Chapter 17
seventeen
Harper
LIKE YOU LOVE ME.
His lips worshiped my neck. Reverent. Adoring. Enamored.
It burned me.
I fell back against the pillows, and he followed. His lips claimed mine. Slow. Deep. Certain. My tongue pressed against the seam of his mouth and he opened for me, his tongue eager to meet it.
Even the way he tasted me was unhurried. Deliberate. Like he’d be content just to stay there until I moved him along each time.
“Take off my pants.”
He gave me another kiss before he obeyed, gradually making his way down my body. Lips ran along my collarbones, my chest. His tongue flicked my nipple before doing the same to the other one. Every inch of my skin was met with care and tenderness.
Is this how he touched someone when he loved them?
I’d never had a reason to feel jealous before, but I hated all the people he’d touched like this before me, and all those he’d touch like this after he moved on.
His tongue dipped into my navel and I shivered. My fingers combed through his hair, using the grip to move him faster as he huffed a laugh.
Finally, his fingers worked the button of my pants open, and I was already lifting my hips to get them off before he’d even started pulling at them.
When he eased them down my legs with my underwear, I wondered if he was deliberately teasing me.
“Why are you taking so long?”
He smiled. “Because you told me to touch you like I love you. I take time to appreciate the things I love.”
My heart thumped like it was trying to break out of my chest.
It’s just pretend.
He lifted one of my legs, kissing the bone of my ankle before his lips trailed up my calf, my knee, my thigh—simultaneously too much and not enough—then the other.
Then he was between them, looking to me for approval. I gave it, his next kiss delivered to the tip of my leaking cock. Then down my length.
“Suck me,” I demanded, because my dick was clearly impatient. And so was I. Eager to experience another first with him.
He chuckled, then obeyed.
I’d thought the feeling of his cock rutting against mine was good, but it had nothing on the feeling of his mouth—hot and wet, unlike anything I’d felt before—and I made an entirely undignified sound in response to it.
He took it as encouragement, sucking me deeper, until his nose pressed against the trimmed hair at the base of my dick.
“Oh, fuck!” I gasped. My fingers tugged at his hair, unsure if they wanted to keep him there or pull him away. “Benny, fuck!”
He hummed around me, and I made another sound I’d never made before. His head bobbed, and air escaped my lungs tonight for an entirely different reason.
Warm brown eyes met mine, and I wanted this sight permanently engraved into my memory, so I could hold onto it long after I’d had to let him go.
Even this he took slowly. And even though my body screamed at me to hurry him along again, this had really been what I needed. It wasn’t the sexual aspect, it was this. Being touched like I was precious, worth savoring. Like every moment was its own reward.
I could pretend that I was loved.
His fingertips traced patterns over my sides as he continued, the touch delicate but grounding. Mine gently scratched over his scalp.
Minutes passed. Or was it hours?
I wasn’t sure how long it had been. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore, beyond how it felt to have his mouth on me. His hands. His eyes.
Nothing else mattered.
When the heat inside me built to be too much and I had trouble keeping still, he’d pull off, trailing soft kisses along my thighs until I was ready for him to continue. He’d made himself comfortable, lying on his stomach with my legs over his shoulders.
Every time he pulled off now, though, I made louder sounds of protest, until what came out was more of a sob than a moan.
His lips caressed my inner thigh. “You ready to come now, baby?”
Baby.
I nodded, feeling my eyes sting and my cheeks dampen with more than just sweat.
Benny took me back into his mouth. Moving faster.
Sucking harder. That edge I’d been existing on approached again rapidly, and this time he didn’t stop me from tipping over it.
His hands gripped my hips as his nose met curls, keeping me as deep in his throat as possible.
I sobbed. My cock pulsed bittersweet pleasure, greedily swallowed.
Then he was moving up my body. His lips met my cheek and came away wet. Repeated on the other side.
“These are the only tears you should shed,” he whispered. Lips placed a kiss on my sweat-drenched forehead. “Tears of pleasure.”
More of them rose to the surface and spilled over. So he would have to kiss those too. So his lips would remain on me for longer. I didn’t mind crying if it meant his lips would console me like this.
Then his head pressed against mine. Our noses brushed. Our lips almost touched. Not quite. Sharing air rather than kisses. Equally intimate.
I’d always feared being beneath someone like this would make me feel smaller. Insecure. Inadequate. But I was larger than I’d ever been. I could take up space. Here, and with him. Only with him.
When he’d given me enough of his air that I could breathe again, I took his lips. I let them express what I wouldn’t dare say out loud. He kissed me like he understood. Like he felt it too.
Then my hand reached between us to find his dick, hard and aching for me. His breaths were laced with his pleasure, and I inhaled them as if I could absorb it and keep it with me.
Benny rolled his hips, thrusting into my fist. Not hard and fast like he had previously, but deep and passionate, like he wasn’t fucking me but making love.
Our lips brushed without kissing, our inhales and exhales intertwining.
His grew shorter. Louder. His hips stuttered.
“Come for me, Benny Bear.”
He groaned. His cock pulsed in my hand as his cum hit my abdomen and chest.
“Good boy.”
Our lips crashed together. Messy. Fervent. Perfect.
His forehead rested against mine, wet with his sweat or mine. Ours.
My fingers trailed up his sides as his body cooled.
“Thank you for pretending,” I whispered as my lips ghosted against his.
Benny pulled back to look at me. Warm brown eyes flicked between mine. Fingers trailed up my cheek until he cupped the side of my face. His mouth opened. Closed. Opened again. “I wasn’t.”
My heart stopped. “What?”
“I wasn’t pretendin’.”
The sweat that remained on my skin prickled as it rapidly cooled.
This was pretend. This had to be pretend.
You can’t have him.
“I want you,” he continued before I could recover enough to stop him. “Like this. Outside of this place. Always. I want you.”
You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him.
“I…”
“I’d be so good to you. I’d give you everythin’, if you let me.”
You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him. You can’t have him.
Bile crept up the back of my throat. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.
“I can’t.”
That soft, warm look in his eyes froze. Transformed into confusion. “Why?”
“Because I can’t.” My palm flattened on his chest, pushing him away. He yielded, shuffling back to a kneeling position, off me.
“Har—” He stopped himself. “Look, I know it hasn’t been long, but I know what I feel for you… it’s real. I don’t want to stop it. I can’t stop it.”
I’d fucked up. I’d fucked up so badly.
I got up, snatching my clothes off the floor.
“Don’t go, please. I’m sorry.”
Too late. I wanted to end this before I hurt him, but it was too late.
Weak. Pathetic. Selfish.
I pulled my pants on so fast I almost stumbled.
“Please, just talk to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
I yanked my arms through my sleeves. “Because I can’t exist. Not like this, not outside of this place.”
“We can talk about that. If it needs to stay here for a while, then—”
“Forever, Benny.” I snapped. “It needs to stay like this forever.”
His brows pinched together, and my heart was tearing inside my chest, trying to leave me to be with him instead. I’d let it if I could. I knew he’d care for it.
“We can talk about it.” His voice was softer. Smaller.
“There’s nothing to talk about. Nothing can change.”
I marched for the door and he followed, grabbing my wrist to stop me. I turned to face him, seeing the pain in his expression. “You’re sayin’ you don’t feel it too? This was all just… pretend to you?”
You can’t have him. He’ll be happier without you.
“Yes.” I lied.
He released his hold on me. “Then why are you cryin’?”
Slowly his hand raised to cup my cheek again, his thumb swiping away traitorous tears. I turned into his touch. Weak.
“Talk to me,” he whispered. “If… if you need help—”
I pulled away, yanking the door open and slamming it behind me as I ran toward the exit before he could get dressed and catch up to me. He’d already put himself in enough danger with Tristan for me. I couldn’t let him get anywhere near my father. I had to keep him safe, which meant I had to leave.
Ivan had a Shadow fetch my things quickly, and I tapped my foot anxiously as I waited for them. I almost gave up and left them behind before the Shadow appeared with the box, my coat, and my helmet.
“Sir, if something has happened, we can—”
I opened the door and closed it before he finished speaking, taking the stairs two at a time to get up to the street.
Cold air greeted me.
I regretted now that I always parked my bike a few blocks away from the club, just to be sure no one could locate me if they found it. I ran until I was out of view from the entrance. Then my vision blurred with tears too much to see.
You hurt him. You never should have done this.
You can’t have him!
My chest ached. My vision blurred further. My mind ran rampant with self-hate. With all the ways I should have handled this before I hurt him.
What was supposed to happen now? I couldn’t keep seeing him. But I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
It wasn’t pretend for me either. I knew that now.
That what I felt for him was far too big to be contained in that underground club.
He existed with me outside of it already.
Not physically, but in my mind, in my heart.
He was under my skin before I’d even noticed it, and now, I didn’t know how to get him out.
It wasn’t fair. But I was too weak to do anything about it. I couldn’t be like Logan. Dad wouldn’t let me. I was the heir. There was no one else to replace me. It was why he was harder on me than he’d ever been on Logan.
Coward.
I stopped, staring at the ground at my feet, my mind urging me forward while my heart pulled me back. I wasn’t strong enough to fight either of them, yet they both couldn’t exist together. It was too much. I wasn’t strong enough.
Benny deserved someone who’d be strong enough to fight for him.
I took two steps forward. Stopped.
I wanted him to hold me again.
I wanted him to love me.
You can’t have him.
It wasn’t my voice in my head. It was my father’s. Even in my own mind he could reach me, and he always would. Benny deserved better than that.
I sniffed, wiped my tears on my crumpled sleeves, and continued walking.
Just a few steps.
Then cold hands grabbed me from the shadows.