Chapter 47 Harper
forty-seven
Harper
THE COST OF CAKE.
The chain in my pocket weighed more than any necklace ever should. I felt its presence at every moment, as heavy as the weight of my failures.
I’d failed to protect Benny and his family. I’d failed at being Benny’s Dominant, and I’d failed at being his partner.
When this was all over—and I was more determined than ever to find a way out of it—I knew I’d have to earn all those things back. I’d do whatever I had to in order to earn his trust in me again.
But first I had to find a way out.
Jonah had dragged me along with him, but he was still guarded. He didn’t give me anything real about himself, so I didn’t either.
I played the role he’d assigned me, of the dumb rich gay boy who needed protecting. It was just another mask, but it was better than letting him see my broken truth.
I was still no closer to an answer. I didn’t know how to deal with Leon. The best thing I could think of was going back and pretending to be who he wanted so I could get close enough to stab him in the back, probably literally. I just didn’t know if I was strong enough.
Without Benny, I didn’t have strength. I didn’t have color, or music.
I’d messaged Dex after we left Hollow Creek and made him break into my motel room to collect my things, because Benny had bought those clothes for me, and I wanted them back.
Jonah was… surprisingly nice. Dex had been right about him. He was protective. He’d taken it on himself to look after me without me asking him to.
More guilt to add to the crushing load on my shoulders. I was lying to him.
He shouldn’t trust me. No one should ever trust me. They’d all end up hurt. The necklace in my pocket was a physical symbol of that. I was a liar, a manipulator. Maybe I was more like my father than I’d ever been.
I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep.
I would stare up at the ceiling while Jonah slept in the other bed, and I’d wonder how long this would last.
When I did sleep, it was because my body forced me to. It was deep and dreamless, yet somehow still provided very little rest.
Jonah had asked me the other night, “If you knew this was where you’d end up, would you still have gotten involved with him?”
I’d told him yes. I’d told him Benny loved me more than anyone ever had. I’d told him I loved him, and I would never have given up the good times we had. All of that was true.
He’d said love isn’t always enough, that sometimes it was the entire problem.
Our situations were different, and he didn’t know what he thought he knew about me, but there were similarities still. And he’d been right, love wasn’t always enough. But it wasn’t the problem. Benny’s love could never be a problem. He was perfect.
The problem was Leon.
The answer… still evaded me.
Then we were out of cash. While I pretended to be clueless, my panic was genuine. I’d never been without money before. I didn’t know the first thing about working a job that wasn’t for Leon.
“How are we supposed to eat?” I’d asked him.
“We steal.”
I blinked at him. “I’ve… I’ve never stolen anything…” Well, besides Benny’s car and the tracker currently in Jonah’s pocket. “Have you?”
“I’ll do it. You can wait here.”
“No.” I stood up from the bed. I needed to learn this, because I still wasn’t able to go back home, and I needed to figure out how to survive out here on my own. “I want to help. Let me help.”
Jonah explained to me that acting confident was the key to shoplifting. That people were less likely to pay attention to us if we acted like we were supposed to be doing what we were doing.
Then we split up and entered the store.
I had no idea what to get. I hadn’t ever done my own shopping, even when I’d had the money to pay for it. Matthew had done that for me. Then Jonah had shopped for both of us, and I’d just paid for it.
I ended up just grabbing anything that stood out. My stomach twisted, not wanting any of it.
Until I saw the cake.
It looked just like the ones Matthew made with me and Logan, and then with Benny’s family at my last birthday. My heart ached in my chest at the sight of it.
It was stupid, really. We didn’t have money for essentials; we certainly didn’t need cake. But it irrationally felt like some tether to a past I’d closed myself off from, and I had to have it.
I picked it up and headed briskly toward the exit with my head held high.
Confidence was key.
Act natural.
This was fine.
I spotted Jonah making his way toward the exit too.
“Hey!”
Firm fingers dug into my arm. I turned toward the security guard, currently glaring at me.
“Let go of me!” I tried to tug out of his grasp, and he held me tighter.
Fuck. I did not come all this way just to get fucking arrested for stealing cake.
I was about to drop everything and punch him in the throat when Jonah’s body slammed into the guard, knocking him back as he released me.
“Run!” Jonah yelled, and we ran.
I kept pace with him, not wanting to leave him behind if the guard caught up to us.
We made our way between buildings and through alleys until we were certain that no one was following us and we were both out of breath.
My pulse thundered in my ears, adrenaline coursing through my entire body in a way that was almost thrilling.
Then he was laughing. My stupid mistake could have gotten us both arrested, and he was laughing. I couldn’t help but laugh with him.
“Is—is that a whole fucking cake?”
I clutched it tighter, protectively. “I wanted cake.”
“Maybe I should have clarified. People usually just go for the essentials when they can’t afford them.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” I realized in the middle of a laugh, that I was laughing. I was lying to Jonah about who I was and why I was here, I’d abandoned Benny and our family after putting them all in danger, and here I was laughing. I stopped. I didn’t deserve to be happy, even for a moment.
“I thought I was fucked there for a moment. You saved me… again.” I couldn’t understand why Jonah, who’d been running for so long and had so much to lose by being caught, would risk himself for me.
“Yeah… well, we’re in this together, right?”
“Why, though?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you helped me now, but also back in Hollow Creek… when Benny…” I swallowed. I hadn’t been able to tell Jonah the truth about that day, but he’d still brought me along with him anyway. He’d still trusted me. “You tried to follow us then too… tried to help. And then you brought me with you.”
“No offense, Harp, but you wouldn’t make it out here on your own,” he teased.
“Right.” I frowned. Of course he thought that. It’s what I’d manipulated him into thinking.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m just messing around,” he said, taking my distance as offense. “You just… you needed someone. So did I. And now we have each other, right?”
“Right,” I repeated, his attempts at reassuring me only adding to my guilt.
“Let’s go back to the motel… have some of that cake. Okay?”
I nodded, and we began on our way back to our room. But the whole way, I couldn’t stop my mind from spiraling.
Jonah didn’t need me here. And I didn’t need to be with him. Not really. I was only supposed to be with him as I tried to determine if he was ready for Dex to catch him. I already knew he was.
Jonah was tired, and he was lonely. That’s why he’d clung to me so quickly. But I wasn’t who he really wanted. His home was waiting for him, and the longer I lied to him, the longer I kept him from it.
Being together made it easier for me, but he and Dex deserved to be reunited so they could sort their shit out and be together again.
We made it back to the room, and we dumped our haul on the small table.
It was time for me to get out of the way and do what I’d come here to do.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Jonah. I really mean that.”
He smiled for a second, until he realized I’d said his real name, and not the fake one he’d given me.
“What… what name did you say?”
I stared for a moment before faking a smile. We both knew what I’d said. “I said Jack.”
“No.” His chair tumbled to the floor as he stood up quickly. “No, you didn’t.”
“What else would I have said?”
“Who are you?” His hand dipped into his pocket. I knew he kept a switchblade in there, because I’d gone through his pockets while he was sleeping, checking on the condition of the tracker in the lighter before putting it back.
“Let’s not do anything hasty,” I told him. But there was a small part of me that almost hoped he’d use it. Then I wouldn’t have to struggle anymore. But I couldn’t do that to Benny.
“Who the fuck are you?”
“I told you who I am.”
“No. You’re lying.”
He was right. I’d been lying, and I deserved to be hated for it. So I’d play a new role for him. I’d play the bad guy, so he’d hate me and leave. Then I could call Dex and tell him to get his man, and they could go off and find their peace while I was hated like I deserved. “Fine.”
“Who are you?” he asked again.
“I told you who I am. That part wasn’t a lie.”
“So what parts were?”
“Oh, you know… just… everything else.”
He swallowed, taking a moment to process.
“Are you really running from Benny?”
That one was complicated, but I forced myself to laugh. “My man would cut off his own hands before he ever harmed me with them. No, this—” I gestured to the bruise Dex had given me. “This was all your man.”
His breathing picked up, panic increasing.
“You’re a Stray.”
Not really, but that didn’t matter right now. “Now you’ve got it. They call me—”
“Little Snake Prince,” he finished for me. A nickname only Dex had ever really called me.
I winked.
And he ran.
He didn’t even close the door behind him as he bolted to the car, started it up, and pulled out of the lot. Tires screeched as he drove off.
I pulled out my phone and called Dex, letting him know his rabbit was on the move, and that he was ready to be caught.
Then I was alone again.