s question. She’s been in Forest Falls for months. She’s in a relationship with my brother. I just assumed she would know and I wouldn’t have to be the one to tell her about him, but somehow, in all the drama that unfolded, he never came up, not even once.
I close my eyes for just a second, then turn to face Cara.
‘Luke was my husband.’
‘Okay, so you married his cousin, and Leo moved out of town the second he was old enough, but y’all stayed close, and then Luke died, and now, eleven years later, Leo wants to date you?’ Missy recaps, and I nod. ‘But you have already slept with him, right?’
I nod again, knowing Bree blurted that secret out at our first girls’ night months ago.
‘So what’s the problem? Obviously, you’re attracted to him, and clearly, he’s into you. You know he cares about you, and he’s fine as hell.’
‘Leo is the best, really. He’s an amazing man, but he’s—’
‘A whore,’ Bree finishes, and Cara gasps.
‘I mean, he doesn’t get paid for it, but he has a lot of it. He’s never had a relationship at all. He just hooks up and moves on.’
‘So…’ Missy pushes.
‘So, I’m not looking for casual.’
‘I don’t imagine that’s what he’s offering you. He knows you well enough to know what you’re looking for, right?’
I huff my frustration.
‘Doug said he’s changed.’ We all turn to Cara, and she shrugs. ‘We were talking about him once after we went to dinner with him in the city, and I asked why he was still single, you know, because he’s a looker and has a lot going for him.’ She flushes a little pink in the cheeks, and I smile softly. ‘Doug said Leo had never wanted to settle down before, but then things changed for him, and he stopped sleeping around months ago.’
‘He said that?’ I question, without really meaning to, and she nods.
‘Yeah, he had a, um,’ she bites her lip like she doesn’t want to say what she’s already started.
‘Go on,’ Bree prompts in the way only Bree can.
‘He thought he got someone pregnant, and when she wasn’t, he had an epiphany, I guess.’
I inhale shakily. ‘Oh my god.’ My voice is a whisper as my hand comes up to my chest.
‘Honey.’ I feel Bree’s hand on my shoulder, and I turn to look into her eyes. ‘Go, talk to him.’
‘Wait, was that you?’ Missy asks, but I can’t tear my gaze from Bree’s.
‘I can’t.’ I stand and pace out of the room to the kitchen. I hear them all hot on my heels, but I don’t stop.
‘What’s holding you back?’ Cara asks.
‘All of it,’ I call out, losing my grip on my emotions.
‘One at a time, honey.’ My twin reaches out for my hand, Cara takes the other, and Missy takes one each of theirs until we’re standing in a circle.
‘He’s Luke’s cousin.’
‘Luke is gone, Zo, he isn’t coming back, and I know he would be happy you both found happiness.’
Tears wash over my eyes, and I shake my head.
‘What if Buck doesn’t forgive me?’ The first tears escape.
‘Buck adores you, Zoe, and he would get to see his son in love. There’s nothing to forgive.’
‘He’ll think we betrayed Luke.’
‘No, he won’t.’
I swallow as more tears roll down my cheeks.
‘Next?’ Missy prompts softly.
‘He’s Doug’s best friend.’
‘Doug will get over it,’ Cara says, with no hesitation whatsoever.
‘He lives in the city.’
‘It’s only an hour away,’ Missy replies.
‘I’m afraid I won’t be enough — that he’ll miss having multiple women.’
‘Sweetie, you are more than enough.’ Bree squeezes my hand.
‘Besides, we’ve heard you talk about sex,’ Missy smirks, ‘I know you’re a demon in the sack. He’ll be more than satisfied.’
They all laugh, and the moment feels good, but I’m still weighed down by doubt, guilt, and what feels like a million other emotions.
‘If it doesn’t work, I’ll lose him. I’m scared of losing him.’
‘Zoe, don’t let fear of losing him stop you having forever with him.’ My watery eyes meet Cara’s, and she shrugs. ‘I almost lost Doug because of my own insecurities. I thought I couldn’t trust him anymore, and it almost broke us for good. If my dad hadn’t pushed me to be brave and trust that he loved me, I don’t think I’d have come back to him, and that thought is unbearable because I’ve never known anything like the way we love each other.’ She swallows, and the tears that escape me now are ones of joy — that’s my baby brother she’s talking about. ‘Leo treasures your friendship and your history as much as you do, Zo. Trust that he wouldn’t risk it if he weren’t serious.’
‘Oh my god.’ I exhale the words.
‘You promised him you’d live, Zo.’ Bree squeezes my hand, and I bend forward at the hips, releasing a loud sigh, a breath of realization. I need to let go. I need to live, and I need to love… I think I already do.
Lying in bed with Bree, listening to her ridiculously adorable little snores next to me, I stare up at the bedroom ceiling. Missy is in one guest room, and despite there being another, I’m sharing with my sister; I shared a womb with her — she’s my comfort blanket.
Bree shifts and turns over, and I take a deep breath, then shuffle down and try to get comfortable, but my mind is running wild. I reach for my cell phone and open the photos app, scrolling to the album marked favorites .
I scroll through a stupid number of photos of my beautiful niece, Bowie, until I get to the picture I was looking for. I smile. Leo is laughing, hanging Bowie upside down by her ankles. I remember her shrieks of sheer joy and excitement at that moment. I remember Mama’s fussing that all the food she’d eaten was going to come back up. I remember the sweet way he turned her around and put her down with a kiss on the top of her head and then the way he’d looked up at me, for the briefest moment, a small smile lifting one side of his mouth before he turned and walked away. I swallow down the lump in my throat.
I saw Leo every day for the first twenty years of my life, then every week for the next four. When Luke died, Leo was right by my side. Keeping him close kept Luke alive in a way, but before I knew it, it was Leo I craved instead of my husband.
In the dark and quiet, I can admit that truth. One I’ve never spoken aloud. I turn to look over at Bree. I love her so much. She’s my sister, my twin by sheer luck, and my best friend by choice, but even she doesn’t know that because I hid it from everyone.
I let things get weird and lost my best friend in the process. I smirk into the darkness — I can’t let Doug ever hear me call Leo my best friend — I mean, their bromance is adorable, but Leo and I, we always had our own thing. We had a connection that was just for us, just ours, and I threw it away. Not only did I fuck it up. I used the fuck up to push me headfirst into dating like it’s an Olympic sport, and I’m going for gold.
I’ve been on so many dates these past few months that I forgot what I was even looking for. I’m just stuck on a hamster wheel that I can’t find a way off.
I open my messages and scroll back to my neglected thread with Leo. We used to text every day. Now, the last messages between us are from months ago.
We had all got together once Cara came back to town and she and Doug went public. He and I had circled each other the whole day, putting on a show like nothing ever changed between us while feeling the reality of just how much it had.
Leo: Good to see you today, Munch x
I didn’t text him back. I had told myself I needed to keep my distance from him, and I was sticking to it, no matter how much I hated it. And I do hate it. I want him in my life. I want him .
Fuck it. Without letting myself overthink it, I start to type.
Me: I miss you. I hate missing you.
And I press send. My stomach churns with a mix of regret and anticipation as I see the dots of his reply, and I check the time. It’s the early hours of the morning, and he’s awake. I freeze as my phone vibrates in my hand.
Leo: You don’t have to miss me, munch. I’m right here!
Hot tears wet my eyes. He’s right there. He’s always been right there. I’m trying to muster up the guts to reply when my phone vibrates again.
Leo: I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’ll be right here, waiting!
The tears escape, rolling over my skin and into my hairline. Before I go to him, I need to know for sure what I want.
‘Hey, baby,’ I say brightly as I lower myself to the ground and sit. It’s a nice morning. ‘The birds are loud today, huh?'
I pick at the blades of grass beneath me.
'Doug is getting tattooed today.' I sigh, thoughtfully. 'Leo’s shop is so beautiful, baby. I’m sure you know that.’ I take a breath. ‘I’m sure you know everything.’ I turn my face up to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and close my eyes for just a moment.
Moving so I’m leaning against his headstone, I stretch my legs out. I wore shorts today, and the sun on my skin feels nice. I look down, noticing the areas on my legs without tattoos — they feel naked, exposed. Picking up my bottle of water, I take a sip, then resume my focus on my legs.
‘Should I get more tattoos, baby?’ I ask absentmindedly. I’ve been putting it off because of who would be doing the tattooing. ‘My legs feel kind of bare.’
With my fingertip, I trace the outline of the butterfly above my knee, smiling for a moment as I remember the day I got it, just a few weeks before we got his diagnosis — before we knew our time was so limited.
‘I just wish you were here, Luke. I miss how happy we were. I bought a house, you know that, I’m sure. We’d be so settled there.’ I close my eyes for a second and try to imagine him in that space with me, but I can’t. ‘I can’t remember your voice.’ Emotion tightens my throat. ‘Or your laugh. I loved your voice so much, Luke. I remember that it was deep, even when we were kids, but I can’t hear it in my head anymore. I have videos, so I can call them up, but it’s been so long in the blink of an eye. We didn’t get enough time, baby.’ Closing my eyes, I let the tears in them fall.
‘I miss you so much, and I don’t miss you at all, and that’s the hardest part. You aren’t the first thing I think of in the morning anymore. Truth is, I hardly think of you at all. You were the love of my life, Luke, and now you barely cross my mind. I look at Mama and Merv, and I know it’s possible to love someone else after you lose your love, but I could never imagine it. I loved you so damn much, and I didn’t believe I could push your memory far enough back that there would ever be space for someone else. But I didn’t have to push, did I? Each day that you’ve been gone, you stepped back a little more. Would you have done that if you had known it was him?’
I shake my head. ‘I hope wherever you are, you can forgive me, Luke. I didn’t mean for it to be him. I keep trying to imagine how betrayed you would feel if we did this while you were alive — the two people you loved most in the world — it kills me to know how it would have torn you apart. But it’s not the same, right? You’re not here. You’re not coming back.’
Reaching up, I wipe away the tears on my cheeks.
‘I don’t know when it happened — when I started looking at him that way. He never changed. He was always the same Leo. The same caring, funny, sweet guy. He always looked the same, but I never saw that I liked that until I did. It hit me, you know. I liked him — I liked him the way I liked you. The way I haven’t liked any of the men I have dated since, but this niggling feeling eats at me that you wouldn’t forgive us for it. That Buck won’t, even my family won’t. Bree does. She knows and wants me to go for it with him, and she thinks you’d want that, but I don’t know. I’m scared of letting him in that way and not being enough for him. He’s kind of a slut, baby.’ I laugh, but it isn’t comfortable. ‘You know that. What am I supposed to do when I want so much, and he gives so little?’
I smile weakly.
‘I’m getting old, baby. I don’t want to waste precious time on casual, even if it’s him, because I’m about to be thirty-five, and the clock is ticking.’
I lean back once more, feeling the hard stone against the back of my head. ‘Thirty-five. Can you believe it? I’m in my thirties, single, no kids, and not where I expected to be. When we got married, I thought by the time we were mid-thirties, we’d have a couple of kids who’d already be in double figures. Crazy how life goes, huh?’
Pulling up a dandelion, I start to inspect the little yellow petals.
‘Maybe we were dumb, getting married so young. Maybe we should have just waited. I don’t know what difference that would have made. I do know that I loved being your wife, Luke. God, I loved it. Having your initials on my finger meant everything to me.’
I hold out my hand to look at the LB on my ring finger. I laugh.
‘You think maybe I’m just looking for someone with the same initials so I don’t have to change this?’
Luke Bennett. Leo Bennett.
‘I wonder how Doug’s tattoo is going.’ I grin, then start to laugh. ‘He sucks at being tattooed, baby.’ I put the dandelion down on my thigh and wonder if I should have got more color tattoos. I have the perfect pale skin for color but hardly have any at all. I have a dragonfly on the back of my ankle that’s blue and green and a bee on my foot, but everything else is black and gray. ‘He’s met someone, you know — Doug.’ I think about Cara and the way she and my brother jolt every time the other one walks into the room. ‘I’ve never seen him look at someone the way he looks at Cara.’ A smile curves my lips. ‘Bree is still on the lookout for love. She dates, but she works so much that it doesn’t leave a lot of time.
‘I was so lucky to have found you and so lucky that you loved me. You were the most amazing man, Luke Bennett. You made me the happiest woman. I hope you knew that. I hope you still do. I know you can’t give me the sign I’m looking for, so I’m going to have to figure this out on my own, but I hope you know that whatever I do, whatever happens next for me, you had my heart, all of it.’
Pushing myself to my knees, I press my fingertips to my lips, then to the hard stone that stands in place of my husband.
‘I love you, Luke.’
And I walk away.