Chapter 16
sixteen
Harper
FROM THE SHADOWS.
It was finally Friday. Though it had only been three days since I’d seen Benny last—a much shorter waiting period than usual—I’d been so much more impatient to see him again.
Would it continue on like this? The more I’d see him, the more I’d want to? He was a drug I was becoming dependent on.
It frightened me. Because that couldn’t happen. This could never be more than it was right now. I could never be with him in the sunlight. Only here—underground in the shadows—where we were sworn to secrecy. Where we could pretend.
I’d let him see me. He hadn’t recognized who I was yet, but I’d let him without knowing that. It broke a hole through my walls and let him see inside me.
But he’d stayed. He’d accepted me.
It only terrified me more, because eventually this had to end.
I already knew it would hurt when the time came.
It would be smart to let him go now before it got any worse.
It would have been smarter to let him go earlier.
Yet here I was, giving up my electronics so I could meet him again.
Knowing I’d keep on doing so. Too weak to stop myself.
I was early, hoping to get here first and set up the room ahead of Benny arriving. He hadn’t yet texted that he was here, so I was pretty sure I’d beaten him.
“Enjoy your time, sir,” said Ivan as he handed the box containing my things to a Shadow. He was the only one Shady had told me the name of when he’d given me the tour. Everyone else was nameless. Faceless. Shadows.
I didn’t know where they kept everything while members visited, but that was likely intentional. Shady had given me a complete tour, and I’d not noticed any storage room, but I hadn’t paid attention to much outside of the private suites. They were the only part of the club I was interested in.
It meant I interacted very little with other members. Only those who were heading in or out of the private rooms themselves. So it took me by complete surprise when I heard it.
“Haaarpy!” My nickname in a singsong voice, the wrong kind of familiar.
A chill ran up my spine. I turned to face Tristan, the person I wanted to see me here the least. “Don’t call me that.”
He smirked. “Grumpy as usual. I like it.”
“I don’t care what you like.”
Tristan huffed, that smile remaining on his lips. “You know, I thought you never joined up. You couldn’t even send me a thank you note for the invitation?” He held his hand over his chest. “I’m crushed.”
I rolled my eyes and turned to walk away when his hand shot out to grab my arm and turn me back to him.
“Don’t run off just yet. You’re a tricky man to pin down outside your family’s charity events or birthday parties.”
I shrugged him off. “That’s because I don’t like you.”
Once more I attempted to turn away and once more he grabbed me. “You might. If you gave me a chance.”
When I attempted to pull away this time, he tightened his grip, pulling me to the side until my back hit the wall and he boxed me in.
I glared up at him, my hands shoving at his chest, but he barely moved. Heat flared from my chest, to my neck, to my face. The humiliation of being manhandled by this idiot.
“Back the fuck up right now.” I warned.
“Or what?” Tristan smiled. He was always fucking smiling. “You gonna tell Daddy? Gonna tell him about this place? You wouldn’t.”
Of course I wouldn’t. Even if I hadn’t been sworn to secrecy about The Veil, I could never tell my father anything about it.
“Play with me,” Tristan whispered.
I tried again, unsuccessfully, to push him away from me. “Never.”
“We’ll see.” His face lowered closer to mine, and I turned away from him. His lips connected with my cheek. Then his tongue. My stomach twisted in disgust.
This time when I pushed him, his body flew back until he slammed into the opposite wall. Then a presence stood between us. A wall of my own. A shield. Benny.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Tristan exclaimed.
“Don’t fuckin’ touch him.” Benny replied. I’d never heard his voice sound like that. Deep. Dominant. Threatening. It sent a different kind of shiver down my spine.
Tristan laughed. “This is who you’re into, Harpy? Your dad’s going to be so proud.”
“Walk. Away.” Benny growled.
“Fine. He’s all yours. For now. But know that I’m the one who invited him here. I’m the one his family invites on vacations and to birthday parties. I’m the one who belongs in his world. Not a brute like you.”
Benny didn’t take the bait, remaining still and silent between us.
Tristan’s words were intended as an attack on him, but they hit me harder than a physical blow, even with Benny standing as a sentinel between us.
My face flamed. My pulse thundered in my ears.
Tristan was right. I hated that he was right.
Benny could never be part of our world, because it was filled with people like Tristan. Benny was much too good for us.
Tristan didn’t like not being able to get under Benny’s skin, and he didn’t like not getting his way. “Besides…” he continued. “He wanted it.”
Benny’s body jolted forward. The crack of flesh on flesh. Just once. Then Tristan howled.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This was too much. Everything was happening too fast. I was completely fucking useless. What should I do? How was I supposed to fix this? Why were my feet stuck to the ground and my mouth glued shut? Why did my fingers tremble around the soft fabric of Benny’s shirt?
Weak. Pathetic. Useless.
“You fucker! You broke my fucking nose!” Tristan’s nasally voice was much too loud. More people were going to come. More people would get involved. More people would see me. Fuck.
“I’m afraid we don’t allow violence on the premises.” A new voice. My chest tightened by the second until I couldn’t breathe.
“He was the one to punch me! I didn’t do anything,” Tristan said in defense.
“You were forcin’ yourself on someone!” Benny shouted.
Too loud. Too much.
“I’d never!”
“Where is the someone in question?” asked the new voice.
I gripped Benny’s shirt tighter. The fabric moved with the heavy rise and fall of his chest. I could sense the way he was restraining himself. Barely. Please don’t make this worse.
A head of peach-colored hair poked around the side of the human wall separating me from everything else. Shady took one look at me and seemed to gather enough information about my pathetic state to reach his own conclusions.
“Your room is ready for you. Go. I’ll deal with this.”
“You’re just going to let him go?” Tristan squawked in indignation. “He broke my fucking nose!”
“You’re lucky he didn’t break anything else. Come along now, or I’ll get Ivan to carry you, and he’s not the fun kind of rough.”
Benny’s hand found my shoulder, and he ushered me down the hallway to our private room, not stopping until he had me seated on the edge of the bed and he was kneeling in front of me.
“Are you okay?”
Heat filled my eyes. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Done what? Punched him?”
I nodded. “And everything else. His family is powerful, Benny. What if he comes after you for this?” Air thinned with every short breath I pulled in.
“Then I’ll deal with it.”
“What if you get banned from here?”
“Then this isn’t the place I thought it was, and I don’t want anythin’ to do with it.”
I gasped. Unable to pull in any oxygen before I was pushing it out again. Drowning in air. Smothered by nothing. Weak.
His hand raised to my cheek, his thumb wiping away tears. Pathetic.
“I’ve got you, okay? You’re safe.”
Worthless. Not enough. You’re never enough.
I choked. My hands pushed his away and he let me. I didn’t want him to let me. He placed them on the bed on either side of me instead.
Benny’s eyes were so soft. Filled with concern.
He sees how pathetic you are now.
“Tell me how to help you, Harpy.”
“Don’t call me that!” I snapped.
His brow pinched. “Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t anymore.”
No. I didn’t mean that.
Why did he still do everything I told him? Couldn’t he see it yet? I wasn’t what he’d thought I was. What I’d wanted him to think I was. I was a fake. A pretender. An imposter. Acting in a role that was never meant for me.
“Tell me what you need from me.”
“I need you to go away!”
Don’t. Please.
For once in my life, I didn’t want to be left alone to fall apart where no one could see me. Judge me. I needed him to hold me together. I hated myself for it.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do that,” he whispered.
“Why?” I choked.
“Because you’re hurtin’. And I can’t leave you while you’re hurtin’.” His hand twitched, and then he raised it to my face again to wipe away fresh tears. “No. It’s more than that. I don’t want to leave you at all. Not ever.”
I cried harder. Because those were the words I wanted to hear. Because I could never accept them. Because I couldn’t have him.
I fell forward. He caught me. His arms wrapped around me the way I’d hoped they would. He was so warm. His arms felt so safe, like something I’d never experienced before but had always been missing. He felt like home.
It was easier to breathe when he held me. His presence was my ventilator.
I shouldn’t have done it. Shouldn’t have let him hug me. Because how was I supposed to know what this felt like and then go without it again?
I mourned the loss of his hands before they’d even left me.
Then I could breathe again. My hands didn’t shake and my pulse didn’t race. I was so tired. Maybe I’d be able to sleep without staring at the ceiling for hours first if he just held me like this.
I was almost selfish enough to let it happen. Almost.
I pulled away, and he let me go. Again, I wished he wouldn’t.
My eyes met his. Soft. Warm. Dangerous.
You can’t have him.
“Pup?” I whispered.
“Yes?”
“Strip.”
The corners of his lips twitched up in a smile. “Yes, Sir.”
Then he was naked, on his knees and looking up at me like I was someone worth admiring.
“Touch me.”
His hands started on my shins, smoothing up over my knees, my thighs. They lingered on my waist, then found the top buttons of my shirt. He looked to me for approval, and I nodded.
When they were unfastened, he slid the fabric down my arms. He was in no rush, taking the time to appreciate every inch of my freshly exposed skin like it was the first and last time he’d ever see it. Touching me like I was worth something.
Benny had called me perfect the last time we were together. I was sure he knew now that I wasn’t. But he was.
Far too good for someone like me.
When this was over, he’d be fine. He’d easily find someone who would want him. Who would care for him. Who could be with him in the sunlight, where he deserved to be loved.
You can’t have him.
“Benny?”
“Yes?”
All we had was pretend. It lived in these four walls and disappeared the moment we left them. But we were here now, and I wanted to pretend. I wanted to lie to myself. Just for now, I wanted to pretend I could have him.
“Touch me like you love me.”